Posted by
Jim Goad
• 09.14.12 07:00 am



Jared (not his real name, because even I am not cruel enough to publish his real name) is someone who’s been emailing me on and off for about a decade because he feels we’re able to understand one another like only men with severe head injuries can.

Jared claims to be the proud survivor of a traumatic head injury, and, presumably based on nothing more than my writing, he decided I must suffer from a traumatic head injury, too.

Perchance I suffer from such a severe head injury that I once wrote about suffering from a severe head injury and am now unable to remember writing about it, but I’m pretty sure that Jared was basing his assumption on my writing alone. And, based on his emails, I’m also reasonably certain that Jared has indeed suffered from a severe head injury.

Granted, I’ve been in quite a few street fights where my head got dinged around, but my cabeza is as hard as granite and I’ve never been knocked down or knocked out, and at the age of 212 I still have a steel-trap-vagina memory and an attention to factual detail that astounds young and old alike.

Sure, maybe it’s amnesia from some traumatic head injury, but I don’t recall ever answering any of Jared’s emails. Still, Jared keeps sending them as if we share an ongoing dialogue rather than what appears to be the case, which is that he’s reenacting the parts of both his and my voices within his injured head.

But I’m starting to think that Jared’s head injury gave him prophetic powers, because for the first half-dozen years he was emailing me, I’d been nursing a plum-sized benign brain tumor:

Surgeons yanked out the tumor in June of 2008, leaving a dent in the side of my head, but, as far as I can tell, no perceptible cognitive impairment. If anything, I feel more lucid than ever. Loose as a goose, in fact. But maybe that’s just my head injury talking.

There’s a chipper, cheery tone to Jared’s emails which makes me think that most people who are unreasonably happy suffer from traumatic head injuries. Herewith are some of my favorite passages from Jared’s emails over the past ten years:

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jim,

Hello I’m the kid who’s ripped off your pink motif and bulletin board idea. . .

I’m sorry about that. I was very new to this inventive verve when I began
it. It will be gone soon. Now onto us, I find myself using you as a protoge [sic]
of sorts with my desire to lead a creative life. I’m looking for fame with
words and ideas.

Now onto your brain, I’d judge that you’ve experienced some head injury. .
.which is fine. . .that I notice in some people like a teacher of mine at
school. Umm I hope you’re not offended. I’d like to know a little about your
creative vim and how you recommend someone like me get started.

I’m looking for some advice, if you don’t mind. . . Care to speak soon?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

James Thaddeus Goad ,

You’re a man of few words. . .
Mr. Goad you won’t return my emails !!

Well UP YOURS ol’ head-injury buddy ,
I’m a man of this world trying to make it with Creativity working on my side
after enduring a Traumatic Life Fuck in the form of a 64mph near-death car
crash !!!

Wow!

And now I try to make it with text in my own life ,
and Fitness.
And the Enlightenment offered through 3/15 Glasgow Coma Scale .

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had a dream with your name in it last night. . . evidently I like your
bulletin board. . .

Jim I smile upon what you’ve done with your life, transforming yourself into
a man of the creative scene and gaining respect from people all over. . .

I very well may just purchase some of your memorabilia. . .

I picture myself going to the same places and working with my internal ideas
like playthings just as you are. . .

I’ve had a head injury, too, and that bit of a twisted experience comes in
quite handy with any “disinhibition.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jim Goad I’ve looked over your Photographs some more

AND CALL ME JEALOUS !!

I see that you’ve had a Shit Magnet tour, of sorts, which goes along well
for you with a microphone in hand and spitting out the funny bits of a Head
-injury for the crowd. . .

wow I really can’t do that with my own Damaged method of speech and such. .
.

how long did you need rehabilitation ?? because I think maybe I’ll be doing
this vision and whatnot Forever. . .

=( =( =(

I’m sorry I sent you a mean email a while ago
but I was very un-recovered. . .

and now I’d like to hear your Story
what you’ve learned that Helps. . .

