Posted by
• 08.26.09 12:00 pm

“Literally” is one of my favorite words to hear people misuse.

“Literally” is one of my favorite words to hear people misuse.

1. He literally tore my heart out. – (Who, Mola Ram nigga?)

2. He’s literally the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. (Who, Goatse’s anus nigga?)

3 She won! She’s literally on top of the world! (Who? Christie McAuliffe, nigga?)

Hilarious! They’re all fags. So, when I use the word “literally,” you can be sure I am literally VERY FUCKING CAREFUL to make sure I mean it–and yo nigga, read the title of this post again; I MEAN IT.


When it comes to war, no one can call me a liberal. I lost a whole bunch of idiot friends after 9-11 because I was acting like too much of a “neo-con.” They still won’t talk to me because of how in 2002 I wanted to strangle the Dixie Chicks.

Living in my neighborhood during the start of the Iraq war, it was tough for me to admit my beliefs, since every time I did, I ended up getting my gay-loving, health-care-reforming, Obama-voting ass handed to me by the Park Slope Thought Police.

For the purposes of this conversation, my point is only this: I’ve never been one of those righteous “Truther,”, George Bush bashers. Far from it. Clearly I always knew he was retarded and embarrassing–a shoot-em-up cowboy with no sense of diplomacy or temperance–but I was convinced that we had a psycho in the White House at just the right time.

I wholeheartedly supported Bush’s decision to go into Iraq, and I was amazed that anyone who saw the twin towers blow up could possibly believe that we should let the terrorists build nuclear bombs while we just sat around and sucked France’s preachy ball sack.

Well, there’ve been a few developments since then: Fuck WMDs. I’m not on some 2007 wah-we-were-lied-to shit. No; I’m referring to new reports on the rationale for the Iraq invasion and Bush’s behavior during the heart of the conflict.

Hint: With this story coming to light, the GOP will WISH the Iraq Invasion was about “oil” and getting revenge on the man who tried to kill Bush’s Daddy; the real truth makes Michael Moore’s tubby nightmares look like an official White House infomercial.

It is LITERALLY difficult for me to believe my eyes when I see these reports, even though the stories are pouring in from reputable sources such as the Guardian.

Read them yourself, if you have the Adderall. If not, here is a quick summary of what they say:

1) President Bush was LITERALLY convinced that two abstract biblical angels of Death–Gog and Magog–were at work in the middle east, aiming to usher in the biblical “End of Times” as prophesied.

2) Bush used this argument to try to persuade other world leaders to join the Coalition of the Willing.

3) Secretary of State Rumsfeld posted religious imagery and bible passages on the coversheets of daily intelligence briefings in order to play into Bush’s Christian acid trip.

Holy fucking shit.

What does this mean?

Well, put it this way: You know how our parents bitch about the Cuban Missile Crisis and talk our balls off about how close the world came to destruction on that one particular night in 1962?

Well, as our parents lives draw to a close, they will continue to cling to and glorify moments like these that defined their fleeting lives. You will NEVER meet a Baby Boomer who admits that 9-11 was a bigger deal than the Kennedy assassination; they are far too emotionally invested in their own dramatic history.

Rest assured though: History will view the period we’ve just came out of as being just as scary and dramatic as anything that happened while Kennedy or Nixon were in office.

We LITERALLY had a religious psychopath–far crazier than David Duke or Pat Buchanan, if not quite a David Koresh or a Charles Manson–in a position to launch all the nuclear weapons in the world; it’s not a smug commercial or a Jon Stewart joke.

History is just cracking the lid on these details – as more continues to surface, we’ll start to see the mind-boggling scope of the Christian Crusade that was going on behind the Ten Gallon Curtain.

Thank God it turned out okay–it was a close fucking call; somebody could have been hurt.

LITERALLY follow BN on Twitter

  1. Lambaste says:

    Don’t believe everything you read in the fucking guardian. I’m surprised at you – you were right the first time. That shit is all written by French faggots trying to sound big.

  2. Vane$$a says:

    I literally did NOT read this. Just kidding! You da man!!!! And yeah, the Guardian and HuffPo are def way reliable homey. Let’s burn that weird Bush motherfucker at the stake!

  3. JuCIFER says:

    ummm, no duhhh

  4. Loosey fur says:

    Vane$$a, your implying this isn’t true? Actually I had not ears about this at all, but the Hudfington post is more than reliable. Can I get a yay or a nay from someone who isn’t an insane agendaed stalker?,

  5. omg sooo randum says:

    I just like saying “Gog and Magog” in a george bush accent – really, try it outloud, and imagine Chirac and his staff hearing it for the first time…

  6. TT says:

    HuffPo can be relied upon to leftwardly spin everything that has ever occurred since humans rose from the muck.

