Posted by
Jim Goad
• 08.15.10 11:52 am


First off, I need to make clear that I am NOT, in any way, claiming that my experience with weird foods is anywhere remotely as extensive as that of the fat bald fag who hosts Bizarre Foods. Then again,


First off, I need to make clear that I am NOT, in any way, claiming that my experience with weird foods is anywhere remotely as extensive as that of the fat bald fag who hosts Bizarre Foods. Then again, I am almost certain that I will never die from eating weird foods, although I suspect that one day he’s going to push his luck and eat something that kills him.

But I have also tremendous admiration for that fat bald fag. He’s like the Steve Irwin of food. Humphrey Bogart said he didn’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink. In the same way, I’m immediately suspicious of anyone who isn’t adventurous when it comes to food.

A reluctance to eat “weird” foods tells me a person probably isn’t too adventurous with ideas, either. Most of the idiots I grew up with still live in the same area, go to the same church, think the same thoughts, and eat the same food. And one day, they’ll all rot together in their normal caskets.

I’ve eaten interesting foods in the same way I’ve gone to interesting places and done interesting things and thought interesting thoughts. I get bored with ordinary things because I’m an interesting person. You might think that “interesting” equates to “weird,” but that’s only because you aren’t interesting. Eating weird foods isn’t the only thing that makes me interesting; it is merely further evidence that I’m interesting. When I was a young pink-skinned prepube and hadn’t so much as eaten out a chick, I had already eaten snails and frog legs and chocolate-covered grasshoppers.

God made me interesting and he made you average. You’ve always lived a TV Dinner Life. You eat only what you’re “supposed” to eat. The weirdest thing you’ve ever shoved in your maw is the Rooty Tooty Fresh ’n’ Fruity special at IHOP. When it comes to sex, you use the missionary position exclusively. You’ve been to two states—your home state and the one next to it. I’ve been to all fifty.

You don’t make any sense. You’ll make out with the ugliest chick at the bar, but you’d never touch eel? You smoke cigarettes knowing they’ll give you cancer, but you have a problem with frog legs? If you understood what goes into a hot dog, why should any of this faze you?

Because you don’t like variety, your life ain’t very spicy. I’m a Spicy Beef Vindaloo, and you’re only a Saltine cracker, my friend.

Basically, I tried all the following weird foods because I had the opportunity to try them. There has never been an edible item I’ve had the chance to try but was too scared to try. In the same spirit of brash adventurousness, I’ve tried every illegal drug I’ve ever had the chance to try and traveled everywhere I’ve ever had the chance to go. Although I am by no means a homosexual, I AM fabulous, and your feeble disapproval of my culinary bravery has no effect on my fabulousness. In fact,I find you so dull, I’m going to stop talking about you right now.

None of these “weird” dishes tasted disgusting. One realizes quickly that most mammals taste kinda like beef, most birds taste kinda like chicken, and most aquatic creatures taste kinda like flounder. Still, even I couldn’t get past the innate yuck factor with a couple of them.

I don’t care that these animals have suffered to feed and amuse me. That’s nature’s way. I don’t believe I accrue any bad karma or am eating their souls. Many of these animals would eat me if they could, so I shed no tears for any of them. And I might be reluctant to eat human flesh, but trust me—you don’t want to dare me.


KANGAROO
I’ve eaten kangaroo twice. First time was back in the late 80s at a Manhattan restaurant called the New Deal, whose menu featured “game meats” such as elephant and buffalo. New Deal served up their kangaroo in thin curly meat strips, and I’ll be doggoned if I could tell it apart from beef. The second time was at an outdoor restaurant a few years ago in Melbourne, Australia, where many cars are rigged with “hopper choppers” on their front grilles to kill the pesky jaywalking beasties. That time my kangaroo was served as a thick slab of steak alongside sugar beets, and it still tasted like beef. Note to myself: Kangaroo tastes like beef.


ALLIGATOR
I’ve gobbled on alligator sausage down in New Orleans during Mardi Gras, eaten deep-fried gator bites at restaurants throughout Dixie, and even feasted on gator steak on an outdoor wooden deck right above a skeeter-laden Florida swamp wherein live gators dwelt. In every instance, I was grateful to be eating the alligator rather than the inverse. It tastes like a salty mix of fish and chicken.


FROG LEGS
Being part-Frog myself (I’m a self-hating partial Frenchman), I’ve eaten frog legs since childhood, and just like alligator, they taste somewhere halfway along the fish-poultry continuum. A couple years ago at a Chinese restaurant in rural Pennsylvania I ordered me some frog legs and then watched with mild remorse as waiters removed a live, healthy, happy frog from an aquarium, only to march him back to the kitchen and murder him. My remorse soon faded because I was hungry, and I eagerly devoured the freshly slain frog’s fishy-chickeny legs.


