Posted by
Gavin
• 03.08.13 09:40 am

 

OK, people who think Jonathan Swift wanted you to eat babies. Let’s go through my “offensive” essay line-by-line. I’m going to teach you how not to be a humorless robot. I shall be expressing my frustration in ALL CAPS.

“Amidst the hubris of the pope calling it quits and Miss Delaware relinquishing her sash due to porn allegations, it’s important we take a step back and discuss the elephant in the room—namely, racism.”

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THE ARTICLE STARTS OFF WITH COMPLETELY RANDOM BABBLING. WHAT DOES THE POPE AND PORN HAVE TO DO WITH RACISM? NOTHING. THE ANTI-RAAAACISM BABIES INJECT RACE INTO EVERYTHING. TOURE PROBABLY THINKS SAYING THAT IS RACIST.

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 ”Nobody clutches their purse to their side when an Asian walks into the elevator. If an Asian applies for a job at a bank or on the police force, he or she is welcomed with open arms. When an Asian commits a crime, people are shocked. When an Asian is appointed to the head of the Department of Energy, everyone knowingly nods their head. Asian privilege pervades every part of our day-to-day life and it’s time they joined the conversation about race.”
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AND KAZOOM, WE’RE INTO THE CLASSIC TROPE OF HOW HARD IT IS TO BE BLACK AND HOW EASY IT IS TO BE WHITE. PROBLEM IS, THESE APPLY TO JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WHO ISN’T BLACK. WHY DON’T THEY HAVE TO SELF FLATULATE?
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Though they comprise less than 4.8% of the American population, they make up 8.3% of all doctors. Only 2.3% of doctors are African American, yet they’re 13% of the population. Thirty percent of African American men will go to jail, but only 1.6% of prisoners are Asian. Nobody sees the problem with that?

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THE “GIVEN” SEEMS TO BE: IF ONE GROUP ISN’T PERFECTLY REPRESENTED IN PROPORTION TO THEIR NUMBERS IN THE GENERAL POPULATION, IT MUST BE THE FAULT OF SOME INVISIBLE “ISM.” I LOVE USING DOCTORS FOR THIS EXAMPLE BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE ABSURD THAN A HOSPITAL HANDING OUT RANDOM JOBS TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T DESERVE IT. LIKE THEY COULD AFFORD THE LAWSUITS.

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“McGill University is one of the most elite schools in North America, and to walk through their campus is to be transported into a pastoral Chinatown. This is true of all Ivy League schools. Asian Americans have the highest education level of any racial demographic and they’re also the wealthiest. While African American households earned an average of $30,939 in 2005, Asian Americans walked away with twice that.”
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WHY DON’T ASIANS COMPLAIN ABOUT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION WHEN IT COMES TO COLLEGE? BECAUSE THEY’RE ALREADY IN. IT’S NOT LIKE THEY GROW UP RICH. THAT’S WHAT REALLY DRIVES ME BESERK ABOUT THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF EMAILS, TWEETS, COMMENTS, LINKS ETC. SAYING THEY WERE OFFENDED. THE FUCKING ESSAY IS A COMPLIMENT YOU GODDAMN RETARDS!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HIGH IQs.
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“Asian privilege is, if you will, an “invisible knapsack” of unearned perks and benefits that an Asian is able to unpack wherever he or she goes—even if they aren’t in Asia. Asian privilege is very, very real and yet nobody’s talking about it… Asians can say swear words or wear secondhand clothes without anyone assuming it’s due to poverty or illiteracy. An Asian can listen to rap music very loudly on a boom box while riding the New York subway without anyone wondering if they’re going to get stabbed.”

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OKAY, LET’S MAKE IT EVEN MORE OBVIOUS. LET’S LINK TO THE ARTICLE I’M SATIRIZING AND LIFT LINES DIRECTLY FROM IT. NOPE. I HAD PEOPLE (YES, BERKLEY STUDENTS) “CALLING ME OUT” FOR PLAGIARIZING THE INVISIBLE KNAPSACK. CAN YOU EVEN CONCEIVE OF MORE USEFUL IDIOTS? ALSO, THE STABBED LINE?

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“Whether they know it or not, simply existing can be tantamount to a hate crime.”

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YOUR MERE EXISTENCE IS A HATE CRIME. WHAT AM I, CALLING FOR LEGISLATION TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED?

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“Look at Hiroshima and Nagasaki today and look at Detroit. While Asians are constantly flooded with opportunities to rebuild, cities of color are left to rot. Asians shamelessly discuss “Asian Power” and encourage their children to stay within their race.”

