Posted by
Jessica Delfino
• 08.30.12 09:00 am

My great aunt passed away recently, and my relatives had her cremated.

A family kerfuffle broke out because some family members didn’t like the burial arrangements. Why? She was cremated at ABBEY AFFORDABLE CREMATION.

One family member said, “That’s the kind of funeral you give to someone you don’t know.” It could have been worse. If she were really unknown, she could have been buried in the John and Jane Doe Cemetery by inmates at Hart Island.

Which got me to thinking: How much does it cost to die?

OK, so yeah, the act of dying is free of charge to the deceased, but not to the living. Loved ones have to often foot the bill to dispose of human remains. What a drag. That’s why you should always try to be considerate of how you commit suicide. Killing yourself via jumping off a bridge costs the taxpayers thousands. Shooting yourself in the head in your home or office is a real mindfuck to the people who have to clean up your brain matter, not to mention whoever finds you. We all know how annoying it is to clean up someone else’s say, dishes or empty beer bottles full of cigarette butts and candy wrappers. If you plan to shoot yourself in the head, have the decency to do it into an open grave.

A messy suicide is actually a fine form of revenge. The tragic story of the man who shot his boss near the Empire State Building last week could have just killed himself in his boss’s office instead of shooting him in front of traumatized strangers, traumatizing the crap out of his coworkers and leaving what would have surely been a disgusting, retina-staining mess for those he personally despised would have been a little more considerate and sensible.

Another case where death costs the living is when someone falls asleep smoking and burns the entire house down. Not very cool, smoky Joe.

So think about how you plan to die, and try if you can to make it affordable to your friends and loved ones. Check out and purchase in advance the special deals at BEST PRICE CASKETS. I am all up in death’s grille, and I love ghosts and a good Stephen King novel, but I must admit, staring at pages and pages of caskets left an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

If you’re a big spender, into the idea of going out with a bang, check out some of the most expensive funerals ever for inspiration—Princess Di, Ronald Reagan, JFK, Elvis Presley, and Michael Jackson knew how to make a real splash at the cemetery.

If you are thinking about the burial of your furry friend, might I suggest freeze-drying. Not only is it a horrific prank for friends and guests, but you get to turn your own living room into a mausoleum. Kind of takes the “living” out of the living room, eh? Heh heh. Heh. Hm.





  1. jissom jigaboo says:

    Just wonder off into the woods and die. Or maybe that should only be for people who don’t know how to spell “wander.”

  2. jissom jigaboo says:

    Feed yourself to lions, tigers or bears in the Zoo

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