Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 06.08.11 12:00 pm


THIS POST IS FOR MEN ONLY:Ladies, please respect our privacy and do not read the following article. You guys have plenty of shit of YOUR own, like Secret Deodorant, The View, etc., so please don’t make this an issue. Thanks and Respect.

THIS POST IS FOR MEN ONLY: Ladies, please respect our privacy and do not read the following article. You guys have plenty of shit of YOUR own, like Secret Deodorant, The View, etc., so please don’t make this an issue. Thanks and Respect.

OK, I know it’s been tiring this past week having to nod your head and say how disgusting Anthony Weiner is. What a liar, what a cheat, what a SCUMBAG; yes honey, yes boss, yes ma’am.

But you’ve done well, so now let’s take a moment to re-group and figure out what this particular FAIL means for us as guys. How can we learn from this poor fuck’s mistakes in order to reduce our own chances of an analogous downfall in the future?

Now, even if you’re lucky enough not to be an actual Sex Addict —

Definition of Sex Addict is anyone who needs to:

a) Jack off at work
b) Visit sex workers regularly
c) Visit the “booths” in Times Square (do they still exist by the way? I’m asking for me.)

— you’re still a MAN, and thus you can still relate to the all-encompassing power of the ball-expanding testicle juice that poisons our motivation, subverts our cortex and pushes us to the passenger’s seat as it drives us to take the actions IT believes will lead to a reduction in our nutsack’s chemical pressure.

When that juice gets a hold of ya, it’s like you’re riding shotgun to your own libido, watching a psychopath wearing your clothes drive like a MANIAC, off road and down wrong way streets, leaving you agape all “THAT nigga CRAZY!”

So as guys, we can understand how Elliot Spitzer — or whatever the fuck his name is, Anthony Weiner — was just at the mercy of his ball juice, riding shotgun while he watched himself take pictures of his junk and tweet his career right down the motherfucking drain.

Remember that everybody has different flavors and volumes of juice -– if your flavor is just that you jerk off to legal porn every night, consider yourself luckier than a black man born a Huxtable.

Biologically speaking, Weiner’s pretty lucky too — his juices, let us review, were only marginally deviant; they only demanded that he take pictures of his junk, which may be a little bit fucked up, but he still got off light compared to dudes whose juices demand that they download child porn, kidnap people, move to Utica so they can have backyard / basement wells with lotion baskets, fuck little girls, fuck little boys (ew), fuck dogs, shave their balls with rusty razors while thinking of their moms lathering up GI Joe figures and using them to titty fuck their sloppy ancient Upper West Side bosoms on shabbis, etc. (BRB, jerkin’ it.)

So Spitzer, or whoever, got off pretty light on the fetish scale: He was just sending naked pics and jerkin’ off to the fact that girls wanted to fuck him. (By the way, how unfair is our society: The guy is called WEINER his whole life, he’s DESTROYED in high school for his penis name and queer, prancy alignments, but he fights back against all odds like Rocky and wins and and finally becomes rich and powerful, takes his revenge — and he’s not even allowed to enjoy the pussy he’s owed. What a world.)

Now, every self-righteous woman with a keyboard will continue to tell you what they’ve been spewing for the last 48 hours: that they don’t think what Weiner did wasn’t “that” bad, but it’s the COVER-UP, the dishonesty, the web of lies that they so despise.

Rest assured, my friends, that this is TOTAL AND COMPLETE FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Women are saying this to you because it’s what they themselves WISH they could believe:

“I have no problem with him cheating, but it’s the LYING that gets me!”

BULL-FUCKING-SHIT you have no problem with him cheating -– it’s ALL about the cheating, and I will now explain why:

Here’s the secret: The core of a woman’s psychology is based entirely on insecurity, and they see a man’s desire for other women as proof that their insecurities are WELL-FOUNDED AND CORRECT.

SEE? I SUCK! I *AM* ugly and worthless –- he wants to fuck OTHER women because I suck! MY WORST FEARS ARE TRUE!

You should feel sorry for women! They have no control over this feeling, and they’re wagering their entire self-worth on a horse that can NEVER come in. Expecting a man to be satisfied with one woman is like betting a man will wake up and FLY –- it’s an IMPOSSIBLE task, as men are chemically wired to aim to fertilize hundreds of thousands of cunts.

Makes no sense for them to be jealous! It would make just as much sense for women to be jealous of a man’s need to EAT FOOD!

