Posted by
Donna Deliva
• 02.09.09 01:36 pm


The general consensus among my girlfriends seems to be, “Fuck having kids til you’re about 40. I need to focus on my career and if my ovaries are dried up by then, good. There’s too many people in the world. I’ll adopt a Third World one

The general consensus among my girlfriends seems to be, “Fuck having kids til you’re about 40. I need to focus on my career and if my ovaries are dried up by then, good. There’s too many people in the world. I’ll adopt a Third World one if I REALLY desperately need one.” Though they all inevitably change their minds, this is how every girl my age thinks. The truth usually sinks in around 35 when it’s basically too late. This happened to my sister and just about every woman I work with (though few would admit it) and it would’ve happened to me if my cousin didn’t give me “The Talk” a few years ago. The talk happens to every woman in our family and when you’re young it sounds like the weirdest, most evangelical bullshit in the world. Then you talk to a doctor and go, “Oh shit!” I’m 29 now and I’m pretty sure I got the right guy. I just said “yes” to his proposal and feel really good about it. I’m not trying to say I’m better than you or “ha ha” Simpsons steez or anything. Just explaining who I am because it’s relevant. Also, my motive is not to shit on your life but to save you from a lot of horrible bullshit I watched my sister go through.


(These are the notes my cousin Ally made as she was giving me “The Talk.” I printed out this pic and framed it)

So let’s go back a step. To the beginning of The Talk. First of all, why do you think we’re here? Why do you think cave people ran from saber-toothed tigers? Why do you think millions dropped dead from the plague? Why do you think curfews went from 9PM fifty years ago to the midnight of these days? It’s because we keep improving. Millions of people died so you could get here and you’re going to be a blip in the memory of your great grandson XM-438 (that’s what they’ll call themselves then). So it’s time to get over yourself and join the gang. Why? Because you want to that’s why. Enough with the “I can barely take care of myself” bullshit excuses. If you’re nearing 30 you better be nearing baby. (I can’t believe I’m saying this either but that’s how The Talk starts off. It’s like boot camp. Besides, what’s your date? 40? That’s a- too late and b- no fun).

This is what most of us are led to believe:
14-40 Eggs are perfectly fertile. Anyone can have a baby at that time because I saw tons of old ladies in the newspaper having kids after 40. A woman should get her career in place in her 30s then think about a family after that’s settled at 40.

Sounds cool and everything but it’s not true.

Kids after 35 are the EXCEPTION to the rule. Got it? Exception. Some people can hold their breath for 20 minutes. You can’t. That’s a fact.

Here’s the truth:
14- 30 Eggs are perfectly fertile.
30-35 Things start to deteriorate.
35+ having a kid is rare. In fact, if you go to a maternity ward the post 35 moms are kept in an area called “Geriatric Mothers” (no joke). This seems like a small deal at first. You’re only 5 years off the actual truth, but 5 years is a long time. Making babies after the gates are shut is a fucking nightmare that costs tens of thousands of dollars. It’s also weird. You know how fertility drugs make babies? You encourage your body to make octuplets and usually 7 or 8 die. If you’re under 35 and there’s anything left in there at all, odds are good you’ll get at least one baby out of it one of the times. Maybe. It also hurts like a bitch and is such an emotional merry-go-round, your relationship probably won’t survive it. Adoption is no walk in the park either but I think, if everyone was honest with themselves, they’d admit they already knew that.

So, this new reality check schedule has brought up some important rules you need to follow if you don’t want to be miserable for the rest of your life. Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.



BEWARE OF GAYS

Gay men are a fucking blast to hang out with and they making being a slut feel cool but they have no deadline with their party phase so if you don’t check your watch regularly, you’ll notice you went from Spring Chicken to Old Maid overnight. Start taking it easy on the gay life after 25 and if all your friends are still gay when you’re 30, it’s time to accept the fact that you will be lonely forever.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF NEW YORK
Have you ever listened to a guy on a date in New York? All he does is talk about himself and his job and occasionally, his family. The female just sits there and takes it because in a city where there’s 3 hot chicks for every bald guy, she’s lucky to have anyone at all.
New York men are not ready to marry until their mid to late 40s and they’d like to do it with a twenty-something, not you. So, if you’re in New York in your late 20s and you’re still manless, get the fuck outta Dodge.

HOW TO GET A MAN
Lots of my girlfriends complain about how lonely they are but when I see their M.O. around guys I’m not surprised. Getting guys is easy. If you are around during last call and you’re wearing heels, you can have whoever you want. Once you get a guy the rule is: Contact him exactly 50% as much as he contacts you. No matter what. For example, if he sends you a text, you can’t respond until he sends at least one more.

STOP WATCHING “SEX & THE CITY”
Anyone who’s happily married with kids sees this show as a really dark, art film. It is so fucking depressing it makes “The Time That Kills” seem like “High School Musical” (I made up that first movie but you get the idea). You can pretend post-30 New Yorkers with careers are empowered and “grabbing life by the balls” but go talk to them. You can’t. They’re talking about guys so much you can’t get a word in edgewise. They are LONELY. This show is about desperate cougars with no future, not “kick ass bitches with tons of great shoes.” The fact that I fucking love this show is none of your business. Do as I say not as I do.

BE ON YOUR GUARD IN YOUR LATE 20s
Let’s go back to the chart. The hourglass turns upside down at 30. If you get one in at 34, you’re probably not going to have another. If you are happily married at 30 you are most likely going to get 2 in but know that you JUST made it under the wire. That means you have to stop fucking around and start to care who you’re fucking right after 25. If you meet The One at 25 and realize he isn’t at 28 that leaves you one year to recover and only another year to find the actual Mr. Right.
I’ve always said guys dating a 27 year old and dumping her at 30 should be illegal. That’s a pretty harsh thing to do to a woman right? But nobody ever gets shit for it. This girl’s now going to take a year to recover and a year to find a new guy (at best) and now she’s 32. She’d be lucky to squeeze one in. Get it? That previous cocksucker strung her along because he was too lazy to dump her and he inadvertently dried up all her eggs. He took people out of the equation. He basically killed her children. Whoa, dial it back a bit, me.

When my sister was told she was past the point of no return and would probably never have kids, she was outraged. She couldn’t believe the audacity of the doctor. How dare he say such and old-fashioned and sexist thing. I agreed with her at the time because I was a kid but eventually I realized, wait, he’s just stating a biological fact. Now she’s single and babyless and no matter what Carrie Bradshaw says, she’s really unhappy. I know you think you’re special and not like the 6 billion other of us and I thought that too but you’re not. We’re not. Only about 7% of married couples don’t have kids. They are weirdos. Way weirder than you. The truth is, you are heading to an hourglass you don’t want to have to be staring at so, I guess what I’m saying is, get on it ladies. I’m not saying: BE LIKE ME. I’m saying: DON’T BE MISERABLE LIKE MY SISTER. You do want kids and you want to be set up 100% by 30. I promise.


Comments
  1. nip says:

    just for the record : 35 is absolutely NOT too late.

  2. Donna Deliva says:

    I knew this would be the first comment. No it is not too late for ALL women but it is too late for THE VAST MAJORITY of women. Stop focusing on exceptions because you think it’s empowering. All you’re doing is lying and depriving a lot of woman a happy future. There is so much bullshit propaganda out there about babies after 35 and all it’s doing is hurting us.
    This is the same bullshit machine that says having a lot of abortions doesn’t hurt your system. It does. More than three and you are drastically increasing the risks of a Down’s baby. It’s actually the same kind of thinking that says it’s OK to be really fat. It’s unhealthy. Stick to biological facts and keep your bullshit out of my vagina.

  3. escher says:

    gah, you just gave me a panic attack.

  4. easy for me to say 'cos i'm a male but says:

    i don’t know if you know this,but you don’t HAVE to have a baby.

  5. only the lonley says:

    Also, the older you get the more likely your kid will turn out to be autistic or have terrible ADD. Look at the school systems of SF and the rich areas of NYC, there’s an epidemic or special needs kids born to rich old white women. The best kids are born to young mothers. Young mommas got the good eggs. I don’t know why the Fem movement tries to tell women it cool to have kids at 40??? It’s creating a class of rich white kids in urban areas that are physically and mentally weak. Way to go PC movement. Go young or don’t go at all.

