Posted by
• 04.06.13 10:36 am

This picture of a normal-sized mannequin is exploding all over Facebook because women are thrilled to see an attainable body image for once.


Bitch, it’s you and the gays that came up with that 12-year-old boy thing. Stop telling us we have high standards. Sure Uggs bum us out and we like you to try but men ain’t mad at a little gunt. We’re not mad at anything, really. If a woman makes an effort, grows her hair long, and occasionally wears heels, she can’t be single.

Outside of incredibly crazy and borderline retarded, we’re ready to roll with just about every personality too. In the documentary Women Aren’t Funny, we’re told men are intimidated by funny or smart or empowered women. That is total horseshit and I’m sick of hearing it from bitter spinsters with dried up ovaries.

If an attractive woman is trying but she’s “too good” to get a man, she’s either too old for a guy who might want kids one day, or she’s a cunt. That movie also drones on about the Madonna / Whore complex and says female comedians can’t be glamorous because men don’t want to see real women on stage. Yeah, right. And Natasha Leggero makes us barf.

We don’t care about bodies that are a little over the line. We don’t even hate cankles. Throw on some heels and that’ll elongate the calf long enough for us to fall in love with you. Yes Beth Ditto is a little large for our liking but if she was all, “That’s it fucker, suck my fat pussy” even SHE would do just fine. Talk to dudes behind closed doors. The only thing we don’t like about fucking fat chicks is how grossed out other women are when they find out. When men masturbate, they tend to pull up the nights they spent with 6s more often than the nights they spent with 9s.

It’s like…

Blame the Women

Women say they are sick of the impossibly high beauty standards men ruthlessly impose upon them. They are tired of having to spend hours at the gym and weeks recovering from surgery just to please men. The American Body Police now audit every increment of a lady’s BMI.

And the victims of this patriarchy-imposed demand for flawlessness are getting younger. When I was 18, it was completely unheard of for girls to get plastic surgery. In 2008, “219,000 cosmetic procedures were done on patients aged 18 and younger.” Even seven-year-olds are considering it.

But finally, the women are trying to fight back. A photo of a normal-sized female mannequin, deemed exceptional because it is normal, is exploding all over the Internet. As of today, about 200,000 people have “Liked” it on Facebook, and thousands of women have left empowering comments such as, “It’s about time!” and “Finally!”

But ultimately, they’re fighting a losing battle. Men will always hold the carrot of perfection at the end of a long stick of suffering simply because they can. What a vile bunch we are.

(Record scratch) Wait a minute! Nobody consulted me about all this.

I didn’t come up with the idea of fake tits. I think they’re bizarre. I’ve met about two men in my life who disagree, but they’re both obese losers who never get laid. Same goes for any man who has uttered the phrase “No fat chicks.” Sure, we’re not into women who are so gigantic, they have a flesh-colored Santa beard like Honey Boo Boo’s mom does. But when we see a truly enormous woman waddling down the street, the worst we think is, “Yeesh, not my cup of tea.” When women see her, the nicest thing they say is, “Look at that disgusting BEAST!” If some enormous female feels too oppressed by all this scrutiny, all she has to do is burn more calories. Women have nobody to blame for all this “oppression” but themselves. Men are way too horny to notice. Before there was porn, we would masturbate to National Geographic magazines and Sears catalogues. Why would women think we have unattainable expectations?

Here in the real world, love is blind. So are erections. We don’t really care what you look like as long as you have a vagina and don’t dry-heave when you see us naked. If women knew how unbelievably perverted we are, they wouldn’t even brush their hair. Napoleon said to Josephine, “I will return to Paris tomorrow evening. Don’t wash.” We want to inhale your flaws. As my buddy Sharky said, “Smelling a woman’s ass is a poor man’s Viagra.” Our testosterone is already airbrushing you into perfection the second you walk into the room. We have virtually no deal-breakers.


  1. chelsea says:

    i just showered, have long hair, wear heels and am single. wtf

  2. chelsea says:

    is it because i showered

  3. grumpy old man says:

    I like a bit of meat

  4. Yes we like big, round, perfect, asses but we also like no ass at all. That’s why Asian girls can still get dates.

  5. Amy says:

    Love this. So true. Women do this to themselves.

  6. Perrin says:

    Disclaimer: I’m a dude who is successful with women.

    I hope this isn’t meant to put women at ease. This whole article objectifies women. It basically says, “Hey don’t worry — we’ll fuck you no matter HOW fat you are!” And it expects women to respond with a spunky “Gee thanks!”

    This article implies the most important thing about a woman is her level of sex appeal, which is EXACTLY the cultural attitude that leads to the “myth of male expectations” in the first place. We can see this in the advice: “Throw on some heels and that’ll elongate the calf long enough for us to fall in love with you,” which translates to: “Just make yourself as sexy as possible even if you aren’t, so we can bestoweth upon you our golden dicks.”

    I don’t know this guy’s dating life, but if I were to guess, I’d say he’s one of those cocky guys with a fair amount of notches on his bedpost. And, hey, we’ve all lived that life at one time or another. Or, he’s one of those resentful forever-alone types. I don’t see how any man who respects women could write the above and really believe it.