What, I’m not ENOUGH for you? You need a BURGER TOO?

Women have NO logical reason to feel insecure or feel a lack of self-worth based on a man’s inability to be satisfied banging the same pussy from their first date until the end of time… but face facts: The woman’s need is EMOTIONAL, not logical, and it’s not going away.

Therefore, psychologically, your entire role as the male is to minimize a woman’s insecurity (e.g. that’s what PROVIDING is all about), and to the extent that you can do that, BOTH of your happiness will be maximized.

Now back to Spitzer, or whoever:

HIS situation is not like yours, because he is a public figure with people crawling up his ass, with LEGIONS of professionals incentivized to catch him lying -– you don’t have that.

So yes, tactically speaking, in HIS case, Weiner’s biggest fail was lying. As a politician, your ONLY job is to play games with people’s heads, and he’s now disqualified because people have proof he’s a liar. He is unable to play the game because every single person sitting at the board saw him open the little brown envelope and peek at Mrs. Peacock with the candlestick in her pussy.

Believe me, EVERY SINGLE politician is walking around with a secret much worse than this one (look at how Arnold fooled everyone for ten years) –- it’s just a question of whether you get caught. If you lie, you make it worse, and now he’s disqualified from the game and will (obviously) have to resign.

But back to US GUYS:

WE are not public figures –- you will never have PR people crawling up your ass and having to lie repeatedly to reporters. If you ever get busted, you will just have to lie to one woman, and because it is just you saying shit to her over and over again like a cult leader, you have a very good chance of hypnotizing her back from INSECURITY to SECURITY.

Now here are some guidelines of how to deal with your juices without ruining your life:

1. Stay away from real women. Affairs are for RETARDS — do NOT fuck around with women at your job, neighbors or, god forbid, a mutual friend of the family. I’m astounded at how many people do this (Arnold?). Real women are bad news, because they will go nuts, stalk your wife, boil your rabbit and turn on you on a motherfucking dime.

2. If you have to fuck with whores and handjobs, you’ve got to keep it safe and as legal as possible (don’t use Craigslist, don’t drive around the streets like a fucking disgusting 1970s redneck scumbag) and DO NOT CREATE EVIDENCE. If you have to use these services regularly, then you have a medical condition and should get treatment like an alcoholic. Not kidding.

3. Rely on your computer and make-believe, but achtung: In your E-fantasies, really try not to send pictures to women because it is evidence. Really try not to send texts to women because it is evidence. Really try not to leave voicemails for women because it is EVIDENCE.

If you have a photo thing like Weiner, or need to be seen like a crazy flasher at an ice cream truck, pay for video chats at a site like IMLIVE.com, but wear a hood or a mask and make it untraceable. If you have distinguishing moles, have them removed by a qualified physician.

4. If you ever get caught, LIE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS OFF. Remember, you are not Spitzer or whoever. If you are caught, it is just you against her and her friends –- not an army or the media. If God forbid you find yourself in this nightmare scenario, remember that it is all about re-establishing her sense of security.

Do anything you can to make yourself seem horrible instead of her. A good technique is the “pump-and-fade”: Tell her this is just the tip of the iceberg, YOU HAVE A COKE ADDICTION and that’s the real problem –- anything to make it seem like it’s YOU who sucks instead of her.

Instead of feeling bad about herself, her nurturing qualities (female juices!!) will kick in and she will be compelled to take care of you in your time of need.

These lies are 1000x better than making a woman feel bad about herself, which is what you will do if you are ever stupid enough to admit that you wish to God sunny Jesus that you could taste a kempt Asian pussy just one more time before you die.

LIE LIE LIE no matter how clueless you think someone would have to be to believe what you are saying.

I hardly ever look at porn, but Jeff sent me this stupid link! Also, it’s my mom and the cocaine. I need rehab.

We can’t ever say we got “HACKED” again, since this dumb fuck ruined it for the rest of us, but you bet your ass there are more believable lies, like “THIS is the first fucking time I ever did this.”

“Honey, this is the first time” is ALWAYS better than “I’m gonna be honest: I do it all the time –- don’t I get points for honesty?” NO jackass, you get killed for honesty because you just admitted that you do it all the time because you’re not that into her because she sucks. You’ve proven her insecurity correct and now you have core meltdown.