  6. srsly says:

    yeah you don’t have to have a baby…to be honest babies are NOT sexy
    and women getting their vaginas ripped tyo fuck is definitely not sexy either.

  7. nip says:

    not to get too dramatic here, but I know a 28 year old girl who almost died recently because they tried to deliver a baby sooner than expected.

    she is still in a deeeep coma and we don’t know if she’ll ever wake up. rare case but… you know shit happens at any age.

    I also happen to know several women who had perfectly working children between the age of 37 and 41 years old.

    ps : I really do not want to do anything with your vagina donna.

  8. man says:

    who gives a shit if a baby is “sexy” or not? they’re fucking rad and you get to have someone carry on your weird philosophy and, if you’re lucky, improve it.

  9. ernie says:

    nip, you’re a fucking moron. There’s exceptions to everything, but there’s no denying that the healthiest babies are born to young moms. Please, shut the fuck up. You’re not a doctor and you can’t argue against evolution.

  10. agreed says:

    I want more donna deliva posts

  11. agreed says:

    A babe holding a….babe?

  12. nip@ernie says:

    who argued against evolution ?
    healthiest babies ? what are you talking about ?
    are you a doctor ? I’m not talking about exceptions.
    you seem so well informed! and so clever, it’s been really nice talking to you!

  13. bob barker says:

    jesus christ, i would rather lose a lot than have a kid.

    i see nothing good coming with kids.

    nothing is beautiful about them.

    in fact i am pissed off as im typing this.

    i am a guy. i am 29 year old guy.

    i do not want kids.

    kids are for people that have seen the world

  14. only the lonley says:

    Oh my god, shut the fuck up with this hysterical bullshit! You are freaking me the fuck out.

  15. Be quiet says:

    Blah blah blah, this is why guys hate it when women talk – everything is a fucking dissertation.

  16. Sarah O Sarah says:

    I’ve seen this before and thought it was bullshit but my Dr confirmed it. He says he doesn’t usually get into it unless people ask because they get so mad but 30 is when things start to get complicated. He also said it’s very difficult after 35.

  17. Seven Percenter says:

    I’m 37, wife is 36. We’ve been married 8 years, with no kids. I’m getting a vasectomy this year so she can go off the pill once and for all. Kids can ram it.

  18. man says:

    be quiet-

    i sort of agree with you but i’m also curious: do you know you’re a stupid person or this something you haven’t figured out about yourself yet?

  19. another man says:

    ya i agree. im not planning on havin kids until im about 30 but my wife will (hopefully) be younger. cant wait for that chapter of my life it will be a good one.

  20. yeah and says:

    should we expect the “sbtc guide to picking up dicks” post today or tomorrow? read as donna and gavin give the straight talk answers to getting marriaged and babied.

  21. imyar says:

    i feel like i am too self-centered to have a kid, but also feel obligated to have one, all i know is my dad’s siblings never had kids and you can tell they fully fucking regret it, lonely bitter sods.

  22. some kinda guy says:

    nyaaah, this makes me feel really lucky that my grandma managed to squirt out my mom when she was 42 in the 50s, or I’d be a sperm down a toilet

  23. RD says:

    if you stick your finger in the soft spot of a baby’s head you can carry a bunch of them around kind of like a six pack of beer.

  24. luxirare says:

    this post is very honest- which is nice. but also really depressing. Not all men are jerks. You make women seem so pathetic and creepy and clingy in this post. You map out a formula but unfortunately life isn’t as a predictable.

  25. holyshit says:

    it looks like that baby is going to be sacrificed to his beard

  26. @RD says:

    i love you, let’s get dirty

  27. Donna Deliva says:

    If you are one of the 7%ers, great. Enjoy. My problem is with the 20% that think they’re part of the 7% but realize it at 35 and spend thousands of dollars and many painful years trying to turn back time. It’s something really terrible that could be easily avoided. I’m just saying: Check your watch. 30-35 is a big deal.

  28. Ruby says:

    my mother was 44 when i was born… no drugs no nothing, first time. I think the most important part that’s not mentioned is $$$$$$$. Babies are expensive…so what does mr. right have to entail? Money or personality…I don’t think you can get it all…

  29. ew man group says:

    ADOPT BLACK BABIES YOU SICK RACIST FUCKS!!!THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE ALREADY!!plus black babies are the cutest. Here is the baby cute hierarchy :

    1. black
    2. mexican/indian/dark arab
    3. chinese/eskimo
    4. white

  30. FGGT says:

    awww shiit!!

    who wants this jizz? who wants it?

    this is the bane of feminist existence. bahaha.

  31. Donna Deliva says:

    1- Please stop telling me about a woman who had a kid at 42. There are plenty of those. It’s called: ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE. We’re talking about 3 billion people here and the VAST MOTHERFUCKING MAJORITY wind down from 30 – 35.
    2- Adopting does not do shit to the world’s population. Do you honestly think we could ever take the edge of China’s 1 billion extra people? Try taking 10 rabbits out of the forest and counting how many rabbits there are in a year.
    It’s worth noting that both these stupid mistakes come from people simply not understanding mathematics anymore. Thanks New Math.

  32. kat says:

    man, reading this post got me all panicky. i love babies! i don’t want to miss my chance to have babies!
    but then i remembered that i just turned 20.
    yesssssss, another decade of time to be ambitious and stupid.

  33. Loomis says:

    @ kat
    according to the chart, you should be partying right now.

  34. RNR says:

    I agree with much of what you said and you’re right about older women and kids, but I think the 7% figure is misleading. That only represents married people, not everyone.

    “19 percent of women in their early 40s are childless. That’s up from 9.5 percent 26 years ago.” -US census and pew research

    And I don’t feel that child are needed for a more fulfilled life, but that’s not something we can debate in terms of numbers really.

  35. Annette says:

    I love how people pay zillions of dollars to do IVF because they “can’t love” a kid that’s not “their own,” but then call people with no kids “selfish.” Um, what?

  36. the other sarah 0 says:

    I’d love to push my clock up another 4 years to 35 and then cut my fucking uterus out. You guys can have all the fun you want wiping shitty asses and cleaning puke and looking around humiliated while your six year old writhes on the Safeway floor screaming its face off cause OH MY GOD IT’S SO WORTH IT WHEN THEY SMILE AT ME. Why not ask a bunch of tired-ass late 40s how thankful their teenagers are and how much they’re looking forward to shipping the next gen off to community college dorms (until two years down the road when half of them come back with no job and a heroin addiction). Go on, fools, breed yourselves silly. Champagne?

  37. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL I COULD’NT BE HAPPIER WITH THE “STREET BONERS” POSTINGS TODAY BECASUE IT REALLY GOES TO SHOW THAT TODAYS’ GENERATION IS TIRED OF ALL THE FEMINAZI “AL GORE” AND “EARTH TONES” B.S. THAT THE BABY BOOMERS AND THERE ATTATCHE’S IN THE LIBERAL MEDIA ARE SHOVEING DOWN ARE THROAT DAY AFTER DAY AND IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THE VALUE OF THE MESSAGE BY THAT FACT TAHT THE LIBS ENRAGED RESPONSES LOL.

    WELL AND ALL SO REMEMBER POEPLE IF YOU DO’NT HAVE A BABY THE ISLAMOFACHISTS ARE GOING TO NOT STOP HAVING THE BABIES SO YOU SHOULD KEEP HAVING BABIES TO COMMEMORATE THE EUROPEAN VALUES LIKE DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM THAT YOU LIKE SO MUCH, I MEAN WE PRACTICLY INVENTED THE IPOD HERE?!?!?!

  38. imyar says:

    on somewhat of a diff note, do you know anything about IUDs and when taken out is a risk there for a down’s kid?

  39. Gil says:

    The west will fall to the third world for sure. The sun is setting on the civilized world and the long, dark (no pun intended) Muslim night is beginning. Everything liberals fear most will come home to roost as our traditions fade away and our cities crumble.

    Thanks a lot cultural studies.

  40. tweedledee says:

    i’m a 35 yr. old woman and i wish i my chances of getting pregnant had dropped as radically as listed above. i have ZERO desire to have children. they reek of DEBT and could make the dalai lama an impatient negative man. i use birth control. i practice safe safe safe sex and i still got pregnant this year. i’m thankful for the right to choose and i would gladly give my powers of pregnancy to some unlucky lady. are other women that hyped on children? especially readers of this blog? why? too much spare time to fill?

