Posted by
John Pittsley
• 07.30.15 10:01 am

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Was Bette Midler ever a hottie? I’m not saying she’s a disgusting fucking pig nowadays but she’s certainly not a GMILF. You would think she must have been hot at some point to be as famous as she is today though. She can’t owe all her fame to being a loud Broadway singer, right?

I’ll admit that I’m a pretty creepy dude. Jerking off to old ladies isn’t my cup o’ tea though. I do however, like to look up old pictures of elderly female celebrities to see what all the fuss was about. I’ve done my research on Bette and I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t see it. I can see how a gay or an alien would say she was attractive. But I just don’t see my dead grandfather painting her on the side of a bomber. She looked like a heavier set Sarah Jessica Parker with a wider nose, shorter hair, and way more annoying voice. She had a pretty big rack but I think a majority of chicks had huge tits back in the day. I think it just comes down to the fact that gays love her.

I could be wrong but I don’t think being an overly dramatic loudmouth is enough to get the gays on your side. Singing songs and show tunes in gay bathhouses, on the other hand, will do the trick. That’s apparently what she used to do and it makes perfect sense, kind of. It makes sense in regards to how she got her following but it doesn’t make too much sense in regards to why dudes would want her singing while they did the ol’ in and out. I know some people like to put music on while they’re fucking, to make it a little less awkward. Having another person in the room singing to you while you’re getting it on however, feels like it would have the opposite effect. I know homosexuals do things differently and I’m not going to pretend to know the exact inner workings of bathhouses but that just seems a bit much.

Maybe it was more of a hazing of sorts. She was the loud broad who wanted to be a slut but no one would stick it in her. So, she tried to be a fag hag but she was too annoying, even for gay dudes. After nagging them for a while, they told her she could hang out with them but only if she sang while they got dirty with each other in the bathhouses. They probably thought it would get rid of her but she was so desperate for companionship that she agreed.

It’s like back in grade school, when the annoying kid wanted to hang out with you and your friends. You didn’t want anything to do with him but he was willing to do embarrassing and gross shit for your entertainment. After a while, you caved and started to love him like a little brother. I think that’s what Bette Midler is for gays. That’s the only explanation I can come up with. Because she’s far too annoying and not nearly attractive enough to have the following she has. Good for her, I guess. But it is kind of a bummer that she owes all her fame to the gays’ pity.

-JOHN PITTSLEY


Comments
  1. STINKY says:

    /shrug Sometimes mem-mem and pep-pep gotta go have a date night. Who else are they gonna go see in concert? Pissed Jeans?

  2. Ghetto Defendant says:

    It’s called stage presence, an ability to entertain an audience(yeah she used to have a huge audience, go ask your boomer parents), and most importantly, a tireless work ethic. All the things that used to get people through the door in show business in the old days, before just having a prodigious ass and a sex tape made you a media star.

  3. 6079 Smith, W. says:

    Bette Midler is famous because she is the PERFECT show bidness faghag.
    No mystery.

  4. KN says:

    I thought it was obvious that gays like Bette, Liza, Cher et al. because they look like men in drag and their femininity seems attainable for gays. I think that’s why gay guys can identify with them, even when they’re belting out that jarring showtune bullshit.

    Somewhat unrelated, but I remember watching a Minnelli Broadway concert special on PBS and realizing “this is soul for white people.” It’s just as inane, culturally gratuitous, and revered.

  5. HUH says:

    So, she’s kinda like a Proto-Patti Smith??

  6. Niccolo Salo says:

    Bette Midler played a huge role in the spread of HIV and other sexually-transmitted diseases in NYC during the late 70s when she would sing, swing her tits, and pass out poppers and other drugs in bathhouses during her performances.

  7. Hater Baiter says:

    She’s a Jew.

  8. cook says:

    @KN however, early cher was hot.

  9. OogaBooga says:

    Let’s see… Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lena Dunham, Tori Spelling… Let’s see…. what do they all have in common? Well, they are all hideously ugly, super-famous, and… and…?

  10. MildMessiah says:

    Midler played a major role in Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway for 3 years before the bathhouse thing. She had the raw talent and just happened to be in the right place to meet the right people at the right time. Barry Manilow was her piano player in the bathhouse era for instance…

  11. KN says:

    @cook
    Yeah, she was. I think Bette Midler is sexy now. But they both have a robustness that makes them easy for men to impersonate.

    Also Bette Midler looks like so many jewish women. Maybe she was a supportive stand-in for NY gays’ homophobic jewish mothers. Who knows?

  12. raymi says:

    It’s her pizazz, beaches, voice. She’s like a caricature and her talent (voice) backs it up. Bette sang to Carson during his farewell episode and mad him cry. She’s of another era. She railed against Arianne Grande tho that was embarrassing and pointless. Plus she has a big nose so I have always been fascinated by her. I also have no idea why she is famous either despite everything I previously mentioned.

  13. stephen says:

    Well, it’s safe to say this article is a piece of shit. You obviously aren’t Bette’s target audience. I’m “a gay” and think Bette shines. She is STUNNING because she has the ability to make you laugh one minute and then cry the next because she brings emotion to any song (she can also tell one hell of a dirty joke). I have a feeling you don’t know what an “emotion” is though. Many “a gay” are lucky to have her and so a big fuck you for writing such a shitty article.

  14. Kram says:

    The multiple plastic surgeries helped her go mainstream.

  15. Kram says:

    Female version of Jon Stewart

  16. Oz later blamed Midler — who was amid recording her next album and rehearsing for her tour — for being under a lot of stress by other projects and making “the mistake of bringing her stress on the set. While the original book and film had tremendous cultural impact, the remake was marked by poor reviews by many critics, and a financial loss of approximately $40 million at the box office.


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