Posted by
Blognigger
• 04.29.09 11:34 am


Of our society’s three most publicized religions, Islam is surprisingly the one that has fucked with me the least. While it’s true that Muslims are the only ones to actually fly planes into my place of business – and the only ones

Of our society’s three most publicized religions, Islam is surprisingly the one that has fucked with me the least. While it’s true that Muslims are the only ones to actually fly planes into my place of business – and the only ones whose global religious leaders have sworn to destroy my country and my home – their efforts are still far outweighed by the sheer amount of fucking-with-me that Jews and Christians have performed over the past 33 years. While Jews, from a quantitative perspective, certainly take the title of fucking with me most (and how could they not, when I have a Jewish mother who has fucked with my head as hard as she could every single day of my life) no one can fuck with anyone as viciously, as sadistically, and as hypocritically as the plain ol’ egg-paintin’ Christians.

I was raised Jewish – I mean, I had Christmas, stuffed stockings and shit, but I literally didn’t set foot in a church except for weddings and my uncle’s funeral. I enjoyed all the presents and Santa Claus’ pointy lap, but let’s cut to the chase: I was never made aware of THE JESUS ULTIMATUM until my “Religion & Society” class with Ms. Wagner during sophomore year of high school.

THE JESUS ULTIMATUM is a threat of death, pain, and torture that IS the foundation of the Christianity. THE JESUS ULTIMATUM is Christianity’s primary means of attracting new followers, akin to new members’ free month of rentals at Netflix. For non-Christians, THE JESUS ULTIMATUM is Christianity’s primary means of fucking with you. Here’s a quick story about the hardest that Christianity ever fucked with ME:

It was 1994, and I was on acid. Fortunately, I was in college at the time, which is the optimal time to be on acid and walking through a cornfield. I went to college in a very sparse state that does not have a major city. My college, like most colleges, was a cesspool of Liberal thought, socialist ideals, and non-reproductive semen spillage. The difference between most colleges and my college though, is that my college was in a RED state – we were a small oasis of left wing ideals in a toothless and manly county. Basically, they were real men, and we were a bunch of jerkoffs.

This placement offered an incredible target practice opportunity for the real men that lived in the real world around our jerkoff college. Sure, rednecks would drive onto campus just to shout stuff at us all the time – but the REAL opportunity was for the state’s numerous Christian preachers to come and have easy and direct access to shameless, mocking sinners. Busloads of Christians would literally come into our college campus, unload their dozens of children and cousins, and set up shop to preach directly to the fags, the hippies, the wasters, and the doomed heathens of liberal america. In turn, the students’ favorite pastime was to smoke pot in front of the preachers, kiss each other and shit, pull out their nuts, etc. What a fagfest on both sides: Never before in the history of human contact have so many preached to so few, for so little.

It was during one such preaching mission that I was walking through a cornfield on a hot and sunny day. These were real cornfields, just like the ones you see in the Stephen King movie, except with a black guy who doesn’t get killed within 5 minutes of the opening credits. The dude I was with had gotten really good acid, but we were long past our “peak” of tripping – so it’s not like the cornfields were turning into pineapple lumpcakes and dragons and shit – everything was CRYSTAL clear by then, but with that post-peaking intensity and importance of meaning. Bird tweeting, twig crunching; everything that happened during that hour felt very intentional, deliberate, ordained.

We were walking back toward campus, starting to deal with the ironic but expected inevitability that we’d have to return to the boundaries of society’s walls. As we walked from the fields to our campus though, a man stepped magically from the corn, and blocking our path, pointed a finger at our faces.

Telepathically, my friend and I both realized what the other had assumed: This man had clearly been sent by The Universe to come and bring us a cosmic message. Who else would block our path and point at our faces?

We stared at the air molecules between our eyes and his finger.

“I can tell,” he said, still pointing at us, “by the looks of the two of you,” and paused, looking up at us in controlled disgust. “…that you could both stand to hear that Brother Tom’s message.”

And with that, he pointed to an adjacent cornfield over our shoulders, where one such missionary bus was unpacking, preparing to take their case o’ Pepsi carton cardboard soapbox over to our campus green and begin the festivities.

I can tell by the looks of the two of you.