  41. ew man group says:

    @ Donna Deliva
    Fucktard, of course just ONE person adopting instead of cranking one out won’t make much of a difference. So yeah, the 2.5 kids you add to the won’t really make that much of an impact. But then who’s job is it to not reproduce? That’s like pouring mercury into a lake. Just one person doing it won’t make a big difference. the problem is the average iq is about 100 so if one person sees some doing something and figures its ok, thy’re going to pour some mercury in the lake too. Before you know it , the world’s a fucking toxic waste dump because mongoloid ass-wipes like you think they’re exempt from consequences. Good think your fucking old and your ovaries are dried up, the last thing i want to deal with is your dimwitted descendants running around.

  42. tweedledee says:

    thank you the other sarah 0!

  43. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL GIL YOU ARE RIGHT. THE ISLAMOFACHITS FROM NICAURAUGA TO CAMBODIA TO ETHIPOIA ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER. THANKS ALOT LIBERALS WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO “CELEBRATE DIVERSITY” ONCE THEY TAKE OVER

  44. If god were real I’d thank him daily for giving me that Y chromosome. Then I’d thank him for 22 year old girls. Then I’d punch him in the dick for making mealy apples, hangovers and bad coffee.

  45. Gil says:

    It won’t be a take-over as much as a handing over. Western nations are victims of the multiple liberal degenerative diseases of laziness, nihilism, socialism (soon comming to America) and sexual “freedom”. All of these conditions feed on each other and have reached the terminal phase. No cultural confidence equals no babies. Why have babies if nothing maters? It’s like the ultimate “whatever”. We deserve it. Obama or not.

  46. dirtynickels says:

    i know a 32 year old who is having a helluva time. they just can’t make it stick.

    “If you think you’re gonna graduate from college and be a graphic designer, then meet Mr. Right at 30 and have beautiful babies, you’re fucked. Your eggs are shit after 30.”
    –(a rough paraphrase of Gavin from a couple hundred issues ago).

  47. ew man group says:

    hey, Gil, take it over to stormfront.

  48. Gil says:

    Ew man. Didn’t you read the part where I said “we deserve it”. I meant that. So, I am no supremist ( i’m assuming that is what Stormfront is ). I’m simply pointing out what demographics can easily prove.

    By the way, nice use of the old call-people-who-say-stuff-I-don’t-like-a-Nazi response. Was it the Obama thing?

  49. speak braille says:

    can you have ally make me a chart too? the prime times available for looking at porn in my house without getting caught? im a visual learner and the hourglasses look wonderful.

  50. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL POO MAN WHEN WE ARE UP TO ARE NECKS IN SALVADORAN MUSLIMS FROM GUADAMALA DON’T SAY GIL DIDN’T TELL THEM SO

  51. Gil says:

    J.A.N.G. Oh, you are funny! Yeah, I get it. Anyone who questions diversity is a rube and thinks all people who are not lilly white are the same. You are so enlightened.

    I got news for ya. I’m half NATIVE AMERICAN. Or, First Nations as you crackers like to say. And I bet you ARE a cracker.

  52. pubert says:

    damn, I waited til the afternoon to look at the street carnage and now my comment is buried way down here where nobody reads anymore. oh well, here’s my two cents.
    Babies are fucking stupid and people that have babies are fucking stupid. All my friends that have kids (they’re all 34 or older) totally resent their kids and tell me never to have them. The only people with kids I know that DO like their kids are soulless robots. Do whatever you want, but in 16 years when your little piece of shit has completely eaten your dreams and runs away from home and tells you he hates you, you’ll remember this day and wish you hadn’t done it.

  53. Gil says:

    On the other hand. I don’t have kids and probably won’t. So, pubert has a point too.

    Shit, ALL cultures are fucked these days anyway. You know what? FUCK BABIES!

  54. Loomis says:

    So this girl is saying eggs dwindle from 30 to 35. What are her critics saying? That it’s just as easy for a 32 year old to have a baby as it is for a 38 year old? Or that kids are bullshit anyways. If it’s the latter, I am officially depressed.

  55. Peter says:

    I hate you for posting this crap.

  56. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    Jesus Christ, this comment section is a fucking parade of insecurity. What’s with all the vitriol? All she did was point out an obvious fact. Ya done protested too much.

  57. Whatever says:

    Babies. Never. Creepy lil’ fuckers.

  58. Michael says:

    This is only tangentially related, but important nonetheless. If you’re serious about having kids and already with a guy you’re serious about having kids with, it is time to also…

    A.) give up the booze, blow and staying out ’til dawn every weekend. At thirty that shit will wreak havoc on your ovaries if it hasn’t already.

    …and…

    B.) Sever all contact with absolutely anybody you used to fuck. No email, no phone calls, no hanging out whenever they might be passing through town – nothing. It doesn’t matter how good of friends you think they are; pretend they don’t even exist.

  59. Michael says:

    white western folk should just have another huge baby boom like before and everyone just have like 10 kids for the good of the colony. then we can take over the world again and not have to worry anymore. i dont like immigrants coming here anyways.

  60. fuck kids says:

    What does David Cross think of this post? Come on, you guys are always bragging about how he’s your best friend and shit. Call him up and ask him.

  61. Please god no says:

    @ imyar

    Please don’t have children. You are horrible. Awful. The worst. I cannot even imagine how fucking shitty your kids would be.

  62. a tiny fetus says:

    It is worth pointing out that the risks of birth defects, autism, schizophrenia, downs syndrome, etc. etc. are also increased with fathers aged 35+ (though it appears the window is a little wider, with most abnormalities hitting sperm after 40).

  63. todd says:

    “if he sends you a text, you can’t respond until he sends at least one more”

    why would i go out of my way to contact someone who didn’t even respond the first time? i’d prolly think she hates me. like she just gave me her number to get me away from her. y’know?

    also, young moms are way more fun to have. case closed.

  64. babypoop says:

    but who cares if some baby carries on your stupid ideas, it really doesnt matter in the long or short term. however, if you don’t have siblings who will have babies and kiss your ass when you get old cause they want to inherit all your money, then i say the lonely issue is definitely a good reason to pop out at least one.

  65. Harvey K-Tel says:

    In this post, Donna Deliva is being more Republican than she realizes, and its not because she’s advocating family values like getting married, having kids, quitting your job, and (maybe) getting it back again.

    She is being republican because, with the exception of the Bush’s preemptive military regime, Republicans are notorious for waiting until a problem has manifested itself rather than preventing it to begin with. A great example is our current economy.

    The real problem here isn’t women waiting too long to have kids. The real problem is women being raised with impractical liberal ideals (which are perpetuated right here in this post). Women who think they might ever want a family should not be encouraged to party and be slutty in any phase of their youth. Not for the obvious reasons, but because this type of behavior just encourages women to have non-realistic expectations of the men they will encounter in their lives (see the Cathy comic in Aviva’s recent post). While women are out getting wasted and sleeping around, they are also being bombarded by the fictional happy endings that pervade the media. Women swallow up these fantasies all too easily.

    Meanwhile, rather than working to make relationships work while they are young, and hence forming stronger, longer lasting bonds with their lovers, which takes time, women are dating, but thinking they deserve more from their partner than is realistic. A woman left to ruminate over this sort of thing is a woman that ends up single again.

    I’m not suggesting that women – or anyone – should settle for less than they think they deserve. I’m saying that women (and men) shouldn’t move that fast to begin with. Sex is inherently confusing, and when it comes to matters of the heart, women are easily confused. Get to know someone *well* before you put out for them. Become good friends over a period of months, not days or weeks. Let your friendship develop into an attraction, which not only makes for hotter sex (especially since its slightly forbidden at first), but also for greater appreciation of your partner. If you need a sexual outlet in the meantime, wank it. Its not the same as a human, but that’s part of the tradeoff. Not everyone can have it all. In fact, like with work and most other things in life, you have to make compromises.

    Another part of the problem is the fact that the mentality behind all those divorce statistics that we’re surrounded with has trickled down to single life. Sure, some people need to be divorced. But often, some people are just too lazy to figure out their problems. Young, single people are no different. Learn about yourself before you go throwing yourself into a thicket of sex, emotions, compromise, and raising other human beings. And if you find someone you like, but there are things you don’t like about them, trying talking about it. Work through it. Don’t be wishy washy or cowardly or resentful. Try to make it work.

