Posted by
Blognigger
• 02.27.09 11:22 am


I don’t hate twitter enthusiasts for any of the reasons you might guess: It’s not because of their faggy little names for shit, like Tweets or Tweeple or Tweetups or Tweevites – I have a gay cousin and I sucked a dick in college, so all that queer shit is all chill with me.

I don’t hate twitter enthusiasts for any of the reasons you might guess: It’s not because of their faggy little names for shit, like Tweets or Tweeple or Tweetups or Tweevites – I have a gay cousin and I sucked a dick in college, so all that queer shit is all chill with me.

No, my problem with Twaggots is a lot more basic and will probably strike you as being a lot more offensive.

Listen: long time readers have told me that my self-deprecation borders on being obsessive – and that at best, it’s certainly distracting. Somehow though, I feel compelled to preemptively remind you that I’m not exactly MC BLOGNIGGER in terms of being a big black braggart.

I’m shy.

But nonetheless I’ll tell you this: The reason I hate twitter is the same reason I hate blogs and the same reason I hate democracy: because most people are very very stupid, or in this case, painfully unaware of their own inability to entertain.

Let me give away a trade secret here, and tell you about the Rule of Three’s in comedy:

When you tell a joke, never give more than two (2) setup-examples before getting to your punchline:

So the first guy says this.
And the second guy says this.
And the third guy says REMEMBER THE ALAMO! and tosses the mexican out of the plane.

Bam!

From now on, whenever you see some jerkoff dragging on like:

So the third guy says cancer;
And the fourth guy says aids,
And the fifth

You’ll be able to sit back, sip your drink, and know a liiittle somethin about ’em. You’ll know that that guy…is a jerkoff.

Now, if you’re a funny guy, (1% of you) then this is the kind of shit that comes naturally. To most of you though, it just doesn’t.

See, people aren’t equal. In fact, we’re not even close. So, you can see why something that gives every person an equal voice – like twitter, or blogs, or the whole damn internet – ends up generating so much monkey cock.

The idea that I would want to know what you faggots are doing 30 times a day is so offensive to me that it makes me want to go out and fuck Julian Lennon in his cunt.

I used to laugh at George Bush’s lies about wanting to spread democracy to the middle east. Democracy?!?! Are you off your fucking shlock? Why do you want these fucking lunatics to decide what to do? That’s the worst fucking idea I ever heard- like letting your kids be in in charge of what you eat for dinner. You’d end up eating lucky charms and a big black cock. (Your kids didn’t choose the cock – that’s disgusting – it’s just there cause you’re gay.)

You’d get fucked just like the crazy palestinians, who when left to their own psychotic devices chose Hamas to govern them. Enjoy your frosted yellow moons, cockeaters.

I have a couple of friends who think they’re bloggers, a couple of other friends who think they’re writers, and a couple of other friends who think they’re directors. They are all terrible. They produce unreadable, unwatchable shit. I’m glad capitalism has made it so that they can’t just create this useless shit for a living. If you want to make a living being an entertainer in America, you have to be the fucking BEST. I like it that way.

But but in Europe the government we have create grant for artist who

Suck it- you’re heinous. Eat a dick, your art is bullshit safety-pin scultpure and it’s for fags.

Everyone gets a voice? Then ya get monkey fuck. Then ya get twitter. Then ya get the internet; a place where 99.999999999% of what you see is just a big fucking steaming pile of ass.


Comments
  1. habitual drug user says:

    so thennnn you’re not on twitter?

  2. Anonymous says:

    twitter rulez and when u talk abt friends who think they r writers but sux r u referring 2 ty? yes i have 2 write like this 2 stay under 140

  3. habitual drug user (the original) says:

    I’ve posted exactly one comment on this site and already someone’s stolen my handle? wtf. Can I get up in the bitch for a minute before I get pushed to the side?

  4. emily says:

    i only use it to inform people of my bowel movements.

  5. ty says:

    Anon @ 11:38?

    How’s you know?

  6. JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) says:

    WELL I MUST SAY YET AGAIN “STREET BONERS” IS BITEING THE HAND THAT FEEDS BECASUE EVERY BODY KNOWS THAT ALL THE NYC LIBS WHO COME TO THIS SIGHT PROBABLY HAVE LIKE THREE TWIDDER ACCOUNTS … BUT THAT IS WHY THIS SIGHT IS REALLY THE BEST AROUND BECASUE THEY ARE’NT AFRAID OF ANY BODY, AND IT JUST GOES TO SHOW BY HOW THEY TACKLE SUCH CONTROVERSAIL TOPIC SUCH AS THIS ONE, EVEN IF IT MEANS ALIENATING THEY’RE “BASE”

    BUT ANY WAYS WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM THE INTERNET. AL GORE INVENTED IT!!! SO OH COURSE IT IS GONNA SUCK, AM I TIGHT???