    I think even they’d admit their biases. To view them as an objective news source is to admit you’re a fool.

  7. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    Interesting. However, there isn’t anything out there on this right now that would lead me to accept it as fact. While HuffPo is fun to look at, it’s clearly not an objective new source, and only slightly better than it’s nemesis, The Drudge Report. Drudge’s overtly vengeful, and hateful bias clearly edges out most of the competition in the bullshit department.

  8. recluigloo says:

    wish people that checked out this site were more objective rather than subjective

  9. recluigloo says:

    before people start spewing their verbal diarrhea about credibility the slideshow that contains these cover pages is up at get off your unicorns and stops sucking yourselves off

  10. drippy dog dix and cum bubbles or something says:

    ^ Perhaps I’m not understanding your comment. Are you implying that a slide show on the GQ website lends absolute credibility to the covers?

  11. Milkbone says:

    Not to mention that his daddy’s daddy Prescott Bush was not just a Nazi sympathizer. No, he went the extra step and attempted a fascist coup against FDR.

    Thwarted at the last minute…look the shit up.


    Fuck that family. Fuck that family. Fuck that family.

  12. Gog says:

    oh so, GQ is credible now?

  13. Boner Patrol says:

    so we’re stealing from David Cross now, huh?

  14. lol@u says:

    I literally just saw gavin get stung by a bunch of bees on What the fuck are you smoking?

  15. Mola Ram says:


  16. cuntybaws says:

    Exactly which terrorist group was building nukes in Iraq? Be as literal as you like in your answer…

  17. cat pawsgrove says:

    i literally shit my pants

  18. Norman Mailer says:

    Isn’t this LITERALLY a David Cross bit from 2002?

  19. Billy Badass says:

    I’m real working class. I was born to feel like shit and then work my way out of it, not vice versa. Those bourgeois Labour party (Guardian) people are seriously bad news. They want to have their money but then tell us that money is the root of all evil. They live too many public delusions in order to deal with their pussified guilt. It’s a dangerous game they play. I’m tired of paying their bill. Fuck them HOs.

  20. I Grew me a Beard says:

    As soon as the Guardian and HuffPo start publishing pictures of Bill Clinton worshiping at the altar of the stacked Jewish intern blow job, I’ll start believing that they’re reputable news sources.

  21. lorge says:

    Many of us progressives *literally* knew all this shit about the Bush admin’s millenarian Revelation complex back in 2002 when Dennis Miller-neocon war cheerleaders like BN were buying it hook, line and sinker and calling the rest of us French traitors.

    Anyone who couldn’t see through what was always obvious bullshit has no credibility.
    You were a chump – you’ll never live that down.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Jews did 9/11

  23. hippies suck but charles manson rules says:

    Don’t you have anything better to talk about?

  24. Ring Tardner says:

    Shouldn’t you be worrying about Caster Semenya’s gender or something?

  25. Jules says:

    This explanation for Bush-CIA-U.S. interests in Iraq/The World sounds more plausible.

    They pandered to Christians within this country at the time because the Republican party realized they were a huge set of the U.S. that’d gone ignored by politicians.

    The Guardian can be led completely afoul of the truth. I’ve seen it print complete PR/corporate lies on some occasions, when I’ve known full well of the truth. So it makes me wonder about how much else of theirs is bullshit.

    If the Zeitgeist reason is the real reason, than not even The Guardian wants to print that, they’ve been lying about that all along.

  26. Rumsfeel says:

    Imagining Rumsfeld painstakingly creating those cover sheets in MS Word actually makes that administration a little more endearing.

  27. Taeil says:

    I’m pretty sure every President since Reagan has been an atheist. They just do this “I go to Church just like all you Bible thumping morons” bit to brainwash THAT aspect of American society.

    I mean if Dubya really was trying to bring back the end times, wouldn’t he be obsessed with locking up the rest of his family at a Church praying the shit out for Jesus to come back? Instead of I don’t know, letting his daughters live on their pampered day to day lives in New York schmoozing with hipster elites like Vincent Gallo?

  28. homeless. says:

    @Rumsfeel: that is exactly what humored me when i first heard about those cover sheets a while back. I would love to see what type of pics he photoshops himself into in his free time.

