Posted by
Jesse Andrew
• 12.02.12 07:15 pm


Growing up in Carlsbad, California, I only had two dreams in life: to either be a professional surfer or a professional skateboarder (or possibly a two-career situation like The Flying Tomato, Shaun White).

But really, I don’t give a damn about snowboarding because you’re strapped in and that makes it gay. Being strapped in means every grab is bullshit, but that’s just my opinion. I’m sure it’s fun as fuck in powder. What the hell do I know? I’ve never gone snowboarding, but I’ve spent my entire life on skateboards and surfboards. Naturally, this led to dreams of being a professional badass and the amount of tail that goes along with it. Unfortunately, the closest I ever came to reaching these fantasies were a few amateur first-place trophies (#cheapbrag).

First-place trophies = losing your virginity.

I’ll take that, but a kid can only spend so much time in the ocean or on a painted curb because eventually it comes time to move out and that takes money, which means working a full-time job. So long, surfing—hello, booze! Next thing you know, ten years has passed.

I was recently watching a video clip of the Pretty Sweet video premiere, and it reminded me of my childhood dreams of being a professional. Before it was solely based on chicks and having cool video parts, but as an adult it can be extrapolated a little further than that. For instance, the traveling. Surfing wins this argument hands-down because there is no worldwide contest circuit for skateboarding (that I know of). They have Street League and that’s pretty much it. I have no idea if the Dew Tour or X Games still exist, but if they do I know it’s all based in the continental United States. The Street League stops are listed as follows: Kansas City, California, Arizona, and New Jersey. The 2013 ASP World Championship surfing tour has the following stops: Australia, Brazil, Fiji, Tahiti, California, France, Portugal, and Hawaii.

So yeah, no-brainer there. Surfing wins.

Next would be the money, and surfing hardly compares. Skateboarders have much more opportunities to make money: signature shoes, video games, TV shows, clothing lines, etc. Kelly Slater is the most successful surfer to ever walk the earth by a long shot to which no one else even compares. Kelly Slater has a net value of 22 million. The next highest is around 3 million. Tony Hawk has a net value of 120 million with a long list of other professional skateboarders raking it in…Rob Dyrdek: 45 million; Bam Margera: 45 million; Chad Muska: 16 million; Eric Koston: 16 million; Tony Alva: 16 million; etc. This is why every successful skateboarder drives an 80,000-dollar car.

Some even drive Ferraris (Bam Margera, Ryan Sheckler).

But having even a million dollars equals having girls half your age. Here’s 40-year-old Kelly Slater and his 20-year-old girlfriend. Yum.

Apparently having a stripper’s dog is still all the rage for women. I think Paris Hilton invented that. 

Now let’s talk about pussy! Obviously surfing wins here because the beach equals tiny bikinis. What happens when your girlfriend wants you to teach her how to skateboard? She breaks her arm and you end up in the emergency room. Teaching your girlfriend how to surf, on the other hand, equals her wet perky butt cheeks in your face and pulling her bikini bottoms to the side to slip it in real “quick-like” under the water. No comparison here. Sweaty skate-park pussy doesn’t compare to slammin’ hot bodies in two-piece bikinis.

Point made:

I’m in love with Alana Blanchard (girl on right). It’s real. Surfing wins this round. 

Next would be fashion. For surfers this means wearing shorts and sandals every day of your life (that, plus putting on a cold wetsuit at five in the morning).

Surfing fashion sucks:

I really can’t believe that sandal has a fucking air pocket, but whatever, surfers live in these things. Skateboarding wins this round.

No matter which board you’re riding, eating shit is a packaged deal. For surfers, this equals a usually pleasant and even sometimes enjoyable trip over the falls and hysterical laughter once at the surface again. Skateboarders are fucking tough; they slam on concrete and break bones. Ed Templeton recently destroyed his leg, as seen below.

Ouch. Surfing wins here; fewer injuries.

Next is death. I’ve never read about a person dying from skateboarding (though I’m sure it’s happened), whereas surfers are being clipped on a regular basis. The ocean is fucking gnarly and won’t always let you up in time; people drown, like, all the time dooooood!!

Honorable mentions: Mark Foo, Sion Milosky, and Malik Joyeux.

Another thing skateboarders don’t have to worry about is a monster crawling out of the concrete and eating them, because that’s what a great white shark is: a monster. Reunion Island is having serious problems, as seen here and here. South Africa, California, and Hawaii are also having problems, as seen here.

Shark attacks are no joke. Skateboarding wins here. 

And lastly there’s the "cool" factor because skateboarders are just simply cool. It’s a rad sport that no one talks shit about. Even famous rappers do it!

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard of a gangster rapper going surfing. In fact, I’ve never once seen a video of a black professional surfer. Why is that? I think the shark factor has a lot to do with it. That plus the stereotype that black people hate swimming. Plenty of black dudes kill at skateboarding; it would be a nice change of pace to see a black guy beating Kelly Slater is a heat. 

Skateboarding is a lot edgier than surfing. Surfers are typically labeled as morons and stoner hippies, which is sometimes true. Skateboarders are seen as gritty street people that really can’t have their asses kicked by anyone, because how can you hurt someone that spends every day throwing themselves down a rail of 17 stairs? A black eye doesn’t mean dick to these people.

The total tally:

Surfing: 3.

Skateboarding: 5.

In the end, it’s better to be a professional skateboarder, but the chicks alone make it sweet to be a paid surfer.

 

—JESSE ANDREW

 


Comments
  1. greg says:

    bicycling also has their fair share of groupies…i mean biking punks and such. but i think alot of them tend to also fall for the skaters

  2. mr.cordero says:

    I see a few black surfers here and there. But shit,I think it comes down to equipment and your proximity to surf. Both are expensive. You can skate anywhere and all you need is a skateboard. Surfing right now? Average surfboard= $600 Bare minimum wetsuit=$150-200. And then factor in how far you have to drive to the beach. Consider gas and car. You aint livin near the beach for less than $1000 a month if you plan on living alone.

  3. Blungo says:

    What the fuck is that shark bitten thing? Is that a leg? Is that a blown up shark? Its fascinating, but I have no idea what I am looking at.

  4. greg says:

    @blungo
    It’s the beach official’s re-enactment of what a shark bite might look like on a human. Specifically one of the surfers that was mentioned in the article. I don’t feel like scrolling back up, but he was attacked by a shark and that’s what his wound may have resembled.

    TL;DR
    This is what a shark bite might look like on peoples

  5. avocado says:

    @blungo
    looks like someones hip/ass


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