At the time I thought he meant that we looked CHOSEN to receive his message. READY to receive his message. ABLE to receive it. But now I realize he just meant something a lot simpler: He thought we were fags; interracial fag boyfriends at that. Prime targets. We automatically obeyed the hick Gandalf, and turned to approach the busload of preacher spawn.

“Brother Tom” was busy unpacking and gathering his preaching artifacts (waterbottle, dirty rag) but he looked up as we approached. He looked just like a kind and toothless Michael Landon – something about his face, his energy; it was peaceful, very peaceful, and very caring. He looked like a white version of Jesus. He accepted us into a quiet circle, and with everyone listening quietly, he told us his secrets. It felt like we were present at a UFO landing, or the building of Stonehenge. Here’s what he told us:

[A picture is worth a thousand words, so how much to you want for a video, including tax and inflation? There is NO WAY I can tell you what Brother Tom said any better than GROWING PAINS CHILD STAR KIRK CAMERON does in this video. Watch the video, and you will 100% understand the heart of Brother Tom’s message. Then for extra credit do this: Get high or take acid, and go to WayOfTheMaster.com Wait for the flash to load, and listen to Kirk Cameron. Then click on everything he says to click on. You still won’t have had my cornfield experience, but it will have been a damn good simulation.]

Now, because I was on acid, this experience scared me to the depths of my soul. Oh sure, I could front like it didn’t – but the intensity of hearing these threats up close on acid – it absolutely scared the shit out of me. For YEARS it came back to my head at random moments: a Fugazi show; a Yankee game; on the toilet. Now THAT’S called fucking with you. YEARS later in my 20’s, I finally confronted the experience. I gave it a FULL audit from all angles, and in my final analysis derived the following theory:

These Angry Christians can’t possibly think very highly of their god, because they are accusing him of being the most jealous and vengeful scumbag on the planet. In fact, when Kirk Cameron and his friends describe god, they make him sound extremely similar to IKE TURNER:

1) Like Ike Turner, God is EXTREMELY jealous.

2) Like Ike Turner, God has a VERY SHORT MUTHAFUCKIN FUSE.

3) Like Ike Turner, God will beat the FUCK out of ANY bitch – no matter how beautiful, no matter how gifted – who does not give him exactly what he asks for and devote their lives to him 100%.

4) FEAR GOD/IKE BITCH, and act accordingly. Make your decisions out of FEAR, not our of love.

So it follows: God, who is pure love, created you for the purposes of HATING you in your default state, and for the sole purpose of seeing whether you would give in to his THREATS of FEAR and PUNISHMENT, and admit that he was the greatest thing in the world, and live your life For Him, and that Private Dancer, Beyond Thunderdome, and even What’s Love Got To Do With It ain’t SHIT compared to his joints.

Life is a test from God? Well, if it is, this is the real test:

Are you going to act out of FEAR?

For someone like me, a guy whose BLACK ancestors had never heard of Jesus until some white dudes went and fucked it into ’em… A JEW who was never raised with JESUS as god, and never introduced to Jesus except through FEAR and THREATS… the test is this:

Am I so WEAK that I’m going to react out of FEAR and HORROR and accept an ultimatum to live my life to avoid IKE TURNER’s threats of torture?

This from those who have killed in the name of god – like little cross-wearing Mohamed Attas? This from those who fuck little boys and then say it’s okay because you apologized to a dead genius philosopher? You who believe to your core that the universe is LITERALLY build around your worldview, and that everyone else deserves death? That sounds to me like some Muslim shit after all.

God put me here to pass a test alright – to see whether I’d succumb in fear and horror to ALL of you terrorist scumbags. To see whether I’d make a decision motivated exclusively by self-preservation. I ain’t goin’ out like that. And suck my dick witcha Mel Gibson Bin Laden ass. Niggas oughta be ashamed.

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Comments
  1. too long says:

    ha, right. not happening.

  2. original says:

    keep skirting the Abrahamic jive

  3. ty says:

    Dammit! I smoked a couple of bowls and went here instead.

    I had a long talk with Sly Stone.

  4. Charlie says:

    “He looked like a white version of Jesus” – brilliant.

  5. Anonymous says:

    true stuff.