    One tennet of Feminist thought is correct in a major way: after 2000 years of predominantly patriarchial development Western civilization, the structures of the world we live in are heavily slanted towards male domination. It is commonly accepted that men and women think differently: men think linearly, and women holistically. Thus, women are not equally equipped to navigate the world the fast paced world that men have set forth. The holistic approach to thought considers problems from all angles, and more intuitively than the more dispassionate nature of linear thought. It also requires more deliberation. Historically, with the rise of the middle class, it became more apparent that a woman left idle, with too much time on her hands to ruminate on fantasies and possibilities, was more likely to create imaginary problems for herself that otherwise might not have any real chance of coming to pass. This is why books like the Awakening and Madame Bovary started showing up when they did.

    Just like there is 2000 years of man made society at the root of our present society, there are hundreds of thousands years of animal life at the root of our humanity. Monogamous pair bonding in nature is the exception to the rule, and thus likely to be contrary to our true nature in terms of evolution. In a more or less sexually liberal society like ours, its very easy for women to be as promiscuous as men, should they so desire. However, when the time constraints required of healthy procreation clashes with the psychological conflicts created by our animal nature, even more time is lost which could otherwise be dedicated to healthy child-rearing.

    This is the basis of the problems of the modern woman in singledom and child-rearing: a woman who explores her animal nature will inevitably waste time both in the process as well as in the resulting confusion. The human reproductive timeframe is generally just not long enough to accommodate a young woman’s slut phase and the emotional baggage left in its wake.

    Of course, a woman who chooses to be more indulgent could always answer the vocation of prostitution. This sounds crazy, but isn’t, given the history of prostitution (“the oldest profession” blah blah). Just like some sociologists will tell you gossip and crime serve a valid function in a healthy society, the world needs prostitutes, courtesans, Storyvilles, and so on, as a method of social control, for both men and women. Moreover, in terms of lifestyle, a well policed sex industry in a more chaste society wouldn’t be a bad living, as women would have more leverage in choosing clients, as well as a higher income than they currently do at whatever stupid job they have now.

    Long story short: if a woman is interested in having a husband and kids, she should not be encouraged to party or be slutty, unless she is interested in becoming a prostitute for a living. This sounds like a joke, but its not. Discourage feminine flightiness early, and increase a woman’s chances of having a mentally and emotionally mature relationship, built on a sturdy foundation of self-awareness and shared history with your partner. Incidentally, this is also the best setting in which to raise a child, which is what all this is about anyway, right?

    The even shorter version is this: if you want normal things like a family, be normal. I guarantee you if you look at your stable married friends with kids, chances are, they’re pretty tame. They probably weren’t too flighty or indulgent when they were younger, and you might even think they settled (or were manipulated into marriage and parenthood), and that you wouldn’t have chosen the person they did. You know why? Because they’re probably more normal than you. And guess what? Start getting used to being normal, because the structural dynamics of child-rearing are so limiting, that you will find yourself being more and more conventional, whether or not you consciously decide to.

    Unless you’re rich, of course. But isn’t that always the way?

  66. ??? says:

    I’m 30.. almost 31 and am REALLY feeling the pressure to get on with the baby makin’. I have a good job, a good guy, we’re not married, but that’s not a huge priority… Anyway, i just wanted to share some of my research to up the odds of having twins, thereby allowing us 30-35 year olds to have more than 2 kids or better yet (in my case) squeezing 2 out at the same time and getting it over with! SO…. apparently there’s a village in Africa whose women have twins at abnormally high rates and this has been attributed to a root vegetable common in their diet which triggers hyper-ovulation. The vegetable is a close relative of the yam/sweet potato. Eating dairy is also supposed to improve your odds of twins. Not sure why, it’s just what i read on the internet, so it must be true. I’m going eat yams and drink milk for the next few months. I’ll let you know how it works out. Wish me luck.

  67. ??? says:

    Harvey K-Tel: Good god man! That is too long.

  68. haha says:

    i’m 19

    still in the drunk slut phase. it rules.

  69. contused says:

    this is the exact opposite of what i wanted to read today. yr probably right with all yr crazy baby talk and all but jesus christ motherfucker damnit if this is not a snoooze and a bit of a downer.

  70. yo says:

    me too. neva wanna grow up.

  71. wowza says:

    Yikes I haven’t seen this many comments since Lily Allen showed her ass. I didn’t think this many SBTC readers had such passionate emotions. Here’s what everyone should do: get married in your 20’s, stay fat in your 30s but still work out–(this is key, learn why later), have a few kids, then in your late 30s, divorce–(stay with me on this), then lose weight,(your skin will still be taut and no wrinkles cuz you kept the fat for 15 years as insulation) be thin and hot and toned still, find a 30 year old man and keep him in your spell with your advanced knowledge of sex, (trust me, when you’re older you are hornier than you have ever been, and it helps if you don’t have to bone the same guy for 15 years–“low libido” is bullshit, it’s the dude, dude!) and all your friends will be jealous, you get to do a younger man, you have cute kids who are beginning to be fun, and you get to date and have sex and have new adventures with anyone you want. Yes, I do have it all.

  72. Bored says:

    @Harvey K-Tel

    Maybe you’re stuck thinking women have unrealistic expectations of you because you’re a long-winded cocknose.

    I already want to dump you.

  73. Loomis says:

    Stop calling it SBTC it’s SBTVC as in sbtvc.com

  74. Sanka says:

    I’d like to thank everyone for a hilarious, thought provoking, interesting discussion on an important subject.

  75. bj says:

    this is an absolutely great post and everyone who disagrees does not know what is going on.

    no amount of “forty is the new thirty” bullshit is going to change the biological facts.

    grow up, ourselves.

    (as soon as i find one i like im going to knock it up, definately)

    also, if i dont find one i like and dont make babies im going to make some beautiful piece of art and then kill myself. (no homo)

    its the same thing really.

  76. Tom Bom, jolly Tom says:

    How long is my sperm count good for? (Male)

  77. Splooge says:

    I’m a 38-year-old, married, childless guy who has no plans of procreating. I usually think other people’s kids are neat and adorable, until they aren’t, at which point I get to direct them back to their parent(s) and/or leave. Mostly I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. And that small part of me that sometimes questions my decision to forgo baby-making is easily silenced by things like hassle-free, spur-of-the-moment jaunts to the movies and/or a good night’s sleep, things that my breeding friends would consider to be the equivalent of finding a suitcase full of money.

    Besides, you know, we humans just aren’t that fucking great. If there’s less of us or, ultimately, none of us, the universe will carry on just fine, I assure you.

  78. Ninja says:

    First off, I think that the dickhead men should STFU. Doesn’t concern them. Harvey K-Tel: too long, misogynistic of a reply. If women want to be liberal, good. Us women who DO actually have a child will no longer have a life after the baby (I am living proof of this), whilst the man will carry on as if nothing has changed…we NEED to act like liberal sluts and have fun to get it out of out system as it won’t happen after a baby.

    Second, pregnancy is hell. I was 34 when I got pg, and because I would be 35 when baby was born, I had to have all of these invasive/painful tests to make sure the baby was healthy (she was). My husband and I agreed that if there was a defect, we would abort. It’s horrid, but I have an autistic cousin who is 27 and has never had a real life and never will. He’s lucky he can take the bus by himself…what kind of life is that? Add to the fact that having a baby strains your relationship 100% (we nearly got a divorce before she was one, and we had a blissfully happy and active relationship beforehand. Now once a month is a happy surprise!).

    Third: I agree with everything Donna said. And I am lucky that I most likely will not get pregnant again, and that we have a healthy child all around. My husband wants another one, but I have put my foot down. No go.

  79. Two kids starting at 37 says:

    Hey All…

    Sorry white girls, you are comparatively infertile. This post isn’t true for Hispanic and Indian women. My Indian wife had our two boys at 38 and 40. It took us a month or two with no help. The third world is very fertile. Yes, she’s a Doctor, and healthy, but….

    Also, she met me–a successful attorney–when she was 36. Life is what you make it.

  80. @Bored says:

    I’m actually not long winded at all in person, and I’ve probably fucked you already anyway (you weren’t good enough to date because you have a bad attitude and need to lose about 15 pounds).

    In any case, I was only repeating things that many women say once they reach their late 20s, namely that they curse the feminist movement for making unemployed pussies out of men.