Summary:

1. Jack it to porn.
2. FLUSH the tissues / babywipes.
3. Clear your cache.
4. If caught, lie.

In the words of Eddie Murphy or the other younger colored guy, “Baby, why you cryin’? I thought you said you already knew?!”

“I didn’t know till ya TOLD ME!”

Yikes, talk about evidence; burn this fucking note.

-BENJAMIN LEO
Follow The Ben Word on Twitter.


Comments
  1. Soo' Chest says:

    AMAZING

  2. Judgementals says:

    A hilarious tour de force. I’m taking this whole hasbeen website up a peg.

  3. “What, I’m not ENOUGH for you? You need a BURGER TOO?”

    Perfect.

  4. justin says:

    it’s like leo has never been with a woman and/or cheated on her.
    dude, your advice is fuckin’ retarded.

  5. Anonymous says:

    First three comments are from Ben Leo

  6. ball booster says:

    epic picture is epic.

  7. Ty says:

    Don’t forget #5, Benji. Blame it all on your pervert old college friend, Ty. Now your wife can think I’m the sick, horrible scumbag and you’re a caring, nurturing friend who’s not allowed in the house anymore. Thanks, you fucking hero.

    And lastly, this: if there’s NOT a ton of pictures of my dick on the internet, I’m doing something wrong.

    Aa-oh!

  8. Amy says:

    Justin is a woman. I can tell because im a girl too. Sorry benjamin, I had to read it and I think other females should to. Its pretty damn spot on.

    If only the human race wasn’t so doomed we could transcend these chemical impulses and really get something going on the universal sense.

  9. simon says:

    “don’t I get points for honesty?”

    yeah, never been there..

    : )

  10. iwontslowdown says:

    i think my 17 year old brother wrote this 3 years ago

  11. Steve Harvey says:

    Jesus. I’m Ethan Hawke jumping up on the desk over here. Well done. Just one question? If you go to the gym during your lunch break and jerk off in the shower there (only when no one’s around), does that make you a Sex Addict? I’m asking for me.

  12. Dickhead420 says:

    How do Lesley Arfin and Ben Leo work at the same blog? also, why hasnt she written an article that makes a fool of his often sexist, anti-muslim, right wing blanket statement bullshit

    Oh shit, is “Benjamin Leo” a joke where sbtvc tests it’s reader’s intelligence by seeing how we respond?

    Well played “Ben”

  13. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or Something says:

    Man, you have to hide the fact that you check out porn from your wife? Bummer. I guess my girl is super cool. I wonder if your wife actually knows anything about you at all. Sounds depressing :)

    @Steve Harvey: C’mon MAN! No jerking off in the gym showers please.

  14. Donkey Kong says:

    Incredible. This is throwback back to blognigger era because you cannot find shit this good anywhere on the internet. This, new kids, was what street boners and tv carnage was after when they hired blognigger / ben to write for the site back when. This am the magic.

    Haters, you don’t know how stupid you sound fronting on this.

    Dickhead 420, Leslie Arfin with her fake friends saying how yay every piece of drooling fake advice she gives could never in an eon construct something as bafflingly genius and true as this masterpiece.

  15. luke says:

    Liked this a lot.

  16. Anonymous says:

    this fucking rules

  17. Group E. says:

    “Consider yourself luckier than a black man born a huxtable”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

  18. This nonsense needs to stop says:

    Good shit Ben!
    @Donkey Kong, there’s a lot of dudes out there who prep a roll and pretend to be uber empathetic to all thing feminine. It’s a gimmick to come off as non threatening as possible to gain the trust of women, it’s just as dishonest and passive aggressive as the pretending to be a friend gimmick instead of honestly expressing interest. You can still be a real dude and not be misogynistic, but these guys run a gimmick trying to fool women that they’re that guy who’s not a dude and over empathizes to the point where the shit is obviously a lie.

  19. boulevard weiners says:

    niiiiiiice

  20. homeless says:

    @This nonsense needs to stop. I keep it real with my girl all the time, and every time it ends up with her flipping her shit over some insane insecurities. In a perfect world we could be straight with everyone, but if you want shit to go smoothly you gotta navigate the waters gracefully rather than drive head first into the storm….so tell em what they want to hear….or keep it real…eventually you’ll get tired of making the effort and turn into Al Bundy like the rest of us.

