Posted by
Bryan Swift
• 05.31.11 11:00 am


Let’s get this out of the way: You know what a hipster is. You probably are a hipster.

Let’s get this out of the way: You know what a hipster is. You probably are a hipster. Don’t say you’re not, you’re reading STREET BONERS AND TV CARNAGE for fuck’s sake. At the least, you have to admit that you might have some hipster tendencies, right? I’ll be the first to admit that I have a few hipster tendencies. I wear black plastic nerd frames, I have a beard, I like Florence and the Machine. I know you’re not like, a hipster-hipster, but normal people mistake you for one all the time, right? That’s what I thought. Good. Glad we’re on the same page. Guess what, hipster? You’re afraid of black people.

Now, I’m not talking about being afraid of people who are kinda black. Hipsters aren’t afraid of Kanye West, Mr. Donald Glover or Blognigger. Oh no. That’s like being afraid of Steve Urkel. I’m talking about being afraid of DMX, Allen Iverson or any other black athlete or rapper. Let’s throw comedians and actors on that list too. Fuck, man, Tyler Perry scares the shit outta me and he’s as gay as a dick-shaped asshole. Even black hipsters are afraid of black people. Why do you think Tyler the Creator hates Steve Harvey so much?

Hipsters don’t think black people are going to beat us up, steal our skinny jeans and then sodomize our more-than-willing girlfriends while we cry in the corner (even though that’s TOTALLY what I am afraid of). No, hipsters are more like anti-black people. Wait. Not like anti-black, that sounds bad. More like the opposite of black people. I’m not saying hipsters are racist, just afraid. Afraid of being just like everybody else.

Hipster style is based on a rejection of popular pop culture, and what’s popular right now is black people. Go down to a suburban mall and take a look around, you’ll see an entire generation of rich white kids imitating black rappers, athletes and movie stars. Justin Bieber doesn’t hang out with white people (unless they’re his mom). Twenty years ago, a white teenager hanging out with a bunch of old black dudes would’ve raised a few eyebrows. Now it sorta just makes sense. Black culture is mainstream pop culture.

Subcultures and scenes are on sale at Hot Topic. Being punk isn’t punk anymore. Being goth isn’t scary. So how do you separate yourself from the mainstream masses? The only option left is wholesale rejection of mainstream pop culture. That’s why there are the obscure bands, the unpopular cultural opinions, the odd-looking clothes, the “alternative” lifestyle choices like raw food or vegan diets, the bikes that are a pain in the ass to ride, the bad neighborhoods, the “if people like it, I’m over it” attitude — it’s the epitome of rebelling against the mainstream. It’s all counter-intuitive. It’s not what you’d expect. It’s… ironic.

Put a hipster next to a suburban mall rat and it’s like playing the Opposite Game:

  • Baggy pants vs. skinny jeans or jeggings

  • Pencil-thin chinstrap or slick goatee vs. the Brooklyn beard
  • Super expensive, brand new, XXL icy white T shirt vs. the well worn, thrift-store-purchased flannel
  • Gold-rimmed, smoked-lens Dolce & Gabbana fashion glasses vs. nerd glasses with NO FUCKING LENSES
  • Brand-obsessed human billboard vs. the just-kidding-I’m-wearing-this-1980′s-Gucci-silk-jacket-as-a-joke guy
  • Tricked out, imported car with the chrome rims and elaborate sound system vs. the the fixie that DOESN’T EVEN HAVE BRAKES
  • Fake titties / fake nails / weave / fake tan / airbrushed Maxim girl vs. weird thigh-bruise / retard bangs / crooked teeth / high-waisted-shorts-wearing American Apparel girl
  • High-end night clubs with VIP sections, sippin’ on Cristal and Grey Goose vs. the scummy dive bar around the corner, drinking PBR and Jack
  • Bass heavy, rhythm-oriented, over-produced pop-rap-r&b crossover music vs. the thin, tinny, melody-oriented, white people music that is noise, shoegaze, jangle-pop, indie-rock, etc.

You get the point.

But don’t despair: Being a hipster who’s afraid of black people isn’t so bad. Really, FUCK mainstream pop culture. I don’t hate the Black Eyed Peas to be “anti” or “ironic,” I hate them because they suck. I think baggy Sean Jean jeans look stupid. I don’t like trends once they become popular because popularity dilutes originality. I like being different. Sigh. I guess I like being a hipster.

Just don’t call me a fucking hipster.

Love,
-BRYAN SWIFT
@FaceHeadAss


Comments
  1. no.thanks. says:

    you so missed the point. and, this is five years too late.

