Posted by
Mykel Board
• 11.12.12 05:15 pm


This woman farts. She is also known, on occasion, to be empowered.

It’s a tight stall in the bathroom.

From above, we see four high-school girls, all in Japanese school uniforms. They’re crowded together in the stall. One is kneeling, her head bent over the toilet. The others’ hands push on that girl’s head, forcing it into the bowl.

“EAT SHIT!” yell the girls.

“EAT SHIT!” they yell again.

What happens next is unclear, but after some splashing, the girls drag the poor abused one out of the stall on to the bathroom floor. The victim’s head drenched, she shouts into the air:

“Sister, save me! Save me!”

Another girl in uniform, cute in a slightly butch way, comes running…bursts into the bathroom…slams the door open against the tile wall. The three evil girls look at her.

“If you want to save your sister,” says one of them, “then fart. Fart right now!”

“Don’t, sister!” begs the drenched girl. “Don’t lose your dignity. Don’t do that for me…for anyone!”

The girl who had her head in the toilet breaks away from the other three. She runs upstairs. Apparently they’re in a gym, and she’s now in the top seats…high up in the stands. She jumps, falling headfirst to her death.

Cut to a few weeks in the future: It’s the first time out for the sister. She’s on a camping trip with a few other girls. Along is an older 20-something who wears a low-cut blue dress. The valley on her chest separates bazooms usually not found on Japanese women.

The crew is in a van driven by a sniffing cokehead: shaved bald, he has a perpetual runny nose.

Here they are, by the lake.

“Everybody out! We’re going fishing!”

Little do these innocent hook-and-liners know that the fish from this lake host a tapeworm. Bazoom girl knows. She also knows that those tapeworms steal food from their hosts’ intestines. That theft prevents nourishment from reaching the host, making the fish thin no matter how much they eat. Cleavage girl figures if she eats one of the tapeworms, she too can stay thin.

“I got one. I got one!” says our high-school heroine.

The cokehead yanks it off the line and slices through its belly. Inside is a tapeworm: white, wiggly, and as long as a garter snake.

The woman with the tits snatches the worm and gobbles it down. Her stomach rumbles. She cries out in pain.

“I’ve got to fart! I’ve got to fart!” she yells, running to hide from the shame.

We hear the farts. She bends in stomachache agony. She farts again.

“I’m going to die!” she says. “I’ve got to find a doctor.”

Our heroine checks the map. There is a small town nearby. They run. They come upon a house with an outhouse in back. The woman runs to shit in the toilet, but from beneath the toilet comes a zombie.

Before long the campers are dead. Murdered by zombies and tapeworm-laced spaghetti fed to them by a mad scientist. All die horribly…except for the sister who was saved from farting. Now she’s in a swordfight with an evil giant tapeworm. They’re aloft, she riding on a tenuous strand soon cut by the evil worm.

She falls. Headfirst downward. Doomed! Suddenly, the sound of a tremendous fart. A huge BRRRRRAAAAAP! An anal tornado from the rectum of our heroine. The power of the wind saves the falling girl and hurls her back into space. A series of superfarts allows her to keep aloft and eventually defeat the evil tapeworm.

The movie is Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. I’ve just seen it with a Toshi, a Japanese pal, Bryan and Randy, Trini from the band Anti-Everything, and Taina, the Puerto Rican singer of Cojoba.

“That may be the best movie I’ve ever seen,” I tell the crew as we leave the theater.

“Was that really Japanese?” asks Toshi, shaking his head.

“I don’t think so.”

“What a great movie!” says Bryan. “Shitty but great.”

“It was feminist!” says Taini.

“Huh?” grunt the rest of us, eight eyebrows raised in unison.

“Sure,” she explains. “Don’t you get it? Girls are told they’ve got to be thin. So they’ll do anything to stay that way…even eat a tapeworm…and you see what happened to her…”

“OK, but still…” I answer.

Taina cuts me off, as she is wont to do.

“There’s more, Mykel,” she says. “Girls are told to be proper. Nice girls don’t fart. That’s a boy thing. Girls should hold it in, be feminine…but being feminine killed the sister. And only when the heroine could let it out…could fart like a man…could she save herself and save the world from the evil tapeworm. She had to let go of traditional femininity and become natural, human…to fart is to win….It’s empowerment. Get it, Mykel?”

At first my contrary nature refuses to accept it, but the more I think about it, the more I realized Taina is right.

 

—MYKEL BOARD

 


Comments
  1. humph says:

    ya girls can fart, have dirty dread locked hair and be as pear-shaped as they want but it goes against nature. Every species on this planet evolved to perfection by putting all their energy towards survival, growth and REPRODUCTION. A flamingo could do a repulsive mating dance, a flower can produce odors unattractive to pollinators and a womyn/human can fart 5 minutes after meeting a potential mate but the inevitable result is those genes being selected against (in other words not getting laid). This all depends on ones definition of success but what are these broads trying to achieve?

    Feminists say they rebel against disproportionately powerful men, but sexually attractive women with the grace to pucker their butthole have way more power than the average man (need I give examples?: getting hired by some enamored man, strippers, sugar daddies, buying drinks, stuttering boys, often eventually NOT HAVING TO WORK!). I wonder if feminists don’t (ironically) rebel against other females with a higher genetic fitness?

  2. JOey says:

    Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Ten. One to screw it in and the other nine to suck my dick.

  3. Joey says:

    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Hey, that’s not funny!

  4. b ird says:

    why do only losers complain about feminists?


Leave A Reply