Posted by
Christi Bradnox
• 03.31.08 07:56 am

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Oh no. We’re all going to die. The locusts are coming. There’s floods. Iran is going to bomb us. Everyone has cancer. Ew. The sky is falling. Waah. The earth is melting. Oooh, I’m so scared of the apocalypse.

apocalypsesmall.jpg

Oh no. We’re all going to die. The locusts are coming. There’s floods. Iran is going to bomb us. Everyone has cancer. Ew. The sky is falling. Waah. The earth is melting. Oooh, I’m so scared of the apocalypse.

We’re told the end is near and we need a revolution and we’re all going to die and blah blah blah. It’s a great mantra if you’re trying to sell something but the truth is Timbuk 3 was right, “The future’s so bright one has to put sunglasses over one’s eyes to shield from the blinding future.”

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THE ARISTOCRATS
200 years ago you’d wake up in the freezing cold, plant your sore-infested ass on an icy bedpan and shit your stinking remains into an open dish a foot from your face. Then, you’d cover your facial lesions with powder, put a wig on what’s left of your ratty, lice-infested hair and jam your body into textiles so uncomfortable, it felt like a dare. And this is if you were the Queen of England.

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HISTORY SUCKED
Every generation’s standard of living is better than the previous one. Here’s a brief history of history: First we were cave people that were basically bigger animals than crackheads and only cared about fucking, eating and dying at the ripe old age of teen. Fast forward a few thousand years to the dark ages where everyone wore potato sacks and millions of people had their heads cut off for pronouncing God wrong. (By the way, we’re talking about the Western world here. Plenty of Middle Easterners are still stuck at this stage.) Soon after, church and state FINALLY began to be unglued and we had the Industrial Revolution jump in with children working their tiny fingers to the bone. A hundred years later, we had the depression where the aforementioned 12 kids ran through the snow barefoot as their dying father waited in line for nothing. While this particularly shitty stage was going on, we got hit with two world wars that wiped out about 70 million total.
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50s AND 60s SUCKED
Now, you can brag about the cool cars they had after the war in the 50s and even show me a picture of people smoking pot in the 60s but you realize you’re talking about a time when, for the majority of Americans, blacks were niggers and gays didn’t even exist, right?

PART 2


Comments
  1. Hh says:

    This is all very…

  2. Branson Carbine says:

    So I presume we’re going to hear about the downsides of the 1950s in tomorrow’s installment?

  3. Cornbread Basin says:

    B. Carbine: Ho-ho!

    And:

    Did gay niggers get a fair shake back in the ’50s? If I’m reading between the lines correctly here, signs point to yes.

    And:

    When did America turn the corner on their stance on huge niggers? Wilt’s 100-point game?

  4. squangle says:

    you shouldn’t use the word “nigger”, it’s impolite.

  5. Bren says:

    Well to be fair while we were wearing potato sacks, most middle easterners were living way better then us.

  6. Julian says:

    If you read any sort of history of Rome, i.e. Ovid, you’ll realize life was quite good and much like ours, and most people were into hetero stuff.

    If you read Daphnis and Chloe–you’ll find ancient pastoral life was quite nice also.

    Read A social history of London, and you’ll realize those rich bastard have been chilling the fuck out in member’s clubs and green gardens for five hundred years.

    Egyptian life was also colored by love and family life. You just don’t see the way they lived because the vast number of patio houses didn’t survive the way the pyramids did. The stone/mud that was used was stripped and used for other building projects.

  7. asshole says:

    Yesterday you’d wake up in the freezing cold, plant your sore-infested ass on an icy bedpan and shit your stinking remains into an open dish a foot from your face. Then, you’d cover your facial lesions with powder, put a wig on what’s left of your ratty, lice-infested hair and jam your body into textiles so uncomfortable, it felt like a dare. And this is if you were Amy Winehouse.

  8. Brent Musburger says:

    asshole: Winwinwin.

  9. Turt McGurk says:

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but up until the 1980s or so, a family could get by with only one member of the household working.

    My dad…a moron by most systems of measurement who didn’t even have a high-school diploma…was able to buy a house and a new car every three years…and support four kids.

    Couldn’t happen today.

  10. Honey Bear says:

    Way to drop some science AND slander your dad, Turt!

  11. google says:

    not really, in iraq they created civilisation. i think whiteys were still crawling round in the primordial soup at that stage.
    check out the ancient sumerians, if you can get your hands on one of those flying invisible time-travelling video cameras.

  12. Neezy says:

    Fucking little boys IS the norm

  13. what says:

    i have no idea what that article was bout some guy is explaiing american football to an englishman and that all im interested in. althoug that part about how history sucked was wrong and prejudiced. because history isnt so sucky. i mean the guns and swords and guilloteens totally make up for all the wrongs. but dude apparenttly american football is action packed so yeah.

  14. […] THE BEGINNING OF CIVILIZATION Which brings us to today. This is the beginning of civilization. We’ve finally learned how to spell our own names. We finally have access to everything. We can finally get antibiotics when we’re sick. You can bitch about inequality or how fascist our governments are, but when you compare them to the past or any non-Western country in the world today, they look like an orgasm. In fact, when you make speeches about how there’s no free speech and complain about how unhealthy everything is until you’re 80-years-old, you’re actually proving the opposite. So please, continue. Previous Blog Post […]

  15. Loomis says:

    My last name is spelled about 5 different ways. I asked my dad what the different origins are and he explained it has nothing to do with origins – people just couldn’t spell back then. This must be the beginning of civilization if we’re just starting to spell our names correctly.

    And the fact that our life spans have been consistently increasing seals this argument.

    And yes, the middle east is getting worse but she said this isn’t about the middle east.

  16. […] THE END IS NEAR – PART 1 Previous Blog Post […]

  17. […] getting worse and our entire civilization is on the verge of collapse, but the opposite is true. We’ve never been wealthier. Food’s never been cheaper or more abundant. Water’s never been cleaner. The air’s the least […]


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