  2. dave says:

    allen iverson

  3. just a cunt hair away says:

    good, really good, except two things:
    1) hipsters are mainstream jagoff ( http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/hipsters-have-jumped-the-shark/ ), and
    2) black culture/sub-cultures have always been “popular” (ie co-opted) douchechill
    eat it!

  4. THE KID MERO says:

    HIPSTERS LOVE MY BLOG THOUGH. IM QUITE NIGGAISH.

  5. milk is chillin says:

    I’ll take ‘Fake titties / fake nails / weave / fake tan / airbrushed Maxim girl’ over the alternative any day of the week. I’m saying.

  6. real eyes says:

    not sure where you’re from, Bryan Swift, but it’s now normal for people (black urbanites included) to wear slim-cut pants. also, what the other commenters said.

    come on brahhh, get your shit together.

  7. no.thanks. says:

    lets also add the fact that the original hipsters were white people that hung out with black jazz……..oh shit, too soon? sorry.

  8. hi yo silver says:

    ain’t this post-racial period great.

    and it’s hepster not hipster, no wonder you got “issues”

  9. aesk47 says:

    oh cool a hipster post, i’m so gonna read the fuck out of it!!

  10. Anonymous says:

    nigga from death grips is real, i’m not afraid of him.

  11. Anonymous says:

    also ew you like florence and the machine what are you, my menopause-induced, breast-cancer-infected mother?

  12. raymeh says:

    i get what you’re saying but liking skinny pants doesn’t make me fear black people. you forgot to effectively illustrate more than half of your lazy ass point you might find on a blog as shitty as mine.

  13. member ov says:

    ‘Being punk isn’t punk anymore. Being goth isn’t scary.’

    Did you just arrive in a time machine from the eighties?

  14. Dondi says:

    The real question here is why are idiots always pretending to be what they aint?

    i.e.
    Hipsters – poor
    Black people – rich
    People on the internet – edgy & funny

  15. Ty Webb says:

    Allen Iverson

  16. member ov says:

    @Dondi
    -some hipsters act poor because of irrational guilt.
    -some blacks act rich because they hope to be.
    -most everybody on the internet likes to think they’re funny sometimes.
    -edgy? probably a word to delete from your vocabulary.

  17. kure kure takora says:

    As someone who owns both a brakeless fixie and a “tricked out imported car” (minus the chrome rims and sound system), this post offends me.

    Also hello, did you miss the whole electro thing that came along and went to dubstep?

  18. pfft says:

    You sound more like a fucking nerd than a hipster. Can’t believe you actually spent time writing this post. I guess it was that or play Call Of Duty whilst masturbating…

  19. welcome to the early 2000s says:

    Yeah this article seems a bit dated, doncha think? The only white kids that are still going ghetto in my neck are the isolated, low IQ trailer park types. Hipsterism has taken over. And I’m not afraid of blax so much as I’m afraid of all morons on the moron rainbow who thanks to American style democracy believe that they’re as good as me. They’re a nightmare.

  20. das wacist says:

    allen iverson

  21. boo says:

    wtf goth was ever scary like a kindergartener who plays dress-up in his mom’s closet is scary

  22. Anonymous says:

    Written by someone who doesn’t know a single black person, of course, just a bunch of wiggers.

  23. skinny black kid says:

    i am negrosauras.

  24. THE MAN says:

    Black people are afraid of me, bro.

  25. anony says:

    living in canada, i like to say; racism is more of “an american thing”of course i know this is bullshit, i’m being facetious. i’ve been in enough rooms full of white people accusing other white people of being racist.
    it really only is a problem if you bring it up, for me anyways. puzzling.

  26. welcome to 1991 says:

    seriously? wow. have you never heard of kris kross? my entire white suburban elementary school was dressing like those twerps and blasting their shitty music 20 years ago.

  27. Beef says:

    I’m not afraid of black people, I just hate them.

  28. depre$$a says:

    i thought irony happened in the 90′s

  29. flappy tits says:

    simon reynolds said this about 25 years ago. like C86 vs jheri curls or something.

  30. Anonymous says:

    the only people i’m afraid of are groups of teenage boys, any color. race simply doesn’t factor in, and i think that’s the majority of people these days. at least, city people. rural people are fucked, living in those places is pretty horrible and still often quite segregated.

  31. Goldberg says:

    Black people, ahem I mean Black Eyed Peas do suck. We can agree on that.