  7. Preck says:

    ha=ha you are now fighteng yourselfs stupid.

    we just sit to enjoying watching because all your netts traffic goes through china. ha-ah-haha.

    you let blacks take over yore contry and we all laugh at you beacause you are the homos too!

    we just wait.

    from preck

  8. whiners suck says:

    short and to the point, just how I like my anal sex. Thanks BN this is why I loves you.

  9. Julien Lennon says:

    Lucky charms and cock ftw

  10. Julien Lennon says:

    BN you’re a tool. Capitalism does not equal quality. Turn on the radio and stop jerking off all over your keyboard.

  11. Garbagetits says:

    Did you blow a black dude or a white dude?

  12. tommy gun says:

    with all that said, if you follow The Fat Jew from Team Facelift on Twitter, you will be well well rewarded.

  13. srsly says:

    that joke about mexicans falling out of planes was excellent!

  14. Rad racer says:

    Julien Lennon 12:28 drinks corporate water

  15. too long says:

    didn’t read it.

  16. tommy gun says:

    also, @ JUST A NORMAL GUY (THE ORIGINAL) – its “OF COARSE” not “OF COURSE”. thank you.

  17. union man says:

    what’s twitter?

  18. Vane$$a says:

    If at first you don’t succeed, twy twy again! Yeah, what’s Twitter?

  19. songoman says:

    I couldn’t get past “sucked a dick in college”. BN, is this something you’ve mentioned before? Cause if you did, I missed it.

    Sounds like your gay cousin has a gay cousin, too.

  20. Preck says:

    i don’t know a single person who twitters. it’s just some shit i don’t even know why i know about.

  21. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    General Mills is set to announce the introduction of a “black cock” marshmallow to the popular breakfast cereal, Lucky Charms. The addition will be made in observance of the “bi-sexual” web celebrity, Blognigger.

    No blog, no bad, no good

  22. Mr. Warmstone says:

    You have to be the “best” to be an entertainer in America? The “best” what? Can we call Carrot Top and get an answer to this question? He’s an entertainer, right? And what about Dane Cook? REO Speedwagon? Every fucking lip-synching glorified stripper that’s made millions upon millions masquerading as an entertainer? Bob Denver? Vanilla Ice? Hammer? Jay Leno? Blink 182? Need I go on?

  23. cuckhold says:

    dude lots of straight guys suck a little dick I had a friend in high school with a huge thick cock and I totally sucked that and still think of him fucking my girlfriend (one time I let him & she still loves me for it) but I don’t want to fuck other dudes or even him anymore just boring and straight

  24. Anonymous says:

    @Julien Lennon 12:28 ^

    You have scored low on your reading comprehension exam today. At what point did BN claim Capitalism equals quality?

    For the record, I love that Corporate Water. So good! I guess I’m just a cog in the fuckin’ machine man…

    Maybe Vegan Jules can swoop in and save me, I sure hope so :)

  25. Drippy Dog Dix and Cum Bubbles or something says:

    ^ Woops. From me. Love, D.D.D.&C.B.O.S.

  26. Dim Load says:

    I’m actually crying all over my laptop because this piece finally made me realize that I’m not the best. I will never write a book. I will never be an entertainer, and I will certainly never, ever be fulfilled in this life. On the bright side, I guess this means I can start criticizing Jews.

  27. bkbs says:

    lolwut? Capitalism cares not one fuck about quality in art. Are you retarded?

  28. homeless. says:

    what the fuck is a twitter?

  29. homeless. says:

    “corporate water” is the best quote of the year so far.

  30. Slapt says:

    you sucked a dick in college?

  31. Cap'n Glitterfuzz says:

    @ Cuckhold

    You’re a dick frenzied pussy, and that’s ok! But hold back the fraternity bedroom talk like the load you’ve been tongue juggling, you give me vibes.

