It’s not easy being a hatemongering extremist in the West today.
So many of them are fighting for attention, it’s easy to get lost in the crowd, and the Internet’s arrival has made it so that any schmuck can spread their intolerant message to the entire planet in just a few seconds. It takes a lot of leadership skills and charisma to become the next big thing in the hate community. Make your extremism sexy, or else the audience will yawn and go away.
So without concern for any of their political views, I’ll judge who’s the best hatemonger in terms of looks, charisma, and clothing, rating them on a scale of one to five. They don’t need to look like Brad Pitt, but they have to have that extra oomph.
We’ll start with an old cat that most of you probably know.
David Duke: former Grand Wizard in the Ku Klux Klan, sometimes Democratic Party presidential candidate, solver of crosswords.
Holy mother of God, what’s happened to David Duke?! I mean, he’s always looked a bit freaky―like a depressed prawn who has somehow learned how to do a necktie―but now he’s just grotesque! There’s some sort of strange foam on his face, as if the last Ku Klux Klan meeting ended with him being on the receiving end of a savage white-power bukkake session. Other than that, Duke looks pretty young for his age, and I suspect surgery has been done. It hasn’t really done him any good. If I was Duke, I’d leave on that white hood.
I give David Duke one burning cross out of five.
Louis Farrakhan: Nation of Islam leader, activist, president of the Duran Duran fan club.
Farrakhan is classy, and like all the best demagogues, he has a larger-than-life quality to him. He puts the ”big” in ”bigot.” Anyone can wear a bowtie, but few can look powerful when wearing it. All that being said, he’s aging and is looking more and more like a date fruit with glasses. But he’s still an impressive character.
I give Louis Farrakhan four dead rivals out of five.
Nick Griffin: leader of the British National Party, Member of Parliament, inventor of the Lindy Hop.
Ouch! Griffin is British and it shows. Everything about him―from the glass eye to the bulbous chin―is just wrong. He looks like a man who farts in the face of his dogs when no one is looking and then giggles about it. His TV appearances show him as a jovial and almost charming character, but his looks just don’t work for him. This man is not the next Oswald Mosley.
I give Nick Griffin one traumatized dog out of five.
Anders Behring Breivik: pro-Zionist counter-jihad terrorist, convict, owner of a lonely heart.
Breivik stresses the importance of looking good in his 1500-page manifesto. He’s also in favor of using makeup. In fact, he comes across as a bit gay. There’s a rumor going around in Oslo that Breivik has had sex with a semi-famous gay man, a rumor I didn’t believe until I heard Breivik talk. It might not come across to Americans, but he talks like a Norwegian Richard Simmons—not that there’s anything wrong with that! When you’ve killed that many kids, it doesn’t really matter if you are a rump-raider or not. As for his looks, I’m not buying his clean-cut, west-side-of-Oslo, rich-guy-with-an-interest-in-knights style. He goes for suave but ends up with bland. The most puzzling thing about him is that he managed to look so square-faced and Aryan on the photos in the manifesto, when his appearance at the trial shows that his head is clearly egg-shaped. Remove his torso, attach his head to his legs, and you have Humpy Dumpty.
I give Anders Behring Breivik two big steaming cocks out of five.
Malik Zulu Shabazz: leader of the New Black Panthers, black activist, friend of children everywhere.
Malik has to pick up a few tips from Farrakhan, because this is very disappointing. He’s basically just a black nerd, a buffed-up version of Steve Urkel. The Panthers are supposed to look constantly furious, but most pictures I’ve seen of Shabazz show him looking rather content. I bet he’s secretly pretty happy with the way things are in America and thinks Patrick Duffy is a top-notch actor. BORING! Get hatin’, motherfucker!
I give Malik Zulu Shabazz two Boy Scout patches out of five.
Tom Metzger: former Grand Wizard in the Ku Klux Klan, leader of White Aryan Resistance (WAR), dubstep enthusiast.
Metzger looks like a cross between Budd Dwyer and Vic Mackey from The Shield. He’s a short fella who knows how to dress big. I can dig the hat. But I suspect he looks like a big weird baby when he’s naked. Not that I often think about what Tom Metzger looks like naked. This list is not about how good you look in the nude, though. If it was, I’d go mad wondering whether David Duke’s curtains match his drapes. When it comes to style, Metzger does fairly well.
I give Tom Metzger four soiled diapers out of five.
Nikolaos Michaloliakos: leader of the Golden Dawn party, Member of Parliament, liver of La Vida Loca.
Oh, dear. That is just sad. Golden Dawn may have performed well in the election, but it certainly wasn’t because of Michaloliakos’s looks. He’s about as sexy as his name. Try saying ”Nikolaos Michaloliakos” ten times in a row as fast as you can. Hopeless.
I give Nikolaos Michaloliakos two vowels out of way too many.
Jeff Schoep: leader of National Socialist Movement, white-power activist, lover of sunsets.
Schoep knows that you shouldn’t mess with a winning formula and has adopted a classic Nazi look with a little bit of skinhead thing going on at the top. Naughty! Definitely my favorite of the White Power bunch on this list. According to the all-seeing wizards at the Southern Poverty Law Center, a lot of neo-Nazis deride members of Schoep’s organization as ”Hollywood Nazis” due to their faux-SS outfits, but what’s wrong with being a bit glamorous and theatrical in your bigotry? I say leave Schoep alone. He’s adorable.
I give Jeff Schoep four SS armbands made in China out of five.
Abu Hamza al-Masri: jihadist, convict, bass player in Journey.
Yes! I’m so feeling that hook. England’s favorite gadfly Abu Hamza has everything going for him: a hook for a hand, a dead left eye, and a beard that looks like it was made out of Don King’s pubic hair. If you lack the looks, scare people with hooks; Hamza has understood this and gleefully shows off his hook for photographers every chance he gets. That’s showmanship. You gotta love the Hamz!
I give Hamza five missing fingers out of five and declare him the winner!