  21. This nonsense needs to stop says:

    @homeless, I know exactly what you mean and I’m not talking about that at all, thats most of our reality as men. What you said about grace is exactly what I meant about being a real man without being misogynistic. I’m talking about the guys with the phoney outrage when someone like Ben says stuff like this when most guys nod in agreement. They’re putting on a performance to appear as the different guy, when they’re really the worst one of all.

  22. Donkey Kong says:

    @this nonsense

    I agree, and well said. Not surprised this would come from an oldschooler like you. Sorry to be all elitist, but I find that the quality of comments has just vanished. it bums me out and I do wonder why it happened. Maybe if the quality of SC posts were at this level it never would have petered out.

    Anyhoops, good to have it back for a day.

  23. pony says:

    man I thought weiner got the shaft. The dude lied but who can blame him for hoping it’d blow over. Then he had that chick hopping on her moment of glory to talk to the press about how “skeezy” he was in sending her a pic she asked for

  24. Alpha Emphatic says:

    WTF?!

    Watch out, guys. Don’t take this pantywaist writer Ben Leo’s advice!

    He’s of course correct in his colorful depiction of the male hormonal imperative. But his “strategy” for dealing with women is a total man-FAIL. Here’s how you can tell he’s abjectly pussy-whipped, yet he doesn’t even know it:

    1) Jen Leo assumes you’ll want to STAY with the one woman. Why-ever would a fully realized man-man stay with one woman for any longer than it takes to properly monopolize and impregnate her (i.e. that heady electric three-to-ten days of introductory rutting?)

    2) Jen Leo is apparently unaware of the most crucial advice of all: backhand strikes can leave teltale bony-outline bruises. ALWAYS and ONLY use the fleshy palm side.

    Back to basics, guys. You’re welcome.

  25. The Chicago Manual of Style says:

    The style was too hard to read. Rants are cool but so is coherency, using punctuation, readable paragraph structure, not CAPITALIZING words for EFFECT, and so forth. Could have skipped everything besides the summary.

  26. The Chicago Manual of Style says:

    By the way, you can sample some of my own work at Never Published Anything, Nobody Cares, and Academia.com

  27. boston says:

    perfect article. PERFECT

  28. justaguy says:

    true, wish I would’ve read this a few years ago : P

  29. C. Burris says:

    “A little bit of honesty goes a long way.”
    –Raymond Chandler

  30. narcos says:

    good post, ben leo, bravo

  31. Leann Feltman says:

    I’m not gonna lie. I’m a lady. I read your post. I feel like the state of men and women and trust is down the toilet. This really depressed me. For all the talk men do bitching about the women they’re with. I think what it comes down to is a lack of empathy and serious selfishness on your part. How would these men feel if women went out and fucked multiple dudes while supposedly with them? When confronted if we(women) took advice from this silly little article? How many dudes have been fucked over by women? Why do you hate the women you’re with so much and don’t have the balls enough to get out and be honest with them so we don’t waste our time with losers like you. Also I do feel sorry for that weiner guy. I understand why he did it. it’s because he’s ugly. I mean, seriously busted. The chest-oral area is ok, the penis is miniscule and meh but the face, please. I would have to put a bag over that shit. serious ugh

  32. Anonymous says:

    fuck this bullshit. this guy is retarded

  33. Cable Guy says:

    Best post in a year maybe? Good work man.

  34. chikin bone nowison says:

    win!

  35. Kev Turner says:

    Truth! Like the halcyon BN days all over again. Well done Ben.

  36. WhoreDervz says:

    When did America become a Nation of right-wing pussy’s?

  37. Devin says:

    Best post in a year, yes. So good.

  38. Master of Puppets says:

    Fucking trenchant and hilarious.

  39. Vanes$a says:

    It’s weird how much Weiner and Beckles resemble each other when you throw Weiner on a cross in a Jesus costume.

  40. fachoto says:

    this is truth…usually somewhat annoyed by your rants, but this is spot on…anydude who doesn’t believe so has never fucked up in a relationship…

  41. Anonymous says:

    “Here’s the secret: The core of a woman’s psychology is based entirely on insecurity, and they see a man’s desire for other women as proof that their insecurities are WELL-FOUNDED AND CORRECT.”

    you forgot one thing there. “the core of a woman” WHO WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO YOU.

    there’ a whole nother type of woman out there who are pretty damn secure w/themselves and men. the ones who scare men like you.

