Posted by
• 11.30.12 11:38 am

I am way too cheap to fly first class but a rich person told me all the stewardesses are assholes. Apparently it’s a very awesome gig to get so the ones who finally make it there think they all that. 

I noticed this when flying to China. Going there and back counts as a week’s work so only the very tenured get to do it. The tenured tend to be cunts. They don’t see themselves as a “waitress in the sky” and they tell you as much. They say, “We’re here for your safety but we can also help make your flight more enjoyable.” You’re not here for my safety, bitch. You’re here to get me drunk. That’s why the button has a picture of you serving me a drink.

I got 99 other white people problems but let’s start with these…


10 White People Problems


White People Problems” is a loaded term that combines a facetious reference to white privilege with the accusation that we’re all pampered ingrates. Never mind that about half of America’s poor are white. Well, I’m not even remotely poor but I am white and I have problems, too. I’m overweight. I drink too much and like all white people, I’m constantly outraged. Seeing a school bus go through a red light or catching someone not picking up their dog shit can ruin my whole day. I actually have a lot of white people problems. For example…

I have no problem hitting a ball 200 yards, but it always veers to the right at the last second. This means I’m in the trees every second hole and spend half my game trying to find the ball. I’ve tried correcting it with different stances, but a curve is a curve and the only thing that seems to straighten it is switching to one of those gigantic women’s drivers that looks like a salad bowl. It feels like cheating to use a club like that and I can’t enjoy my game if I feel like I’m cheating.

I hate these fuckers with a passion and every Thanksgiving I give thanks we’re about to eat a dead one. Turkeys get into my beautifully manicured lawn and uproot big clumps looking for grubs until it looks like I’ve been practicing my terrible swing all over it (when I Instagrammed the above pic, I got a #whitePeopleProblems comment). I’m hoping a few months of snow will even it out, but I have a bad feeling I’m going to spend the majority of the spring patching holes again.

My generation grew up with lyrics such as, “The peas are mushed/And the chicken tastes like wood,” but I just put on the new DJ Khaled and there’s an African American gentleman on there claiming, “It’s like a full-time job not to kill niggas.” Really? What’s your business card say—“Not a Killa of Niggas?” This is a surprisingly common sentiment among modern rappers, but with 93% of blacks killed by other blacks, it appears there are still a lot of openings. I think I’ll avoid explaining all this to the kids and put on some Jason Aldean instead.

Being gainfully employed since I was 14 means I have accrued some cool stuff over the years, but these bills are killing me. I’ve got the maintenance fees at our Brooklyn apartment, plus all the bills maintaining our country house upstate, then there’s the caretaker at our place in Costa Rica, as well as life insurance, car insurance, E-ZPass, parking, the kids’ schools, the family health plan, the kids’ college fund, lawyers, brokers, cable, gas, nannies, babysitters, maids, groceries, taxes, charity….Nearly all of my substantial yearly income goes to outstretched palms, but the government has determined this doesn’t trickle down enough, so they hit me with a tax bill every year that would make your hair turn white. It’s like a full-time job just paying these bills.



  1. booty says:

    I heard that.

  2. ts says:

    If your golf drives are going straight but slicing, you need to fix your grip, not your swing. The face of the club when it hits the ball is tweaked open to the right a bit too much now. Rotate the club about 1/8” counterclockwise in your grip to fix it. Actually, overcompensate and try to make it curve left first so you get the concept down, then regress towards the mean.

  3. Chapter After says:

    “Doing the job right and building something that lasts is a real pain in the ass.”


  4. tim says:

    don’t worry about the turkeys. they’re helping you out by eating those grubs. my dad worked as a landscape pest control guy most of his life and worked really hard to get rid of those grubs because they can completely annihilate a lawn…just throw some seed on there and don’t worry about having a fucking perfect sea of green. it ain’t natural. in fact, throw some clover seed where the turkeys tear up the ground. not only does it fix nitrogen in the soil, helping your grass, but it makes purple flowers in the spring that your kids will like.

  5. White People Problem #11: Explaining why Greg Gutfeld is speaking at the Reagan Library…

  6. stanky stanky says:

    Modern rap is supposed to be offensive.

  7. Thank you for the meal plan template. Something I so need to do better. I stress too much or make a meal plan and dont stick to it. I need to make it easy so I do.

Leave A Reply