Posted by
Street Carnage
• 11.11.12 09:00 pm

Until very recently, David Petraeus held the coolest job in the world for control freaks—the director of the Central Intelligence Agency, which enabled him to snoop on, brainwash, torture, and kill anyone his hardened little heart desired.

That all recently came crashing down after he was revealed to be slippin’ ye olde Baloney Pony to his biographer Paula Broadwell, a woman for whom the word “plain” is perhaps too exotic.

You’d think that Petraeus could have snagged some of the sleekest, silkiest, smokin’est Spy Snatch this side of Moscow and Tel Aviv, but instead he chose a woman who looks vaguely like the albino love child of Barney the Dinosaur and Darryl Strawberry:

As far as can be determined, she wasn’t even rockin’ a decent set of taters on her chest:

Perhaps Petraeus is gay, or maybe he’s not packing much of a heat-seeking missile in his pants, but in this case the shame lies not in the fact that he had an affair, but that he chose to do it with a woman who rates only a “3” on her best days.


  1. Ignatz says:

    Uh, have you seen his wife? This broad, well she’s an 11 by comparison… All is relative.

  2. General Penetration says:

    Whatevs. Ya’ll just jealous cause you didn’t get to waterboard this bitch like me.

  3. WaxWingSlain says:

    If he were gay he would have been banging a dude.

  4. anne-onymous says:

    i think she is a fair bit of alrite

  5. Vlad says:

    James Bond got hotter chicks. One was Ukrainian.

  6. Shit Sandwich says:

    Whoever wrote this should be water-boarded. You are not funny, and you have the intellect of a fourteen year old.

  7. melonious says:

    David Petraeus is no 007

  8. zigmundroid says:

    Sure, make fun of the somewhat attractive paramour. I bet she can suck start a B 52. Or whatever they use to bomb the crap out of rabid ragheads these days.

  9. Yah rilly says:

    It’s not cheating if your wife has totally given up on not looking like Chris Farley’s corpse.

  10. BillC says:

    Could be mistaken, but it looks like the wife has a comb-over.

  11. senior Manchild says:

    ¨I bet she can suck start a B 52. Or whatever they use to bomb the crap out of rabid ragheads these days.¨

    Yea, and if she lacks those skills also!?

    It´s all so sad. So very sad.

  12. stanky stanky says:

    Yeah, he definitely wasn’t banging Marilyn Monroe or anything. However, if Miss Broadwell appeared in, say, a blowjob vid, I’m fairly certain I would be able to stroke it to completion with a minimal amount of effort. Just sayin.

  13. charles in charge says:

    Broadwell’s kinda hot. Watch the John Stewart interview. She’s got buff arms and you know she’s athletic in the sack. Also, the older you get, pretty much all younger women who aren’t obese are hot. Also, he’s in the military; in that context, she’s really hot. It’s not like he works in media or entertainment.

  14. Lunchin' says:

    “ALL IN”

  15. I still love you, David. I don’t care how they portrayus.

  16. Ring Kodney says:

    I mean, look at em. That is a 10 for homeboy. His wife is a -2 on a good day. Back in the 30’s or whenever, she wasn’t all that either.

  17. J.NADA says:

    If I had to sleep with John Candy doing a Benjamin Franklin impersonation, I’d hit up Broadwell too.

  18. Doeeyedcutiewithbrain says:

    Petraeus “scored” (for him). Wife looks like a linebacker crossed with Betty Crocker.

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