  6. Kook moe dee says:

    Incredible. I can’t believe what’s become of kirk cameron. Epic post, but what the hell is up with the text format

  7. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    BN, did Bill Maher’s smugness put you off to Religulous (assuming you saw it) ? I have mixed emotions regarding the film because of that. If there had been just one scene where a dumb, angry, All-American redneck knocked the fuck out of him, there’d be no dilemma for me. It would just right things a bit, considering his unbearable ego.

  8. Loomis says:

    I bet there’s a lot of Iranian women who would be jealous of someone who can say “the worst a religon’s done to me is ruin one of my recreational drug trips.”

  9. Loomis says:

    Getting stoned in America is a lot different than getting stoned in the Middle East.

  10. Charlie says:

    The whole ‘have you ever sinned…’ tactic is used by preachers all the time.
    There was a documentary on recently where a 10 year old girl went round trying it on with pikeys – you have to respect the nerve those preachers have because they are usually up against and insulting ten 8ft tall black body-builders with snake tattoos around their faces and knuckle dusters on their eyelids. In other words – suicide missions, yet they seem to get away.
    Actually its on YouTube if you want to see it: http://tr.im/k24N

  11. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa says:

    Something tells me this would be better in book format than blog

  12. Christian says:

    Your choice “Blognigger” – to believe or not believe the word of God. Were sent here to warn you and that’s what we try to do but whether you believe is up to you. The bible says that there’s a place for people who don’t believe, and that place is called hell. We didn’t make the rules, but we do have to live by them.

  13. charlie turner III says:

    way of the master, WOW!!

    good scare techniques!

    Jimmy Jones would be proud!

  14. Anonymous says:

    “Your choice “Blognigger” – to believe or not believe the word of God. Were sent here to warn you and that’s what we try to do but whether you believe is up to you. The bible says that there’s a place for people who don’t believe, and that place is called hell. We didn’t make the rules, but we do have to live by them.”

    this works better with the lights turned down low, the voice a low whisper, and a flashlight under the chin.

  15. Christian says:

    Screw you Anonymous, this isn’t one of your idiotic comment-wars to have fun with and make light of. I don’t care for BN’s posts one way or the other, but this one is just over the line. If you’re a Christian, it’s your duty to speak out against it, period.

  16. Ruby says:

    amen!

  17. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    ^ What on Earth is a good Christian like you doing reading a site like this? Go fuck yourself.

  18. ugly says:

    I love this…..

    Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

    Cause that’s what it all boils down to.

  19. Anonymous says:

    “Screw you Anonymous, this isn’t one of your idiotic comment-wars to have fun with and make light of. I don’t care for BN’s posts one way or the other, but this one is just over the line. If you’re a Christian, it’s your duty to speak out against it, period.”

    even jesus thinks you’re a douche for posting that on sbtvc and maintaining a serious tone.

  20. Danielle says:

    This is really sad.

    Christians can be hypocritical and psychotic so I understand what you’re saying. And there is no point defending a religion or belief over a website…so I won’t try. I wouldn’t even try in person if you didn’t want to hear it.

    But for the record, I agree with Christianity. (What you are talking about here is not the point of Christianity.)

  21. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    ^ Danielle: This is really sad? Get a grip. If you want really sad, watch “Old Yeller” (1957). Or the part in “Road House” where Wade Garrett bites the dust.

  22. ??? says:

    Well danielle, let me ask you one simple question: do you or do you not believe that if someone refuses to “accept jesus” then they burn in hell?

    If you DONT, you can’t really call yourself a Christian, can you?

    If you DO… Can you understand how arrogant that seems to the rest of the world?

  23. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    There’s been an effort to snap the stigma surrounding organized religion in recent history. It’s great, but it’s not going to be effective. If it were feasible we’d get some hilarious comedy, potential world peace, condoms for Mexican Catholics; the benefits flow like the Jordan. It’s really too bad we’re living on the back of Kujo with a belly full of fertilizer and C4.

    I’m too lazy to carry on so here’s where I’m heading: This shit is ancient and unsound, so quit fuckin’ with it.

  24. Can’t we all just get along?

  25. Niggy Smallz says:

    I thought BN went to Berkeley. I call bullshit.

