Let’s get this out of the way: You know what a hipster is. You probably are a hipster.
Let’s get this out of the way: You know what a hipster is. You probably are a hipster. Don’t say you’re not, you’re reading STREET BONERS AND TV CARNAGE for fuck’s sake. At the least, you have to admit that you might have some hipster tendencies, right? I’ll be the first to admit that I have a few hipster tendencies. I wear black plastic nerd frames, I have a beard, I like Florence and the Machine. I know you’re not like, a hipster-hipster, but normal people mistake you for one all the time, right? That’s what I thought. Good. Glad we’re on the same page. Guess what, hipster? You’re afraid of black people.
Now, I’m not talking about being afraid of people who are kinda black. Hipsters aren’t afraid of Kanye West, Mr. Donald Glover or Blognigger. Oh no. That’s like being afraid of Steve Urkel. I’m talking about being afraid of DMX, Allen Iverson or any other black athlete or rapper. Let’s throw comedians and actors on that list too. Fuck, man, Tyler Perry scares the shit outta me and he’s as gay as a dick-shaped asshole. Even black hipsters are afraid of black people. Why do you think Tyler the Creator hates Steve Harvey so much?
Hipsters don’t think black people are going to beat us up, steal our skinny jeans and then sodomize our more-than-willing girlfriends while we cry in the corner (even though that’s TOTALLY what I am afraid of). No, hipsters are more like anti-black people. Wait. Not like anti-black, that sounds bad. More like the opposite of black people. I’m not saying hipsters are racist, just afraid. Afraid of being just like everybody else.
Hipster style is based on a rejection of popular pop culture, and what’s popular right now is black people. Go down to a suburban mall and take a look around, you’ll see an entire generation of rich white kids imitating black rappers, athletes and movie stars. Justin Bieber doesn’t hang out with white people (unless they’re his mom). Twenty years ago, a white teenager hanging out with a bunch of old black dudes would’ve raised a few eyebrows. Now it sorta just makes sense. Black culture is mainstream pop culture.
Subcultures and scenes are on sale at Hot Topic. Being punk isn’t punk anymore. Being goth isn’t scary. So how do you separate yourself from the mainstream masses? The only option left is wholesale rejection of mainstream pop culture. That’s why there are the obscure bands, the unpopular cultural opinions, the odd-looking clothes, the “alternative” lifestyle choices like raw food or vegan diets, the bikes that are a pain in the ass to ride, the bad neighborhoods, the “if people like it, I’m over it” attitude — it’s the epitome of rebelling against the mainstream. It’s all counter-intuitive. It’s not what you’d expect. It’s… ironic.
Put a hipster next to a suburban mall rat and it’s like playing the Opposite Game:
You get the point.
But don’t despair: Being a hipster who’s afraid of black people isn’t so bad. Really, FUCK mainstream pop culture. I don’t hate the Black Eyed Peas to be “anti” or “ironic,” I hate them because they suck. I think baggy Sean Jean jeans look stupid. I don’t like trends once they become popular because popularity dilutes originality. I like being different. Sigh. I guess I like being a hipster.
Just don’t call me a fucking hipster.