    Fortunately, I am gainfully employed, good looking, well read and well spoken, and have a beautiful girlfriend (2 years now) who couldn’t wait for my airplane to land tonight. Gotta go, she’s waiting for me right now.

    Peace out, Bored.

  81. Emily H. says:

    The most truth-bomb part of this is “get the fuck out of New York.” Wash. D.C. is just as bad & the other northeastern cities probably are too. There are WAY too many beautiful women for every passable man. The women all think they have to move there b/c that’s where all the careers are, the guys are all like “I never want to settle down, I’m having so much fun being single!”

    I’m not really feelin’ the rest of this dating advice though. If a guy sends you a txt mssg & you don’t answer, he’s just going to think you’re blowing him off. Guys can be *very* fearful of rejection. Also, good luck obeying this post’s contradictory imperatives to “take it easy on the partying,” not seem like “a slut,” but also hang around bars at closing time wearing high heels all the time to meet men. ZOMG, unrealistic normative phallogocentric patriarchal expectations strike again!

  82. Emily H. says:

    P.S., I thought everyone already knew Sex & the City is depressing, but “art film”?! Hasn’t the pure well of the Western art tradition been sullied enough?

  83. wowza says:

    @Loomis: Thanks for the redirect, asshole.

  84. carrotbotttom says:

    i am seriously about to end my relationship after reading this. fuck.

  85. boij says:

    holy fuck, thats a lot of posts for this website. must be an important topic eh?

    also, this is good:

    # Michael Says:
    02.09.09 at 5:49 pm

    B.) Sever all contact with absolutely anybody you used to fuck. No email, no phone calls, no hanging out whenever they might be passing through town – nothing. It doesn’t matter how good of friends you think they are; pretend they don’t even exist.

    reminds me of another magazine where they said, in a relationship, men cant have any female friends above a 7, and women arent allowed to have any male friends at all. sad but true.
    like billy crystal said when he wanted to fuck meg ryan but couldnt because there was tv cameras around everywhere, “sex always gets in the way of male / female friendships”. always.
    nature of the beast.

  86. calm down lady,

    actually she’s part right and part wrong.

    35 is a big year , but technically your odds of infertility don’t dip under 50% until AFTER FORTY. ( Note: this is not anecdotal evidence, folks. it’s people that do this shit for a living )

    http://www.babycentre.co.uk/preconception/activelytrying/ageandfertility/

    p.s. all the talk of down’s syndrome and flipper babies needs to chill. the stats people cite DEPEND ON HOW LONG YOU’VE BEEN PREGNANT.

    http://www.babycenter.com/404_what-are-the-risks-of-having-a-baby-if-im-35-or-older_3127.bc

    “a 35-year-old woman has a 1 in 250 chance of carrying a baby with Down syndrome at 12 weeks gestation. But the odds go down to 1 in 300 at 20 weeks — which is about when you might have amniocentesis — and to 1 in 356 at 40 weeks.”

  87. idk says:

    This article made me realise that street boner readers are old

  88. nip says:

    @idk : donna deliva is old. and wrong too, but that’s a different matter.

    bj : why do you suck so hard?

  89. Doctor G. says:

    wow that diagram looks just like it came out of Sex and the City. In fact, this entire article pretty much sums up what one might “learn” from the show. Look, girlfriend, just because your sister didn’t get what she wanted and is now sad and lonely does not mean shit. And yes i know new wave feminism is fucking annoying and this is your way of trying to stir up some shit as a form of backlash, but honestly back the fuck off with your SATC diagram and stop giving the poor hipster sluts panic attacks.

    It boils down to this: if you’re smart enough you will know when to have your fucking baby, or not have it at all. In fact it does not matter what your bio clock is saying, because if you are not financially secure and responsible enough, don’t rip your vag trying to pop out a a turd you won’t be able to take care of.

    oh and P.S. When did everyone become so afraid of being alone? Chill the fuck out and spend some quality time with yourself. Maybe people wouldn’t be so goddamn stupid if they spent more time alone as opposed to with other people, listening to their opinions and stealing their ideas.

  90. vegan jules says:

    I will fuck anyone/anything.

  91. Jakobi says:

    I think the most important thing that didn’t get mentioned is:

    OLD PARENTS SUCK!

    Totally suck.

    If you are more than 32 years older than your kid, it’s fucking grose and weird and you end up being like Tom Bosley on Happy Days, not understanding shit about your kids.

  92. Splooge says:

    lemon burger?

  93. Splooge says:

    dumb twat. all my friends who have kids had them mid thirties. stop freaking people out and work out your own twisted shit. not anecdotal evidence- ALL OF THEM. sorry about your sister, but shut up.

  94. nip says:

    thank you splooge

  95. haze says:

    I got some good healthy sperm. Any of you ladies want to pop out some kids, hit me up. My boys are mad strong and ready swim.

  96. Sploink says:

    Is it bad to think Downie kids are really cute?

  97. yo says:

    According to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, “At 35 you’re half as fertile as when you were at 25; at 40 you’re half as fertile as when you were 35”. This means that it can suddenly take much longer to get pregnant when you hit your late thirties or early forties and you may have problems conceiving at all.

  98. whiners suck says:

    NEVAR!

  99. Vane$$a says:

    I wanna have kids but I’m afraid they’ll be retarded.

  100. Carla Marx says:

    Why would I want to bring children into this shitty world? So that they can have the “pleasure” of living in a society that’s fenced-in on all sides by marketing and advertising? So that they can grow up navigating an infrastructure wherein they’ll never (ever) get the chance to have a single spontaneous experience or interaction that isn’t informed and/or dictated by commercialism? So that their choice, sociologically speaking, is to embrace their role as commodity-fetishizing blips on the capitalist grid, or be shunned as deviant if they don’t want to engage in enthusiastic conversations about their latest purchase? So that they can read lowest-common-denominator garbage like SBTVC and watch “great works of art” like Sex and the City, both of which are not-so-thinly-veiled advertisements for the turbo-consumerist lifestyle? Fuck that and fuck you.

    Also, bear in mind that there’s a pretty decent chance that you might not like your kids, and vice versa. Having children is no guarantee that, when you’re old, you’ll die comfortably in your sleep, surrounded by a loving brood.

  101. whoa. says:

    carla marx,

    get over yourself. i bet you think you are very insightful for copy+pasting out of your social studies textbook, but if life really is that meaningless, why dont you just off yourself already? The “blip” that you represent will probably not be missed.

  102. Sploink says:

    ^I want kids with YOU.

  103. Donna Deliva says:

    This is my favorite comment so far
    @ splooge
    “all my friends who have kids had them mid thirties. stop freaking people out and work out your own twisted shit. not anecdotal evidence- ALL OF THEM.”

    This really sums up the Me Me Me contingent of people who think ovaries last forever. He honestly thinks a group of 7 or 8 people is NOT ANECDOTAL. Out of 3 billion, his friends represent a pattern you can then apply to every woman in the world. Amazing.

    Hey, I saw a gay man who wasn’t acting effeminate therefore Gays do NOT tend to be effeminate. It’s not anecdotal evidence. It’s a guy I met!

  104. Carla Marx says:

    Dear “whoa.” –

    I don’t “off” myself for three reasons. One, since I’m already here, I may as well try to make the best of a shitty situation. Two, I have a survival instinct that, for better or worse, dissuades me from doing the deed. Three, I’m afraid of botching the job and winding up like that Judas Priest kid, James Vance (post-shotgun, pre-overdose).

    And I agree wholeheartedly that my blip wouldn’t be missed in the grand scheme. And I don’t believe that your blip would be missed, either. Right now, there are women around the world shitting out kids like it’s their fucking job (see: “Octo-Mom”), guaranteeing that there’ll always be another fresh, young psyche to be colonized by consumerist values. So go ahead, spawn, watch your kids bury their heads in electronic devices their entire lives, while constantly begging you to shell out your dough for the latest, costly version of iPersonality. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo for you and yours.

  105. Jive Ass Messenger says:

    You’d have to be a total fucking moron to have children. For Christ’s sake, get a kitten.

