THIS POST IS FOR MEN ONLY:Ladies, please respect our privacy and do not read the following article. You guys have plenty of shit of YOUR own, like Secret Deodorant, The View, etc., so please don’t make this an issue. Thanks and Respect.
THIS POST IS FOR MEN ONLY: Ladies, please respect our privacy and do not read the following article. You guys have plenty of shit of YOUR own, like Secret Deodorant, The View, etc., so please don’t make this an issue. Thanks and Respect.
OK, I know it’s been tiring this past week having to nod your head and say how disgusting Anthony Weiner is. What a liar, what a cheat, what a SCUMBAG; yes honey, yes boss, yes ma’am.
But you’ve done well, so now let’s take a moment to re-group and figure out what this particular FAIL means for us as guys. How can we learn from this poor fuck’s mistakes in order to reduce our own chances of an analogous downfall in the future?
Now, even if you’re lucky enough not to be an actual Sex Addict —
Definition of Sex Addict is anyone who needs to:
a) Jack off at work
b) Visit sex workers regularly
c) Visit the “booths” in Times Square (do they still exist by the way? I’m asking for me.)
— you’re still a MAN, and thus you can still relate to the all-encompassing power of the ball-expanding testicle juice that poisons our motivation, subverts our cortex and pushes us to the passenger’s seat as it drives us to take the actions IT believes will lead to a reduction in our nutsack’s chemical pressure.
When that juice gets a hold of ya, it’s like you’re riding shotgun to your own libido, watching a psychopath wearing your clothes drive like a MANIAC, off road and down wrong way streets, leaving you agape all “THAT nigga CRAZY!”
So as guys, we can understand how Elliot Spitzer — or whatever the fuck his name is, Anthony Weiner — was just at the mercy of his ball juice, riding shotgun while he watched himself take pictures of his junk and tweet his career right down the motherfucking drain.
Remember that everybody has different flavors and volumes of juice -– if your flavor is just that you jerk off to legal porn every night, consider yourself luckier than a black man born a Huxtable.
Biologically speaking, Weiner’s pretty lucky too — his juices, let us review, were only marginally deviant; they only demanded that he take pictures of his junk, which may be a little bit fucked up, but he still got off light compared to dudes whose juices demand that they download child porn, kidnap people, move to Utica so they can have backyard / basement wells with lotion baskets, fuck little girls, fuck little boys (ew), fuck dogs, shave their balls with rusty razors while thinking of their moms lathering up GI Joe figures and using them to titty fuck their sloppy ancient Upper West Side bosoms on shabbis, etc. (BRB, jerkin’ it.)
So Spitzer, or whoever, got off pretty light on the fetish scale: He was just sending naked pics and jerkin’ off to the fact that girls wanted to fuck him. (By the way, how unfair is our society: The guy is called WEINER his whole life, he’s DESTROYED in high school for his penis name and queer, prancy alignments, but he fights back against all odds like Rocky and wins and and finally becomes rich and powerful, takes his revenge — and he’s not even allowed to enjoy the pussy he’s owed. What a world.)
Now, every self-righteous woman with a keyboard will continue to tell you what they’ve been spewing for the last 48 hours: that they don’t think what Weiner did wasn’t “that” bad, but it’s the COVER-UP, the dishonesty, the web of lies that they so despise.
Rest assured, my friends, that this is TOTAL AND COMPLETE FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Women are saying this to you because it’s what they themselves WISH they could believe:
“I have no problem with him cheating, but it’s the LYING that gets me!”
BULL-FUCKING-SHIT you have no problem with him cheating -– it’s ALL about the cheating, and I will now explain why:
Here’s the secret: The core of a woman’s psychology is based entirely on insecurity, and they see a man’s desire for other women as proof that their insecurities are WELL-FOUNDED AND CORRECT.
SEE? I SUCK! I *AM* ugly and worthless –- he wants to fuck OTHER women because I suck! MY WORST FEARS ARE TRUE!
You should feel sorry for women! They have no control over this feeling, and they’re wagering their entire self-worth on a horse that can NEVER come in. Expecting a man to be satisfied with one woman is like betting a man will wake up and FLY –- it’s an IMPOSSIBLE task, as men are chemically wired to aim to fertilize hundreds of thousands of cunts.
Makes no sense for them to be jealous! It would make just as much sense for women to be jealous of a man’s need to EAT FOOD!
What, I’m not ENOUGH for you? You need a BURGER TOO?