  29. America is the Chosen Nation says:

    Its the people in power using the blind faith of christian conservatives to fuel their agenda. With the use of the words rapture, end times, and gods will, leaders can gain support from a large amount of the american population and begin to create an evangelical army. If this goes on long enough we will have lost all democracy and freedom we once worked for and enter a new era of the dark ages where we are fighting an unending holy war.

    Just kidding you know all we wanted was oil and a place to put more Walmarts. Go America!! God Blessed this Country!!! Capialism and Jesus!! WoooHooo!!

  30. Fella says:

    It doesn’t matter because you’re funny about it, but literally as hyberbole has at least 100-year tenure and a cushy #2 spot in most dictionaries. Might as well find a way to rip on people who spell it “alright.”

  31. Michael says:

    Many of us progressives…

    When you say “progressive”, is that shorthand for “I enjoy pulling the bed sheets up over my head whenever I break wind”? Because that’s exactly what it sounds like to me.

  32. Ernest Phlegmingway says:

    Bush panders to the religious right like Obama panders to the losers under the bridge worshiping at the altar of Olde English…or something.

  33. Anton Jakhov says:

    Bush doesn’t believe any o’ that religious shit. He’s just giving a major part of his constituency a big ol’ reach around. Oh, and let’s not forget that in the REAL world Gog and Magog are actually good buds. Oooooh, check this out…There’s the same amount of syllables in Gog and Magog as there is in Bush and Cheney and Clinton and Gore and Reagan and Bush…suck it asswipes.

  34. F. Rott Titzgerald says:

    Bush is gay. They’re all gay Nazis. Look at what’s happening in Austria, the gay Nazis are taking over. Do you really believe that that white man did NOT choke down Obama’s dick in the back of a limo while Obama sucked on a dirty ass crack pipe? Puh-lease. This world is ruled by an evil evil clique of gay ass Nazis! Quit drinkin’ the kool aid!

  35. noturkeys says:

    bn i think you’re great. the religious right (any breed) are a bunch of fuckers. politicsblahblah blah but whatever happened to the separation betw church and state?

  36. lorge says:

    Dear Michael,

    No, that’s called a dutch oven, you shit-for-brains douche.

  37. Michael says:

    I know what it’s called, you shit-huffing cock knocker. Even if I didn’t you’d still be no less of the pretentious cunt you are for calling yourself “progressive”. Have you ever considered how that might sound to anyone other than yourself?



  39. Magog says:

    Gog is a pussy… he’s the only reason we didn’t win.

  40. Zippy says:

    Bush’s presidency brought me to Jesus…

    Every time that he made a speech, I bowed my head and said “Oh, help me Jesus!”

  41. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    Do you think Bush ever got some fundamentalist preacher to go out and bless the bombers like the Pope did for Mussolini?

    Cock Cheney would have gone out and jacked off on the bombers for good luck, but his doctor said that the ol’ ticker couldn’t handle the love.

  42. bj says:

    I dont know about you guys but im starting to like the sound of these Gog and Magog dudes.

    Gonna come back and look at this when i have more time.

    Havent read the comments yet but it looks like maybe for once there isnt a bunch of smug little fuckheads saying “oh yeah we totally knew that already you dick” or something.

    I thought the Iraq invasion was cos the Saudi’s told the Bush family to jump up and down on Iraq and the Bush’s said “from what height would you like us to jump? And what kind of boots would you like us to be wearing? And would you like the contract to make the boots? And is there anything else we can do for you while we’re at it?”

    We’ve got a bunch of alien-seeding planet travelling chess-board-human-race-society-game-playing mysterious stanley kubric eyes-wide-shut nicole kidman ‘they live’ nazi werewolves running this show – so if i was you guys i wouldnt even worry about it. im probably going to save the world anyway. if only that girl i liked at work wouldve had sex with me then our baby wouldve came out and saved the world like tom cruise.

    I have a massive amount of work due in under two hours, and im still going to fucking ace it.

  43. kuntz says:

    faith in action!

  44. Dwight D. Goldenshower says:

    Live in the present…Can’t you find any fucked up motivation and quirky attributes for Obama sending us into Afghanistan aka the daemon’s lair? Besides, we already know that Bush is a corny motherfucker and we’ve known it since he had a uni-brow. Balls!

  45. kuntz says:

    Re: David Cross bit.

    Who would know?

  46. Richard Nigson says:

    Do you really believe that Gog and Magog are some kind of country bumpkin religious right shit? Hmmmm…I’m actually picturing those skull and bones gents hangin’ out in their tighty whities around a chink corpse with brandy and cigars while fighting over who gets to be Gog and who gets to be Magog in the Total World Power Domination Game. Nope. Can’t picture that…at all.