  106. Since the dawn of time some people made babies and some didn’t. Some babies lived and some babies died. Some were healthy and some were sickly, and for the most part (until the invention of the gun) the healthy or clever lived and the sickly or stupid died and usually that happened soon enough that the unhealthy or stupid didn’t reproduce and so for a while humans got to be better faster smarter. It is only since the industrial revolution that we have so much time on our hands that we worry so much about it (unless of course we were nobility before the industrial revolution in which case we worried about it as heads could roll over it). And really since then it seems that a lot of the sickly and dumb have found the time to reproduce… which should keep us at a safe distance from any evolutionary improvements any time soon.

    Humans are animals. Get over that and everything else makes a lot more sense. Dogs are sentient beings but as near as I can tell they don’t spend their time worrying about how many litters they are going to whelp in their human years (and why would you worry about anything when licking your own but is so easy?).

    There is love. There is sex. And there is reproduction. And the more people mix the three the worse life gets.

  107. Juicy says:

    Gotta love how much Donna hates anecdotal evidence when her entire argument is propped up by the fact that the 35+ wing of the pregnancy ward is called “Geriatric Mothers.” How about citing some sources?

  108. lol@u says:

    THIS IS BS! I KNOW PERSONALLY 6 WOMEN WHO HAD BABIES AT THE AGE OF 50 AND OVER!!!

  109. kat @juicy says:

    …her entire argument is propped up by medical science and biology. jesus.

    it’s JUST HARDER to have kids when you’re older. she’s telling you straight up that IF you are interested in children, get on that before you’re at risk of having a baby with serious health problems, or while you can have one at all.

    anyways, the tone of writing is a bit panicky, sure, but that’s ALL SHE’S SAYING. she’s not trying to judge you hard if you’re truly happy without them. she’s just trying to point out that a lot of people have a change of heart, and get fucked by the giant dick of aging. if you are DEAD SURE you don’t want any, well, relax.

    if you’re in your late 20s/early 30s you should have your shit together to know yes/no regarding wanting children anyhow, i think. if not, as a member of society, i don’t want you to be a parent because your kids will probably be fucked up due to your inability to commit to a major life decision.

    and @loomis; i said ambitious AND stupid. daytime is for ambition, nighttime is for partying.
    you better believe that i’ll have an enviable career by 27 or so and then…well, i know already that at that point i want some cute little people to pull my hair out over. but don’t tell my mother that.

  110. Donna Deliva says:

    It’s hard to find anything stating the truth on this subject because nobody wants spinsters to feel bad. Our media is filled with “Yay! You can do it” because it sells more papers than “Statistically, it’s not looking good.” Here’s one of the few places I’ve found some honesty…

    From http://cfc.news8.net/affinity/affarticle.cfm?id=225

    Myth: Lots of women are waiting until their 40s to start a family, so I have plenty of time.

    Fact: While news abounds about celebrities having children well into their 40s, some of these women may actually be using donor eggs, or even surrogate carriers. The truth of the matter is the longer you wait to try to become pregnant, the slimmer your chances of conceiving. Fertility begins to decline for women at age 27 and dramatically declines by the age of 35. After age 40, women who do become pregnant face a 50 percent chance of miscarriage, so the earlier a couple seeks a fertility evaluation, the better able they’ll be to take steps to conceive.

  111. Legal Tender. says:

    My two cents: the world is overpopulated, you’re poor, your kid is going to be miserable, you’re going to be even more poor, you haven’t seen the world, you don’t want to fall into the patterns (or you wouldn’t be on this site)

  112. Donna Deliva says:

    Here’s another. By the way. Why do I have to list all my sources? What is this college? Why don’t you show me stats that say exactly how many women after 35 have kids and then how many under 30 have kids? Or better yet, talk to your fucking doctor.

    http://stason.org/TULARC/child-parent/infertility/13-1-Statistics-Pregnancy-Rates-For-Average-Couples.html

    13.1 Statistics: Pregnancy Rates For Average Couples

    If you are
    20-25, your chance per cycle are about 25%. From there they begin to fall off.
    At 25-30 your chances are about 20%. At 30-35 they are about 15%. After 35 they
    may be about 10% per ovulatory cycle, and the chances continue the downward
    trend.

  113. Sara says:

    this post is only for ladies who aren’t pretty enough to get away with being difficult. take head.

  114. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL I AGREE WITH DONNA DELIVER SHE SHOULD’NT HAVE TO SIGHT EVERY LAST LITTLE FACT I MEAN THIS IS’NT A SCIENCE WEBSITE AND I PERSOANNLY HAVE HAD IT WITH SCIENTISTS TRYING TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE, I JUST WANT TO READ SOME GOOD WRITING. ITS’ LIKE JOE THE PLUMBER IN ISREAL ALL OVER THE GAIN, THE LIBS IN THE MEDIA WERE TRASHING HIM BECAUSE HE DID’NT SPEAK ARAB OR HEBREW OR DID’NT HAVE THE RIGHT DEGREE BUT HE IS JUST A PLAIN SHOOTER LIKE DONNA DELIVER, WHICH IS REALLY ALL YOU CAN ASK FOR THESE DAYS

  115. guy incognito says:

    Dear Carla Marx,

    I’m very sorry you are poor.

  116. Yer Avg. Hemmorhoid says:

    I’m sorry, but I could NEVER imagine having to clean a 3rd world baby’s poo-poo. EW.

  117. Juicy says:

    Why should you cite sources in an article complaining about how the media peddles scientifically false information on the basis that it sounds nice? How about to distinguish what you’re doing from what they do.

    Also, if “her” entire argument is backed up by medical science and biology why is it so hard to dig up sources a little more reputable than the DC local news or call a doctor for a direct quote instead of relying on something someone once told her sister.

  118. maurice del taco says:

    I like turtles

  119. Loomis says:

    not having kids because the Third World has too many is like recycling your toothpicks while the neighbors throw gallons of toxic sludge out their back window

  120. whiners suck says:

    @Paranoid_you_bet: we should probably get married and not have babies together

    @Juicy: right on sistah! meow, a girl after my own heart.

    PS Just a normal guy’s comments make me lol all over my desk. Its a major reason why I come back to this site despite these neocon marms spewing their baby/marriage propaganda.

  121. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL WHINER’S SUCKS “THANKS” FOR YOUR NICE BLOG POST BUT I BET IF WE HAD A RONDEE’ VOUS YOU DEFINATELY WOULD’NT LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM NOT A “BAD BOY” I AM JUST A NORMAL GUY AND THAT IS WHAT ALLWAYS HAPPENS BUT I GUESS I SHOULD’NT WORRY ABOUT THAT I NEED TO GO TRY TO HAVE A BABY WITH A YOUNG GIRL ABOUT 14 OR SO LOL JUST KIDDING 18 DO’NT CALL 5-0

  122. something in the water says:

    srsly, what is happening here, all around?

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/05/opinion/05coontz.html?_r=2&scp=1&sq=coontz&st=cse

    http://www.wnyc.org/shows/bl/episodes/2009/02/10/segments/123467/

    i hate 2009/aging.

    someone has to be capitalizing on this fear mongering right?

  123. ji says:

    yes like another commentor already said, your article is just as cliche as any sex and city episode. I think your writing is offensive and insensitive to the many situations that could possibly happen to women. In nyc getting married and 40 and having kids is NOT THE EXCEPTION anymore. But obviously you’re too busy passing judgement and drawing a diagram as if you think you’re being smug about your concerns.

  124. Hey Whiners Suck,

    Don’t get me started on marriage. How about living in sin and not reproducing.

    Then again, don’t get me started on ‘sin’.

  125. whiners suck says:

    p._y._b. oh geez, now I’m blushing!

  126. loudmouthed cooze says:

    ahh fuck. i feel very sorry for your fiance.

  127. shellindina randleford says:

    Hey Harvey! Shut the fuck up! that giant comment was boring and stupid.

    also, nip, shut the fuck up! you’re just dropping gay anecdotal evidence of exceptions. it’s what science says that’s important, not that your cousin tina knows a lady who’s mom gave birth to a healthy kid when she was 36. you’re a dumb goof! eat it and shut up.

    also, babies are awesome.

  128. shellindina randleford says:

    also, the world isn’t overpopulated. but there are obviously too many jackoff shitnutz out there, like harvey and nip.

  129. shellindina randleford says:

    wow I actually read some of harvey k-tel’s 8,000 page Promise Keepers manifesto. dude, shut the EFFing EFF up, you caveman. Nice psuedo evolutionary anthropology, you boner.