  32. cuckhold says:

    understood

  33. bonner says:

    This was overworked and unfunny. I think you just sucked another dick BN

  34. BlogNigger says:

    Understood

  35. bad stuff is GREAT says:

    Proving BN’s point: look at all the comments from unfunny untalented douches who KNOW they are better than “mainstream tripe”

    “WHA? You think CAPITALISM understands art?!? Like, my band is SO much better than U2 – those guys are CHEESY.”

    Yeah yeah, we all know you’re better than ALLLL those mainstream acts. That’s why no one buys your records and U2 sells out MSG 40 nights in a row. Cause you’re so great.

    I LOVE IT!!!!!

    can’t wait till you quit your shitty mod band and go to law shool like your dad did.

    LOVE IT! thank you bn!!!

  36. Beefy McManstick says:

    Why I don’t blog…

    You’re welcome.

  37. tommy gun says:

    hamas isn’t bad, just misunderstood.

  38. Daddy says:

    I ain’t paying for no damn law school!

  39. Cunty mcstevens says:

    @cable guy

    Don’t act surprised thinking you’re better than any SUCCESSFUL artist is what being a broke hipster is all about.

    Yeah pulp fiction?? It was ALRIGHT- I preferred blackscreen, by ej rowan- it’s just a black screen for 3 hours. Deep.

  40. miss appalachian says:

    I think i’m ‘boy-funny’ but i’m not this funny. I could never call my friends ‘terrible’. Amazing.

    Why are they your friends? Ha. Your art is terrible. Your house is terrible. Your breath is terrible. Your outfit is terrible. Your cooking is terrible. Your body is terrible. Ahhh. Friends.

  41. the right honourable poodge mastrami says:

    AMEN, fuck blogs and the inbred halfwits who feel the need to broadcast their shitty lives onto the world. I feel the internets main downfall is that it gives all these simpletons the idea that they are their own reality tv star.

  42. white power says:

    you’re right about to be an entertainer in america you have to be THE BEST. i like it that way too.

  43. sasha grey and jenna haze actively update. Jenna smoked a joint and did some laundry at 3:30

  44. Joey Odessa says:

    When an artist lashes out at the little people, it’s usually because his ego has recently experienced a major blow. Most get over it and move forward, some don’t (see Hitler).

  45. Jerry Sneede says:

    If anybody thinks BN’s comment about sucking a dick in college is true, you’re crazy. He sucked way more than one dick in college. In fact, I personally witnessed him with three in his mouth at one time. And that was Freshman year.

  46. VAL-HALEN says:

    BOBBY BOY.
    i met one of your terrible friends last night. He told me you were in the process of writing a book. GO BN!!! When it hits the shelves, i’ll be one of the first to contribute to your lunch money.

    Yeah, Twitter isn’t so bad. DIPLO’s drunken twitters from when he was at the Grammy’s = GOLD.

    Also, last night in my drunken stupor i left my bag with money & metrocard at a bar. Stranded in Manhattan right now with a dead cellphone so i updated my twitter with a HELP message & some NYC heads replied saying they could hook me up with 2 bucks so i can get home to Brooklyn. TWITTER SAVES LIVES (or at least from panhandling). Did you hear about the guy traveling overseas who twitter’d he was getting arrested for being American in some JIZZLAM country? & since this dude had hundreds of followers a lot of them worked to get him out of jail. Wow.

  47. I'm good too says:

    What’s wrong with electing Hamas? If that’s what the people wanted that’s what the people wanted. Listen it’s better and more easily defensible than electing bush!!!

  48. Blognigger,

    You’re right with the Twouble wif Twaggots post.

    My dad, for example is embarrasses himself…again.

    -Meg

  49. songoman says:

    You don’t “suck a little dick” in college or ANYWHERE and then go on to call yourself straight at any point in your life. Sucking Dick is like alcoholism: you can be a reformed alcoholic, but you’re still an alcoholic. Which means BN is just one bad day at work away from Balls on the Chin, and that’s a precarious place to be. Big Black Nuts banging away at his adams’ apple, trying to breathe through his asshole, and taking a horseload right down tonsil alley. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But Jeeeez, Louise, we did some crazy shit in college; I remember waking up in the freshman dorm at Colombia on a hard vinyl floor the day after, with my best friend’s underage girlfriend, Kate (we called her Bait) naked and sleeping on my arm. To this day I don’t know what happened. Last I remember from the night before was the scuba tank of nitrous. But I can say with certainty that if I sucked any dick that night, it would have been completely against my will had I been conscious.

  50. songoman says:

    Disregard that- I suck cocks.

