Posted by
John Pittsley
• 01.25.17 04:01 pm


Dealing with depression can be a very difficult thing for people to handle, particularly young men. I don’t know why but there’s just something about having a dick and crying in public that makes a person into a pussy. This tends to be one of the worst things possible for a dude, especially if he recently got out of a relationship and is trying to find some new trim.

Apparently, the best way to avoid this from happening is to just be a man and act tough but sometimes, a guy’s feelings get hurt like a little baby and he never knows when he’ll cry like one. A lot of people think when this happens a dude needs to keep his mind off things by getting out and staying busy. This can be a difficult thing to do however as a broken heart is a heavy heart and trying to do a bunch of shit while carrying some heavy baggage can be a major pain in the ass. Getting caught crying in public is only going to add to a dude’s depression, anyways. So, it only makes sense that a guy lock himself away from the public eye and focus on being happy again before he exposes himself to the world. He can’t just lock himself in a room and wait, though. That’d be crazy. He has to at least put some effort in.

When a man has isolated himself from the rest of the world, it can get kind of lonely. A lot of times, friends will try to show how great they are by coming over and trying to cheer a dude up. Having some happy little asshole all up in one’s face isn’t always the greatest thing in the world for a guy who’s down in the dumps, though. All a depressed person usually needs is someone to commiserate with, not some perky little prick trying to drag them out to do annoying activities. But it can feel kind of silly for an adult to talk about their problems with someone else. I mean, that shit is for fags. A great route to go instead is finding someone who’s doing even worse. That way, there’s no chance of becoming embarrassed or even more depressed. Spending only an hour or two with some schmuck, whose life is falling apart, can really help a guy put his life into perspective. Often times, hanging out with a human Eeyore will give a dude the push he needs to quit being such a pussy and get back to being his regular self too. Interacting with other real live human beings in person can be a tad bit overwhelming for some sad wittle puppies. For those individuals, an artificial companion may just be what the doctor ordered.

It can get pretty fucking boring when someone has hidden themselves away from everyone else. There’s always books to read and crossword puzzles to do but when a person is basically on suicide watch, they’re typically a lazy piece of shit too. So, watching TV or Netflix is usually the way to go. But even that shit can get boring after a while. Besides, when a dude is depressed he needs to focus on loving himself and jerking off is the perfect way to do that.

Normally, it’s best to treat jerking off like draining the lizard or taking a dump. You just want to get it over with. The only reason you’re really doing it is so you don’t blow your load too quick. When you’re alone and learning to love yourself again, you need to do more than that. You can’t just crank one out before hoppin’ in the shower. If you do that, you’ll just go right back to crying. That’s gonna turn your shower into a marathon and you’ll be late for work. When a dude is depressed, he should treat is wank sessions like a middle aged divorcée’s. He needs to queue up some boner-inducing videos, filled with chicks who look nothing like his old skank. Maybe drop some decent change on a Pocket Pussy or real lube, not just some moisturizer, and really spend some time getting involved with the whole process. You know, take the time getting to know one’s self again.

After a while, a person will even get tired of “abusing” themselves and decide it’s time to spread their wings and fly. Flying isn’t the safest thing in the world and only crazies or people on PCP think they can actually do that shit. Consuming alcohol certainly helps calm one’s nerves and gives them the confidence to do things they wouldn’t normally do. It doesn’t just help with doing stupid shit, drinking a bunch of booze can bring thoughts from the back of their mind up to the surface. After downing a bottle of Fireball, a person will come up with ideas they never knew they had. Maybe they’ll realize they should go into that guy’s work, who embarrassed them in front of everyone, and challenge him to a fight. Or, go over to their ex’s place and scream lyrics from what they thought were some of her favorite songs. Whatever it is, it’ll help get some things of a dude’s mind. Being drunk does make some people a little more prone to crying and that is what we’re trying to avoid but when a person is absolutely hammered all the time, they really don’t give a fuck.

These tricks don’t always work and dealing with depression can take a while. It’s important to keep your eye on the prize and remember everything is temporary. Then again, there is always suicide and there are tons of fun and original ways to do that.


  1. IPSO FACTO says:


    “After downing a bottle of Fireball, a person will come up with ideas they never knew they had.”

    Fireball? No man drinks candied pussy ass garbage like that at an even gayer price point. You null and voided this blurb of shit on that. You might want to turn the gun on yourself for the bad advice and even lackluster narrative of what a man drinks. Then again your gun would have a “bang” flag at the end of it ya wiener.

  2. Punchanazi says:

    I assume this article is in response to you all being depressed about your internet boyfriend getting punched. Twice. By white people. Poor babies.

  3. How'd You Do in Math, Eh? says:

    Pittsley’s like Adam Sandler doing that “wacky” Thanksgiving song voice from ’92 today and thinking it’s still funny.

  4. The New Romantic says:

    “I don’t know why but there’s just something about having a dick and crying in public that makes a person into a pussy. This tends to be one of the worst things possible for a dude, especially if he recently got out of a relationship and is trying to find some new trim.”
    Wow, you’re alone??? How did you ever be in a place where you were WITH someone?

  5. Ghetto Defendant says:

    Stop dropping acid to Joy Division and New Order records, fruity…

  6. Ground Control To My Big Dong says:

    My theory is Morrissey’s maudlin lyrics weren’t meant to be taken seriously. Pittsley, It Was Really Nothing.

  7. OogaBooga says:

    From 2007:
    ***Morrissey has made an unexpected and to some of his fans a thoroughly unwelcome contribution to Britain’s loaded immigration debate. The musician has delivered a swingeing attack on what he perceives to be Britain’s encroaching multiculturalism and the loss of national identity.

    “England is a memory now,” he says, in an interview with the NME published yesterday. “The gates are flooded and anybody can have access to England and join in.”

    He goes on: “Although I don’t have anything against people from other countries, the higher the influx into England the more the British identity disappears. So the price is enormous. Travel to England and you have no idea where you are. It matters because the British identity is very attractive. I grew up into it and I find it very quaint and amusing. Other countries have held on to their basic identity, yet it seems to me that England was thrown away.

    “You can’t say, ‘Everybody come into my house, sit on the bed, have what you like, do what you like.’ It wouldn’t work.”

    Morrissey, 48, whose parents were Irish Catholic immigrants to Manchester, left Dublin a decade ago to set up home in Los Angeles. He now lives in Rome. He denied his remarks could be interpreted as being racist or xenophobic. “Whatever England is now, it’s not what it was and it’s lamentable that we’ve lost so much,” he said.***

  8. OogaBooga says:

    Hey, Punchanazi, I’m not depressed. The punching of Spencer for exercising his 1st Amendment rights sends a strong, clear message that anyone who says mean stuff deserves to be punched in the face. Is it now open season on every black clown in a bow-tie representing Farrakhan, every right-wing Zionist, and even Muslims? (Cuz, you know, some of them say really mean stuff about gays and women.) If so, social justice rules!

  9. Finkle says:

    That’s it we’ve synced

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