EEL
This is the only item on the list that has made me puke—and twice at that. Once was after eating big eel chunks at a Chinese joint in lower Manhattan, and the other was after some Vietnamese eel curry in Orange County, CA. Eels are a visually repellent creature, and even though they’ve made me vomit twice, I still boldly order eel sushi every time I’m able.


SNAILS
Chewy and rubbery, but if you dip them in enough melted butter, you can get around the idea that they leave a slime trail everywhere they go. A few years ago I ordered some mini-sized snails at the same Chinese restaurant where I saw the frog get murdered. The waiter told me these snails would clean my insides of harmful toxins. Instead, I was THIS CLOSE to shitting blood for a week.


SHEEP BRAINS
After watching the monkey-brain-eating scene in Faces of Death, I knew I had to order me some brains, and I did so at a sit-on-the-floor Moroccan establishment on Capitol Hill in Seattle. They were white and soft and tasted mildly like cream cheese.


ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS
AKA bull testicles. I had a basket of deep-fried bull balls with a side of fries at a honky-tonk bar in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I’m still unsure whether this makes me more macho or more effeminate. The bull testicles in question tasted like beef.


PIGEON’S HEAD SOUP
When I ordered this item at a Vietnamese place in Orange County, CA, I figured it was like ordering the “Spicy Dragon Bowl” or something similarly symbolic. I didn’t expect to dip my spoon into the thick brown mess and lift up an actual cooked pigeon’s head with its gnarled eyeball looking straight at me. I only took one sip before pussying out. It tasted like soup.


ANT LARVAE
Yup. Pearly white ant maggots. Some of them had even started blossoming into young teenaged ants before being freeze-dried or whatever it was that killed them. I bought them at a Thai grocery store in LA, took them home, and folded them into an omelette with cheese. I took a couple bites and stopped. Even I can only take so much.

JIM GOAD
Posted simultaneously at JimGoad.net


Comments
  1. I.C.P. says:

    not funny, just dumb

  2. ji says:

    I am much more interested in what it was like the first time you let a man put a dick in your ass, mr. adventure.

  3. Dirty D.A.W.G says:

    You couldn’t eat EEL? Really?

  4. Eine Kleine Arsemusik says:

    Back in high school, when I was dating a Chinese girl, her family liked to test my white man culinary boundaries. They murdered turtles in their kitchen for soup and sometimes ate bull penis (apparently, the semen is believed to be an aphrodisiac). I also had stomach on multiple occasions. It didn’t taste like beef, chicken, or flounder. Mostly, it tasted like chewy blood. Like calamari sautéed in pennies.

  5. Gnarles in Charge says:

    I’m thinking an interesting thought–somebody has watched the dinner scene in Temple of Doom one too many times.

  6. Johnny SP says:

    I’m asian and French so do is my stomach.

  7. derka derka says:

    Cool story bro

  8. Production assistant says:

    That tv show host is married, and not to some beard award.

  9. Gay Produce says:

    I’m eating green grapes right now and all those little holes on ’em where the stem goes in look like little brown assholes. Weird, huh?

  10. bird says:

    same

  11. chef P says:

    lame

  12. Zippy says:

    Snails, pigeon heads and maggots…Why in hell would people in this country, with all the wonderful stuff that we have to eat, choose to chow down like poor Asians and Chinese in one of their filthy restaurants? It’s like leaving a young, healthy pretty college girl in your bed and getting up to go fuck the used up sick whores at a free clinic.

  13. gim joad says:

    this one time, i ate boiled peanuts.

  14. Anonymous says:

    playing to the wrong crowd. most commenters here have both eaten weird people and snacked on even weirder food. imagine that. this is stuff you should be telling the true ghetto folk, the ones who won’t travel or further their education in any way.

  15. Joe Peppler says:

    I guess Greeks pay better than Scots. Shouldn’t we be talking about Juggalos? They pretty much just had their 9/11 (with them being the A-rabs of course).

  16. DeadSerious says:

    My Dick, bigger than yours, your dick, looks like it got SARS.

  17. Anonymous says:

    This person sounds annoying.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Boring

  19. Anonymous says:

    dude, your just trying too hard.

