Of our society’s three most publicized religions, Islam is surprisingly the one that has fucked with me the least. While it’s true that Muslims are the only ones to actually fly planes into my place of business – and the only ones
Of our society’s three most publicized religions, Islam is surprisingly the one that has fucked with me the least. While it’s true that Muslims are the only ones to actually fly planes into my place of business – and the only ones whose global religious leaders have sworn to destroy my country and my home – their efforts are still far outweighed by the sheer amount of fucking-with-me that Jews and Christians have performed over the past 33 years. While Jews, from a quantitative perspective, certainly take the title of fucking with me most (and how could they not, when I have a Jewish mother who has fucked with my head as hard as she could every single day of my life) no one can fuck with anyone as viciously, as sadistically, and as hypocritically as the plain ol’ egg-paintin’ Christians.
I was raised Jewish – I mean, I had Christmas, stuffed stockings and shit, but I literally didn’t set foot in a church except for weddings and my uncle’s funeral. I enjoyed all the presents and Santa Claus’ pointy lap, but let’s cut to the chase: I was never made aware of THE JESUS ULTIMATUM until my “Religion & Society” class with Ms. Wagner during sophomore year of high school.
THE JESUS ULTIMATUM is a threat of death, pain, and torture that IS the foundation of the Christianity. THE JESUS ULTIMATUM is Christianity’s primary means of attracting new followers, akin to new members’ free month of rentals at Netflix. For non-Christians, THE JESUS ULTIMATUM is Christianity’s primary means of fucking with you. Here’s a quick story about the hardest that Christianity ever fucked with ME:
It was 1994, and I was on acid. Fortunately, I was in college at the time, which is the optimal time to be on acid and walking through a cornfield. I went to college in a very sparse state that does not have a major city. My college, like most colleges, was a cesspool of Liberal thought, socialist ideals, and non-reproductive semen spillage. The difference between most colleges and my college though, is that my college was in a RED state – we were a small oasis of left wing ideals in a toothless and manly county. Basically, they were real men, and we were a bunch of jerkoffs.
This placement offered an incredible target practice opportunity for the real men that lived in the real world around our jerkoff college. Sure, rednecks would drive onto campus just to shout stuff at us all the time – but the REAL opportunity was for the state’s numerous Christian preachers to come and have easy and direct access to shameless, mocking sinners. Busloads of Christians would literally come into our college campus, unload their dozens of children and cousins, and set up shop to preach directly to the fags, the hippies, the wasters, and the doomed heathens of liberal america. In turn, the students’ favorite pastime was to smoke pot in front of the preachers, kiss each other and shit, pull out their nuts, etc. What a fagfest on both sides: Never before in the history of human contact have so many preached to so few, for so little.
It was during one such preaching mission that I was walking through a cornfield on a hot and sunny day. These were real cornfields, just like the ones you see in the Stephen King movie, except with a black guy who doesn’t get killed within 5 minutes of the opening credits. The dude I was with had gotten really good acid, but we were long past our “peak” of tripping – so it’s not like the cornfields were turning into pineapple lumpcakes and dragons and shit – everything was CRYSTAL clear by then, but with that post-peaking intensity and importance of meaning. Bird tweeting, twig crunching; everything that happened during that hour felt very intentional, deliberate, ordained.
We were walking back toward campus, starting to deal with the ironic but expected inevitability that we’d have to return to the boundaries of society’s walls. As we walked from the fields to our campus though, a man stepped magically from the corn, and blocking our path, pointed a finger at our faces.
Telepathically, my friend and I both realized what the other had assumed: This man had clearly been sent by The Universe to come and bring us a cosmic message. Who else would block our path and point at our faces?
We stared at the air molecules between our eyes and his finger.
“I can tell,” he said, still pointing at us, “by the looks of the two of you,” and paused, looking up at us in controlled disgust. “…that you could both stand to hear that Brother Tom’s message.”