  47. Teddy "The Tumor" Kennedy says:

    I’m here to tell you that Gog and Magog are the uniting of the Jewish-Scots kill your soul power circle.

    Gog = Mooshie Gogowitz
    Magog = Terry “The Edinburgh Stiff Boy” MaCgog

    These guys make Hagbard Celine look like P. Diddy.

  48. I Like Eating Tater Tots wiff Ketchup says:

    Isn’t the Guardian the voice of the Labour party’s middle-class faction aka the white guilt people who’d rather act like total pussies than just give up their material comfort and go live in a South African shantytown because finally then and only then will Bono approve of their lives while he parties in the Irish countryside?

  49. yanturbo says:

    If you really want your shit scared out, check out the dirt on the guy who’s still in charge:

  50. Stephanie says:

    I love France. I literally love that piece of land.

  51. french guy says:

    fuck you bn, you fucking shitheads went there and got your legs amputated to get the cowboys’ oil. so FUCK YOU. it’s probably the only good thing chirac did.

  52. cuntybaws says:

    I’m so fucking progressive that I was in Baghdad when you were literally in your Dad’s bag…

  53. Jules says:

    You Americans are dumb as fuck.

  54. Fat one from the backstreet boys says:

    The Guardian? The mother fucking Guardian???

    I love you BN (NH) but Fuck you (NH).

  55. just a cunt hair away says:

    @lorge do you have to try hard to come off pretentious, or is it natural for you at this point? yeah, you all knew it back then, but decided to wait until now so that BN, DM, etc (lemme guess, you get your news from the daily show) would get a funny ha ha surprise now? eat a dick you dick eater. i’d rather be an honest chump than a pompous condescending hypocritical ass-face like you, now get over yourself.
    ps- what’s life like always knowing and being perfect?

  56. Charles says:

    Hey BN, you remind me of my reflexively conservative roommate. How does it feel to be wrong about everything all the time until years later? It’s like you have a delay switch on your brain.

  57. Roy says:

    There’s really no objective, scientific standard for “crazy.” It’s a subjective call. So isn’t it impossible to be literally crazy?

  58. tommy gun says:

    having the right of first refusal, which we have, on 90% of the Iraq oil contracts, was the single best foreign policy maneuver of the last 20 years. you can thank the war for that. its ugly being an oil guzzling hegemon, but that’s what enables people like Gavin to “earn” a living being internet provacateurs.

  59. lorge says:

    @Michael: No.

    @jacha: I decided to wait until now to do what? Comment on this website? You make no sense. PS – Life’s great.

  60. lorge says:

    What’s pretentious is when virtually any writer on this site discusses politics. BN and Gavin are great writers, especially on subjects they know: NYC, relationships, maturing, etc. But when they discuss domestic or foreign policy, they are way over their heads. It’s like seeing David Broder and George Will discuss Dash Snow.

  61. it’s a little hard to believe anything that comes out of the huffingtonpost or the labour-guardian, especially when they’re covering George Bush. it’s like relying on Joe Goebbels’ tweets to provide you with accurate updates on the jews.
    btw twitter is gay.

  62. Monty says:

    that gvaurdian article hardly gives credible sources. just a nutty professor who thinks that his report on the bible had something to do with george bush.

  63. Niggy Smallz says:

    If Guardian reporters actually wrote the story, I could see how it might have some cred. But this comes from the “Comment is Free” section which is where they let any random douche spout off on whatever they see fit. This “Gog and Magog” shit has been around for months and it all comes from a university magazine in France. No reputable news source, (hippy radio stations excluded) has confirmed it and Chirac has not stepped forward to confirm it either. If true, this would literally be one of the biggest news stories ever and the NYT would be shitting themselves with liberal glee to put it out on A1. The fact that they haven’t shows that this story, is in fact, bullshit.


    Niggy Smallz

  64. ew says:

    This gog and magog shit just made me like bush more. Bush actually seems like a pretty cool dewd.
    Too bad he killed all those thousands of people. major bummage.

  65. chnky says:

    No crazier than David Duke?

    o rly

  66. […] you have to be a man and say, “Good shot.” I’m not saying we shouldn’t rage against Satan (or Gog or Magog). I’m just saying it’s worth conceding one thing: Pound for pound and dollar for dollar, 9-11 […]

  67. Fachoto says:

    dunno…i remember seeing a clip of a u.s. general talking about iraq as a holy war to his local congregation as early back 2005/6. but whatever, nobody really knows what they’re talking about or even what they really want.

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