  26. ew says:

    oh for the love of cristopher hitchens, if you’re a full grown adult who believes who a giant invisible man who listens to your thoughts but is woefully insecure and requires that you believe in him and pray to him or you will burn for eternity you’re fucktarded. If you believe your interpretation of the invisible giant is better than someone elses your fucktarded and narcissistic. all the christians that bash islam or vice versa really does me hope there is hell . so they will be raped by thorn penised dogs and set on fire for al eternity.

  27. cereal killer says:

    Danielle & Christian

    You really do make me ashamed to be a Christian. really.

  28. mordicai says:

    Wait, there are still Christians? Back into the time machine, man– we’re still too early.

  29. Al Eternity says:

    Ew you still owe me $6.50
    bn good post

  30. homeless. says:

    this was so awesome i started punching the air when i finished.

  31. homeless. says:

    “The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.”

    I feel like i heard this somewhere before, either way i fucking love it.

    save you witchcraft for someone who is scared. Your asshole missionaries brought kiawe trees (they suck) to Hawaii.

  32. Vane$$a says:

    Something tells me that if you had been raised in a primarily Muslim country like you were raised in a primarily Christian country, you’d be writing this same article but instead talking about how Islam fucked you way more than the heathen Christianity ever did. Oh, sorry, no you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t be allowed to write those thoughts in a Muslim country! Chew on that logical omission for a while, Mohammed. Hate all religions equally is what I say.

  33. ugly says:

    damn look at IKE turner – he WILL choke a bitch

  34. ugly says:

    And another thing… I’m sure Jesus (whoever he really was) was probably a pretty good guy with a good message, but when the Romans started seeing all these crazy stories about the guy and more and more people getting behind the message they probably stared to wonder how they could exploit it. To make a long story short here we are today stuck with tards like Kirk Cameron

  35. Alcoholocaust says:

    What would the sacraments of the Church of Ike Turner be? Would “Proud Mary” be a hymn? Would its followers lose their shit if they saw Tina Turner with a black eye on a grilled cheese sandwich? The mind boggles.

  36. Satan Davis Jr. says:

    Yo, where’s the beef?

  37. homer simpson says:

    haha! wheres the beef.

  38. TL says:

    But you see, had our forefathers NOT separated church and state, we WOULD be living out our own Iranian freedom-less insanity. Have you NOT seen Footloose?

  39. fat jesus says:

    heyyyyy, you’re all made in my image!

    white.

    and BN went to college in maine-vermont-new hampshire… obviously

  40. homeless. says:

    “And another thing… I’m sure Jesus (whoever he really was) was probably a pretty good guy with a good message, but when the Romans started seeing all these crazy stories about the guy and more and more people getting behind the message they probably stared to wonder how they could exploit it. To make a long story short here we are today stuck with tards like Kirk Cameron”

    Yup

  41. bkbs says:

    “You wouldn’t be allowed to write those thoughts in a Muslim country!”

    Totally! Because christianity is the reason we have freedom of speech in this country.

  42. Al Eternity says:

    Over it. Who cares. Religion is b-o-r-i-n-g.

  43. pizza gut says:

    you have the elightenment to thank for that, not a religion

  44. Demetrius Owusu-McBride says:

    @bkbs

    Fuck off. Satan aka the Man With a Righteous Plan is responsible for free speech. Who’s Kirk Cameron? Some kind of super-intellectual spiritual humanist? I’m in way over my head with you guys.

    P.S. Here’s an idea for expanding the BN empire, publish Cliff’s notes with each article…thanks.

  45. Chip says:

    Get to the point! Jesus fucking Christ! GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!!! :(

  46. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH says:

    Jesus is cool, what people did in the name of Jesus is totally lame … JC is really difficult to get right, people misquote him all the time … he was actually pretty forgiving and down to earth.

  47. Olga says:

    I have an incredibly sweaty Orthodox Russian ass.

  48. Barney Strife says:

    @ BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

    I hear you my brother. I’m high on Jesus’ love…well, that and like pills and weed and booze and what not.

  49. Aggroculturalist says:

    @Olga

    Pics?

  50. beating off a dead horse says:

    What’s next? Abortion? Death penalty? What the hell is this, 8th grade social studies? BN, just admit it, you have fallen off.

  51. Some Bitch Named Desdemona says:

    The only Jesus I know cleans a mean pool.

  52. Chad Buczinski says:

    You know what I hate about fuckin’ hippies? I hate how they all try to look like Jesus. That’s fucking cheating assbag. Shave all that hair off and you ain’t shit is what I say!