  130. shellindina randleford says:

    hate hate hate hate hate

  131. Hey Whiners Suck,

    All part of the biological imperative… the face flushes with color, the pulse races… What irony – this has turned into a mating ritual!

  132. Danielle says:

    Everyone on this site is really old. Seriously. And I’ve never wanted kids but between this post and BN’s suicide post stating that kids are the reason for our existence I’m starting to get pretty depressed about my decision.

    Reading sbtvc used to make me happy. What happened?!!

  133. ew man group says:

    NONE OF YOU WILL HAVE CHILDREN! I WILL POISON THE DRINKING WATER IN EVERY MAJOR CITY WITH LOW GRADE RADIOACTIVE WASTE, THUS FRYING YOUR GAMETES , AND MAYBE GIVING SOME OF YOU SUPER POWERS. BUT MOSTLY JUST FRYING YOUR GAMETES. SRSLY, EVERY ONE THAT COMMENTED/WROTE THIS ARTICLE SHOULD BE BANNED FROM REPRODUCTION. FOR EVS.

  134. agent955 says:

    1. Biology isn’t political, so yeah, having a baby is harder as you get older.

    2. Life isn’t fair and it doesn’t follow a plan. Every person makes decisions about what’s most important to them on a daily basis, and sometimes they’re right and sometimes they’re wrong. You get your dream job and the next year you want to switch careers. You ditch friends you wish you could get back. You choose college over a jump year in Europe, you choose person A over person B, you choose one city over another. Some decisions are rad, some you regret, but THERE’S NO WAY TO KNOW UNTIL AFTER THE FACT.

    3. Saying every woman regrets not having a baby is untrue. Its as much an anecdote as people saying their 42 year old aunt had a perfectly healthy baby. Who cares what other women do or don’t do? What do YOU want to do?

    4. There are also a shit ton of women who have regretted having babies. A lot. They take their resentments for that choice out on their own kids, either through overt abuse or a general unhappiness that teaches their sons and daughters that women’s personal happiness is not as important as their families’ needs. We don’t hear about these stories because society likes ladies making babies, and motherhood is supposed to be the all-fulfilling end-all, be-all for anyone with ovaries.

    4. If the most important thing to you is having a baby, do it. If you don’t have a good guy and you want nothing more than a baby, then by all means put on your high heels and go to the bar during last call and play that 50% game (or don’t, just go bang a bunch of dudes until you’re knocked up). Or go the route of the octuplet mom. Whatevs, its your choice.

    5. If the most important thing to you is having a caring relationship with another adult, one you would ideally like to have children with, then don’t settle and don’t panic. Your biological clock isn’t a doomsday device, it’s just another thing to consider when you think about what you need to have a fulfilled life.

    6. Science is science and biology is biology, but that doesn’t mean you can’t spin the context however you want it to suit whatever social or political agenda you have.

  135. whoa, says:

    i’m a 40 year old woman and so much happier with my life sans children and husband. i did the whole nine yards: fell in love, married at the appropriate age of 30. i was less than thrilled with the prospect of bringing kids into the mix, never mind quickly, but i knew my husband wanted them and not in the far distant future. soon enough i woke the fuck up and realized i didn’t have to do things in life just because they were things that the majority did and because there was a chance that i might be filled with regret someday if i didn’t. what a weak reason to do anything. i let him go to find a woman who truly shared those desires.

    i don’t even know how to respond to your near-hysterical demand that women wake up and realize they will probably regret not having offspring before it’s too late other than to say that my reality was waking up and realizing that i DIDN’T want children. thank jayzus i did it before it was too late.

  136. God says:

    Dear only the lonley(sic),

    The increased risk of a woman giving birth to a down’s syndrome child correlates to the age of the father, not the woman herself. No worries. I forgive you.

    Sincerely,

    God

  137. Johann Ritter says:

    Ummm…there’s more factors than just age moron. Lifestyle and genetics play a huge part in fertility. Diet and exercise have a significant affect. If you’re a typical out of shape and unhealthy US female then obviously you’re going to have problems with fertility. You also have to look at who’s fathering the child. There’s plenty of older men who shoot blanks. Statistically older women are married to or dating older men. The last thing we need is a bunch of crazy immature bitches making babies all over the f*cking place. Also, stating that a doctor friend told you that the 30-35 “rule” is true is about as reliable as FOX news. Many doctors are so full of sh*t it’s amazing.

  138. Krazy Malazy says:

    Wikipedia to the rescue:

    “At age 30, 75% will get pregnant within one year, and 91% within four years.
    At age 35, 66% will get pregnant within one year, and 84% within four years.
    At age 40, 44% will get pregnant within one year, and 64% within four years.

    The above figures are for pregnancies ending in a live birth and take into account the increasing rates of miscarriage in the ageing population. According to the March of Dimes, “about 9 percent of recognised pregnancies for women aged 20 to 24 ended in miscarriage. The risk rose to about 20 percent at age 35 to 39, and more than 50 percent by age 42”.

    In the space of just 10 years, the fertility rate drops from 75% to 44%. And of those 55% of women in their 40s who havent given birth within the first year, 35% will STILL be childless after half a decade of trying. That’s more than a third of all women.

    I don’t agree with the whole “OMG AFTER 40 YOU DRY UP AND YOUR OVARIES MUMMIFY” slant this article’s going for, but by and large she has a point — the longer you leave it, the harder it gets and 30 is the age when you need to start thinking about it seriously…. which means you have to start dating seriously at about the age of 25. Shes right…shes right.

  139. Shimar Greenspan says:

    Why do I picture ever poster on this thread looking like Timothy Busfield and Mel Harris? This is some deep ass shit…YO.

  140. Aubrey de Grey says:

    Why any of you even worrying about this? Trust me. We’re not going to die. We will be our own children. Capiche?

  141. andrea yates says:

    donna is right, you’ll regret not having children more than anything else if you don’t take the plunge – and fast!

  142. nadya suleman says:

    i love my babies, each and every one of them. if i hadn’t listened to donna’s impassioned plea, i’d be well on my way to an unhappy life of singledom. the sooner the better and if you can do it all at once you’ve got it made!

  143. casey anthony says:

    and don’t forget, if you happen to misplace the first one you will always have time for a fresh batch if you start young enough!

  144. susan smith says:

    responsible mom talk here. don’t forget to strap your children into their car seats to show that maternal love each and every one of us comes equipped with at birth. you women that don’t start breeding at appropriately young ages are all wet!

  145. britney spears says:

    y’all are so crazy to be puttin’ yer breedin’ off like that. i mean, even if you fuck up, you still will git yer vizitation rights reinstated eventually!

    y’all, what do you think of my newest song?

    “oops, i hit him again. i kicked his high chair and he fell flat on his rear. oh baby baby”

  146. mrs. patsey ramsey says:

    i swear, sometimes my precious little pageant princess made me feel like i was at the end of my rope. that beauty made the hearts of grown men quiver. a shame it all had to end so tragically.

  147. southwer says:

    agent955 for the win.

    also, donna, in your response to the first commenter you wrote the following: “This is the same bullshit machine that says having a lot of abortions doesn’t hurt your system. It does. More than three and you are drastically increasing the risks of a Down’s baby.” (Unless that was someone else just writing and saying it was you, of course.) Do you have any reliable stats to back that up? because I’m pretty sure it’s bullshit.

  148. southwer says:

    but other than that yes, you are right, it is statistically harder for women to conceive after 35. and there is nothing wrong with advising people to think about that and plan for it accordingly.

  149. it's like says:

    listening to joan holloway from mad men. direct and well-intentioned, but so sad and backwards.

  150. ashley says:

    dang. im getting ripe for this talk..

  151. Johann Ritter says:

    I want to cum in every chick I can find now. I’ll use your article to convince them that it’s alright. I can’t wait.

  152. warm apple pie says:

    kids aren’t bad. They aren’t for everyone though.

    I’m a 24 year old Midwestern girl. More pressure ’round these parts to do the whole settle down thing (buying a house/popping out heathens) at a younger age.

    But by being 24, does that mean I can still secretly be a slut or do I need to start being serious about finding a mate? Maybe I should just keep practicing how I would make babies…

  153. kimber says:

    Hey guys a/s/l ya’ll?

