Posted by
• 01.21.10 10:44 am

This is an article written for a much older demo (wait, they’re my age) about how weirdos aren’t weird anymore so fucking shut up about Rudolph not being able to play any reindeer games.

This is an article written for a much older demo (wait, they’re my age) about how weirdos aren’t weird anymore so fucking shut up about Rudolph not being able to play any reindeer games.

We never would have made fun of this guy. Honestly.

“You know, despite it all, it’s still really a miracle America elected a black man as president,” my 60-something neighbor said to me over beers recently. You get this a lot from people born before 1965. Apparently, America is a racist hellhole and the fact that they overcame this deep-seated hatred for blacks to allow one into the White House is physics defied. Um, as far as I can tell, a seemingly smart and in-control Democrat proceeded the most hated Republican president of all time. That’s not a “miracle.” It’s a “normal.”

I get insulted when old people tell me how racist my country is. I understand where they’re coming from, I guess. They grew up with survivors of the Great Depression: grumpy old traditionalists that worked their fingers to the bone in isolation and never tried anything weird. That was then however, so please shut up about it. There is not a gigantic ogre of racism controlling our brains that took time off during the election but rears its ugly head every time we have a problem with, say, unprecedented taxation.

Now, I’m sure you can dig up some redneck who still says “nigger” or half a dozen skinheads in the middle of nowhere but hate crimes are a minuscule percentage of total crimes in America and if you get into per capita, all races get it about equally. I heard some horrible stories about drinking fountains from forever ago and I saw a video where dogs were attacking some dude but that was a different universe than my generation’s America. We don’t care if people aren’t like us anymore. We don’t even get what you’re talking about.

When someone under 40 hears boomer anthems like, “There’s a land where the children are free,” we go, “What the hell is this song about? Where are the children NOT free?” Old people grew up in a climate where nuns gave the strap if you wrote with your left hand and young boys were verboten from going near dolls. Our generation yawns at such superstitious claptrap. If my son turns out to be gay, I will go into a deep depression for about seven minutes and then I’ll get over it. My parents grew up in a world where their parents dry-heaved at the thought of a black man breathing the same air as them. Even the boomers themselves, I’m told, were occasionally mocked for not being exactly like the majority. My American Indian mother-in-law was nicknamed Jungle Bunny in college. Not only do we find that hard to comprehend, we think it’s funny. As Harmony Korine said, “I crack up at the race riots.”

It seems like every children’s book I’m forced to read to my kid is about some freak that everyone learned isn’t a freak after all. We never thought he was a freak in the first place, you ancient babies. If Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer were born today, the other reindeer would high-five him and ask him what reindeer games they think he should play. In my school, the kid with Down Syndrome was the school hero and the football team adopted him as their favorite fan without a trace of irony. The pre-1970 people are unable to grasp this. They created movies like Mask where a boy with craniodiaphyseal dysplasia is mocked for his circus-like disfigurements. Or the show Square Pegs where the quirky, unusual kids were relegated to the bottom rung of the high school hierarchy. In my Secondary Education, all these people would have been rock stars.

The same goes with sexism. Why Men Earn More pointed out the obvious error with assuming women get paid less for the same work, namely: Why wouldn’t corporations hire them in droves? They’re cheap labor, right? Turns out they earn less because they tend to be more committed to family events than staying up all night preparing proposals. In other words, they choose to earn less. After waves of famine, a great depression, and a free-for-all orgy of whining, we’ve figured a lot of it out and the old wives’ tales no longer make any sense to us.

We are the information generation. We know you’re born gay and there’s nothing you can do about it. We Googled it. We know women can be just as capable at any job and we hire accordingly. We know freaks are not cursed by the almighty but just statistical inevitablilites. We are way too well-adjusted to push someone out of our life just because they don’t meet some strange parameters someone else invented, so please stop doing a spit take when we don’t behave exactly like our grandfathers.


  1. hear hear says:

    what he said.

  2. HONKANAL says:

    You, my friend, obviously did not grow up in some hillbilly shithole like Indiana or Arkansas, where being ‘different’ can still land you a starring role in ‘getting the shit kicked out of you’.

