Posted by
Kyria Abrahams
• 11.08.12 07:00 am


It’s gotta be rough to be black and also have voted for Obama because you actually support his policies. It reminds me of the year I stayed completely sober on New Year’s Eve and then called into work to tell them I got food poisoning from bad pork in some Chinese food. It was true, but no one believed me.

“Sober? Suuure. Kyria, listen, you don’t have to come into work today, but you don’t have to lie to us about this.”

To me, the idea that black people voted for Obama just because he’s black is total nonsense. It implies white people have higher standards! Well, of course some black people voted for him just because he’s black. Stupid people vote for stupid reasons because they’re stupid. Such is America.

Did you happen to subject yourself to the fact-free love-in we called a presidential “debate” this year? I’ve gotten more accurate answers from a Cosmo quiz. I get harder facts from a room full of Christians speaking in tongues:

“Hurnurnahnah Jobs For The Middle Class. Hurnurnahnah Big Bird. Leelaleelaleenah Appleton Wisconsin! I ran a Staples! Hallelujah my child, you are HEALED!”

Bottom line: we are all — all of us — black or white — voting on the basis of a good vibe and good hair. Romney had good hair, but Obama had BLACK hair. Win!

For some reason, whenever the presidential debates come on, adults all turn into five-year-olds who think our president is the smartest, strongest man on Earth and he can do anything, even lift the moon! I admit I feel like I’m missing something. It’s like I’m putting on the sunglasses in “They Live” and wondering why no one else can see the lizard people. And I don’t even smoke pot!

In my opinion, even if the most wonderful human being on earth took office, he would still have to work within the confines of existing wars and budgets and Congress and red tape. Everyone will suck. If Jesus Christ came down from heaven, he would make a shitty president. Might as well vote for the black dude.

Four years ago, I voted for Obama and he won. I freely admit that I voted for him because he is black. Hindsight is 20/20. This year, I voted for Gary Johnson and he got 1% of the vote. Fuck, I might as well have voted for a chandelier or a ham sandwich or my cat. In truth, I might as well have voted for the black guy because it’s neat.

Bottom line: our government is a sham and everyone lies. So maybe making a choice based on skin color isn’t really the worst way to pick a president!

Rock the vote! Vote for your favorite skin color! Eye color! Vote for shoe size! There really is no other way to make democracy work.

And now, a word from Twitter, where no one is mentioning race:

unpforgettable pfire ‏@firefire100
White male privilege is a collective mental illness & a black president is intensive therapy.

Alice ‏@alicehanna_
Today a black president re-elected in America and male winner of Aus Big Brother proposed to his boyfriend on live TV. The world’s changing!

Jeremy Wylie ‏@jeremywylie96
Only want obama to stay because he’s black , and the 1st black president of the u.s tbh and the other guy looks like a spare prick

Justin Vick ‏@Justin__Vick
How did I give THE BEST speech to my class about legalizing prostitution yesterday and I got an 80%….like….we have a black president.

BITCH ima K!NG ‏@who_iskendal
Yall see how they brought all berry cereal bak… #Obamanigga

Scream JEREMIAH! ‏@jeremiahKOEking
WIN or LOSE I must say as an African AMERICAN I’m so PROUD of the job our President Barack Obama has DONE! *claps*

OCTOBER28_ ‏@_Pr3tty_KEE
I realized Obama seriously changed more than the black communityas i talk 2 my non colored class mates they r so glad he won

Cυ∂∂у Sтєρн ‏@MiszPiNt
In reference to my last RT Shit like thAt makes me know white people are just mad cause the president is black. BLACK POWER !!! lmaooooo

Danny M ‏@dmal24
Obama scares white people because he’s a reminder that the “well atleast I’m white” comeback is eventually not going to work anymore.

Ky Clair ‏@TurtlingKy
Walked in and got asked if I was mad because Obama won.. All because I’m white.. BITCH I LIKE OBAMA TOO!

She Crave Moore ‏@CraveMoore
You have to vote Obama otherwise your racist. It’s just a fact.

The MRS duh♥ ‏@Nisha_so_Blessd
The people who are oober shitty & downing Obama in my opinion jus mad cause he BLACK! Gonhead and face it your racist! *shrugs*

Jimmy pegram ‏@Jimmymontana44
I feel like if you dont like obama.. Then your racist…

Coco ‏@Style_Me_Prissy
But guess what? Y’all racist ignorant ppl can stay mad because we did it! 4 more years of Obama baby!!

Nequia ‏@Xtr3melyBlessed
All y’all racist bitchs who talkin dat shit jus cus obama n da seat suck a dick n got to hell I’m fuckin pissed

Tivonna Kapri :) ‏@__Tivonnaa
Like Really People Still Mad Obama Won ? Get Over It & Y’all RacistPeople Need To Stop Saying Negative Things About Him -_-

*AfricanBeauty* ‏@msGentille
So what do y’all racist bitches got to say now.. stfu and bow down to your president. #obama

 

 

—KYRIA ABRAHAMS

 


Comments
  1. Anonymous says:

    Nobody wants to hear about politics anymore. The election has been over for a whole day.

    The fact that this is a true statement proves this article is correct.

  2. Claudia says:

    I LOVED this. I really liked the hair swap pics—made my day. I love Obama and all but I do not want to see the “Bride of Chucky” as the first lady. Very SCARY. No seriously Mitt is a total twit! Thanks for making my day.

  3. Mccaf says:

    srsly enuf of the fucking election…mainly because I’m a WHITE
    MALE who didnt (cant actually) vote and I’m pissed to hear that
    BLACK man is running this country so my racism genes are tingling
    outta control

  4. josh dorn says:

    An idiot at work today told me that if Obama doesn’t turn things around, we’ll never have another black president.
    I think Obama should be in prison for treason, but if all the criminals were in prison who would run the country?
    Nice article. Way to call a spade a spade.

  5. jissom jigaboo says:

    It’s pathetic, and in the same vein as the dick sucking hero worship of a sports star

  6. Marilyn Greenwood says:

    From the sound of this piece, you are racist…but in a good way. Which makes my day.


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