Posted by
LB Infeld
• 11.09.10 11:00 am


My friend BLAK (Baltimore’s Last African King, the legendary blunt-wielding, incidentally black citizen of these parts) got mad crunk and decided to philosophize on the realness of friendship to 300 of his closest Facebook friends in a private message.

My friend BLAK (Baltimore’s Last African King, the legendary blunt-wielding, incidentally black citizen of these parts) got mad crunk and decided to philosophize on the realness of friendship to 300 of his closest Facebook friends in a private message.

His thoughts were touching, but were addressed to like 296 people. They were mostly uneducated people, lacking command of the English language, some lacking teeth, and most likely doing the absolute opposite of anything with their lives but running crazy from the Baltimore water and living to yell about it on my future stoop. Instead of doing anything effectual, they’ve been sitting on Facebook for four days straight, spamming the shit out of everyone on the thread with Youtubes, links, pictures and broken Ebonics.

SO? Who the fuck cares? This is dumb as shit — yeah, yeah, yeah, shaddap. It’s epic because BLAK accidentally found a privacy loophole and nobody has been able to do SHIT to stop it.

There is an enormous, gaping defect in the Facebook privacy labyrinth. If you are the recipient of a private message thread (legit spam or the personal type), you can continuously be contacted through that thread no matter what privacy options you choose. It doesn’t matter how many times you delete the post, report it as spam or block the individual posters, you will still receive ALL new messages. Each of us lucky 300 have been hit with hundreds of messages pinging our inboxes on the average of 20-40 posts per hour.

Some of the more intelligible exchanges have been:

“I WOKE UP WITH TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE NEW TEXT MESSAGES. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FUCKING FIVE”

“GOD DAMN IT I HOPE ALL OF YOU RESPONDING TO THIS AND HELPING KEEP THIS GOING DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH. I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A BUS ON YER FUCKING FIXED GEAR, YOU BUY A BAD BAG OF DOPE, OR YOU GET SHOT IN THE FUCKING FACE.”

“The blocking people thing didn’t work. I blocked all of the idiots who can’t write in intelligible English and I’m still seeing their asinine posts, it just doesn’t link with an account. Blak, you have a lot of stupid fucking friends.”

“I m blaks mos stupidest fren n I think dis shyt fun. We’re da bitchs at?”

“One day I will hunt down each and every person on this damn thread and cut off all the fingers of the participants. Consequently, I will feed those fingers to the participants and, subsequently, kill all said individuals.”

“def feelin this. wish i was still in bmore livin the good life. instead im stuck in ny on probation.. much love for my bmore peeps.”

“I feel like I’m in an AOL chat room”

“I wish ya stfu n stop postn shyt becuz im sick of this shyt bein on my motha fuckn messg n whoeva the fuck started dis shyt need 2 kill therself immediately”

“why do that this shit is awesome we are all talking to eachother for no damn reason other than the last african price of baltimore.”

“screw being an E-thug I’m just growing my E-penis.”

And there you have it. Somewhere around the 200th death threat, Ray Crouse, another infamous local punk, overtook moderation to ensure that there were at least six incoherent posts per hour. As we speak, the posts are still streaming in, but Mark Zuckerberg has yet to do a goddamned thing about it. The Social Network made him look very menacing and very in control of shit, and this is NOT true.

Regardless of how mind-numbingly perturbed most of us are (especially those who get notification e-mails and text alerts), we’ve made history on this one. Unless somebody comes forward in the next two weeks with something on Facebook that can be proven more acutely annoying than this thread, we’ve officially created the Most Annoyed Group of Under 500 People in the history of Facebook. Our plaque is in the mail.

-LB


Comments
  1. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    Whoa. Never has the phrase “who gives a shit?” been more appropriate. Fuck off. The world’s most annoying Facebook post spawned the world’s most annoying blog post.

  2. Eine Kleine Arsemusik says:

    “my goatee isnt stupid”
    That was funny.

  3. NINJASONIK says:

    I’ve met BLAK and he is the realness.

  4. yikes says:

    “I feel like I’m in an AOL chat room” – that was funny. The goatee thing too.

  5. blue waffle says:

    you should have just kept this in that thread.

    whats your point here? annoying message thread? zuckerburg isnt in control? you have the most boring anecdotes? youre right, blak definitely has some really stupid friends.

    i beat of to jennifer connelly in labyrinth. and requiem.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I peed in a horse once

  7. MORE FAT CHICKS!!! says:

    bALTIMORE BE STRAIGHT CRUSHIN Y’ALL

    ARRRRRRRRRGH, IT BE A RELEVANT

  8. Licka Posseyyyyy says:

    wtf dis shit fuckn funny hahahahahaha… put dis nighga facebook here wana be his friend

  9. qq says:

    yeash this is hilarious, brightened up my otherwise reasonably bright morning (and its only 8.51am!!)

  10. crunt says:

    holy shit imma do dis now hur

  11. rusty says:

    haha yeh ive been tryin to ignore this. just ran into blak at the liquor store…. yikes…..

  12. UH says:

    BLAK IS THE SHIT

  13. Rom says:

    I’d break my cock off in kristens ass though

  14. farty pants says:

    Cool story bro.

  15. Jetpack says:

    Unfriend him. Then he can’t put you in a group. Rudimentary.

    Alternatively, don’t use the service.

    You kids, these days. So stupid.

  16. eda bagodix says:

    Blak is the man we were talking about why he did this.He wanted to make everyone on his friends list communicate in one way or another.and its worked being negative it still worked.

  17. th3 0n3 n 0nly qu33n says:

    i love dat shyt

    th3 0n3 n 0nly qu33n

  18. LordDaveyWhipple says:

    Does this site have an editor? What person with half a brain would think that this blog post was a good idea? Are there a bunch of retarded 19 year olds hanging around saying “No, Gavin, trust us. This is what hip kids like these days.” And Ben Leo needs to just come out and say that he was always blognigger and that he changed his name so that more Ad dollars would come through.

  19. bifartisan says:

    fuck mark zuckerburg and his genius lisp

  20. fe1 says:

    all these howard county niggas

  21. simian says:

    BLAK: Brotherly Laughter, Ass Kickings

    I think BLAK gets my nomination for “the man who started the 2010’s”. This decade is all you, hombre.

  22. aah says:

    just an update… message thread is still going strong. i thought it was annoying at first, but i think i would really miss it if it ever died. kind of like the weird 3 tiered mole i just had removed from my back. waaah.

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