This picture of a normal-sized mannequin is exploding all over Facebook because women are thrilled to see an attainable body image for once.
Bitch, it’s you and the gays that came up with that 12-year-old boy thing. Stop telling us we have high standards. Sure Uggs bum us out and we like you to try but men ain’t mad at a little gunt. We’re not mad at anything, really. If a woman makes an effort, grows her hair long, and occasionally wears heels, she can’t be single.
Outside of incredibly crazy and borderline retarded, we’re ready to roll with just about every personality too. In the documentary Women Aren’t Funny, we’re told men are intimidated by funny or smart or empowered women. That is total horseshit and I’m sick of hearing it from bitter spinsters with dried up ovaries.
If an attractive woman is trying but she’s “too good” to get a man, she’s either too old for a guy who might want kids one day, or she’s a cunt. That movie also drones on about the Madonna / Whore complex and says female comedians can’t be glamorous because men don’t want to see real women on stage. Yeah, right. And Natasha Leggero makes us barf.
We don’t care about bodies that are a little over the line. We don’t even hate cankles. Throw on some heels and that’ll elongate the calf long enough for us to fall in love with you. Yes Beth Ditto is a little large for our liking but if she was all, “That’s it fucker, suck my fat pussy” even SHE would do just fine. Talk to dudes behind closed doors. The only thing we don’t like about fucking fat chicks is how grossed out other women are when they find out. When men masturbate, they tend to pull up the nights they spent with 6s more often than the nights they spent with 9s.
Women say they are sick of the impossibly high beauty standards men ruthlessly impose upon them. They are tired of having to spend hours at the gym and weeks recovering from surgery just to please men. The American Body Police now audit every increment of a lady’s BMI.
And the victims of this patriarchy-imposed demand for flawlessness are getting younger. When I was 18, it was completely unheard of for girls to get plastic surgery. In 2008, “219,000 cosmetic procedures were done on patients aged 18 and younger.” Even seven-year-olds are considering it.
But finally, the women are trying to fight back. A photo of a normal-sized female mannequin, deemed exceptional because it is normal, is exploding all over the Internet. As of today, about 200,000 people have “Liked” it on Facebook, and thousands of women have left empowering comments such as, “It’s about time!” and “Finally!”
(Record scratch) Wait a minute! Nobody consulted me about all this.
I didn’t come up with the idea of fake tits. I think they’re bizarre. I’ve met about two men in my life who disagree, but they’re both obese losers who never get laid. Same goes for any man who has uttered the phrase “No fat chicks.” Sure, we’re not into women who are so gigantic, they have a flesh-colored Santa beard like Honey Boo Boo’s mom does. But when we see a truly enormous woman waddling down the street, the worst we think is, “Yeesh, not my cup of tea.” When women see her, the nicest thing they say is, “Look at that disgusting BEAST!” If some enormous female feels too oppressed by all this scrutiny, all she has to do is burn more calories. Women have nobody to blame for all this “oppression” but themselves. Men are way too horny to notice. Before there was porn, we would masturbate to National Geographic magazines and Sears catalogues. Why would women think we have unattainable expectations?
Here in the real world, love is blind. So are erections. We don’t really care what you look like as long as you have a vagina and don’t dry-heave when you see us naked. If women knew how unbelievably perverted we are, they wouldn’t even brush their hair. Napoleon said to Josephine, “I will return to Paris tomorrow evening. Don’t wash.” We want to inhale your flaws. As my buddy Sharky said, “Smelling a woman’s ass is a poor man’s Viagra.” Our testosterone is already airbrushing you into perfection the second you walk into the room. We have virtually no deal-breakers.