  53. Tiff says:

    I think that the uber-skinny image of Jesus on the cross is responsible for anorexia today. If you hang on a cross like that you will quickly become emaciated. It’s medical fact. Dude was prolly such a complete fat ass that they had to enlist like 40 Polaks just to get him up there.

  54. Some Cracker Named E-Rock says:

    I don’t get it.

  55. Hamlet says:

    Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
    Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
    And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep;
    No more; and by a sleep to say we end
    The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
    That flesh is heir to — ’tis a consummation
    Devoutly to be wish’d….

    To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
    But that the dread of something after death,
    The undiscovered country from whose bourn
    No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
    And makes us rather bear those ills we have
    Than fly to others that we know not of?

    Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
    And thus the native hue of resolution
    Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
    And enterprises of great pitch and moment
    With this regard their currents turn awry,
    And lose the name of action.

  56. The Cream of the Slop says:

    Yeah, your BLACK ancestors never heard of no Jesus before some white man brought him along, but they sure as shit heard of female castration. I don’t see nothin’ like that in no Bible…homey.

  57. Quote of the Day says:

    “Ah-oh, I think it was a wet one.”

    -Myself-

  58. Helmut Puccarelli says:

    I believe that there are at least 3 people who write this column.

  59. ZLUR says:

    Whoa – lots of comments here, must be a “hot-topic” and no mistakes, if yer ask me drugs and religion are always best taken in combination…

    Jesus saves….Moses gets the rebound!

  60. Danielle says:

    @cereal killer

    I make you ashamed to be a Christian? Dumb. All I said was that I understand why BN would see Christians (not Jesus) as ridiculous but I still agree with Christianity (not all followers of Christianity). What is so shameful about that?

  61. Annie says:

    Good read! The comments too. Religion is a blip on the time scale of this planet. Its a gag-inducing trend like scrunchies or ed hardy and it’ll just fizzle out eventually.

  62. Sentenced says:

    When you think about it, it’s kinda funny how they compare Chris Brown to Ike Turner.

  63. ^^^I can relate everything to fashion, see? I’m like the Donatella Versace of Metaphysics.

  64. Jesus would slap the shit outta many modern Christians says:

    Evangelism and/or belief based on fear is not Christianity. Just like terrorism is not Islam. Although it is possible for faith to begin with fear, it is not meant to continue on in such a state. The fear will not cease to be entirely, but will come to play a much smaller role in the overall belief system.

    Christianity has been used as a platform to do much harm and until the Christian world issues a full fledged apology, many people have good reason to believe that Christianity makes no fucking sense. I’m a Christian, but I think God is probably a Universalist. I think Jesus won’t be bummed if your not Christian, however he will be bummed if you make no attempt to figure out what you do believe.

  65. Al Eternity says:

    True, ^^^^^ however, that’s not what CHRISTIANITY says, so you’re cheating. you’re making up your own rules as you go along.

  66. ty says:

    It’s like Union Pool on a Saturday night. Nobody knowing what the fuck anybody is saying. Everybody getting everything wrong. It’s like the Barry Obama Special Olympics up in here.

    Jesus! Ooops! My bad.

  67. cunty mcStevens says:

    you know something, this is an incredible piece of writing. Good job – sorry everyone at street carnage is a young naysayer, but hey it’s your choice to write here in the first place so bn, you gotta deal with it cause that’s on you.

    either way, great work. poignant. at least you’ve got that.

  68. Jesus would slap the shit outta many modern Christians Says: says:

    Hey “Al Eternity”:

    Less making up rules and more doing away with rules/views that I can’t believe or relate to. The bare minimum to claim one’s views as Christian are belief in creation, the fall (PS- I don’t think the broken relationship between humans and God exists because someone ate an apple in Armenia 6000 years ago) incarnation, resurrection, and eternal existence of our individual souls. The rest is in the eye of the beholder. There are a lot of jackass beholders out there. I am trying hard not to be one, but I’m sure I fail, frequently.

  69. Al Eternity says:

    I disagree Jesus would slap.

    If you believe that non-believers “don’t necessarily go to hell” then you are preaching some fruity half-n-half watered down brand of the new testament, and you might as well be a heebrew.