And with that, he pointed to an adjacent cornfield over our shoulders, where one such missionary bus was unpacking, preparing to take their case o’ Pepsi carton cardboard soapbox over to our campus green and begin the festivities.
I can tell by the looks of the two of you.
At the time I thought he meant that we looked CHOSEN to receive his message. READY to receive his message. ABLE to receive it. But now I realize he just meant something a lot simpler: He thought we were fags; interracial fag boyfriends at that. Prime targets. We automatically obeyed the hick Gandalf, and turned to approach the busload of preacher spawn.
“Brother Tom” was busy unpacking and gathering his preaching artifacts (waterbottle, dirty rag) but he looked up as we approached. He looked just like a kind and toothless Michael Landon – something about his face, his energy; it was peaceful, very peaceful, and very caring. He looked like a white version of Jesus. He accepted us into a quiet circle, and with everyone listening quietly, he told us his secrets. It felt like we were present at a UFO landing, or the building of Stonehenge. Here’s what he told us:
[A picture is worth a thousand words, so how much to you want for a video, including tax and inflation? There is NO WAY I can tell you what Brother Tom said any better than GROWING PAINS CHILD STAR KIRK CAMERON does in this video. Watch the video, and you will 100% understand the heart of Brother Tom’s message. Then for extra credit do this: Get high or take acid, and go to WayOfTheMaster.com Wait for the flash to load, and listen to Kirk Cameron. Then click on everything he says to click on. You still won’t have had my cornfield experience, but it will have been a damn good simulation.]
Now, because I was on acid, this experience scared me to the depths of my soul. Oh sure, I could front like it didn’t – but the intensity of hearing these threats up close on acid – it absolutely scared the shit out of me. For YEARS it came back to my head at random moments: a Fugazi show; a Yankee game; on the toilet. Now THAT’S called fucking with you. YEARS later in my 20’s, I finally confronted the experience. I gave it a FULL audit from all angles, and in my final analysis derived the following theory:
These Angry Christians can’t possibly think very highly of their god, because they are accusing him of being the most jealous and vengeful scumbag on the planet. In fact, when Kirk Cameron and his friends describe god, they make him sound extremely similar to IKE TURNER:
1) Like Ike Turner, God is EXTREMELY jealous.
2) Like Ike Turner, God has a VERY SHORT MUTHAFUCKIN FUSE.
3) Like Ike Turner, God will beat the FUCK out of ANY bitch – no matter how beautiful, no matter how gifted – who does not give him exactly what he asks for and devote their lives to him 100%.
4) FEAR GOD/IKE BITCH, and act accordingly. Make your decisions out of FEAR, not our of love.
So it follows: God, who is pure love, created you for the purposes of HATING you in your default state, and for the sole purpose of seeing whether you would give in to his THREATS of FEAR and PUNISHMENT, and admit that he was the greatest thing in the world, and live your life For Him, and that Private Dancer, Beyond Thunderdome, and even What’s Love Got To Do With It ain’t SHIT compared to his joints.
Life is a test from God? Well, if it is, this is the real test:
Are you going to act out of FEAR?
For someone like me, a guy whose BLACK ancestors had never heard of Jesus until some white dudes went and fucked it into ’em… A JEW who was never raised with JESUS as god, and never introduced to Jesus except through FEAR and THREATS… the test is this:
Am I so WEAK that I’m going to react out of FEAR and HORROR and accept an ultimatum to live my life to avoid IKE TURNER’s threats of torture?
This from those who have killed in the name of god – like little cross-wearing Mohamed Attas? This from those who fuck little boys and then say it’s okay because you apologized to a dead genius philosopher? You who believe to your core that the universe is LITERALLY build around your worldview, and that everyone else deserves death? That sounds to me like some Muslim shit after all.
God put me here to pass a test alright – to see whether I’d succumb in fear and horror to ALL of you terrorist scumbags. To see whether I’d make a decision motivated exclusively by self-preservation. I ain’t goin’ out like that. And suck my dick witcha Mel Gibson Bin Laden ass. Niggas oughta be ashamed.