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THIS ONE REALLY DRIVES ME NUTS. WE LIT ALL OF JAPAN ON FIRE AND THEN BOMBED IT WITH NOT ONE BUT TWO NUCLEAR WEAPONS! TODAY, BOTH CITIES LOOK LIKE SWEDEN IN 2050. THIS IS A COMPLIMENT YOU USELESS FUCKTARDS!!! JAPAN WAS REBUILT ON HARD WORK. IT DIDN’T GET HANDOUTS. THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THE PROBLEM WITH THE CONCEPT: “SUCCESS = CHEATING” AND “FAILURE = SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT.” IF FUCKING HIROSHIMA CAN LOOK LIKE WE’RE HOLDING THE OLYMPICS ON MARS IN THE FUTURE, NOBODY’S ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN.

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“When Asians such as New York Times reporter Michael Luo watch Jeremy Lin score 25 points, they are filled with joy and pride. This, mind you, is from a country that killed 50 million people.” 

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THIS ONE’S OBVIOUS. WHY ARE ASIAN REPORTERS ALLOWED TO BE FILLED WITH JOY AND PRIDE? RIDICULOUS RIGHT?

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“One of the few Americans to actually get off her ass and push for change is California Democratic Rep. Barbara Lee, who pronounces her last name exactly like Bruce Lee. You might remember her from the NOH8 campaign where she wrote on her face. She is leading an initiative to “create a federal Department of Peacebuilding that would cultivate peace and take on the causes of violence and conflict.” This is about literally changing the plasticity of the brain and permanently erasing the hatred that fosters inequality.”

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ALL THIS TALK OF AMERICA BEING A RACIST HELLHOLE IS TO JUSTIFY MORE BULLSHIT DEPARTMENTS AND USE OUR TAX DOLLARS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS. THE SOONER WE LAUGH AT FAKE CONCEPTS LIKE “WHITE PRIVILEGE” THE SOONER THEY’RE OUT OF A JOB. ALSO, WHAT’S WITH THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS WRITING ON THEIR FACE?

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“We need to transform society to the point where privilege is not slanted in anyone’s favor.”

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THE BACKLASH TWISTED THIS INTO “TONS OF ‘SLANT-EYE’ REFERENCES. IT MAKES ME THINK THEY SECRETLY WITH THERE REALLY WERE RACISTS OUT THERE WHO THINK ASIANS ARE A HATE CRIME. IT’S COOL TO BE A VICTIM BECAUSE IT’S COOL TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HARD LIFE IS. NICE CULTURE, FAGS.

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—GAVIN McINNES

 

 


Comments
  1. ZF says:

    Gavin, you are the man. It boggles my mind how stupid some “smart” people are.

  2. ZF says:

    By the way, it’s “self-flagellate.” as it currently is, you’re talking about farts.

  3. ZF says:

    unless, the misspelling was intentional, in which case this greek dude needs some lessons in humor too.

  4. How dare you says:

    all asians know karate? that picture is racist!!!!!

  5. So, I’m supposed to stop eating babies now, just cause you say so? That’s racist, you asshole.

  6. jason says:

    “ALL THIS TALK OF AMERICA BEING A RACIST HELLHOLE IS TO JUSTIFY MORE BULLSHIT DEPARTMENTS AND USE OUR TAX DOLLARS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS. THE SOONER WE LAUGH AT FAKE CONCEPTS LIKE “WHITE PRIVILEGE” THE SOONER THEY’RE OUT OF A JOB. ALSO, WHAT’S WITH THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS WRITING ON THEIR FACE?”

    Booker T Washington said the same thing over 100 years ago:

    “There is a class
    of colored people
    who make a business
    of keeping the troubles,
    the wrongs and the
    hardships of the Negro race
    before the public.

    Some of these people
    do not want the Negro
    to lose his grievances
    because they do not want
    to lose their jobs.

    There is a certain class
    of race-problem solvers
    who don’t want the patient
    to get well. “

  7. pantagruel says:

    almost flawless, except the part about japan rebuilding itself without handouts when in fact it actually received billions of dollars in aid following world war 2 while under american occupation. we didn’t just toddle off and leave them to fend for themselves. this would seem to suggest that handouts do on some occasions work.

  8. Curmudgeon says:

    I understand how Gavin can piss people off with his acerbic (and occasionally hyperbolic) writing. But I’m always dumbfounded that people don’t get his humor. Not in the sense that they find him funny, but rather that they can’t fucking understand when someone is joking. Those fuckers better be autistic or they have no excuse.

