Posted by
Nichole Guntersly
• 12.07.17 01:25 pm

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Oh, my god. Is there anything more irresistible than a hot guy with a cute little puppy? Um, yeah. Actually, come to think of it, anyone who doesn’t appear to be a serial killer who’s really thought things through is a tad bit more attractive. For me at least.

I’d like to think I’m not too evil of a cunt and I find puppies quite cute but I honestly don’t understand why so many other women are obsessed with guys who own puppies. It always feels like there’s something off about them. Just as a little dog is the last resort for women who’ve messed up and waited too long to get hitched, puppies seem like the last resort for pussies who don’t know how to talk to women.

Why would a single man need to buy a puppy in the first place? It doesn’t make any sense. The things are expensive as hell. I thought men were supposed to be rational. Adopting a dog is way less expensive and makes a whole lot more sense.

Living by yourself in the city can be rough sometimes and coming home to an empty apartment can get lonely. Adopting an abandoned dog and having it waiting for you at home can make it a little less lonely. That I can understand. There is no need to raise a “best friend” from scratch, only a raging lunatic would do that sort of thing. All men need to do in order to make friends is go to a bar. If a guy can’t handle that and has to resort to training a baby from a foreign species to be his friend then something’s up. Where would a single man get the time to do that, anyways?

When you get a brand-new puppy, you have to train it not to be an asshole. Meaning you need to teach it not to piss and shit all over the place and chew up the furniture. That takes time and when you have a full-time job, there’s really not that much of it to go around. If a guy is going to be training a puppy correctly, on his own, he either has to be nearly unemployed or not give a crap about his apartment. Either way, it’s not that attractive of a scenario.

If you see a guy walking around with a brand-new puppy, chances are he’s already in a relationship. That’s not his puppy, that’s him and his girlfriend’s puppy. Especially if he’s able to carry a conversation like a regular human being, who hasn’t been abused all his life. If he’s acting all flustered and gets more and more nervous with every dumb question about the dog, that’s a clear sign you’re dealing with a socially inept loser who can’t even handle pick-up artist techniques. It would be sad if it didn’t seem so similar to an old guy in a windowless van offering candy to kids in the middle of August.

Men don’t get puppies on their own. When there’s a guy walking around with one, it usually means he’s already in a relationship and being trained to raise children. I understand the attraction there but I don’t want to take my chances with a guy who’s willing to ditch a woman he’s apparently so invested with. I’d rather meet a guy with an old dog. Then it dies, we get a puppy together, and become one big happy family forever and ever.

-NICHOLE GUNTERSLY


Comments
  1. Emily's Dink says:

    Gavin- this is really, really weak. Emily the Indian has to be very very embarrassed….

  2. Huh? says:

    What the fuck is this? Some bizarre straw man argument constructed by a dude that treats women badly? Who is this written for?

  3. Ooga Booga of The Gods says:

    This Nichole should get together with Jon Pitt-stain and just read their essays to each other.
    .
    BTW, when I bring a new girl into my home, I have to watch that they don’t shit and piss all over the place, just like with a dog. Many girls aren’t ladies anymore….


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