  3. unclaimed smegma says:

    We’re all very glad you’re so well adjusted. Your self-regard is bracing in it’s total lack of depth.

    Having said that, I think you’ll find that most people (even you!) are still freaked out by something or other. Truthfully, you and your sense of humor would kind of be out of a job if that weren’t true.

    If you think you’re not racist (though I’m pretty sure you would never say that), you’re probably lying to yourself, and that’s OK, because it’s a tough thing to face about yourself. But the sooner you acknowledge it, the better you’ll be able to avoid a Michael Richards’ style freak-out when you get stressed. (

    We’ve made a lot of progress as humans, but we’re nowhere near a place where we can just blithely say, “All that crap? Old hat. War’s over. We won.” We haven’t won, mostly because we’re social animals with an inherent tendency to create hierarchies. It’s not a bad thing – I personally believe that there are many people we could live without on this planet, but I apparently don’t get to choose – but it can be problematic when it gets out of hand.

  4. BJ says:

    “an inherent tendency to create hierarchies”

    How about – we realize these hierarchies naturally exist and we could give a shit. We know generalizations about entire groups are often completely valid. We just don’t judge the individual on it when we meet him. Mostly because we don’t want to deprive ourself a good time. We recognize that most mass murderers are white but when we meet a white guy we give him the benefit of the doubt. He might end up being a best friend.

  5. dope on a rope says:

    So, the construction of social hierarchies is “human nature”? Somebody skipped philosophy class

  6. BJ says:

    I know this is a bitter pill to swallow but some people are smarter and stronger and more tenacious than others. It’s not all old money and back room handshakes. That’s why lottery winners tend to be miserable and broke in five years. The cream isn’t forced to the top. It rises there.

  7. Anonymous says:

    this is obv a joke post.

    or written by a sheltered ignoramus.

    either or, whitestick.

  8. the realist says:

    rocky dennis had a heart of gold

  9. grimey says:

    succeeded, not proceed (precede)

  10. grimey says:

    don’t worry i still think of you as the plucky inspiration for my football team

  11. so true in ways that aren’t even gay. cheers

  12. Drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    Seems like you guys have taken a lot of classes.

  13. Kennedy says:

    Yeah, this is totally true, Gavin is on the money once again. BUT… one time my friend Scott was high and he looked at this guy Doug who is bald and a little chubby and said, “Doug, you look like a cheeseburger walrus.” It was the best stoned description of Doug ever.

  14. JSW says:

    Can you get Paul Gottfried to start writing articles here, as some sort of exchange?

  15. evans says:

    i love when lucky white people decide racism is done

  16. D says:

    I thought about something similar the other day when I was channel surfing and came across Rocky. I hadn’t seen it since I was a kid and used to think of Rocky as some guy who was good at boxing. Seeing it now and having spent some years growing up in a country where we are taught to notice irregularities in people so that we can treat them specially, I couldn’t but notice that Rocky has a pretty serious fucking case of autism or something. That movie used to be about a down on his luck dude who gets challenged by the champ. Now that movie is about a really good boxer who decides he will test his boxing prowess by going up against someone with retard strength.

  17. For REal says:

    I don’t care about haiti. I think I’m actually enjoying it. I just really really really don’t like haitians. I’m keeping racism alive I guess.

  18. lorge says:

    YOU think its funny that your mother in law got racist insults when she was young. I don’t think she or most honest people would look back on such things as fun.

    You’re wasting your time writing a screed every week attacking some alleged politically correct entity that is just as much a straw man as the “six skinheads in the middle of nowhere.”

  19. Tumor says:

    Gee Gavin, I’m sure all the normal, rich, white kids enrolled in private schools in multicultural cities agree with you.

  20. Bone_Isstrack says:

    Wow, Rocky Dennis has a good singing voice…

  21. Your Dad says:

    Elton John looks exactly %100 like the lesbian principal of an alternative middle school.

  22. Salad says:

    I agree with this.

    But feel weirdly like this is some sort of joke that I shouldn’t be agreeing with.

  23. Radtooth says:

    I refuse to adhere to the musings of anyone who quotes Harmonie Korine.

