Posted by
Jesse Andrew
• 08.22.12 07:00 am


I’ve been watching a lot of Disappeared, a TV series that documents missing-persons cases, and one thing is abundantly clear: Ugly girls don’t disappear.

In fact, ugly girls got it good! If you’re a homely chick, you should be thanking your lumpy ass because without it you wouldn’t be able to walk down the street for two blocks without being scooped up, boned down, and your body fed to alligators. (I believe this is what happened to Brittanee Drexel after watching her Disappeared episode.)

Show after show, it was always an attractive female disappearing and never once some dumpy bitch with a gut. Monsters hold no interest in raping/murdering a chick with a nose like Adrien Brody or anything resembling the offspring of Bruce Willis. Why the hell would they? If you’re going to risk the chance of being put to death or spending the rest of your life behind bars, it’s not going to be for a 3. It’s nothing but 9s or higher. I once got physical with a woman and I can honestly say if that chick would have been a 2, I probably wouldn’t have touched her. But the fact she was slammin’ hot, I felt the urge to shove that little bitch down on the cushy nice sofa before resorting back to my bedroom in order to wait patiently for make-up sex. If she was ugly, I would have just kicked her ass out.

It’s true. Ugly girls don’t disappear. If you have a pretty daughter or a railed-out 10 for a girlfriend, you need to keep tabs on that person 24-7 before it’s too late. With that being said, I have a few tips for both 2s and 10s.

 

Pretty girls:

1. Never walk anywhere alone. Ever. Under no circumstances what-so-ever, don’t do it. Some skeevy perv will have you tied up and your shorts down before you can say, “Ugh.”

2. Never get wasted. Sorry ladies, you’re too hot & stupid for booze. You’ll only decide to hang back with a dude you just met or finally fuck the married man who doesn’t love you one-sixth as much as you adore him. The body will never be found.

3. No summer jobs. This is just asking for it. Be broke instead. Wear the same old shit, borrow clothes, shop at Goodwill, it’s summer, fuck working. Taking a barista job or a retail gig at Old Navy is basically like putting one foot in the grave. Dudes that kill women hunt down these places.

4. Never step foot in Mexico. A beautiful woman has no business in Mexico. Period.

 

Ugly girls:

1. Do whatever—you’re safe! Get fucked up, travel alone, meet dudes from the Internet, hitchhike, pass out in public, have sex with everyone. Monsters are snobby and only prey on the pretty. This is your free meal ticket to act as you please. Let’s party, booger!

 

—JESSE ANDREW

 

 


Comments
  1. Mick Jagger says:

    “Ugly girls don’t disappear.”

    You know why???

    ‘Cause you cain’t always get whatcha want!

  2. No lie, I’ve told myself that very thing my whole life:

    http://takimag.com/article/the_consolations_of_ugliness#axzz24Guo86Rf

    PS: also don’t go out on or around your birthday because that’s when people always seem to get into car accidents, at least if you watch the local news.

  3. Schmozzy Schmozbourne says:

    It’s Bobby “Blitzkrieg” Ellsworth!


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