  20. Anon says:

    I don’t usually hate anything I read on this site, but HOLY SHIT. I want to punch this fag right in his tuna. If something makes you puke, don’t eat it. You aren’t impressing anyone with your ability to be an idiot. This one time I drank a bottle of tequila, then ate the worm, and then chased that whole mess with tussin. Insta-puke! Therefore, I will never do it again. See, I told you that lame story so you’d know how it feels to be bored to death. I think I’m more awesome than you, because at least I was creative with the retarded shit that I put in my mouth. Now imagine reading that paragraph 8 times, while I punch you repeatedly in your weepy little vagina. That’s how I feel. Maybe you should post some pictures of your vomit to spice things up a bit. But I’m edgier than you, so look at my chunder.

    http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5ev1l8LtR1qzickfo1_500.jpg

  21. Pussy Tastemaker says:

    Sheep’s brains? Enjoy your CJD…

  22. Wyoming Kid says:

    I live in Jackson, Wyoming, and there is no place to get rocky mountain oysters here. There is a place called the RMO cafe, but it’s just a name. Maybe you ate these back in the day, like in the 70s? Otherwise, I call bullshit.

  23. what says:

    Is anyone else sick of Jim Goad’s bravado? I get it, Jim. You’re so great and awesome and cooler than everyone else in the world. I used to think you postured for comedic effect, but now it really seems like you just have an incredibly high opinion of yourself, and it’s not endearing.

  24. StupidParty says:

    not especially impressive–i am 21 and i’ve had the first six things on the list

  25. homeless says:

    “taste like beef, taste like chicken, taste like fish” Real insightful!

  26. dragler says:

    all (besides the first 2) loving prepared by illegal immigrants

  27. Anonymous says:

    Man that weird foods guy has paid his dues though, look it up.

  28. Ooze says:

    You’re a fucking pussy. The only actual weird things on this list were the brains, RMO, and ant larvae. And you couldn’t even finish them. Eel is absolutely delicious, you vagina. And to be saying that you’re better than everyone else, including the reader (who it looks has tried- and enjoyed- weirder things) is just bad writing. You’re a fucking tool who tries too hard.

  29. Collin Bullshit says:

    I love condescension…. as much as I like sarcasm.

  30. you all like "Fergie" says:

    I usually like Goad, but something tells me he just lost an argument in a bar or had some chick make fun of him or something because all the “I’m so great and you suck” preamble to a basically hollow article reeks of desperation and low self esteem.

  31. They don't get Goad. says:

    Dude you’re preaching to tweens.

  32. DryRub says:

    your list needs some work
    this weekend I ate lion, bear, camel, yak, boar, shark and alpaca, and this was all without going more than an hour outside of Chicago

  33. Judeo-Greco-Lesbo says:

    You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten Paki dingleberry on the humid banks of the River Indus.

  34. SP says:

    Your horrible. Did your just go to a high school reunion and get your feelings hurt? All the “normal” bashing and “I’m great you suck” shows me that your still trying to get over something. You still don’t quite feel the way you want others to see you eh?

  35. Anonymous says:

    Out of all of the interesting thoughts and adventures that Jim Goad has claimed to have had, he decided to pick this for show and tell? Everyone above the age of 13 who grew up in a major city is laughing at you right now, man. There isn’t one thing on this list that I can’t find within walking distance of my house. Thinking that this shit is interesting automatically makes you look like a boring toddler.

  36. Jones says:

    I’d eat a wog.

  37. Polka King says:

    Al Yankovic is a vegan. He wouldn’t eat any of this shit, but he’s still pretty “weird.”

  38. booyaka shaa says:

    i ate desert BEFORE my dinner once.

  39. Anonymous says:

    i think this is what happens when you choose to live amongst only those more ignorant and unambitious than yourself in order to remain bmoc. this is “all growed up: 101” stuff.

  40. Anonymous says:

    Pffffffffffftttttttttttt. I live in Chinatown, bitch. This is a hungover Sunday brunch.

  41. Jack says:

    Eat a dick.

  42. Spud Gun says:

    Only one of those animals would ‘try and eat you’, which makes it even more lame. And I’m pretty sure eating sheep brains will cause cancer in yours. Doh.

  43. Anonymous says:

    at like 3:30 a.m. i finally got this post. good job, but it’s still not funny sucka.

  44. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    I once banged a girl with crabs just because I was hungry for seafood…. What the fu…..?

  45. coward says:

    i don’t know you. i can’t use you. put your…

  46. Frenchy says:

    I once got shitfaced with some Vietnamese bros who listened to the theme from Titanic on repeat. They were eating Balut and convinced me, after several Budweisers (asian FoBs love Bud), to try one. I had 3 and they sent me home with another 5 of them along with some weird asian herb I was supposed to eat with them to dull the flavor of the juices. A former PETA sign-carrier, I got so nervous the next day that I treated the Balut leftovers like 10 kilos of cocaine and hid them in a black bag and stuffed them in the bottom of my trash can like a scared little baby.

  47. rolling vandal says:

    dude you eat eel sushi…no way how adventurous. You realize that eel sushi is cooked, and a pretty tame thing to order at a sushi restaurant. Your whole article and tone were pretty pathetic.


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