Sir I’m ACE-ing a Poetry II class !!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jim , I’m Sorry…

I was just kidding about the Googlism… you see I’d just taken a bit
of a nap when I thought about you and “rehabilitated” and then opted
to get in another word…

I think you’re really cool… and I’m doing similar to what you are
after a head injury… I APOLOGIZE FOR SCREWING WITH YOU EARLY ON !!

okay now I’ll pass on a couple things that could help you :

http://www.nutraplanet.com/product/1225/clear-edge.html — this is an
excellent brain drug I’ve tried that’s marked down to an unbelievable
$3.00 per bottle when you order five… it’s helped me out

http://synergyscientific.net/musclehyperplasiaresearch/growthhormonereleasingpeptide6ghrp6.aspx
— this baby releases precious GH which declines with age… it makes
you younger !!

ALSO I believe I ordered your book — but I didn’t recieve it !!

well I guess you saw the name…

**** sorry I went off-track there **** NOW HERE’S THE REASON WHY I’M
SENDING YOU A SECOND EMAIL :

Jim Goad is the man who’s always -just- had an Orgasm…

– it didn’t make sense without the “always”

I was just kidding though and I wouldn’t have actually wasted my time
spoiling your reputation…

oh and I re-read my 2nd-to-last email and I’ve since dropped the
Capitals trend… to let you know…

Jim I’m going to be reading your stuff for years to come and I’ll be
sure to use a friend’s CC when ordering your next product !! lol

You see by now I’m a big fan of yours…

J.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jim

I’m curious what your own experience with Rehabilitation was . . .

did you find yourself sitting around on the computer and
communicating with people through it ??

I’ve also had some trouble with memory. . .

ANYWAYS CAN I PLEASE GIVE YOUR BB A SHOT AND I’LL -TRY- TO POST
SOMETHING FUNNY ?

I don’t know many writers…

J.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

oh Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy James James , I feel privileged in that I’ve
gained some of your Readers -undoubtedly- through my mentioning you
and the resulting connection to Search Engines. . .

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jim

I have an idea for an article we could write

together

Paper Towels : great specifications for semen-catching

Eh ?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Jim Goad ,

do you have a lot of money or something ??

it seems like you must to enjoy the laziness of simply writing and
reading good reviews about it .

not working for a corporation . eh ??

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hi Jim Goad, this is [Jared] who had that Traumatic Brain Injury a
while ago and who’s parents and uncle you spoke with on the phone…

I just wanted to say that while playing the iPhone game Words With Friends I
used the word “GOAD” for a pretty good amount of points (against my Mom…)…

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sorry I meant to send that to *JIM* my minister, not Jim *Goad* the
guy I have a head-injury in common with…

I’m very religious now and I *am* a good person… ALWAYS !!! =)

 

—JIM GOAD


Comments
  1. Citizenland says:

    What’s to be confused about? Jared is a world-class smartass troll. I tip my brain-pan in his direction. Much respect Jared!

  2. Chaz Worm says:

    I’ve always felt a kinship to you Mr Goad. Before and after my month long coma. I may even try the brain pills he was pimping.

  3. My god is anyone just indifferent about you Jim? It seems like everyone that reads your stuff is either carving your name into their chest or jabbing a pin into little Jim Goad voodoo doll.

  4. I used to wonder why I attracted so many weirdos. Now I know that it’s all relative. Jim’s got a lock on this.

  5. Lunchin' says:

    Jared’s writing style is awfully similar to a brain tumor’s writing style… Yeah, Jared is obviously a living brain tumor.

  6. Skunky says:

    JG…I did not know about your injury…I always wondered what happened to yee.
    Glad you came through. Your writing will always be my favourite…has since 1991!

  7. tom robbins says:

    goad damn! entertaining emails. i think that i gave myself a head injury trying to understand what this guy meant.

  8. Hornblower's Ghost says:

    And you’re not letting him write for this site?!!!


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