    For the rest of you lads, I’d encourage you to think about what you value in a woman beyond how “over the line” her body is; instead, focus on how much chemistry you have, how attracted you are to each other and how much fun you have together. You’ll have more (and better) sex with people you’re more attracted to and have more fun with.

  7. Shrimpy says:

    This is fucking spectacular. Such a satisfying and dead-on accurate read.

    I’ve said this same shit to every woman I’ve ever cared about, and they’ve all oddly resented me for it rather than take any comfort in it.

    They’re generally FAR more concerned with what other women think than what we men think.

  8. Norman Michaels says:

    These Napoleon enthusiasts think the “don’t wash” quote is fabricated.;id=7486

  9. RED says:

    Women earn less than men because they tend to put family over work. They chose that life. They chose to get into the workforce and they hate that it leaves them childless and alone at 40 but they chose that too. You’re not allowed to complain when you were offered options and you refused.

  10. typical guy says:

    perrin must be a woman

  11. Hunter says:

    Before this here cherry was popped, I spent a lot of time thinking that I was too fat for any guy without a “BBW” fetish to find me attractive. I finally realized that isn’t the case. Also, almost every insecurity I’ve ever had has in some way stemmed from things women have said, or done. It’s very rarely guys who make me feel bad about myself. Yes, it happens. But it’s usually chicks.

  12. Tony Clifton says:

    When I get into this with a feisty feminist, I put it this way. You may not understand it, but men LOVE women. They are FASCINATED by women ( if they’re not gay, that is). Do you know how fascinated men are by women? Most men are happy sitting alone in room for hours on end just looking at pictures of women. That’s all. Just sitting by themselves in the dark, looking at them. Is it objectifying? Sure. Is it kind of creepy? Yah. But how many women do you know that have this problem? I think that’s this man’s point. Men are fascinated by women. We’re not persnickety. I have never heard a guy complain about a ‘deal-breaker’. That’s what women do.

  13. Gigi says:

    I’d share this with everyone I know but the Beth Ditto part of the argument was weak. She’s a lesbian. She doesn’t want her pussy sucked by a dude. Should have picked a sexy hetero fat lady, it would have worked better. Other than that, I love this piece.

  14. Now there's a lot of bad bitches in the building says:


  15. Anonymous says:

    Beth Ditto is violent toward men and is therefore a sexist misandrist who deserves jail time and an end to her career.

  16. Zig says:

    Hey Typical guy. I wondered that myself. Or maybe gay.

    Little johnny was playing house with little suzy and they got to the part where they showed each other their stuff. Little suzy got upset when little johnny made fun of her missing parts, and she went home crying when he told her she would never have a pecker.
    Next day she was back with a big ol shit eating grin.
    She told little johnny she went home and told her older sister what he had said.
    Her older sister told little suzy that when she got older, that little thing between her legs could get all the peckers she wanted!

  17. itchypeach says:

    I don’t think the problem starts with gender or magazines its people just wanting to look like what they like. but the sooner people realize when youre happy with yourself and comfortable thats when you can live with yourself and not want to push a pistol down your mouth.

  18. Clovis says:

    @ Anonymous

    Not sure if you’re being ironic or not, but a kick in the balls, especially coming from a low center of gravity fat-body like Ditto, is no joke. I had an irate woman assault my testes once upon a time. Not long after my left sack swelled to the size of a potato on steroids. I had to have it (a hydrocoele) removed via a procedure known as hydrocelectomy. Long story short, it required a 4 inch incision width-wise across my bag. Not fun. Urologists aren’t sure what causes this to happen, but ball-trauma is a primary suspect. Ditto’s victim should sue the shit out of her.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Not being ironic at all. Women are violent as fuck toward men yet somehow get a free pass. This will only change when guys stop allowing themselves to get kicked in the balls and grow some balls instead.

  20. waitwhat says:

    A lil heavy on the vitriol (seems to be Gavin’s modus operandi lately) but I agree with the points made.

    I always laugh at clowns who walk around with a “type” like it’s a clipboard with a checklist that needs to be consulted before they holler at a woman. I like more women than I dislike. Short, tall, thick, thin, dark, pale, missing a limb, scar on face, bring it on. About the only thing I find repellant is orange skinned mutants with massive tits precariously balanced
    on non-existent hips. Augmentation is fucking up the balance in more ways than one.

    You’re still young and seemingly just coming into your own, you’ll have to endure lots of Mean Girls situations moving forward. Good luck. The older the berry, the more bitter the juice.

  21. Woman says:


    Is the point of this article that men have nothing to do with women’s obsession with their appearance? Because if that is the point you are trying to make, maybe the best way to go isn’t to tell us we can look like shit and it’s ok cause you’re so horny you’ll still fuck us. Cause that implies we are really desperate for you to fuck us. And you make it sound like the ONLY thing men give a shit about is how women look. Like, we can be crazy or borderline retarded but that’s ok as long as we grow our hair long and wear heels once in a while, and aren’t obese. You see, if we are desperate for you to fuck us, and all you care about is our appearance, even if you’re not particularly picky, that’s pretty shitty for us. And, yeah, that would very much make you responsible for us obsessing over how we look.

    However, if the point of this article was actually to bitch and complain about how ridiculous and unreasonable women are, then, awesome.

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