Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 01.30.13 12:00 pm

It just got warmer in New York City. Last week it was ten degrees, literally the coldest I’ve ever felt it in forty years of living in New York, and today it’s going to be a balmy Al Gore SIXTY. You know what that means: The weather fluctuates suddenly, and by Friday, 50% of us will have AIDS.

It’s been a horrendous flu season, complete with runs on flu shots (now 60% effective!) and scare-mongering New York Times articles. Whenever the weather shifts like this, though—that’s when I always end up getting the throat-hurt body-ache sneezing shit that science can’t bother to cure.

About fifteen years ago, an old Chinese guy at the Mogwai shop from Gremlins told me about Oscillococcinum.

You puti undo tongue, ee no get sick. I no haff cold in eighty-seven year.

Sounded underground at the time because this shit wasn’t at the counter of every Whole Foods and Gristedes in the city. I took it at the first dick-tingle in my throat, went to sleep, and didn’t get sick.

I DO realize academically that I could have been so hypnotized by the Liberal College Kid’s 1990s honor of having an Chinese man tell me what to do, that even if it had been a sugar pill I could have psyched myself into getting better. However, I have reliably used this shit since then, and if I manage to take it RIGHT at the first dick-tingle, it works. If I wait too long and take it when I’m already sick, it doesn’t work so well, but I always figure that’s on me to get the timing right.

NOW: I’m a scientist. I’m well aware that every scientific source in the universe absolutely mocks this “medication” and all who take it seriously. Check out this scathing shit from Wikipedia, I love it:

The 200CK indicates that the preparation entails a series of 200 dilutions of the starting ingredient, an extract from the heart and liver of a Muscovy Duck.[9] Each step entails a 1:100 dilution, where the first mixture contains 1% of the extract, the second contains 1% of the first mixture, etc.[9] The K indicates that it is prepared by the Korsakovian method, in which rather than 1% of the preparation being measured out at each stage and then diluted, a single vessel is repeatedly emptied, refilled, and vigorously shaken (in homeopathic terminology "succussed"), and it is assumed that 1% remains in the vessel each time.[11] The 200C dilution is so extreme that the final pill contains none of the original material.[9][12] Mathematically, in order to have a reasonable chance to obtain one molecule of the original extract, the patient would have to consume an amount of the remedy roughly 10321 times the number of atoms in the observable universe.

Haha! I love it. Another good one:

There is no scientific evidence that Oscillococcinum has any effect beyond placebo. None of its active ingredient is present in a dose of the final product, nor is there any credible evidence that duck liver is effective in relieving flu symptoms in the first place. Homeopaths claim the diluted molecules leave an "imprint" in the remedy, but there is no known mechanism for how this could occur.

NO active ingredient! Even the manufacturer only claims there’s an “imprint” of the duck liver potion, like an “aura” of a medication that didn’t work in the first place.

And finally:

Oscillococcinum is generally considered harmless. When Boiron's spokeswoman Gina Casey was asked if a product made from the heart and liver of a duck was safe, she replied: "Of course it is safe. There's nothing in it."

I still spend $17.00 a box on this shit because it WORKS.

There’s a comment box below: I think you know what to call me.

  1. nacirema says:


  2. Chapter After says:

    I’m in the wrong business.

  3. UGH says:

    YOU make me sick

  4. Jucifer says:

    Homeopathy actually works. If you think science understands everything I feel sorry for yor motha

  5. brochacho says:


  6. Lamers says:

    I just make pate.

  7. Sniffy says:

    The Mighty Ducks.

  8. “Now 60% effective.”

  9. Ecgtheow says:

    So you’re telling me there’s a chance.

  10. Laslow says:

    Works at doing nothing

  11. just a cunt hair away says:

    your writing has degraded to simplistic home remedy b.s. that underscore your newfound life as daddy daycare. what’s more, you now end every “piece” with a sign off that at once indicates 1) that you don’t care what people say, and 2) know that no one can possibly understand where you’re coming from, both in effect to absolve you of your shitty writing. the unfortunate part is that you were once, and for a long time, the best writer on here.
    ps- go ahead and talk smack about me and my world.

  12. gullible fag is gullible says:

    great argument jucifer. really makes a compelling argument. i have some magic beans that work great for me, along with prayer to St. Jude. IT WORKS!!!
    We don’t know everything about medicine, just like filling in the blanks on evolution and the beginnings of the universe may never be accomplished. That doesn’t make the story of Creation is automatically true. If you’d like to show us how homeopathy actually works, the class it waiting….

  13. Dr. Cupcake No-Pay M.D. says:

    I got a pack of cake decorating sprinkles for a dollar, I’m sorry I mean homeopathic remedies, oops I mean cake sprinkles that fell in some very weak dog pee. But it’s all good, I dried them out for ya.

  14. Courtney says:

    AMAZING. repping the homepaths. LOVE IT!

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