Posted by
Jessica Delfino
• 11.19.12 07:00 am


The guy who took my virginity was cute. He was 18 and I was 14.

He was tall with brown hair and a better-than-average-sized dick. But when you’re 14, any dick is on the big side, no? He’d hitchhike to my house to draw and watch TV with me, then have sex with me after my dad went to sleep. He was the first person I experienced an orgasm with and the first man I really fell in love with. Too bad he had a serious girlfriend, which he revealed to me a few days before Christmas. The best, most exciting ones are always cock sandwiches.

We lost touch for about 20 years, and then he popped back into my life a few months ago when he wrote me an email from China. We’d been corresponding for a bit a few years ago and then he suddenly stopped responding to my emails. I figured he’d been hanged for stealing an apple or something, but then he sent me an email that contained nothing but a few lyrics from a Bette Midler song. I was glad to hear from him, because I assumed he was rotting in a commie prison. When I excitedly replied that I was glad he was alive and that I’d thought China blocked our emails since I shamelessly have a vagina, he replied:

Weird, I must have sent that last night when I was blacked out drunk, cuz I have no recollection of it whatsoever.

It looks like I was just quoting “The Rose” by Bette Midler, LOL! My brain function was probably too low to form any coherent thoughts on my own. 

About our prior correspondence some years back, I’m sure I wouldn’t have blocked you. Sorry you thought that. Emails have a way of disappearing in this country. They even managed to shut down all the proxies in recent months, so Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, etc., are completely inaccessible to me now. 

As for me, I’m living alone in a rat-maze hutong in the center of Beijing now, much like a hermit. It’s a beautiful area actually, the traditional heart of the city by the lakes. I’ve pretty much turned local, I think my eyes may even be getting slantier. Ok, that was racist :P But being racist is an important aspect of this culture, so I would be remiss not to emulate it. My little yellow hosts might take offense. How r u these days? Still working in entertainment? You have some website right, send me the url and I can get myself updated.

*****

He is and has always been a fascinating puzzle of a person to me, and I hung on every word of his response. But the most curious part to me was “rat-maze hutong.” What the hell was that, I asked?

He responded:

A hutong is the old Chinese style housing, like a maze of connected building and small alleys. They’re still preserved in the city center. Occasionally I have groups of German tourists walking by snapping pictures. They’re a little surprised to see me come out though…Actually it’s kind of the trend now for white people here, they move into the hutongs to be more “cultural” and shit. Me i just prefer being away from the traffic and living on ground level so I can bring my e-bike inside and not have to worry about it getting nabbed. Think of it like urban camping. I have hot water and a working toilet, that even accepts #2 waste, something of a luxury. Some newbs come here and rent out a place before they understand that they have to use the public bathrooms every time. It’s old and campy, but I like that. All the systems work and it’s decorated Spartan style with candles and incense, and clean. My neighbors love to peek in whenever they get the chance to see how the laowai lives. Then they want to know how I do it. Of course the secret is not being a packrat and cleaning properly, neither of which these hoarders will ever understand. They marvel at my ability to throw stuff out, sometimes even try to give it back to me, or start thanking me for letting them have my garbage. And it’s not like they’re poor. It’s freaking expensive to live in one of these places now. I’m paying about 700 USD a month to hole up in this dump. OK I google image searched you….you’ve even got a wikipedia page, cool. I’ll read up on you a little.

Nice to be in touch again,

Yours,

Paul

*****

So I sent more questions because I was absolutely gobsmacked by the life the man who took my virginity and broke my heart is living.

*****

JD: Wow, this is fascinating. Can I interview you, anonymously if you like, for a website I write for?

Paul: You can interview me unanonymously, it’s not like I’m worried about staining my reputation as an expatriated alcoholic madman.

JD: Tell me about your ebike? And what is a laowai?

Paul: Ebike = electronic bicycle, runs off a battery. The technology is pretty good nowadays, you can get 20 miles or more off a charge. I just bring the bike inside and charge at night, and it gets me to work and wherever I else I need to go.

In this city the traffic and par


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