Posted by
Street Carnage
• 10.17.17 10:14 pm

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Do white people hate giving handshakes? Or, do they just love making asses of themselves in public? Because all this bro-shake bullshit don’t work. I don’t know where they got the idea it did or would but every time I see two white guys go in for a greeting, they always seem to fuck it up. 

Unless they’re meeting for the first time, white people never know what they’re doing when they’re saying ‘what’s up’. And the only reason they don’t fuck it up in that situation is because they know they have to give the other motherfucker a handshake. Why they want to move away from that, I don’t know but none of the other options are any better.

I guess handshakes can be hard to do in a hurry or passing. Or, maybe white folk think it makes them look more uptight than usual. Like they’re at a business meeting or something. But it’s a fucking handshake, the things take only two seconds to do and who cares if you look a little formal when saying hello?

Even if there are plenty of fools who love squeezing the hell outta other guys’ hands, like they’re playing a game at the fair or showing the other dude he’s strong enough to save him from danger, I’d take that over hugging every dude I knew as if he were my mother. And I’d definitely take it over using high fives, especially if I was as uncoordinated as most white folk be.

Using high-fives to say what’s up don’t even make no sense. That shits supposed to be for celebrating field goals or a late-night pizza delivery. Even then, the success rate has to be around fifty-percent, at best, for white people. It’s kind of a shame, too. Because the things are perfectly corny for them, like a Mentos commercial on steroids. Apparently they’re too corny, though. But what they’ve tried to avoid in corniness, they’ve gained in even more awkwardness with these high-five handshake things.

I don’t even understand what’s so hard to handle about this bro-shake bullshit. It’s a simultaneous clap and hug. That may sound like it takes a bit more of coordination but it don’t. Sure, it involves more steps but the hug can easily cover up whatever mistake is inevitably made. How those even happen, I couldn’t tell ya. Maybe it has to do with confidence, maybe it has to do with how many hugs white people give and the confusion that creates, but it sure as shit isn’t because of all the different handshakes they have. That’s what we tried and it didn’t work out all too well, either.

I’m sure it sounds cool and smooth to have a secret handshake for every homie on the block but you can only do that for so long before you lose track of which one’s for who and if you even have one for others. Once that happens, almost every greeting turns into an awkward standoff. Nothing’s cool, nothing is smooth. It’s just you and the other fool falling over yourselves to not look like jack asses. Dealing with that shit everyday don’t do well for a dude’s confidence and that’s why a lot of us have resorted to the fist bump.

Fist bumps might not seem like no big deal to some. In fact, a lot of you mother fuckers probably think that shits tight. Seeing two black dudes bump fists in passing probably looks like we’re showing off our “black brotherhood” or some other retarded unity bullshit. In reality, giving a fist bump over a handshake makes a guy look like a germ-a-phobic pussy who’s afraid to touch another man’s hand. It’s still better than standing in an awkward freeze before hugging every weirdo you barely know but not by much. And if dudes don’t learn to grab each other’s digits, they’ll continue to look too pathetic to be called men.

-JERMAINE DUMBPREE


Comments
  1. Columbia Business School says:

    Gavin removed the comment about Emily having Donald J Trump’s balls in her mouth…. So much for free speech.

  2. The Self-Loathing Penis says:

    After reading a thousand posts on social media about jacking off, grabbing pussy, ass wiping, scratching, smegma, etc…. I can see the logic in dropping the communal handshake from daily life.


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