Posted by
Jim Goad
• 02.13.14 08:00 am

Me at 52. Fuck you Mom, Dad, and all the priests, nuns, and kids from high school.

Anyone else have a habit of cruising Facebook for photos of people who were unkind to you in high school?

Do you ever try to determine if you could kick the shit out of them now? I’ve been doing it lately, and in almost every instance, the answer is “Yes.”

The only one who could still take me in a fight was always nice to me, anyway. Still, I intend to work out harder so I can also kick his ass.

I grew up in Delaware County, PA right outside of Philadelphia. There’s something unabashedly crass about the whole area that I love, but it’s a style vacuum. A couple years ago, Philly won the award for the country’s ugliest people two years in a row. This is why:

Just about everyone I went to high school with has congealed into a fat shiftless blob. The stud on the left there, if memory serves, was the only guy in our high school’s history to knock up a girl while still in high school. I don’t know if the woman on the right is the girl in question. I suppose I’d have to peel away about 20,000 cheese steaks and 100,000 TastyKakes before arriving at a conclusion. But the dude also caused a bit of a stir when he transferred to our high school because he was Polish. Since all we knew were Micks and Dagos, he seemed so exotic to us. But I never had beef with him, so kicking his ass isn’t an issue, although it’d be easy.

With rare exceptions, it doesn’t seem like any of these scrappleheads I knew from high school have so much as left the state of Pennsylvania since graduation. I remember revisiting my ‘hood of origin in 1995 and finding that a kid I’d gone to school with had left the nest…and moved NEXT DOOR to his parents. That was pretty much the extent of adventurousness and upward mobility where I’m from—you move next door to your parents and embark upon a new life.

This guy is a year older than me, but this picture was taken in 2011, so he’s younger here than I am now:

In his defense, he was always highly intelligent and polite, so kicking his ass isn’t even an issue. I figured he was going to become a priest, but maybe he got cold feet.

I also dug up a picture of my father standing next to me at the Grand Canyon in 1971. In this pic, he’s two years younger than I am now:

They were so cruel to me. For a while there, they forced me to grow a tree out of my head.


Fuck you, Dad. I win. Nice socks, asshole.

In short, I don’t see the point in using Facebook to find new friends, nor to reconnect with old ones. Obviously the only mentally healthy way to use the site is to indulge in violent fantasies against people you haven’t seen since the 1970s.


  1. Joey says:

    That was great!
    Jim, did you send those nice folks a link to this article?

  2. TaylorVille says:

    I use facebook for a similar but different purpose. I love to “perv” all the women from my high school days who rebuked my teen-aged love. While I wasn’t a social outcast, I wasn’t the surfer dude stud of the year. I like to imagine getting them back to a hotel room, stripping of their clothes and then saying… nope, you’re too fat, saggy, droopy for me.

    On the other hand, there are a few ladies who still remain hotter than a 4th of July campfire. I have other plans for them.

    And, I bet I could have kicked your ass in 71.

  3. Cocofang says:

    You’re 52? Fuck, you look good for your age. Batshit insane, but good.

  4. Old Head says:

    Yeah you look great, so young, so virile. Olay?

  5. Keith E Lee says:

    By the time someone turns 50 you can really tell how well they’ve taken care of themselves.

    I used to work at a company where the average age was 50, and you could stand two guys next to each other and there might appear to be an age difference of 10 to 15 years.

  6. Neutron Hammer says:

    The great thing about having had Facebook since I was a freshman in college is that I’ve been able to watch these people decay over the last nine years. My high school class has either gotten knocked up or gone to jail and it has been an absolute joy to watch.

  7. Dan Fortune says:

    I used Assbook for the same thing before I deleted it. I’m almost forty, and so many of the people I knew in the past look like 1) sad clowns trying to look young by dressing like hipsters 2) bloated future diabetics or 3) junkies.

  8. Alec Leamas says:

    “But the dude also caused a bit of a stir when he transferred to our high school because he was Polish. Since all we knew were Micks and Dagos, he seemed so exotic to us.”

    Pollacks make great offensive linemen. Bet it was your HS football coach that found a reason for him to transfer.

    I’m from NE Philadelphia, so lots of people I went to school with still don’t have the internet. If I want to feel good about myself, there’s a few corner tappys I’d have to hit.

  9. Alec Leamas says:

    You look younger than your Dad because his job was probably stressful as fuck and he was responsible for your mother and siblings (whom he’d have rather let starve than receive welfare benefits like a jigaboo), so every day was life and death. Also, in his youth through his mid-thirties they thought bacon, egg yolks and cigarettes were good for you, while lettuce made you a cumsucking faggot and combat was good experience for “the real world.” Men – they don’t make ’em like that anymore.

  10. Zippy says:

    High school sucked. I like to look at the class reunion pictures and congratulate myself that I never bothered to stay in touch with those people. :)

  11. Anonymous says:

    you look very good for your age…but let bygones be bygones.

    high school was probably awful for everyone.

    i had a little group of friends but, even amongst them, i was so quiet, moody and odd. the whole set-up and dynamics that made up a public high school (at least back then, maybe things have changed?) just seemed like this horrifying idea that somebody came up with at the height of a barkingly insane fit. a cruel, strange idea that consisted of kids never being allowed to be themselves, never let one authentic dream escape, lest some sad teacher have a go at them.

    thank god at least i wasn’t a guy and subjected to massive group showers after gym. i can’t imagine what the smaller guys went through, though i heard some horrible stories. i had one obviously gay friend in high school. i still feel badly, remembering what he said they did to him on a near-daily basis as he tried to make his way to classes unnoticed.

  12. Lucky Pier says:

    i’m NOT GAY.

  13. Atlas Puked says:

    I used to be huge fan of revenge fantasies; having been adopted, I am not a big fan of my Vietnam vet father either that had a complete set of uppers by the age of 30 being in bar fights. I have no problem fighting about things, I usually choose not to, because it’s just not fuckin worth it. Besides, I look back on the inbred Scandinavians I grew up with in northern Wisconsin. It’d be like yelling at a farm animal or bitch slapping a thermos. What fuckin difference would it make? So long as they live their miserable lives away from mine, I’m fine with that.

  14. raymi says:

    My elem school bestie/mean girl/bully and I became friends on FB years ago but she disappeared because she did not age pretty enough + guilt. We were going to meet but she chickened out, also never apologized for her shit that I have never legit outed her for doing to me. I feel like finding her now thx to this. Ps you look great for 52. Everyone else from my past on FB is dumpy now and the nerds got hot. Love it. Always leverage Facebook and dump everything onto it because every 5 minutes of online life is spent there, it dominates because it was created by “our” generation and we are the new baby boomers holding on for dear life.

  15. alvin ailey dancer says:

    i was hoping certain people would get aids but they only stayed fat and ugly.

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