  51. DJBurgerking says:

    Twitsuckers, what the twit is twitter?

  52. Demetrious Owusu-McBride says:

    Glad to see BN finally getting hip to Shakespeare’s brevity of wit thing. 1 + 1 really does = comedy gold. Learn it and live it, people. Since she was the one who brought this problem to BN’s attention, I need to give a special shout out to Vane$$a too. Smack ya on the ass GIRL!

  53. Demetrious Owusu-McBride says:

    Does sucking my own dick in college officially count as sucking dick in college? Am I gay?

  54. Demetrious Owusu-McBride says:

    you know what’s the worst those CNN I reports things those are some dumb muthafuckas

  55. Jewnicorn says:

    Wow, you faggots really don’t get it. Frankly I’m surprised at BlergNerg for not giving a shout out to the greatest refuge of all for uninteresting failfags everywhere on the intertubes. To be truly shocked by the complete lack of any sort of self awareness at not possessing an ounce of engaging wit, just read the comments section for any blog. Including this one.

  56. Harvey Milfs says:

    Wow – reading Songoman’s comments in particular – you can really tell that that kid has a serious homophobic / gay hate thing going on.

    It’s like, you can joke and joke, but there are certain things that just shine through – when you know someone is deeply serious.

    Songoman, you’re scary – and I might add, more truly worrying than anything BN has said. because at the end of the day – you’re serious- i can tell.

  57. wharfington postmaster says:

    people who don’t get the dick sucking joke don’t read blognigger. you get it garbagetits, that’s why i like you. he stold that joke from you didn’t he?

  58. yanburts says:

    I fully agree that true democracy and true arts/entertainment will never be compatible with one another. But also consider that the when the (somewhat) democratic institution of the Writer’s Guild of America went on strike over the capitalistic greed of media conglomerate execs, it led us into one of the worst creative recessions in the history of modern media. Because when the people who can actually put two words together went on strike, it opened the flood gates to the horde of untalented morons that the Writer’s Guild is meant to protect us from.

  59. CaptainQueef says:

    I agree with bad stuff is great, all you idiots seem to think you’re so much better than the mainstream, but you fucking aren’t (and neither am i :( ).

    but lets back this up a little bit: BN sucked a dick in college!? has this been covered before!?

    PS corporate water IS the quote of the year. i hope to see it used frequently!

  60. FAILFAG says:

    I JUST READ THIS POST AND I HAVE TO SAY I”M FUNNY, HERE LET ME EXPLAIN WHY

  61. pedobear says:

    soup /s/b/

  62. Tito of Yugoslavia says:

    BENEVOLENT DICTATORSHIP 4 LIVE

  63. palestine says:

    we only voted for hamas because we’re starving and there’s a million of us trapped on 200 square miles.

  64. Chinky says:

    When I first heard of Twitter, I thought, “isn’t that what crystal meth addicts do?”

  65. songoman says:

    Harvey Milfs:

    Wow. You’re perceptive. You can tell I’m serious and have a gay-hate thing goin’ on. Aren’t you a regular Hannibal Lecter?

    Listen: I could give a rat’s ass what some other MF does. I don’t believe in God, so that frees me from the whole Leviticus thing. I think anyone should be able to marry anyone.

    But by the same token, college boys suckin’ each others’ dicks is FUNNY to me. And nobody’s gonna tell me it shouldn’t be. Aint nobody’s business but my own.

    I don’t hate anyone, but if I want to make fun of the fact that BN took multiple horse-loads simultaneously in his freshman dorm, you aren’t gonna stop me. Don’t worry so much about who I hate or don’t hate; spend a little more time working on the fact that you’re a pretentious dickhead.

    All my love.

  66. Harvey milfs says:

    @songoman

    Don’t talk to me that way, you pathetic little homophobe.
    I don’t take advice from people that hate.

  67. songoman says:

    Harvey:

    I love you. Not like a brother; I mean sexually. You will be the wife in this relationship.

  68. Demetrious Owusu-McBride says:

    Everyone who reads this post is saying to themselves: “I know I’m in the magic 1%. All my friends and family tell me that I should be a comedian. Better keep the funny rollin’ in like nobody’s bidness.”

  69. Rad racer says:

    LOL- watch songoman try to back out of looking like a hate monger by getting all agro-gay!
    spaz

  70. […] Check out the article on ‘Twaggots.’ […]

  71. Trackfag says:

    ^^^^^^YOU WERE TOLD REPEATEDLY TO STOP PROMOTING YOUR AWFUL BLOG

  72. tina says:

    tell me what you think about facebook.