Women have NO logical reason to feel insecure or feel a lack of self-worth based on a man’s inability to be satisfied banging the same pussy from their first date until the end of time… but face facts: The woman’s need is EMOTIONAL, not logical, and it’s not going away.
Therefore, psychologically, your entire role as the male is to minimize a woman’s insecurity (e.g. that’s what PROVIDING is all about), and to the extent that you can do that, BOTH of your happiness will be maximized.
Now back to Spitzer, or whoever:
HIS situation is not like yours, because he is a public figure with people crawling up his ass, with LEGIONS of professionals incentivized to catch him lying -– you don’t have that.
So yes, tactically speaking, in HIS case, Weiner’s biggest fail was lying. As a politician, your ONLY job is to play games with people’s heads, and he’s now disqualified because people have proof he’s a liar. He is unable to play the game because every single person sitting at the board saw him open the little brown envelope and peek at Mrs. Peacock with the candlestick in her pussy.
Believe me, EVERY SINGLE politician is walking around with a secret much worse than this one (look at how Arnold fooled everyone for ten years) –- it’s just a question of whether you get caught. If you lie, you make it worse, and now he’s disqualified from the game and will (obviously) have to resign.
But back to US GUYS:
WE are not public figures –- you will never have PR people crawling up your ass and having to lie repeatedly to reporters. If you ever get busted, you will just have to lie to one woman, and because it is just you saying shit to her over and over again like a cult leader, you have a very good chance of hypnotizing her back from INSECURITY to SECURITY.
Now here are some guidelines of how to deal with your juices without ruining your life:
1. Stay away from real women. Affairs are for RETARDS — do NOT fuck around with women at your job, neighbors or, god forbid, a mutual friend of the family. I’m astounded at how many people do this (Arnold?). Real women are bad news, because they will go nuts, stalk your wife, boil your rabbit and turn on you on a motherfucking dime.
2. If you have to fuck with whores and handjobs, you’ve got to keep it safe and as legal as possible (don’t use Craigslist, don’t drive around the streets like a fucking disgusting 1970s redneck scumbag) and DO NOT CREATE EVIDENCE. If you have to use these services regularly, then you have a medical condition and should get treatment like an alcoholic. Not kidding.
3. Rely on your computer and make-believe, but achtung: In your E-fantasies, really try not to send pictures to women because it is evidence. Really try not to send texts to women because it is evidence. Really try not to leave voicemails for women because it is EVIDENCE.
If you have a photo thing like Weiner, or need to be seen like a crazy flasher at an ice cream truck, pay for video chats at a site like IMLIVE.com, but wear a hood or a mask and make it untraceable. If you have distinguishing moles, have them removed by a qualified physician.
4. If you ever get caught, LIE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS OFF. Remember, you are not Spitzer or whoever. If you are caught, it is just you against her and her friends –- not an army or the media. If God forbid you find yourself in this nightmare scenario, remember that it is all about re-establishing her sense of security.
Do anything you can to make yourself seem horrible instead of her. A good technique is the “pump-and-fade”: Tell her this is just the tip of the iceberg, YOU HAVE A COKE ADDICTION and that’s the real problem –- anything to make it seem like it’s YOU who sucks instead of her.
Instead of feeling bad about herself, her nurturing qualities (female juices!!) will kick in and she will be compelled to take care of you in your time of need.
These lies are 1000x better than making a woman feel bad about herself, which is what you will do if you are ever stupid enough to admit that you wish to God sunny Jesus that you could taste a kempt Asian pussy just one more time before you die.
LIE LIE LIE no matter how clueless you think someone would have to be to believe what you are saying.
I hardly ever look at porn, but Jeff sent me this stupid link! Also, it’s my mom and the cocaine. I need rehab.
We can’t ever say we got “HACKED” again, since this dumb fuck ruined it for the rest of us, but you bet your ass there are more believable lies, like “THIS is the first fucking time I ever did this.”
“Honey, this is the first time” is ALWAYS better than “I’m gonna be honest: I do it all the time –- don’t I get points for honesty?” NO jackass, you get killed for honesty because you just admitted that you do it all the time because you’re not that into her because she sucks. You’ve proven her insecurity correct and now you have core meltdown.
1. Jack it to porn.
2. FLUSH the tissues / babywipes.
3. Clear your cache.
4. If caught, lie.
In the words of Eddie Murphy or the other younger colored guy, “Baby, why you cryin’? I thought you said you already knew?!”
“I didn’t know till ya TOLD ME!”
Yikes, talk about evidence; burn this fucking note.