For a hack that was supposed to be the fucking 9-11 of international diplomacy, the Wikileaks Cables are some seriously boring shit: More boring than Riverdance, more disappointing than when your parents and I first clogged movie theaters to see The Phantom Menace.
Not sure why I don’t see eye-to-eye with any of my friends on this: I think Julian Assange should be put to death.
Gavin and Jim Goad disagree: They both think that Government can suck it By Any Means Necessary, and as Jim Goad said to me yesterday, “Just because I hate Muslims doesn’t mean I think these wars are doing anyone besides Muslims any good.”
The reason I hate Julian Assange is because he’s a big greasy Perez Hilton wannabe and if he could release nuke launch codes he would, JUST to be famous, no matter how many people live or die. Don’t believe his whole “Information wants to be Free” shtick — it’s just a way for him to get laid and live forever.
Look: Grown-ups know that International Diplomacy is like a big complex chess game; and Julian Assange is like an overgrown spoiled five-year-old knocking over the board and going “LOOK AT ME!”
But worse than being treasonous, he’s BORING. For a hack that was supposed to be the fucking 9-11 of international diplomacy, Wikileaks “Cablegate” is ass-bafflingly dull.
What a disappointment, it could have been so much! If only ONE item from this wishlist had made it in, we could have called it even:
1. Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi asks Secretary Gates what it’s like to work for a “nigger.”
2. Memo to Native American tribal leaders confirming their agreement to keep the alien spacecraft / peyote connection secret until December 2012.
3. French diplomat Marc Fonbaustier asks to be sat at least three seats away from Hillary Clinton at UN anniversary banquet because of her chronic and “repulsive” gas.
4. Prince William insists that Sir Lyall Grant smell his cock the morning after he “achieved arse-to-mouth” with Chelsea Clinton.
5. Memo to Hawaiian Secretary General threatening to withhold 2011 public school funding unless the Municipal Chancellor agrees to forge Obama’s birth certificate.
6. Ambassador Chowdury of Tahiti invoices George Bush for monthly costs of hiding American Airlines Flight 77.
7. Simon Wiesenthal Foundation work-order form: Change Request re: Hollywood and Banking resources, Feb 2006.
8. Bill Clinton calls Google staff “a bunch of little faggots.”
9. An “inebriated” Maria Shriver’s text message to the Prince of Wales, stating bluntly that “Uncle Jack was hung like a grain of rice.”
10. Pakistani Minister Gupta asks to be sat next to Hillary Clinton at UN Anniversary banquet because of her chronic and “repulsive” gas.
But alas, as it stands, is the current Wikileaks scandal embarrassing to the U.S. government? Hardly; in fact, it’s a blow to birthers and truthers and retards who think there’s some big global conspiracy that the masterminds at the U.S. Government are hiding.
In real life, what happens behind closed Illuminati doors? Turns out, people talk shit about each other, throw their retarded cousins under the bus and lie to get what they want.