  42. Anonymous says:

    Sorry about that, I was having my period like a stupid cunt.

  43. pretty woman says:

    do men really think women are satisfied bangin’ and blowin’ the same cock forever?!?!

    NEWSFLASH: WOMEN HAVE FANTASIES AND PHILANDER TOO.

    the ONLY difference is that men are too EGOTISTICAL to notice and too SELF-CENTERED to care.

    they also lack the introspection the recognize that their desire to

    POPULATE THE PLANET stems from an underlying core belief that they are WEAK, incapable of truly providing for a woman…particularly now that women are more educated and employable.

    AND WOMEN HAVE TO SMILE AND PRETEND TO BE HAPPY WHEN WE ARE CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINTED BY MEN’S FOOLISHNESS AND INCOMPETENCE.

    MEN MELTDOWN IF WE DON”T SAVE THEM FROM THEIR OWN VOICE…

    ” CRAP…SEE I AM *WEAK AND STUPID* AND EMOTIONALLY HANDICAPPED. SHE IS UNHAPPY AGAIN BECAUSE I SUCK. MY WORST FEARS ARE TRUE!!!” ugh. guess I”ll have to go stare at porn again…the place where everything is photoshopped and perfect and ALWAYS SMILING AND SATISFIED to again
    TRICK MY POOR SELF INTO BELIEVING SOMETHING THAT IS NOT TRUE.”

  44. sleepy says:

    the best way to keep men in line is to alternate between being a ball breaking cunt and acting like a loving mother. don’t ever show weakness through tears, or act insecure. insecurity makes dicks soft, but most men like being bossed around a little bit, and they ALL want to secretly fuck their mommies.

    the right kind of man will break from the mindfuck of your duality. then you can shape him into whatever you want. if you do it correctly, you can turn even the biggest shitbag player into a weepy-eyed little lapdog. you also don’t have to worry about cheating, because he will be so cracked out on you he won’t even know what to do with another woman. throw in some kinky sex and a decent b.j. once in a while, and there you go…he is now strung out on your pussy.

    unfortunately, once you break them, they turn obsessive fast. so if you don’t like waking up to 38 missed calls and sadface texts and suicidal voicemails because you haven’t answered your phone in almost 12 hours, that’s obviously not the option for you. me, i kinda dig it… but i’m a sicko :)

  45. uberwrench says:

    ^^if you pair-bond with a person and imply monogomy/exclusivity of sexual relations with that person and you get all established and cozy and get in the affectionate and natural habit of routinely checking on one other’s wellbeing; and then you suddenly skip off and don’t respond to the other person’s concerned inquiries, you are a crazy worthless manipulative douche-and-a-half bitch. Congratulations on achieving your big Life Goal!

  46. lala says:

    for all the shit-talking and patronizing of women ben leo does, all he established in this article is that he hides watching porn from his wife. first, if you married such a boring prude, that is your own fault not the fault of all the women on this planet.

    second, “Women have NO logical reason to feel insecure or feel a lack of self-worth based on a man’s inability to be satisfied banging the same pussy from their first date until the end of time… but face facts: The woman’s need is EMOTIONAL, not logical, and it’s not going away.” your argument of ‘logic’ only makes sense if you agree that a man should accept his woman is fucking around with other guys while she is with him. if yes, then it’s cool and you stupid-ass opinion holds some ground. if not, then shut the fuck up.

  47. “[mens] desire to

    POPULATE THE PLANET stems from an underlying core belief that they are WEAK, incapable of truly providing for a woman…particularly now that women are more educated and employable.”

    haha, no, it doesn’t. It’s simple a result of natural selection. Really now, its 2011, read a book or two

  48. Monad says:

    You’d have to be an Alpha, having already qualified yourself for her to feel insecure. But the irony of lying is that you are exhibiting beta traits. So what if you look at porn, she has to understand that you have millions of sperm and she has a few hundred eggs, that is the basis of and differences of male and female sexual motivations.

    The best way to make her feel secure is to tell her like it is, and hold there like a rock until she takes on your viewpoint. It’s that simple.

  49. Willy Wonka says:

    Remembering that you don’t actually get points for honesty is a good thing for all men to remember when dealing with women.

  50. Unca Mike says:

    In 50 years, college students will be studying this in class. What we are witnessing here, right now, is the birth of the New Literature.

  51. […] The MEN’s Guide to Anthony Weiner life fail: […]


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