I’m not a typical “holiday spirit” kinda hombre, but I whooped it up like a champ on World AIDS Day, and boy am I headachey and fatigued!
While many of you may have celebrated quietly with family, I went out as long as I could, kickin’ it AIDS-style. My notes of the day are brief, mired as I was in the whole AIDS thing. I do hope these tidbits will help you enjoy next year’s AIDS day. Good times!
With the exception of a handful of Bug Chasers, (not that there’s anything wrong with them) nobody likes AIDS. It is entirely reasonable to harbor a strong distaste for AIDS. AIDS, as a thing, is rude. However, since some experts have noted that AIDS is primarily a homosexual-leaning/curious disease, disparaging comments about AIDS could lead both listener and eavesdropper alike to believe that HOMOPHOBIA is afoot. That is precisely the sort of thing I would not let stand, so I did the closest thing to gayness a straight man can do: I openly referred to a long-standing friendship with another straight man as a “bromance.” And what better way to celebrate this bromance than with a bromantic picnic? I packed up sandwiches ‘n’ snacks in a basket (gay!) and invited him off to the park. We chatted, ate tart spoonfuls of brotato salad, and sang a few tunes by Brolivia Newton-John. Feeling well-fed and sassy (gayer!), I bade him brodieu and moved on to get serious and…
…RAISE THE FUCK OUT OF SOME AWARENESS!
This is not the age of cavemen, and only a caveman should be expected to hunt and gather information for himself. It is up to the community to provide information by way of awareness, which leads to knowledge which equals power and power certainly doesn’t need any AIDS in the way, right? RIGHT! So off I went to educate anyone who seemed unaware of the arcane virus, but…most folks carried themselves with a hyperawareness borderlining on cagey paranoia, what with the AIDS blimp and Klaus Nomi heads everywhere. Still, I knew there must be those unaware somewhere in need of care, at life-threatening risk due to never having heard of AIDS and the health problems that tend to come with it. The best I could do was post a crude sign at a recreation center which read, “THERE IS AIDS. IF YOUR IMMUNINE SYSTEM IS NOT PULLING ITS WEIGHT, YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF THIS PUBLIC POOL NOW, BECAUSE AIDS.” I was then shunned by the lifeguard, who, by the looks of him, was the AIDSiest of them all, and he kicked me out. He was probably just doing his job and was lacking awareness, AIDS-wise, so I don’t fault him. The picnic and the awareness-raising had me all pooped-out…tired, even. I scooped up the remainder of my energy and resolve and dumped it into a little something I like to call…
…NOT GETTING AIDS!
Yessir, I managed to spend the better part of a day, a whole ten hours, mind you, without contracting the AIDS virus. I didn’t put anything unfamiliar, human or otherwise, within a stone’s throw of my dick. Nor did I allow the bodily fluids of a stranger near my mouth, butthole, ears, or nostrils. It was a difficult time, but at the end of it all, it was worth it. AIDS and I are on opposite sides of the volleyball court, competing as equals, agreeing to disagree. I hope you take a page out of my book and run with it…have fun and don’t get AIDS! Or cancer! Or shot!