I was on Twitter one day looking for the most vapid trends I could find.
I was on Twitter one day looking for the most vapid trends I could find. I ran across this:
I wasn’t sure of its origins. I found that it quickly took on a life of its own as a means of using gut-bustingly hilarious illiteracy and self-flagellation by Caucasians to make a snarky and sociological point. For example, did you know that white people invented racism? They also invented slavery, combovers, and grilled chicken. I learned all of this in the span of ten Twittering minutes.
The thought nestled and filed itself in the back of my mind, like most trivial things do. In my hunt for things to write about, I did what I always do: I surf the web. I look for things. I re-ran across the “Rape Checklist.” You remember that, right? Once upon a time, a batshit insane feminist named BitingBeaver wrote this up as a simple way for men to determine whether or not they were rapists. She both stated the obvious and included her own twisted views as authoritative information for picking out the patriarchy’s sex crimes of the against the sisterhood. Fun stuff to read if you’ve an ounce of common sense in your head. Fun fact: Anonymous fucked her shit up good over her comments on wishing she could have aborted her teenage son after he got busted tugging it to online porn.
It hit me like a taxicab driven by a disgruntled Middle Easterner on coke. What this polarized and divided country needs right now is a racism checklist. Accusing someone of racism is like giving them the scarlet letter. It’s a way to silence any opposition in an argument. It’s the method for delineating between the righteous and the filthy.
So here it is. I base this off everything I’ve ever heard about racism. Most of it, anyway. Some of it. OK, I’m making most of this up.
- If you believe your skin color makes you automatically superior to another, you’re a racist.
- If you hold resentment over another race in general, you’re a racist.
- If you belong to the Ku Klux Klan, you’re a racist.
- You’re a racist if you’ve ever uttered the following words: nigger, kike, slant, tarbaby, porch monkey, spearchucker, heeb, sand-nigger, ching-chang-chong, bix-nood, purple drank, where all the white women at, get off my lawn, Richard Nixon, loose shoes, tight pussy and a warm place to shit.
- If you’ve ever enjoyed music that was written during the segregation/Jim Crow era, you’re a racist. Burn your Buddy Holly and Jerry Lee Lewis records.
- If you think hip-hop sucks, you’re a racist and could be accused of having good taste.
- If you live in the South, you’re a racist. Furthermore, if you’ve never referred to it as “The Dirty South,” you’re doubly a racist.
- If you’ve ever had a slightly less than deifying thought about Martin Luther King, you’re a racist.
- If you think Jews Did 9/11, you’re a racist.
- If you think Muslims did 9/11, HOW DARE YOU? FUCKING RACIST.
- If you’ve ever eaten at a Chinese buffet, Japanese steakhouse, or Indian restaurant, you’re a racist for marginalizing their culture. Shame on you, you racist.
- If you’ve ever read an R. Crumb comic, you’re a racist.
- If you think Newport cigarettes are too harsh, you’re a racist.
- If you’ve slept with someone outside your race, you’re a racist for exploiting other races for your own sexual gratification.
- If you’ve NEVER slept with someone outside your race, you’re a racist. Embrace diversity, you hatemonger.
- If you think Asians do better on standardized tests, you’re a racist.
- If you think Spike Lee movies suck ass, you’re a racist, or probably a film critic. A racist one, of course.
- If you believe that the word “redneck” only refers to a subset of white people, but you get offended at the word “nigger” because you think it encompasses all black folks, you’re a racist.
- If you’ve ever ground your pelvis into someone’s ass on the dance floor while Prince’s “Pussy Control” was playing, you’re a racist and you’ve probably had too much to drink. Call a cab.
- If you thought the design of the Confederate flag was kind of neat, you’re a racist.
- If you didn’t text ten bucks to Haiti when the shit was going down, you’re a racist.
- If you didn’t draw a picture for Japan after the tsunami, you’re a racist.
- If you are the 1%, you are a racist.
- If you are the 99%, you’re a racist. Don’t think I can’t see you little fucks hiding in there.
- If you didn’t vote for Obama, you’re a racist. Or you just hated Sarah Palin. Still, you’re racist.
- If you’re a Republican, you’re a racist.
- If you’re a Democrat, you’re a racist.
- If you’ve ever tried to score weed or coke in an economically challenged area of town at 3 AM, you’re a racist. Come back during business hours, racist.
- Did I mention you’re a racist? You’re a fucking racist.
- If you’ve ever had Aunt Jemima pancakes, you’re a racist and so am I. I fucking love pancakes.
- If you’re a porn star, and you’ve never had an interracial scene, you’re a racist. You’re also probably Jenna Jameson.
- RACISM! OH GOD, GET IT OFF! I NEED A SHOWER! SHIT! IT’S NOT COMING OFF, MOM!
- If you don’t find the Disney Channel humorous and amusing, you’re a racist. Too many blacks and Asians for you, Jim Crow?
- If you bought Vanilla Ice’s To The Extreme album back in 1990, you’re a racist.
- Got milk? Racist.
- If you’re wondering how Tyler Perry was able to create a media empire by cross-dressing, wonder no more: You’re a racist.
- If you don’t believe that Farrakhan’s a prophet that we think you oughtta listen to, what he can say to you, what you oughtta do is consider yourself a racist.
- If you don’t fight the powers that be, you’re a racist.
- If you didn’t catch the two Public Enemy references I just made, you’re a racist.
- If you thought the black comedian dude from season two of The Real World was an obnoxious douche, you’re a racist.
- If you’re not spanking it to Japanese animation featuring tentacles, you’re a sexually well-adjusted racist.
- If it pisses you off that Chick-fil-A isn’t open on Sundays, you’re a racist.
- If you like Oreo cookies, you’re a racist because you’re suggesting that beneath all blackness, there’s a delicious white center. Delicious, but RACIST.
- If you throw up Westside and you live in the suburbs, you’re a racist. And stupid.
- If you think Asian restaurants are preying upon housepets for an inexhaustible source of food, you’re a racist, but that won’t bring Mr. Fluffy back.
- If you have a tattoo of Japanese Kanji, you’re a racist and your tattoo actually means “homo.”
- If you wish MTV would start playing music videos again, you’re a racist.
- If you’re a white couple and you’ve never advertised on Craigslist looking for BBC to explore a cuckolding lifestyle, you’re a racist.
- If you were able to read through this without vomiting, congratulations! You’re a racist.