  73. Reid Singer says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  74. this a good one says:

    this a good one article. yeahhhhhhh.

  75. jesus man says:

    i wish i could front. blognigger is the king.

  76. jesus man says:

    wait — why, exactly, did you suck a dick in college?

  77. forget twaggots, what about blaggots? says:

    self-awareness is not one of the more highly developed aspects of your personality, blognigger.

  78. benjamin says:

    @forget twaggots, what about blaggots?

    you must be a veeerrrrry dumb faggot, not familliar with my man bn, to say something so off base.

  79. forget twaggots, what about blaggots? says:

    and you must be the proud owner of the aforementioned sucked cock, courtesy of blognigger.

  80. 2005 says:

    one time i sucked six in a row one time i sucked six dirty dicks in a row one time i got my kicks with Joe and sucked five of his friends yo yo

  81. SCOTTIECAPSLOCK says:

    “The idea that I would want to know what you faggots are doing 30 times a day is so offensive to me that it makes me want to go out and fuck Julian Lennon in his cunt.”

    bn the king of the net

  82. vegan jules says:

    I had my dick sucked by a guy once, but I’ve never sucked one, and I’m glad I haven’t, I don’t know why.

  83. vegan jules says:

    p.s. It was in college :)

  84. . says:

    Amen

  85. A Friend of the Author says:

    BN’s just lashing out at the people cuz he got smoked by the “corporate water” gem. He feels jilted by his alleged disciples. It’s not the first time this has happened, and it won’t be the last. There’s very little irony in this piece. When he wrote it, he definitely felt resentment toward the people he views as the crowd, but I’m sure that all wounds have been mended courtesy of his Friday grope and the subsequent response (albeit a response generated by lack of competition). I like how his “followers” are keeping the convo on his sexual experience instead of the gist of the article and the gaping holes in his naive logic. That’s what happens when you write with tears in your ego; you lose all focus on the truth. If you’ve ever been in an argument with a woman you know exactly what I’m talking about. She wails at you for surface reasons that are far removed from the truth of the subtext. Once she’s lost all her steam, she finally admits that she’s really angry because you slighted her and had the audacity to do it unwittingly, aka in the cruelest of manners. In my shitty little opinion, that trait in a man is far more gay than sucking dick will ever be.

  86. Kennedy says:

    Word life.

  87. cable guy says:

    wow vane$$a (02.28.09 at 8:25 am)

    with friends like you, who needs enemies.

  88. whiners suck says:

    I licked a vagina once in college too, I’ll share my sexual preferences with the world because I completely missed the point of this article!! I’m important!

  89. wack-boy says:

    This sounds like Andy Rooney with some early Robin Williams/Eddie Murphay dick jokes thrown in. Could you please not post again until you actually have something to say.

  90. wack-boy says:

    Absolutely perfect

  91. Scarlet says:

    LOVE this post and love this site!

    Very cool.

  92. neezy says:

    That reminds me, I should turn my computer off forever.

  93. just an average penis says:

    Whoa! sure twitter is lame, but you sound like you got some sand up in your vagina!

  94. Blastodon says:

    While 99.9% of twitter is unfunny/retarded, the good thing about twitter is that you only have to ‘follow’ the shit that you like. Just like i choose to read streetcarnage and not some other shittier blog.

  95. leelo says:

    maybe not my most fave BN post of all times, but still light years better than some Jezebel piece about how kick-ass Michelle Obama’s biceps are. LOVE U BLOG N, KEEP ON KEEEPIN’ ON.
    ps. you + Streetcarnage=gold

  96. commenter says:

    BN listen to me do it my way i’m funny

  97. jon wilson says:

    haha love u leelo. Jezzie sux 99%

  98. miss appalachian says:

    i would like to nominate blognigger to be an honorary jezzie! he’s such an obvs good fit.

  99. Oy! says:

    If they only knew….

  100. ew says:

    no, jon wilson, jezebel sux 200% ( it sux so hard its not even possible)

  101. srsly says:

    this is not blognigger

  102. Anonymous says:

    yurple

  103. Anonymous says:

    SHUT UP AND WHINE ABOUT IT ON YOUR BLOG

  104. HolyShitballs says:

    BN sucks dick. Holyshitballs.

    Totally new information.

    Details?


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