  24. rob-omb says:

    I worked for a metal fabrication company during the previous election, just outside of Chicago, Obama’s ‘hometown’. Almost no one there voted for him, and it was almost purely based on his race. And these were people of the 25-40 demographic mostly. And anyone who thinks racism is done hasn’t traveled closely more than 60 miles outside of a major city just about anywhere in the country. Try Kentuckyana. Whoo, boy….

  25. alex says:

    Kinda hope these recent earnest-libertarian-stream-of-consciousness-posts isn’t a new direction you’re taking this site in.

  26. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    I think Gavin was just hoping to get called a big-city elitist type.

  27. Vane$$a says:

    @ rob-omb

    Maybe those guys aren’t racist so much as they have a realistic understanding of Obama’s senatorial kingdom. Have you ventured into the south side? It’s possibly the worst pile of garbage in America. It’s Brazil with basketballs. Why would you want the overseer of that cesspool taking charge of the entire ship? You’d have to be a fucking moron. That glorified pip-squeek slumlord knows nothing about engineering high standards of quality living. Fuck him and the rusty ’89 Blazer with $5000 rims he rode in on. And really, if you think that Kentucky is a bassackwards billhilly rat fuck, try the south side of Chicago my friend. Kentucky is Da Vinci’s lab compared to that taint.

    By the way, you should really consider changing the name of this site to racebaitingyellowjournalism dot com. It’s seems more…honest.

  28. Danny Ramirez says:

    As “Tumor” and “rob-omb” have pointed out, the fundamental flaw of this article is that Gavin thinks he’s speaking for everybody, but he’s really only speaking for everybody he knows. Moving from Montreal to New York City doesn’t exactly qualify you to speak for the rest of a country, and especially not for an entire fucking generation.

    I work at a public school in the inner city of a state in the Midwest, and let me tell you something, Rocky Dennis would be *viciously* mocked by my students. And I’m not talking about anonymously on a Do & Don’t fashion website like the rest of you pussies, I’m talking about to his face. They openly dislike other races, and the only people who are as homophobic as right-wing Christians are poor black people.

    This post is so myopic I’m honestly embarrassed for Gavin. For all his travels, he has absolutely no idea what the rest of the world is like.

  29. loosejuice says:

    I feel like there’s a joke here but I don’t get what it is.

    Is Gavin playing a character? “Oh it’s hilarious, guys, he lives in one of world’s largest cities and doesn’t understand how real people are!”

  30. no.thanks. says:

    man, you guys are a bunch of faggotbags.

    i think i “got” the article, took a shit at 11am, had a donut at 12 and stopped thinking about it as soon as i read the last word.

  31. Vane$$a says:

    @ danny ramirez

    rob-omb was speaking for the metal fabricators of Chicago, a group of shitheads that I was once a part of. in the process, he simplified them in a ridiculous, racist way. at a certain point accusing people of being racist becomes racist AND classist in and of itself. it’s nothing more than the standard fall back position for liberal soft twats who have been given one too many mental wedgies by their working-class betters. “They’re racist.” You shaddup rummy before I put yer goods on a band-saw. :) (just so you know I’m childrenin’)

  32. stoops says:

    some girls are bigger than others, some girls are bigger than others…some
    girls’ mothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers…

  33. Seth Phalogia says:

    i get it gavin, you’ve gone up a tax bracket. go blow glenn beck or john stossel for some airtime before stooping to insulting haitians and belittling the legacy of american racism just to troll some comments.

    i’m so liberal i actually do want to move to France/Sweden/somewhere with no country music, and i still say nigger all the time you canuck. wake up white people

  34. Billy Cox says:

    we elected a retard to prom king at my highschool not because it was funny, but because he was a funny kid that would sing songs and dance for us at lunch and we thought it’d be something nice to do for him. one time he even pulled his weiner out in lunch for laughs.

  35. blogderogatorytermforanasian says:

    Anybody who thinks America is really racist has never been to any other country. Is America racist? Yes. But compared to any other country on earth, it’s a fucking multiracial orgy. FACT

  36. Anonymous says:

    @billy cox: true story? or was that an allegory used to illustrate the reasoning behind the election of obama by this country’s citizens?

