Posted by
John Pittsley
• 12.30.15 12:38 pm


Putting up with bums’ shit might be one of the crappiest things about living in the city. Constantly getting hassled for change on your way to work, or begged for a cigarette while having a smoke outside a bar can be a real pain in the ass. If you have the right attitude, though, they’re not all that bad.

People tend to think ignoring bums is the best way to deal with them but it’s pretty difficult to ignore someone who pisses in your mailbox every morning, or screams at you for letting the demons in their head. What you have to remember is they couldn’t give a shit about themselves or anyone else. And as sad and pathetic as that may be, the sooner you realize it and recognize they’re actually there for your amusement, the quicker you can enjoy their quirky traits and zany eccentricities.

There are all sorts of different types of bums you’ll run into when living in the city. Most of them are alcoholics or drug addicts, some of them are mentally ill cuckoo birds, and others are just plain ol’ fucking lazy. All of these talking bags of garbage are annoying as shit, but they’re each entertaining in their own way. That is, except for the seemingly mentally sane, sober, and lazy black bums, of course.

At first glance, these perfectly sane and able-bodied creatures would seem to be the most tolerable of all the useless city humans. They hardly ever flip out, barely cause a scene, and all appear to be perfectly potty trained. They don’t even seem to be that bad off. It looks like they were on their way to the grocery store one day, spilled some coffee on their sweatpants, and said “Fuck it. I’m just gonna hang out here and see how much change I can get.” That’s what makes them so shitty, they have almost no entertainment value. And that’s all bums are good for, entertainment.

While the booze filled, drug addicted bums are usually responsible for leaving shit presents on your front stoop, they’re great for physical comedy. Seeing a guy fall over his mobile-home of garbage, as if he’s stuck in cement, will make you laugh till you piss your pants like he probably just did. And watching two of them get into a slow motion “fist fight” will brighten your day like nothing else. It’s always satisfying to vicariously let your pent up aggression towards pushy asian women out by seeing a mentally unstable psychopath unleash on one of them collecting cans too. Even sitting back and watching a morbidly obese cyborg scream at everyone to help them with everything is amusing. But it’s the perfectly sane and able-bodied black bums who have next to no comedic or entertainment value. And it’s for this reason that they’re the shittiest type of bum.

The only time they are good for a hoot is when they get into a WorldStarHipHop worthy altercation. And that hardly ever happens because they don’t care enough to get into one. They don’t even care enough to panhandle. They hardly stick out their hand while making no eye contact and mumbling, “spare change.” Sometimes, they won’t even stop the conversation they’re having to ask for a handout. That’s what would make them so frustrating if they weren’t so easy to ignore.

Bums are definitely a fucking hassle to deal with. But it’s their awful attributes that actually make them a worthwhile commodity to city life. Once you take all those things away, they’re just shitty assholes. And those are a pain in the ass.


  1. NiggersYarmulkuh says:

    Lazy ass, shiftless, good for nuttin stink apes are second only to the chosen ones as the least desirable creatures on earth.

  2. OogaBoogasYarmulkuh says:

    You said it! Kikes and golliwogs are both utterly repugnant, although kikes do seem to be aware of the existence of soap. Niggers – not so much. Believe me, I know! It causes me no end of pain to look in the mirror and see the hideous, simian face looking back at me. I wish the hymies would just have left us alone. We have absolutely no idea what the fuck we’re doing in the modern world. *sigh*
    PS: HAPPY KWANZAA EVERYBODY!! May the yams and chitterlings (and hopefully soap and Lysol) be plentiful!!

  3. Adolpho Hittler says:

    Look, I was a pretty easy going guy for years, just painting and writing, but the street damn bums just kept banging on me and banging one me and once I finally had enough!!!, well, the dam sorta burst and it all came rushing out, if you know what I mean.


  4. I'mdRightYourWrong says:

    That nailed it, OogaBoogasYarmulkuh and NiggersYarmulkuh are one and the same douche bag. Damn !!! pretty clever for a Storm Fronter. Probably all the other Booga Oogas are aspects of this frustrated comedian.
    Split bean soup hot diggity dog !!!

  5. OogaBooga says:

    Wow, you’re even starting without me now, eh? I’m impressed. I see that your juvenile conspiracy is to label me a “Stormfronter” and a run of the mill racist.

    In fact, I am championing true conservativism, which is championed by true conservatives from Pat Buchanan to Ron Paul to Taki to countless current and former members of U.S. intelligence and military, including the brave patriots who recently defied Obama’s insane plan to act as a Neocon lackey in Syria. This was revealed by the good work of our most respected investigative journalist, S. Hersh. A good man. And a Jew.

  6. Pilgrims Progress says:

    I reward creative “bums”. It’s amazing what you can get an alcoholic to do for a six-pack. I asked one to moon rush hour traffic for a whole minute. He got his reward.
    Is there any relief from the Ooga mantra. I think I got it. Neo-con bad, True Conservative good. Pollard bad, Hersh good. Zion bad, Palestine good.
    Ok did I get a passing grade?

  7. OogaBooga says:

    I detect sarcasm. What you are actually saying is Pollard good.

    I rest my case. Traitor.

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