Posted by
John Pittsley
• 06.28.16 12:25 pm

SNOOPANDMARTHA

I don’t know what’s going on over at The Food Network but they’re missing out on an incredible opportunity. There is an awesome idea for a TV show staring them right in their dumb faces and if they don’t do shit about it, someone is gonna beat them to the punch.

The Food Network has a show where two professional chefs compete against two amateur chefs and have decided to name it “Cooks vs. Cons”. I don’t know what the hell they’re trying to pull but with a title like that, I expect to see me some convicts. Maybe they’re trying to fool people into watching another boring cooking competition show but they can’t seriously expect everyone to stay tuned, do they? It may have worked during the first season but that had to have been all DVR recordings. This second season is going to bomb, without a doubt.

Aren’t they worried about pissing viewers off by being cons themselves? That title, “Cooks vs. Cons” makes it sound like professional cooks or home cooks with inflated egos are competing against convicts. No way would I ever think the show would be about professionals competing against unprofessionals. I know there are a bunch of foodie snobs, who’ll watch anything about food, but holy fuck. Just call it something else.

It may be difficult to come up with a good name for a show but after they came up with the title, they should have made a show that fit it. They obviously think people will tune in. Who wouldn’t want to watch a bunch of convicts duking it out with a group of prissy, know it all, loudmouth chefs in the kitchen? I wouldn’t care if the convicts and chefs had their own cooking stations and were attempting to make the same dishes or, if they put a group of convicts in a kitchen with a professional chef, who had to train and keep them in order. Either way, it sounds like great TV to me.

Giving knives and all sorts of sharp utensils to a gang of criminals sounds kind of dangerous and I’m sure the insurance would be through the roof but think of all the great drama they’d have. Andy Cohen and his grip of House Wives would be losing their shit over how much more intense “Cooks vs. Convicts” was. It would have all the cattiness of women’s reality TV and the brutality of men’s shows, like LockUp. The advertising would cover the insurance and there are more than enough convicts and annoying chefs in this country, they wouldn’t have a problem replacing the casualties.

It could be some sort of work release program they do with prisoners, who’re getting out of jail soon. That way, the convicts would be less inclined to stab each other and the chef. The show would probably be even more entertaining if it were inside the jail with prisoners who were serving lifelong sentences, though. That shit would be must see TV. They could have prison guards standing watch and telling the chef what he can and can’t do. Maybe even keep the prisoners in their shackles. I’m starting to get pissed this show doesn’t already exist.

Someone over there has to get their shit together. I need to see chefs sharing tight quarters and screaming insults at men, who have killed before and spend all day lifting weights. This must be on TV. There is no excuse for it not to be and the longer The Food Network waits, the longer I won’t watch their shitty channel.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. A says:

    ‘Gordon Behind Bars’ exists..
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aCnaiGBi0w

  2. The pros and "cons' says:

    Get off Martha Stewart’s ass. I like Martha. Think about it this way. Take Martha off the air and there is a void to fill in these cooking shows. Do you want to see that void filled by Paula Deen???? (drop the mic)

  3. frank says:

    Apparently Martha is a kinky horn dog. Her first husband couldn’t handle it.

  4. SpaceKook12 says:

    Here dumb Ass, this is how you do it. You get cons on death row who are due to fry in 3 weeks. The first 2 episodes the chef teaches them how to prepare their last supper. The 3rd and last episode they cook and eat the food and get either a thumbs up or down by the chef. Then we watch them die frying and shitting and pissing the undigested mess down their pants legs. For a nice touch they can even have the chef pull the switch if the con really sucked at cooking. There’s drama that’s sure to go to hell with a cast that don’t give a damn.
    That’s a winner you loser and “fucking retard who writes really dumb shit about stupid crap.”

  5. Race Realist Paula Deen says:

    ^
    Fuck you. If I come back I’ll do a show on nigger slop. No more Mrs. nice gal. I lose my career for something I said decades past, well fuck it, I’ll exponentially double down. My first episode will be about why niggers smell the way they doo doo. All the gizzards, pigs feet, ox-tail, cow encephalitis brains, and barbecue don’t make rednecks smell the way they doo doo, and they both eat the same shit. Whys that……..?
    My sponsers will be Stormfront and every other White Nationalist group.
    Following episode will be about Joo food.

  6. Junior Simple and Lulu Rolling says:

    Hell, that’s easy Paula . Us white people don’t stank after we eat that diet because we gulp down a quart of moonshine and that homemade death juice melts everything inside us into a clear bile. It’s also why we don’t live much past forty and all our children never close their mouths for years at a time.

  7. High Times says:

    It’s time for a show showcasing the culinary arts of cannabis.
    “Snoopy Lion-Dog-what ever the fuck he calls himself these days” can host the show with weekly visits from famous stoners.
    Paula can be the resident expert to help out when Snoop and his guests are out of it in some Up in Smoke, lost in space, fog. She can slip in racist jokes to measure how fucked up Snoop is when he starts agreeing with her.
    They could start with Mexcrement and Chink gook food courtesy of Cheech & Chong and follow with a visit from Gavins hoser buds “The trailer park boys.”
    The studio should be in Colorado where one would assume it would be legal to film the consumption of cannabis legally.
    Hurry up Gavin before someone beats you to it. All I ask is an invite to inhale offstage the second hand smoke.


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