  154. q-dip says:

    planning to have a baby without first being in an optimal situation to have a baby is the dumbest thing in the fucking world. squeezing out some child you’re not even sure you REALLY want is priority one in your life? rethink your stupid ‘need’ to procreate.

    you morons are going to die at 35.

  155. Hey, Q-Dip says:

    Could you please be so bold as to repeat what you just said to all the black and Hispanic moms who have a drastically higher illegitimacy rate than white women?

  156. Gil says:

    WOW! Harvey K-Tel just blew my mind with that long post. True. Simple. Clear.

    I’m not kidding.

  157. […] I know this ONE woman who had kids at 45, so that better-have-kids-by-35 thing is […]

  158. Too $hort says:

    I dated a 26-year old then dumped her when she was 29.

    AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  159. whiners suck says:

    ^ now that is comedy

  160. what's even says:

    funnier is that he hasn’t had sex since then, with a woman.

  161. I'm 35 says:

    Am I the only woman in her 30s who has posted here that she doesn’t want kids? I’m engaged to a man I met when I was 32, in New York, who also didn’t want children. I’m still waiting for the penny to drop about how much beauty and wonderment there is in children but… um… all I see are women my age who are tired and unhappy and out of shape. No thanks, not for me.

  162. Juicy says:

    although this article was funny, it was also very “your experience” — I grew up in the south, Mississippi to be exact. I am now nearly 31 and all of my “friends” i went to high school with (having their first children in their early 20s) are completely unhealthy, stuck in our old hometown, miserable, and using the *child* excuse way too often to explain why they are not in a situation like I am…. being moved away, running my own business and relatively happy most days.

    i’ll be a weirdo, no problemo. the “other” life (with offspring) ain’t what you are cracking it up to be. and yeah… i’m OK w/adopting if it ever comes down to it.

    pls do expose on financial success in combination to at what age you decide to have children…

  163. RJ says:

    omgz you guys kate spade maks the raddest hang bags and they have such clever email campaigns!!! so well designed.

  164. Dr. Who? says:

    Just a comment for one item on the list:

    “20’s – Do all drugs you want”

    You ladies are forgetting one little thing. You carry ALL your eggs (in one basket) since you were born. Doing drugs will for sure damage the genetic material they contain.. so if you really want to give a birth to some retarded or chronically ill kid – go ahead and “do all drugs you want”…

  165. followmestupid says:

    I JUST made it under the wire! I’m married, and had a baby at 30! Thing is…the whole process nearly broke my body. I had SPD so bad that I became an invalid for 3 months! I am still suffering bad back problem. SPD is another risk if you are in a first world country and working full time while pregnant.

    A niece of a friend waited until she had a husband, a house, a good career and plenty of wealth before she had a baby at 35… The baby has Downs Syndrome. The woman was broken hearted. A week after she had her baby the baby reach out and touched her mothers face. The new mother reckons the baby was trying to comfort her because she was crying. It might be a mild form of Downs

  166. Anonymous says:

    that guy in the pic was in the dos and don’ts a while back? did anybody catch that? i was gonna scroll through the comments to see but there seems to be some sort of stupid arguement going on. who is this guy? why is he appearing twice?

  167. […] This article about having babies is depressing. Ladies, please don’t hate me for linking to it. My four-year-old niece (niece-in-law?) wants to “poop out” some babies right now. She and her friends sometimes play “pregnant 16-year-olds.” Maybe she’s on the right track. The hourglass turns upside down at 30. If you get one in at 34, you’re probably not going to have another. If you are happily married at 30 you are most likely going to get 2 in but know that you JUST made it under the wire. That means you have to stop fucking around and start to care who you’re fucking right after 25. […]

  168. mariah says:

    You’re not completely wrong, but you’re not completely right. Mainly:

    1) Your age range is wrong. 35 is when things start going south, and then 40 is when you’re probably screwed.
    2) Family matters: If fertility is easy in your family, it probably will be with you too. In my family the ladies get pregnant just by looking at baby pictures. I got knocked up despite using protection at the ripe age of 34. But I know others in their late 30s who’s families are not so fertile who are “trying.”

    What is true though is that you have to give yourself five years to find a husband (assuming you’re not with him already), and you have to be a little brutal about it. When I turned 30, I stopped going on dates with anyone who wasn’t decent marriage material, I edited my dealbreaker list, and I decided to break up with anyone who hadn’t asked by one year in. If you give yourself five years, that gives you, max, five boyfriends, and probably more like 3-4. I luckily met my husband right after I made this decision, and he was smart enough to ask me before I dumped him. I’m grateful that I had the luxury of knowing that it was him and not just the clock, since I had a few more years before it really had to happen.

    Also, you’re spot on about NYC. My lady friends here are amazing, and still unable to get hitched. It’s really weird, and I find myself telling them they should consider dating outside the city. Boston is also difficult.

    (and, obviously, this only applies if you want kids. Not everyone does. I just had my first and it was terrible, but got better after a while.)

  169. […] marry until their mid to late 40s and they’d like to do it with a twenty-something, not you. So, if you’re in New York in your late 20s and you’re still manless, get the fuck outta Dodge.” (Thanks Megan & […]

  170. Anonymous says:

    YOU ARE A CUNT. THANKS FOR RUINING MY NIGHT.

  171. Tune a Tin says:

    I didn’t read the article but I think this lady agrees: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
    and I didn’t read this one either but I think this lady talking about that articles doesn’t: http://ca.lifestyle.yahoo.com/family-relationships/blog/joseyvogels/3897/feeling-unsettled

  172. […] we’ve already established life goes in stages. Most of you are in the 20 to 30 stage which is so fucking fun it seems like the be all and end […]

  173. […] not to fall into the parent trap or the kitchen jail they have single sex in the city until their ovaries dry up and they feel like worthless, lonely, pieces of shit (“No I’m not. I’m a […]

  174. b says:

    oh man. i better get crackin. 25 — maybe got mr. right? no ring yet. i guess i have to push back our kids date to 29 to be sure — it was originally planned for 30.

  175. skippy says:

    A friend forwarded this to me, and I don’t know who you are, but you are hilarious. I’m 34, happily married for 2 years, no kids, and I live in SF. I couldn’t agree more about men that string women along throughout their 20’s & the women who are too chicken to end those relationships. I met my husband within weeks of a breakup and we were married w/in 3 months. He’s out there, girls, but you gotta keep looking. Anyway, I know that I should try to get preggers if I want one, as I told him when we got married, ‘the eggs are getting old’ – my two sisters did have a combined total of 3 kids after the age of 35, though – in fact, my 39 y.o. sister is pregnant right now – a total accident (again). Who the hell knows anymore …

  176. Leah says:

    OK. The anecdotes here aren’t helping. Before I begin another rant on the paucity of scientific and statistical literacy among this readership, and among Americans in general, let’s reiterate that just because it happened to someone you know doesn’t make it “likely” or a “trend.” (That’s called an availability heuristic, and it’s a common but fallacious way of thinking.) But “The Talk” and your cousin’s “wisdom” (would love to know what her credentials are, btw) are just as specious. The fact is that it isn’t “over” for women over 35 when it comes to having children. It is complicated, it is harder, and it carries more risks than having children in your 20s. James Goldfarb, director of IVF at the Cleveland Clinic, says that “At age 35 or 36, many women need only minor, if any, medical intervention to get pregnant, but by the time they’re ready for their next child, say at 39, those same medications are less likely to work.” And of course the risk of Downs is equal to the risk of miscarriage due to amniocentesis testing at age 35, so that’s a major consideration for many couples. But please don’t contribute to the baby hysteria for women over 30 who want to be a parent. Yes, many older women opt (or should) to adopt or use donor eggs. Yes, evolution didn’t get the memo about me wanting to go to college and have a career. But it’s also a terrible decision to marry prematurely and have a child before you’re ready just because you’re worried you won’t be able to later on. There are, if I can toss out a radical idea, millions of children globally whose 12-, 13- and 14-year-old mothers can’t look after them and have given then up for adoption. If being a parent is really what you’re after (and not just being pregnant), then adoption is a more valid option than getting married and dumping out kids because the biological clock haunts you with its relentless ticking.

  177. […] WE’VE ALREADY EXPLAINED THIS WHOLE THING HERE […]

  178. shawn says:

    ‘Donna’ is Gavin, dummies.

  179. Our compromise for can help you get bigger and even bigger, its automatically discover the shortest road
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