Posted by
Kyria Abrahams
• 05.31.12 11:00 am



One random Friday morning at 10:35AM, a black man texted me pictures of his penis.

The weather was sunny and clear. Suddenly, there were cocks.

Unlike most photos of black dicks texted to me at 10:30 in the morning, I did not request them. I have never met this man, yet we have a connection. I have photos of his black cock. He has my phone number. Once we were strangers. Now we are bound together inexorably through SMS/dong shots.

I think his name is Mukta. Unfortunately, with the numerous misspellings and other forms of onomatopoeia contained in the text, I can’t say for sure. Instead, we shall call him Mukta, however, which is Sanskrit for “liberated from material goods” and “I would misspell my own name if given half a chance.”

Mukta graciously takes a moment to acknowledge that sending pron at 10 in the morning could be considered a social faux pas. “I kno u @ work,” he says. After that, he sends four black dicks without asking permission.

I asked etiquette guru Emily Post (1872-1960) the proper way to text dong shots to a stranger without first double-checking the number. Here is what she had to say:

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use. Also, I’m glad I died before the invention of cell phones.”

You may be asking yourself: “Why it gotta be a BLACK cock, Kyria?”

Why, indeed? Why did it have to be black cock? Four times. At 10:30 in the morning.

This is the first text:

Of all the Fridays to leave my phone at home! I didn’t see this uniquely spelled screed until 10:27PM. This means he waited a full 12 hours to see what I thought of his “slong.” A patient man! Emily Post would approve! (Etiquette tip: Never seem to eager to get feedback on your unannounced penis.)

Now, if I were Rebecca Watson I would have immediately made a YouTube video and screamed about sexism until Richard Dawkins had to step in and tell me to shut my cunty, unkissable mouth. However, I’m a normal woman who understands how the world works. It’s not all about me. So I didn’t make it all about me.

Here is his barely literate response:

First off, you just got this num8a the same day? It’s 10:35AM! Where do you brunch? In a rest stop?

Despite the overall creepiness, I told “M” that it was no problem. No problem, I said! You see that, Rebecca Watson? I looked at the dicks and then I fucking stopped looking at the dicks. And then I quietly let it go. Because that’s how we roll.

Speaking of rolling: let’s rock on over to those cocks!

First pic. Standard-issue Craigslist M4M style. Little bit of HPV going down there. But that’s cool, we all got that. Hell, I got it from my MomMom. No biggie.

Second pic. Very moody. Very Bergman. I think this penis has a Criterion Collection! Look:

Third pic. Oh la la, look at that single-month calendar! Nothing says “responsible man with places to be” like a wall calendar in your uninvited cock pic. I like this fellow already!

Fourth and final pic. Unnecessary, really. Repetitive. And difficult to make out. Everyone wants to fuck a beached manatee, I guess? Mukta needs an editor.

I spent the last three months concerned that Mukta might never find his Dominican lady. She obviously wanted to be texted photos of a ‘bigg slong’ while at work on a Friday morning or she wouldn’t have given him my num8a.

So I did a Google search for Dominican lady to see what I could find.

Dominican lady, if any of the below pictures are of you, please contact me immediately. I have a calendar-owning manatee who wishes to ask for your hand in marriage.

Dominican lady, is that you? Hit me up.

 

—KYRIA ABRAHAMS

 


Comments
  1. Being a matchmaker these days is hard. I say walk up to every Dominican person you see on the street and show them these cocks and say, “DO YOU WANT THIS??”

  2. Anonymous says:

    That angry fat guy is awesome!!!

  3. WELL THIS REMIND ME OF THE TELEVISION SHOW TV ‘DESINGING WOMEN’ WHEN THE CARACHTER ‘BERNIECE’ WOUDL SING HER THE SONG ‘BLACK MAN, BLACK MAN, WHERE ARE YOU NOW???’
    MESHACK TAYLOR? NO, ME JUST A NORMAL GUY LOL.

    BUT ANY WAYS LOL WERE’NT THOSE PICTURES OF THE ‘WOMYN’ PROTESTOR’S UGLY????? LOL, YOU GUY’S SHOUDL GO LOOK AT THEM LATER ON THE BLOG PAGE, CALLED ‘UGLY BITCH OF SOCIETY’S JUSTICE’ ITS FREAKING HILLARIOUSE LOL

  4. Nathan says:

    This is fucking hilarious.

  5. Sarah says:

    I bet Mukta never know his cock would be so famous..

  6. lump says:

    MANATEEEEEE!

  7. Campin with Goat Sampson says:

    Very Bergman. Kudos.

  8. Anonymous says:

    hold on, so you kept these photos on your phone for 3 months? and then just oh, “quitely let it go”

  9. Zippy says:

    “One random Friday morning at 10:35AM, a black man texted me pictures of his penis.”

    Geez, all I get are sales calls that my auto warranty is expiring. :(

  10. zigmundroid says:

    Oh my!

    It looks like a penisaurus slithering across Jabba the Huts afterbirth.

    MAN, that looks weird.

  11. George Elliot says:

    It looks like it’s 3 inches long. Either that, or it’s so thick, it looks short in comparison. Let’s hope it’s the latter.

  12. I found a photo of every anonymous troll who posts negative comments on this site:

    http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/61183163/brokeNCYDE+9779_67431.jpg

  13. Nathan says:

    That picture makes me think of Designing Women.

  14. Double says:

    I don’t know Kyria, those guys look pretty awesome, Id let them crash my birthday, steal my dope and fuck my sister.

  15. pfft says:

    loves it


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