John Dillinger enjoyed his 13-inch penis until the coppers filled him full of lead.
College sucks. Granted, I’m basically being paid to do it and I’ve managed to sleep with a different woman every semester, but I still have to study.
I dig hotels, so I figured a hotel-management degree would be a good fit. But like most people, every so often I’ll ask myself, “Is this really what the fuck I want to do with my life?”
As much as I love hotels, I can think of a few other careers that would be a dream situation. Here’s my top ten:
10. Fashion photographer. Women love two things other than money: fashion and having their picture taken. This is why Instagram is so popular, because now every ordinary woman with an iPhone thinks she’s a fashion queen. But that’s not the point. The real perk to this job is that it’s not a real job at all and you get to fuck beautiful women constantly. Terry Richardson is a prime example of this. Plus I’m guessing he does very well for himself financially and even if he isn’t a millionaire by now, who gives a shit? This career is all about pussy.
Three reasons to be a fashion photographer: 1. Hang out with beautiful women. 2. Fuck beautiful women. 3. Be ridiculously overpaid.
9. Magazine co-founder. Sure, deadlines suck and I’m guessing trying to sell ad space is a bitch, but fuck it. Can you imagine being able to publish whatever the hell you wanted? Go read How to Piss in Public and try not to be jealous. You can’t. Plus if you’re great at writing interesting material, huge success will follow.
Three reasons to run your own magazine: 1. Write what you want. 2. Influence your readers. 3. Party your ass off.
8. Professional free surfer. I’ve had the pleasure of winning surfing contests. I’ve had sponsorship deals and gotten free clothes/shoes/etc. It’s a great gig. Plus girls want to fuck you, but the real dream is to be so freakishly talented that you don’t even have to do surf contests. Companies sign athletes such as Dane Reynolds (pictured) to million-dollar contracts, and his only job is to travel the world free-surfing in exotic locations and filming video parts. When you’re this marketable, any C.E.O. with a brain will invest in your lifestyle. Quiksilver and Vans pay this man handsomely.
Three reasons to be a professional free surfer: 1. Live in the ocean. 2. Travel the world. 3. Never pay for clothing again.
7. Horror writer. This is a rad career because people think you’re all weird and shit. Plus almost everything you write turns into a movie deal at some point, and the writer remains the true hero because the book is always better than the movie. (Only stupid people argue that.) To be able to fuck with someone’s imagination and scare the living shit out of them is top-notch shit. A person never feels more alive than when they’re freaking the fuck out and too terrified to get out of bed & walk to the bathroom.
Three reasons to be a horror writer: 1. Be responsible for millions of nightmares. 2. Have sex with crazy kinky fans. 3. Watch the reactions when people ask what you do for a living.
6. Career criminal. I assume most men are like myself and hold a very special place in their heart for career criminals such as John Dillinger. Robbing banks is the illest crime ever and this dude did it right. He never killed anyone. As much as I love the mob, there’s entirely too much murdering and everyone is basically borderline retarded. It takes brains to stick up a bank, let alone dozens of them. Unfortunately he was ultimately set up by a woman and murdered (the woman in red.) But believe it or not, people get away with robbing banks all the time. Bless them.
Three reasons to be a career criminal: 1. Count stacks of cash. 2. Say cool shit to female bank tellers that they’ll remember for the rest of their lives. 3. Be what every man wishes he was.
5. Monster truck driver. Maybe I’m white trash, but goddamn does this shit look fun. How can you be a man who loves pussy and not want to drive one of these things? Jumping over RVs and smashing cars. Are you kidding? I’m all for mayonnaise/bacon sandwiches and drinking Budweiser. I’m only missing the truck at this point.
Three reasons to be a monster truck driver: 1. Fuck shit up. 2. Fuck trashy white girls with crimped hair. 3. Park your monster truck in the front lawn.
4. Stand-up comedian. I wish it were me with stories of my mother walking into the bathroom to find a turd in the tub and me on the floor, bleeding from the head and a G.I. Joe stuck halfway up my ass. If you’ve ever seen Eddie Murphy’s Delirious, then you know what I’m talking about. This job kills.
Three reasons to be a stand-up comedian: 1. Work for 10 minutes a night. 2. Make people piss themselves from laughing so hard. 3. Be good enough and get your own hit TV show (Louie).
3. Screenwriter. This job is tits because you get to play God. Your characters can do whatever you wish, have special powers, exist in the future, past, present, whatever. You control everything—their every word. Plus you get to eventually watch your entire story being played out on the big screen. Of course nobody knows who the fuck you are, but this career is all about creativity.
Three reasons to be a screenwriter: 1. Sleep in every day. 2. Make up interesting stories. 3. Make millions of dollars.
2. Private investigator. Ha-ha! Look at that shit! I drive a BMW and if a chick ever did this to my car, I’d cut her hair off. Private eyes are cool because they get to spy on people and bust them for being shitty humans. Plus who the hell knows? Maybe one day a big-time cartoon executive hires you to investigate rumors that Jessica Rabbit is cheating on her husband, and you end up in this crazy fucking cartoon land and Betty Boop gives you a blowjob.
Three reasons to be a private dick: 1. Investigate shit. 2. Carry a gun. 3. Be a functioning alcoholic.
1. Actor. Money, fame, pussy—this is the ultimate dream career. Granted, you can’t go grocery shopping without causing a scene, but you have a private chef anyway and assistants to do that shit for you. Your only job is to sit in a movie trailer somewhere butt-fucking three different chicks until it’s time to go stand in front of a camera for two minutes. Then hit repeat until the next shot is set up. Plus your entire life is like a movie anyway, because people are constantly staring at you.
Three reasons to be an actor: 1. Play interesting characters. 2. Meet interesting people. 3. Free tickets to everything.
Did your dream job not make the list? I somehow forgot about the whole rock-star thing, but the good ones die anyway.