  37. OPEN YOUR EYES says:



  38. BJ says:

    Funny that “Open your eyes” got the wrong turd.

  39. Billy Cox says:

    @ Anonymous. No I didn’t look that deep into the metaphor and yea its a true story. Piper Highschool Sunrise, FL prom king 2003 was this retarded kid name Nicholas and the prom queen was Julie F. i was referring to gavin’s comment that a tard was the football teams buddy etc etc. and that we’re beyond giving a fuck if someones a retard or black or gay or whatever.

    i think the only reason a black guy got elected was a perfect storm. 8 years of a republican everyone despised, a democrat for SURE was going to get elected. what better time to front the black dude as a candidate to make sure he gets in, and running him against two idiots. not that i mind a black guy is prez, but id rather him not be a democrat

  40. ZOGISTAN says:

    Few people still own their racism, since it means they get lumped in with inbred trash, instead of inbred aristocrats. Back when they had slaves, racism was considered a leadership quality. Now that people get paid to work, racism is just protecting the less qualified racists. Social Darwinism theories can assist in understanding the decreasing incentive for racism. The older generation would appreciate having things explained to them from a Social Darwinist perspective. This is because they, too are degenerates. God has not forgotten why He chose some, and marked others as impure.

  41. ew says:

    @ Bily Cox: oh, shit my high school had a retard prom king twice in a row!!! The first retard we all genuinely liked, he was like our Forest Gump, but the class after me elected this kid who would collect his hair into a ball and shriek if you tried to take it from him. They voted for him just because their all a bunch of hilarious sadists.

  42. ew says:


  43. dickshit says:

    even though our i voted for obama (and most of our moms did) and read huffington post everyday, i am still going to be a racist ig’nant mofo to my kids.
    you know why? they watch nickelodeon and have more ethnically diverse friends than i did growing up. there are a ton of brown and black people on nickelodeon.
    this nickelodeon generation also grows up only knowing and understanding that a black guy is the most powerful guy in the world.
    basically, my generation is less racist than gavins, and more racist than the next. it all makes sense.

  44. moth eaten deer head says:

    Black people are…ok, but I have a general disdain for Mexicans.

  45. Zippy says:

    Billy Cox Says:

    we elected a retard to prom king at my highschool not because it was funny, but because he was a funny kid that would sing songs and dance for us at lunch and we thought it’d be something nice to do for him. one time he even pulled his weiner out in lunch for laughs.

    And that retarded kid grew up to be the man you are today, Billy. Thank you for sharing that moment with the audience. :)

  46. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    Intellectual Cumshot.

  47. Billy Cox says:

    @ew hahahaha. That’s still funny.

    @zippy shut up fag

  48. lol@u says:

    nice troll post. btw if you ever want to hear someone say nigger for real, just go on xbox. pretty much anybody on there with a southern drawl is bound to drop the n word sooner or later. I can’t even count how many times some racist prick was the black guy in left for dead, getting smoked and yells out “help I’m gettin hung like a nigger.”

  49. Billy Ocean Smooth says:

    Get the fuck out of my country you ass eating Canadian, you.

  50. Ted Danson says:

    I must say, it’s touching that an affluent white man has come through so much and yet still remains so proud of his country.

    Wait, isn’t this guy from Canada?

  51. anon says:

    You are wrong. I fuckin hate ugly people………..and asians.

  52. you’re an old racist dude Gavin! haha.

  53. BG says:

    The thing I like about this article is you either think it’s a miracle Obama was elected (which just doesn’t feel right) or you admit the specter of racism isn’t the ubiquitous black cloud everyone pretends it is.

  54. Beef says:

    This is what New York does to people.

  55. L C L says:

    “I heard some horrible stories about drinking fountains from forever ago and I saw a video where dogs were attacking some dude but that was a different universe than my generation’s America.”

    Well I guess you learned everything important about racism in America! How great to part of such a shiny new generation. The Pepsi GenerationTM perhaps?

    “What the hell is this song about? Where are the children NOT free?”

    Considering that $3 a day is what the world’s average person lives on, I guess the answer to this question is… “Oh, I dunno… only just about EVERYWHERE???”

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