    I don’t necessarily agree with Gavin on a number of issues, but I understand when he (or most any writer) is saying something in jest or with irony.

    This is what happens when, in the case of asians, you do math and useful shit your whole life but never read a goddamn novel; or, in the case of slack-jawed liberals and whining toure-types, only read books to criticize the author (other?) for some “pathology.”

    Fuck, can’t a nigga catch a break.

  9. It’s a truly sad state of affairs when great satire is viewed as hate speech.

  10. zig says:

    Hey pantagruel, there is a huge difference between hand outs and hand ups. People that want to work get a hand up. People that don’t want to work only want a hand out.
    I love giving hand ups. And only one of the people I have given a hand up to really just wanted a hand out.

  11. Ecgtheow says:

    I don’t doubt a large number of ppl who complained are humorless twats, but I tend not to ignore the idea that visceral reactions are also meant to drown out the salient points by discrediting the satirist or any one’s views that are incongruent with the orthodoxy of the intolerant-tolerance pushers. The “tolerati,” as Greg Gutfeld calls’em. For example, when Obama’s critics think of him as an imbecile, I agree to an extent (especially when it comes to economics), but I also think he knows exactly what the fuck he’s doing that’ll cause borderline irreparable harm to the country. That’s what makes him a traitorous scumbag.

    @jason, excellent post. The black communtiy would be better off if they listened more to Booker than to Du Bois.

  12. Ecgtheow says:

    ^Meant to say As a parallel, not For Example.

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  14. Julia says:

    I can tell that you were attempting satire. You didn’t make it there. Your article comes off sounding very much as if it was written by someone who didn’t understand the structures (both positive and negative) that helped shape the paths available to him and therefore doesn’t understand how these are different for different people. And your “rebuttal” smacks of entitlement/navel-gazing/complete unwillingness to learn. Comparing yourself to Jonathan Swift? Acting as if the same forces and systems that rebuilt Hiroshima/Nagasaki also keep Detroit down? Complaining about oppression in China but also bitching about any efforts to address oppression in the US?

    I’m sorry that you have primarily interacted with people who either demonize or reify Asians. Both simplistic views have “truth” to back them up. PEOPLE are good and bad and everything in between (often in the same person); the fact that you’re pulling this as evidence for your writing is really bizarre. Perhaps you have just started thinking about race and this seems like an ah-ha moment to you?

    I’m sorry you feel all oppressed by your whiteness. I get it. I’m mixed race (Asian/white) but look white to most people. Race is complicated and the thing about how racism “works” is that NO ONE wins. Racism allows people to make assumptions about other people’s experiences/skills/families WITHOUT finding out about them as individuals. It limits your choices before you ever knew you might have a choice. You allude to some of the ways in which you’ve felt that racism has hurt you as a white man; why not explore those? Why try to pit Asian Americans against African Americans instead of putting yourself on the side of people against racism?

  15. Humor and Racism says:

    I don’t mind if there is racism on comedy. And no one knew who you were until this incident. I just found out about it 5 minutes ago. Maybe that’s why people took offensive, because through writing and text a person can’t tell if it’s a joke or not, especially without any references to those words. Despite that, this is still the most racist thing I have seen in comedy or not in comedy. Your lack of knowledge in history, data, and research is amazing. I kind of want your signature because of your lack of knowledge. You said “Oriental” and no white-privilege. Lol, I hope that was part of the humor. Please learn and do your research before you babble about nonsense. Use some critical thinking. If you want to say something, go talk to some Asian Americans first. I am Asian, I am poor, and I worked my ass off and still live in the ghetto. This is 100% offensive, and maybe even 110% since you aren’t even Asian, and are a privileged-white-hipster-racist. I thank the website that told me about you, because it made me realize that racism still exists, and there are other racists supporting you. So thank you, racist.

  16. angry says:

    this is full of shit.

  17. dumb says:

    “WHY DON’T ASIANS COMPLAIN ABOUT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION WHEN IT COMES TO COLLEGE? BECAUSE THEY’RE ALREADY IN. ”
    they do. they complain a lot. are you kidding? Asians are more hurt than Whites by affirmative action.

  18. Fuck, dude. says:

    If you’re going to write satire with a fat load of racism throughout,

    DON’T ACT ALL SHITTY WHEN YOU GET A BUNCH OF PEOPLE CALLING YOU A FUCKWIT.

    You played with fire, and didn’t take the precaution of contributing to the conversation.

  19. [...] Link to “Tackling Asian Humor” post: http://www.streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/tackling-asian-humor/ [...]


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