  70. Jesus would slap the shit outta many modern Christians says:

    Well then give me a Yarmulke and call me Shelomo. Try as we might to understand it all, what happens when we die is going to be some crazy shit which will be nothing like what we thought it was going to be.

    READ C.S. LEWIS’S “MERE CHRISTIANITY”, IT BLOWS ALL OF OF THE DOGMATIC NONSENSE OUT OF THE WATER. I’M NOT TRYING TO EVANGELIZE BUT THIS BOOK WILL GIVE THE READER A BETTER SENSE OF WHAT CHRISTIANITY IS AND ISN’T.

  71. Say What says:

    As far as I’m concerned he’s preaching to the choir. Good job.

  72. muskawo says:

    93

  73. bob "pistol whippin' tail and sippin' ale" barker says:

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the Buddhist/pantiest in me is laughing.

    keep in mind that ive meet a handful of crazy buddhist too! i grew up christian and it got me out of a deep funk but…………sorry not for me.

  74. SHITCOCK says:

    If you believe in any kind of supernatural bullshit you’re every ounce as stupid as someone who thinks that faeries are crawling up their butt during the night and putting the poop in there.

    There is no god, there are no ghosts, there is no afterlife. This is all we get, fucking enjoy it while you can.

  75. teenage girl says:

    I just lost my cat and I see her everywhere. What does that mean? Are my mind’s images the fractals of insouciance? I hold down a job but I feel presences.

  76. Frankus says:

    God doesn’t exist because the concept makes no sense. But that’s not the point. Religions and belief in gods is the result of evolutionary adaptations of the brain. Brain damage causes religious visions/thoughts. But that’s not the point.

    Eternity in hell.
    Eternity. Any idea how long that is? Try a trillion years and you are not even one millionth of an inch along the never-ending marathon of eternity.

    Is Hitler in Hell with a flame thrower blasting up his ass? He’s been roasting for about about 60 years now. Only another billion trillion gazillion years to go before we start the eternity of torture.
    C’mon God, I know he is Hitler and really bad and all, but c’mon.
    Eternity? WTF?
    That makes no sense.
    Religious people, hippy lovey that’s-not-MY-Christianity Christians, your religion makes no sense. At all.

    That’s the point.

  77. Chester Cheeto's fuzzy orange balls says:

    @Jesus would slap the shit outta many modern Christians:

    C.S. Lewis was an atheist.

  78. Dr. Breeder says:

    You take me back 25 years BN! Those evangelical preachers came to my university too, pointing their fingers at the chicks with their tight sweatpants who looked like Olivia Newton John in “Let’s Get Physical.” They they would shout at them and call them “SLUTS” and “WHORES.”

    I had to take them back to my place, convince them that they were not going to hell, and ride their wild ponies just to make ’em feel better!

    Oh those were the days.

  79. Christopher Hitchens says:

    People love to embrace my positions on religion yet I can’t get an ‘amen’ when it comes to Bush’s war in Iraq. Bollocks. Ex nihilo, nihil fit.

  80. Epicurus says:

    Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

    Just a little thing I wrote a few years back, nah big deal.

  81. The Number 7 and 6 and 666 says:

    i grew up very very Christian for 19 years and my many friends who casually, hypocritically, lukewarmedly accepted it got a fuzzy comfort blanket for the rest of their lives. i have slowly developed into an alcoholic and a control freak with no sense of self-worth, so for those who have a tolerant, ‘inclusive’ version of the religion, i say don’t bother.

  82. JUST a Normal Girl (The Original) says:

    There is no jesus only xuuuuul

  83. Cable Guy says:

    important stuff bn

  84. ew says:

    y do i owe al eternity $6.50? also, im not paying it back. 5 dollar foot long and a sodie pop, here i come!!!

  85. French Ass Raper says:

    I fuck women in the ass all the time and they call out to god. I’m doing the lords work.

  86. Gerald Bostock says:

    The guy who said the thing about BN preaching to the choir: excellent use of irony.

  87. dk says:

    ^^^ that’s not “irony” you illiterate hipster sperm monkey. go buy a dictionary.

  88. Vane$$a says:

    Free Inquiry magazine, although a great idea, has a lot of shitty writing. Hitchens needs to get on the ball.

