Posted by
• 11.28.12 07:20 am

Soon something called the American Giving Awards Presented By Chase is to air on NBC, if it hasn’t already, which features celebrities honoring do-gooders and good-doers for the good work they do and all the giving they give.

Don’t think I’ll be able to catch it if it runs opposite Ice Loves Coco.

I can see it now: "The award for making the most differences goes to…"

Who’s counting?

The red carpet interviews will be bone-chilling.

"So, how long have you been a giving person?"

"Oh, jeez, seven or eight years now."

"By the way, who are you wearing?"

"The shirt’s a Dior. You want it? Here, let me give it to you!"

Is it an incentive to give, knowing Shields and Yarnell could possibly mime kudos to you on national television?

It is for me.

Shouldn’t we give out of the goodness of our hearts rather than to get a public pat on the back from the third runner-up on American Idol, Season 4?

"Here to present the award for most focused charitable giver are Morgan Freeman and Dame Judy Dench."

Sorry, downtrodden. No gruel and crack for you this month. We spent all our money on gold statuettes.

From last year’s press release:

"Golden Globe Award winning actor Colin Farrell will be recognized for his ongoing support of several causes including combating homophobia, championing the Special Olympics, active participation with the Make-A-Wish Foundation" and raising awareness about some disease I’m totally unaware of so shouldn’t that disqualify him?

What does he want? A medal?

At the end of the show a deserving charity determined by viewers’ votes will be bestowed one million dollars courtesy of Chase (probably the price of a 30-second commercial on it). We can only hope that the combating homophobia foundation kicks the Special Olympics’ ass.

Yeah! The Make-A-Wish Foundation is goin’ down!

Where is my grant? I’m living without a hot tub here.

I can’t even afford a new toaster cozy.

How about this? I get a nickel for every time someone says the word "community" on the broadcast.

Or "dialogue." Or "building blocks." Or "giving back."

I only know what Sir Mix-A-Lot had to say about "back."

Know what I "give?" A flying care!

Unless it’s about how Ice feels about Coco.




  1. Sniffy says:

    Ice has really let himself go. His tits are almost as big as Coco’s.

  2. Zippy says:

    How sweet. His & Her breast implants.

    And that belly button on the Iceman almost looks like His & Hers vajeenas.

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