Posted by
Julius T. Leisure
• 05.31.11 12:00 pm

While I mostly agree with Swifty’s assertions, it also occurred to me that today’s cookie-cutter hipster is also afraid of black people for very made-in-America reasons.

While I mostly agree with Swifty’s assertions, it also occurred to me that today’s cookie-cutter hipster is also afraid of black people for very made-in-America reasons.

My primary duties as America’s Black Friend is to both serve as spokesperson for all blacks (even though I’m a half-black Filipino Jew) and to also speak truth to delusional whites.

Sure, Swifty is right about hipsters not like the blacks because they represent the mainstream blah-blah-stuff-that-makes-sense, but I also want to add that for a long time contemporary hipsterism has been exclusively a very white phenomenon. Hipsters are already wary of most black people because of underlying confusion due to their lack of first-hand experience with us coloreds. Most hipsters’ understanding of blacks comes from The Cosby Show and COPS. But what most fucks a hipster up is the black hipster. The black hipster is a fucking cockroach in hipster’s PBR.

Every outcast hayseed from Smalltown, Iowa (or Canada) moves to Brooklyn and becomes a hipster, and for a long time this has been a very safe and snarky club; whites for whites like the Sons of Confederate Veterans. But now that Kanye, Donald Glover and Tyler, the Creator are self-proclaimed black nerd hipsters, look who’s coming to motherfuckin’ dinner with malt liquor?

When the black hipster walks into what passes as a club to hipsters, he absorbs all the light in serious black hole fashion. And every tight-denim-wearing, bearded, former suburban high school trombonist suddenly realizes that his sarcastic, Natty Boh drinking, crochet-hat-with-bangs old lady is “giddily curious.” The black hipster doesn’t have to be afraid of anyone since hipsters cannot fight for shit. The black hipster can wear the fuck out of a cardigan over a Dunder Mifflin T-shirt, or whatever.

The institutional transition from segregation-to-integration has always been awkward and emotionally charged, so it’s no wonder there is confusion and resentment among the hipster crowd. The blacks will move in and start dictating how the genre works henceforth. It happened with music. It happened with skateboarding. It’s happening with president-ing, and now it’s happening to hipsterism. And since blacks actually invented the shit during the ’40s, it’s more like we’re just taking it back. Thanks.


  1. richie goldbaum says:

    This is fucking retarded.

  2. Soo' Chest says:

    yeah, or maybe hipsters love novelty and minorities are a novelty in a white culture made up of white people who grew up and went to college with other white people.

  3. damn says:

    solid dude

  4. The Real Reason says:

    Black people are scary.

  5. Pee says:

    Or maybe it’s just that everyone is racist.

  6. just a cunt hair away says:

    ps- Raymi’s an asswipe.

  7. xeni Jardin [on graphic images of conflict] says:

    good point. i read the other day that the internet is racist.

  8. typical fat says:

    seriously with the race card again?

  9. Grargarth says:

    Both these articles are pretty goofy and don’t apply to reality.

  10. pfft says:

    i’m confused. are we supposed to hate black people, or like them. I do everything you tell me to Street Carnage.

  11. Allen Iverson says:

    It just dawned on me that black people are insecure as fuck.

  12. ONLYMERK! says:

    skateboarding is not the 6th element of Hip Hop.

  13. Anonymous says:

    this to me seems awfully like everyone’s moved on from this shit but the two goons are still talking about white guys all being “dee de dee de dee” and black guys all being “awwhhh awwwwwhhh”

  14. paul says:

    i feel more racist after reading this

  15. xeni Jardin [on graphic images of conflict] says:

    blacks invented it in the forties? really?

    ‘The youth who made up the early Bohemians were generally disillusioned young men from the bourgeois. At this time, after the 1789 revolution, the classes of society were being driven apart. The bourgeois who were elevated by this split often felt guilt at their position of privilege. Those who didn’t fear to leave those positions often became artists and writers in protestation to what they felt was a destruction of beauty and nature. They saw the bourgeois as a plague feeding off the land through industrialization (Miller 2).

    ‘All of the writers of this time period tried to define and put their own spin on this romantic youth movement. The term “Bohemian” came into the public consciousness through Georges Sands’ novels. The author Murger attempted to explain that ‘bohemians’ had always been in existence, in such famous examples as Homer, Shakespeare and Moliere.

