Posted by
Jesse Andrew
• 01.16.13 09:00 am


When I was thirteen, I constructed an artificial vagina using an empty toilet paper roll and a soft piece of red silk.

My mother had purchased the feathery material for another one of her unfinished sewing projects. She had planned to make it into a tablecloth or maybe a scarf, but in my imagination it would be better suited as the insides of a woman’s vagina. Mom worked nights and I was left to my own devices. This usually meant lighting shit on fire, smoking cigarettes, or throwing rocks at cars, but on this night I was feeling a bit peculiar.

I had to know! What does a vagina really feel like? What does sex feel like?!! I CAN’T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE!!! I stormed through our tiny beach apartment searching in every direction as if I might find an actual vagina behind a couch cushion or maybe under the stove. I ripped through the cleaning sponges under the sink. Finding nothing, I jumped up and kicked the cabinet doors shut.

Fuck!

My imagination was on the right track; I just wasn’t looking in the right places. Temporarily giving up on this project, I made a beeline for my bedroom where I had a crude VHS porno stashed in my closet. I needed to get off quick. I needed to see a real-life vagina.

While racing through the living room and still shouting in frustration, I caught the red silk in my peripheral vision. Everything stopped. I calmed down. I made my way over to my mother’s sewing table and took the red silk in my hand.

Vagina!

I put the soft cloth to my right cheek as if silently apologizing for what I planned to do to it. Now that I had the inner workings of my woman of the night, I just needed a torso. What the hell could I stuff this silk in and then my dick after? I couldn’t just hold the material in my hand and jack off; that wasn’t enough. I needed to feel like I was having sex with something more tangible, something “real” and separate from myself. I needed a body!

And that’s when I saw it. The fat new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. It was soft. It was sensual.

I took the plump new roll of toilet paper and stuffed the red silk inside the cardboard. I had already taken a pair of scissors and snipped off a few pieces of silk about the size of a napkin. This was my vagina. I carefully pinched and pulled at the ends of cloth overflowing from the cardboard roll as if maybe decorating a flower arrangement. I’m an artist and things had to be perfect.

It wasn’t long before I had what appeared to be a woman’s vagina, labia majora and all! It was now or never—time to have sex! I pulled out my shlong and began stroking it while staring down at my wild creation. This feeling quickly disappeared and I was stiff as a broomstick with curiosity of what this might feel like. This is it, Jesse. Today you become a man!

While still standing there in front of the bathroom mirror, I took the toilet-paper vagina in my left hand and used my right hand to guide myself into the cardboard roll. I did this very slowly and so carefully that anyone watching may have thought I was using my dick to defuse a bomb. Actually, it was more like playing the electronic board game Operation and trying not to touch my dick to the outside edge of the roll. The thin silk did nothing to cushion the sharp scratching. Nonetheless, I eventually got myself all the way in and gave the toilet paper roll a nice squeeze.

“Yeah, you love that shit, girl?”

It’s hard not to talk to yourself when standing in front of the mirror. This was most definitely happening and my instincts took over. The only things I knew about sex was anything I could pull from the one VHS porno I had hidden in my closet. According to this tape, I was supposed to violently thrust myself into this toilet paper fake pussy and pull back on its nonexistent blonde hair.

It felt like something was happening.

I was having sex! This was it! Boo-ya! Wait until the kids at school hear about this! I looked at myself in the mirror with great pride and a huge dopey smile stretched across my face. I continued to fuck the soft roll of toilet paper for another five minutes until getting serious. It was time to seal the deal. I clinched my eyes shut and pictured the prettiest girl at school. I imagined the toilet paper roll as her vagina and the soft sides as her butt cheeks. It was working! “The feeling” was coming. I’m getting closer to my orgasm and thrusting myself faster into the toilet paper. This was it!! This was it!!

I blew my tiny load into the cardboard roll and fell back into the bathroom wall exhausted.

I needed a cigarette.

 

—JESSE ANDREW

 


Comments
  1. Ring Kodney says:

    Ferris Bueller you’re my hero.

  2. Lester says:

    in “the Joy of Sex” or one of those books there was a toilet paper roll guy like this.

  3. E says:

    “I put the soft cloth to my right cheek as if silently apologizing for what I planned to do to it”

    Amazing dude.


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