  32. jdeep6 says:

    Stay out of fast food restaurants, and don’t ride public transportation, and you should be able to listen to those next level beats in peace.

  33. C and the MS-13s says:

    5 years too late indeed.

  34. Sackington Ballsworth says:

    i DO like Jack Daniels….

  35. Norm says:

    “Weird thigh bruise”.

    That is so fucking true….

  36. Anonymous says:

    Hipsters are too reactionary.

  37. Bathead says:

    Author can speak for his bitch self. And stop talking about hipsters. Fuck sake. The sooner that happens the sooner we can forget about this shit.

  38. Greg says:

    @dondi
    People pretend because most people are constantly trying to move away from their upbringings and add some spice to their lives.

    It’s the reason kids born in the suburbs act urban.The reason that yuppies embrace danger sports.the reason that people born poor flamingo themselves up and shamelessly embrace brands and consumerist culture and try to look/act as rich as they can.

    It’s the way things are and it will never ever change.There will just be a new group of youth/adult subcultures that enact this pattern.

  39. iwontslowdown says:

    didn’t plato write this shit like 2500 years ago??

  40. popfop says:

    The writer is not describing mall kids he’s describing wiggers (who often hang out at the mall.)

    The mall used to be the epicenter of 1990s slacker cynicism. Not just Kevin Smith mediocrity but the look of Linklater’s Slacker. I’m I too old fer this shit? Does anybody have a memory longer than a decade?

  41. Anonymous says:

    LOOK AT ALL OF THIS DENIAL! you hit it dead on the nose, and these comments are case and point.

  42. Randy Lahey says:

    this was perfect.

  43. [...] Swift opened the debate by posting an article titled “Why Hipsters are Scared of Black People” in which he turns around and says that hipsters aren’t afraid of black people per se – just [...]

  44. maaaat says:

    what? this makes no sense…

  45. SD ROCKSWELL says:

    Totally impressed. Your new black people name is B.Swift.

  46. ayatollah eyerollah says:

    This article is a joke! Or else it was written by someone living in a cave, painstakingly piecing together current events from 7 year old magazines. I’m going with A, but in the off chance it’s B, I’ll help the author out with some important events that have happened since then:

    *Black people now wear skinny jeans or jeggings.
    *Hipsters now wear fake nails, listen to rap, and dress like black people (ironically though! Whew!)
    *Rich white kids in suburban malls now dress like hipsters.
    *Punks and goths are now residents of nice suburban retirement communities.
    *Nobody, black or white, over the age of 14 listens to the Black Eyed Peas.
    *Hipsters don’t listen to Florence and the Machine. See: 14 year olds.

    2011 is a scary place, eh?

  47. Double C says:

    Funny article. Love the hate of the comments. You haven’t made it until you get mad people hating on you. Good work, Bryan.

  48. Erc says:

    Im still confused as to what the fuck is a hipster…

  49. oh for fucks sake says:

    pfft…ya kinda busted yourself there douche bag. now sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

  50. marlon 62 says:

    i thought it was interesting that you stated that you are afraid of tyler perry even though he’s ALLEGITLY gay. so are you saying that gays aren’t scary ? have you seen rupaul or rick perry?

  51. My grand father every time used to watch YouTube comic videos, hehehehehe, as he desires to be happy always.

  52. Annie Oakley says:

    Just re-title this post to: “Hipsters are Racist” for a more honest discussion.

    Let’s do away with the fake post-racial bull. Racism is racism whether it’s wearing a goatee, thick rimmed glasses and living in a recently gentrified neighborhood or crawling out of the gutters of a small southern town.

    This neo-racist, “I’m no bigot, I just hate black people” crap is about as cliched and worn as the hipster trend itself.

  53. Msceleste says:

    Okay umm wow and wow. I am Black and I kinda took that as an insult. Just a tad bit. Very harsh man…very harsh. What kind of person writes something like this? And you say you are not racist, just “afraid” How can judge black ppl off of what you see on t.v. or magazines. Not every African-American is the same. Just the color of our skin. I really wish you would not have written this and just kept your “thoughts” to yourself. Very insulting.

  54. fjdkg says:

    whaat hipsters

    you mean like people who listen to decembrists or whatever

    i dont think thats the same thing

  55. stefen says:

    Black people aren’t popular, there culture is. And the only thing people are afraid of sodomizing are male butts and animals. Since most black men are gay.

  56. "Hipster" says:

    So ignorant, well i guess i am what you folk would call a hipster, and omg would you look at that? Im black! Wtf was the ponit of this article??


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