    ‘By the end of the 1800s, Bohemianism in Paris was coming to an end, although it did not end entirely until the beginning of the first World War. However, throughout the 20th century there have been Bohemian movements, from the beats of the 1950s to the hippies of the 1960s, that owe inspiration to the original Parisian “vie Boheme.”‘

  16. Hits for charity says:

    They always break out the racial controversy when the hit count gets low. I can feel it in my dick. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have weed to smoke and bad art to create. You mad?

  17. Anonymous says:


  18. raymeh says:

    i brought my thug blipster friend to oakville once and oh what a day it was, kids falling all over themselves to kiss our asses. everyone’s tune changed about me afterward too. transparent and amusing, that.

  19. nawny gold says:

    my first boyfriend was half jamaican and half filipino but not jewish so i guess i lose

  20. hi yo silver says:

    Revenge of the Nerds!

  21. Dusty Pedant says:

    It must be acknowledged that persons of the black persuasion too often spell even the most simple words incorrectly.

  22. James Nevins says:

    “Hi, I’m Ty T. Niggerton Blogger McJew the First. Black people are all, ‘Bwah-bwah-bwah-BWOMP!’ And then white people are all, ‘Doo-doo-dee-doo!’ ” Seriously guys, every single stand-up comic that was ever on Arsenio called and they want their act back.

    Less race-baiting and more wasted push-ups, asinine photos and “how to dress like smarmy boy-man movie characters from the 80’s & early 90’s” lists please. Fuck, it’s getting so bad around here I’m starting to miss the gothic biker supermodel broad that we’ve never actually seen a photo of. Just saying.

  23. Duane Peters says:

    “The blacks will move in and start dictating how the genre works henceforth. It happened with music. It happened with skateboarding. It’s happening with president-ing, and now it’s happening to hipsterism” 1. It didnt happen with music. black people invented rock n roll, whites stole it. 2. Blacks “dictate” Skateboarding? yeah and hockey and surfing too. 3.Obama is half white. so half a point on that one. 4.what is hipsterism? You’re a racist.

  24. Charles says:

    Black hipsters have been around from the very beginning, unless by hipster you specifically mean “music nerds who work in record stores”.

  25. Dondi says:

    That raymeh woman looks really OLD…

  26. slimer says:

    you keep on jawing about brooklyn like you live here but we all know miss daisy never lets you leave the shady pines. go back to being blognigger. that shit was funny.

  27. anonymous says:

    my dad used to tell racist jokes to show that he WASN’T racist. The world is full of inequity, the measure of mankind is to surmount that ideological obstacle. he went to university in the 40’s, black people mostly didn’t.
    the point is, even though he was safely ensconced in his world of advantages, he didn’t find it necessary to be unfair to those around him. hipsters seem to be diametrically solipsistic in relation to these aforementioned characteristics (mores?)
    the only problem with my daughter’s black friends, that i can see is that they make me incredibly skeeved out at myself for being so turned on. takes me right back to willowdale in the 80s. blistering! (i’d sign my name but i don’t want my wife to find me on google)

  28. Anonymous says:

    this article is so obnoxious. the thing is, you’re not giving people enough credit. for the most part, at least in the cities, people really don’t have a problem with nice black people. in some poor areas, the black people are both intimidating and racist themselves, so that’s a different story, but it’s on par with a trailer park or midwestern apartment complex. these race issues are interesting to discuss, but holy shit is this entry (it’s not really an “article”) garbage. i’d be embarassed to have written it.

  29. Anonymous says:

    wait, i know why i’d be embarassed about this article…it’s because i’m getting old!! this was probably written by a young intern or something. well, that’s alright, i’m glad i’m getting a little older and gaining some perspective.

  30. pasty says:

    > at least in the cities, people really don’t have a problem with nice black people.

    nice black people is an oxymoron

  31. tod says:

    umm i dunnoooo i know a buncha hipster chicks that only fuck black dudes…

  32. Professor Demographics, PhD says:

    Most hipster immigrants to Brooklyn are from places far blacker than Williamsburg or even Bushwick.

    Hayseed, Iowa is one thing, but bigger cities in the midwest are 50% black or more.

