I really wanted to give a thorough rundown of all the ways in which this site is killing me from the inside, and I keep being tempted to go back into the shit swamp with a helmet on so I can research it more thoroughly, but then I get distracted by another embarrassment, like “30 Beta Male Traits You Must Avoid,” and I have to close the browser window like it’s going to spill on me.
That’s you, dawg, three vaginas at once and shit.
I kind of need someone else to go process this website Alpha Male Lifestyle for me. I really wanted to give a thorough rundown of all the ways in which it’s killing me from the inside, and I keep being tempted to go back into the shit swamp with a helmet on so I can research it more thoroughly, but then I get distracted by another embarrassment, like “30 Beta Male Traits You Must Avoid,” and I have to close the browser window like it’s going to spill on me. I feel like I just accidentally came in my own mouth in front of my grandmother. I had to construct one of those toilet paper roll viewing glass things you make to look at an eclipse just to scroll down the sidebar.
It really may be the platonic ideal of The List in web form. Is my mission here done? Have we lost? Is this the holy grail of douchebagdom, the capital of Douchebaghdad, you might call it? Yes. Yes, it is. Here are a few highlights gleaned by alternatively sneaking a quick glance / puking on my own dick.
“6 Ways To Make Your Penis Look And Feel Bigger”
The past few months I have been using Aaron Kemmer’s Exercising the Penis Program. So far I have had some great results. Over the next few weeks I will be writing about how achieved this. In the mean time I recommend trying out his exercising the penis program and get started.
However, before you start exercising your penis, you should carry out the following 6 tips that will make your penis appear bigger straight away. Although your penis will not be physically bigger, this is a good place to start before you begin your penis enlargement exercise programme…
This is by far my favorite bit of advice on that particularly useful job: “Hold in Your Urine: Your penis will inflate if you hold your urine in for long periods of time. You would only do this if you are expecting others to see your penis such as in a changing room.” Naturally.
Lots of great advice in this one, “How to Measure Your Penis,”, although you think he might’ve saved a lot of time by just showing a picture of a ruler — which he also did, mind you, but sandwiched in between a lot of messy words.
So much more to enjoy here: “Dating Mistakes Men Must Avoid On A First Date” or “How To Become Interesting To Women.” Here’s one great pro-tip from the latter: “Having a hobby makes your life more interesting and gives you added value. Hobbies, such as playing an instrument, learning a new language, learning martial arts, running a blog, playing a sport, all intrigue people, especially women. Not only do they make your life more fulfilling but also give you more to discuss. You have the opportunity to meet new people and make friends by taking classes and lessons. It keeps you busy and gives you plenty to talk about.”
“Yeah, I bang around a little bit on the guitar. Oh weird, there’s one right here, let me show you.”
This is such a perfect satire of body-spray manliness that there is literally nothing I can add to make it any lulzier. I think I may have finally found my arch-enemy. Our superpowers automatically cancel each other out. I am left impotent in the richness of his splendor. I wonder if I should be exercising my metaphoric joke blogging dick harder? I bet there’s some advice about that on the site.
Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe guys need to read stuff like this. People are fucking stupid after all. I’ve got a lot to think about — like whether or not I should be writing for Alpha Male Lifestyle instead of my own blog. Good news for anyone else who just had the same thought because they’re looking for help!
Bitches, am I right fellas?
We are looking for regular guest bloggers to publish on our blog and our mailing list.
Our aim is to build an Alpha Male Lifestyle Community sharing everyone’s knowledge and expertise on the topics covered in our blog. If you think this is something you can do, please submit a post at the bottom of this page.
Writing a Post For Us
It is important that your blog post is related to our blog, if it isn’t, we won’t be publishing it. Here is a selection of our most popular topics:
- Dating Advice
- Men’s Health
- Diet and Nutrition
- Sex Advice
- Lifestyle tips
Examples of types of blog posts we love to see:
- Top 10 Ways to Enhance Your Sex Appeal
- Why High Intensity Interval Training Rocks
- 5 Reasons Why You Should Train Your PC Muscle
- Top 20 Beta Male Traits You Must Avoid
Recommended Guidelines For Creating An Article For AlphaMaleLifestyle
- Please make sure that there isn’t a blog post similar to the one your writing for us already on our website.
- English must be your mother tongue, if it isn’t we will notice.
- Please only submit posts that are written by you.
Giving You Credit
We will mention you at the bottom of your blog post along with a link to your website. The better the post the more clicks and long term traffic you will receive.
Is that last bit a reward or a punishment?