  89. whiners suck says:

    I don’t know about you, but I KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!! you can too, join here:
    http://www.i-mockery.com/generalzod/kneel.php

  90. ty says:

    Fuck. Just looking into Ike’s evil eyes makes me want to snort a line or four…with him…in earth…as it is in heaven. With G-d and Buddha and Vishnu and everybody watching from the couch behind the hookah. What’s that? Depeche Mode? I haven’t heard that shit in a long, long time. It’s hella fuckin’ too bright in here. Turn down the lights. Wanna dance? WHO WANTS TO SNORT SOME RITALIN? HUH? WHAT?! FUCKIN’ PUSSY ASS MOTHERFUCKERS. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE I SAW HOW YOU WERE LOOKING AT MY WIFE! MOTHERFUCKER, I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU INTO DOG FOOD.

    WHAT?! WHAT?! WHERE’S MY FUCKING GUN, TINA? MOTHER FUCK YOU!!! 911? YOU BETTER CALL THE FUCKING CORONER BECAUSE I’M GONNA FUCKING CUT YOUR HEAD OFF, NICOLE! YOU FUCKING WHOREEEEEEE!!!!

    Thine is the power and the glory.

  91. tommy gun says:

    can i just say that those black metal losers who believe in “satan” are just as lame. thrash metal is fucking better anyway – i’ll take vermefug over satryicon any day.

  92. General Zod says:

    You stupid human slaves! How can you fear a long haired man named Jesus when it is I General Zod who can fly and has laser eyes that will destroy you for your disobedience!?!?!? Here is your Zod ultimatum: Choose to kneel before me or I shall kill you!

  93. seeyouinhellmyfriend says:

    People are fucking stupid if there was really this magical place like heaven, i wouldnt tell any of you motherfuckers. Then i would have it all to myself.

    well i might tell a few hot gay dudes…
    that would be paradise.

  94. Roger the fag says:

    Great article

  95. Jesus would slap the shit outta many modern Christians says:

    @Chester Cheeto’s fuzzy orange balls:

    C.S. Lewis was an atheist but became a Christian at age 30.

  96. ZLUR says:

    Woop-de-do.

  97. Satan Davis Jr. says:

    I don’t like hippies.

  98. I believe there are infinitely many paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. “Beileve what I think, or go to Hell! that’s what I say.

  99. train man says:

    ha! i love seeing all the christians on this forum back down as soon as bn declares it “uncool”

  100. JUST A NORMAL GUY (the original) says:

    WELL BN I THINK THAT YOU ARE RITE AND IT JUST GOES TO PROOVE THAT YOU CAN NEVER TELL WHAT YOUR GETTING INTO WHEN YOU EXPLORE PSYCHODELICS WITHOUT THE ASSISTINCE OF A TRAINED BABY SITTER LOL

  101. vane$$a says:

    one hundredth

  102. wack-boy says:

    If BN went off his meds, how long before he decided to eat a bullet?

  103. wack-boy says:

    Oh and I forgot to mention that I like to KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!!!!

  104. Gerald Bostock says:

    i?ron?y2? ?[ahy-er-nee] Show IPA
    –adjective
    consisting of, containing, or resembling iron.

    No, I was right on the money dk. NOW THAT’S IRONY!!!11!!!!

  105. ZLUR says:

    106th!

    Religion…yeah i got religion, tis calles L.F.C.

    You fuckers!

  106. Lady Friend says:

    :)

  107. ZLUR says:

    What I meant to say is that I have realized that I am a pathetic human slave and there is no religion there is only General ZOD! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!

  108. ZLUR says:

    No! I am Spartacus!

    All youse others is not…silly rabbits!

  109. Ayatollah Khomeini says:

    Irony is when a huge wooden crucifix topples over and kills a bunch of Christians.

    What happens when you die is exactly the same as what happened before you were born. Remember? Nah, I didn’t think so.

    Jesus? I fucked him.

  110. Bone Meal says:

    I think it’s neat. You don’t hear much about God these days.

  111. lolz says:

    yo absolutely loved this. i grew up in the buckle of the crystal meth/bible/tornado belt and while i never had encounters with missionaries coming out of corn fields, i definitely got into some crazy shit when i was high in HS. like the time we all smoked weed, watched a david lynch film and decided to go to a revival. that was bad. my mom grounded me for that one.


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