    The reason why hipsters are scared of blacks in those places is because the black people there are scary. Go to the wrong part of Chicago or Cleveland or St. Louis or even Minneapolis and you’re gonna get fucked.

    That said, this is wrong anyway. Nobody is afraid of the black hipster, they cannot fight either. They just are bummed cuz he’s probably going to scoop their girl.

  33. Ummmm... says:

    Every white person outside of Mississauga and Portland (Oregon and Maine) has figured out that blacks are every bit as lame as whites. The only thing that this article convinced me of is that e-style journalism is nothing more than a glorified form of trolling. And YOU think you’re better than ME? Ha!

    Too long!

  34. blaahus poopus says:

    most people are lame. the end. (except for me, of course).

  35. justin says:

    whooooooooo caaaaaaaaaaares?

  36. yep says:

    He’d totally scoop this girl. Word.

  37. Grep says:

    fuck this man, your articles dealing with race have no backing ever

  38. mr.meat says:

    bushwick white hipsters are racist against other bushwick white hipsters, fact. avert the eyes of shame.
    or should i be calling them marshmallows?
    and what about pasteles and marshmallows?
    not that pasteles is some cop name for puerto ricans but I figured I just make it up. kuz there is this other end of placement and pride and race and whatnot that should work. times change and I’m goinna start being the weirdo whitey that breaks through kuz god knows ive been in this same crappy hood for too long being an outsider. white sheep flock is stoopid

    I think experience and fuck fear for now on
    puerto rican and black pussy for now on
    white power

    send your hatemail to streetcarnage or whatever

  39. anonymous says:

    Whatever happened to the Ketamine pushups guy? I really liked him. I want to see him again. I also liked the one where he did heroin.

    I miss the old street carnage. This stuff is ridunculous ie: really bad.

  40. zoom says:

    Took over skateboarding? Dude, skateboarding is not the NBA.
    Kinda feels like Ben wants to think white hipster kids are scared of him – Sorry Ben, but you’re just not that scary.

  41. Dinkus says:

    Negro Invasion

  42. Bryant says:

    Bohemian Blacks (LOL)

  43. travis says:

    i think most darker-skinned white hipsters are less liked by the lighter-skinned white hipsters. there seems to be some sort of pecking order within that realm.

  44. fizzlebottom says:

    see also: Polar Bear Hunting

  45. haha says:


  46. no says:

    Everyones balls retreat when theres interesting social commentary about race that isn’t racist. Tres bien.

  47. Please says:

    Yeah, maybe, but there’s also the part where every white hipster went to college and had to spend a lot of time around lesbians and learned about “cultural appropriation.” They don’t dress black cause they’re trying NOT to be racist.

    And anyway, have you seen Kreayshawn? Do you really want more people doing this?

  48. Anonymous says:

    Also I don’t think secreting irony like pus is a very black look

  49. Rape is Enough says:

    i really want a black friend…

  50. newnumberorder says:

    You americans are worried about being seen as racists all the time. Chill the fuck down.

  51. Taeil says:

    You guys are taking the shit I write way too seriously.

  52. Arv says:

    @newnumberorder: And you foreigners are always using mutant American expressions, like “Chill the fuck down.”

  53. Randy Lahey says:

    We’ll always have tattoos and dry hair

  54. Anonymous says:

    go away Arv.

  55. Nuh uh says:

    Dude, sorry, there is waaaay too much wishful thinking in this piece, if hipsters are scared of anything it’s alternative culture selling out, and black people are the biggest sellouts in American culture. Seriously, while there’s tons of examples of white people stealing black culture, theres also a bazillion examples of black people selling out. That’s what the issue (if there even is one) is. As soon as it’s mainstream and ok in the black community then corporate America comes knocking, trying to make a buck because black people are the gate-keepers of cool here in america. As soon as it’s black, it’s about to be wack. As for stealing our girlfriends, yeah maybe for 6 months before she dumps you rather than take you home to daddy. You should ask a lesbian what a L.U.G. is (lesbian until graduation), same thing except it’s B.U.M.S (black until marriage). Sorry dude.

  56. SD ROCKSWELL says:

    this whole scenario has been such a rewarding and uplifting experience. glad to see that racism is dead and gone!!

  57. ayatollah eyerollah says:

    This article distilled into one sentence:

    Where da white wimminz at?!?!?!?!?

  58. Aaron says:

    I’m not a hipster but I can hazard a guess. A good portion of blacks have huge sense of entitlement and grievance. No one really wants to be around someone that has the attitude that the world owes them something from the word go. Also, black people want several things that contradictory, they want to have their cake and eat it. They want everyone is red on the inside and to be included in all things white and for any kind of white solidarity or group conscious to be unthinkable but at the same time they want to practice black solidarity, black identity politics, racial exclusivity.

  59. Maddi says:

    Hating “Black” people is so mainstream. This article is just straight up racist. “The black hipster is a fucking cockroach in hipster’s PBR”.

  60. Tiffany says:

    I’m always the token black girl at hipster events and NEVER once have I felt alienated or out of place, like I didn’t belong.

    All my boyfriends have been white hippy ‘hipsters’

    …I don’t get the point of the article?

  61. Chaka wakah says:

    I met this half white/black huge tits on okcupid and came on her jiggly ass.
    whities are racists niggas are racists
    go fuck it out

  62. kay says:

    I think everyone takes themselves too serious. And taking each other too seriously. I highly doubt every Hipster is scared of me. In fact most Hipster guys seem to treat me very nicely. The fact if the matter is a percentage of every subculture (including blacks themselves) are racist. Honestly if someone hates me because of my race…OK cool every person entitled to their opinion. Even if its wrong. I know I’m smart (biomedical engineering major) I know I don’t have any recent ancestors that are gorillas ( lol YouTube comments) and as a child if foreign parents ( engineer and grade school teacher) I identify with the foreign blacks who in general have more education and class we don’t scream and act stupid in public. and hipsters or whoever has racist views will identify all blacks as having those qualities. As long as they keep making asinine untelligent comments( yes Obama is a Muslim commie) and not act violent …who cares. And when ppl do act violent and discriminate ….remember karma isn’t called a bitch for no reason

  63. All hipsters — regardless of race or creed, need to be fed through a woodchipper.

  64. Esso says:

    Ya know, it’s a good thing this country doesn’t have a race problem 😀

  65. Jay says:

    Blacks didn’t invent skateboarding what a dumbass.

  66. Intellinegro says:

    @Kay: Why are you being racist to blacks from America? We’re not ignorant, we’re just hungry. We don’t have engineer dads and teacher moms: we have crack addicted moms and dads whom we’ve never met. Have some sympathy, and don’t characterize all of us as heathens. Sure some of us scream and act violently in public. That however, isn’t all of us, and to characterize us by the actions of those who do is to antagonize an entire ethnicity. Don’t call yourself black in the US. You’re a second generation African immigrant, just like Obama’s a racially mixed, half white, half African person. Black has a different definition here in the US. It means you think you may be from Africa, but you’re not quite sure where because your ancestors were all stolen from their homelands and stripped of their culture, and as a result you have no history further than 400 years back, if you’re lucky enough to have oral traditions from slave times. Being black here means growing up in poverty (unless you’re related to Oprah), encountering institutionalized racism against you left and right (even after affirmative action), being introduced to drugs and gangs around 12 years old, and essentially fighting an uphill struggle your entire life, such that even if you become a Harvard professor, you will still get arrested if you try to break into your own house. Believe me, it is that different, and people know the difference between an African immigrant and a black person. They discrimate against us, and give all the juicy affirmative action opportunities that we fought for to you. I personally like the term negro better than black or African American because it distinguishes us in particular, and isn’t a term other ethnic groups would use to describe themselves with as readily. Don’t bash our culture or our ethnicity while claiming to be something you just aren’t. By the way, for the record: I’m a math major at an Ivy, and hipsters at my school are very afraid of me. Maybe they’re not afraid of you because you’re not black in their eyes.


  68. 주리 says:

    personally i thought most hipsters lived in seattle, portland, chicago, new york or anywhere in Ohio. heh. :\

  69. Anonymous says:

    if you think about it hiphop culture in it´s early days was also kind of hipsterish, so to me it´s just going back to a certain point in time, a revival. white black yellow –
    everything is everything, nuff said

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