Posted by
Benjamin Leo
• 12.01.10 12:00 pm


For a hack that was supposed to be the fucking 9-11 of international diplomacy, the Wikileaks Cables are some seriously boring shit: More boring than Riverdance, more disappointing than when your parents and I first clogged movie theaters to see The Phantom Menace.

Not sure why I don’t see eye-to-eye with any of my friends on this: I think Julian Assange should be put to death.

Gavin and Jim Goad disagree: They both think that Government can suck it By Any Means Necessary, and as Jim Goad said to me yesterday, “Just because I hate Muslims doesn’t mean I think these wars are doing anyone besides Muslims any good.”

The reason I hate Julian Assange is because he’s a big greasy Perez Hilton wannabe and if he could release nuke launch codes he would, JUST to be famous, no matter how many people live or die. Don’t believe his whole “Information wants to be Free” shtick — it’s just a way for him to get laid and live forever.

Look: Grown-ups know that International Diplomacy is like a big complex chess game; and Julian Assange is like an overgrown spoiled five-year-old knocking over the board and going “LOOK AT ME!”

But worse than being treasonous, he’s BORING. For a hack that was supposed to be the fucking 9-11 of international diplomacy, Wikileaks “Cablegate” is ass-bafflingly dull.

What a disappointment, it could have been so much! If only ONE item from this wishlist had made it in, we could have called it even:

1. Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi asks Secretary Gates what it’s like to work for a “nigger.”

2. Memo to Native American tribal leaders confirming their agreement to keep the alien spacecraft / peyote connection secret until December 2012.

3. French diplomat Marc Fonbaustier asks to be sat at least three seats away from Hillary Clinton at UN anniversary banquet because of her chronic and “repulsive” gas.

4. Prince William insists that Sir Lyall Grant smell his cock the morning after he “achieved arse-to-mouth” with Chelsea Clinton.

5. Memo to Hawaiian Secretary General threatening to withhold 2011 public school funding unless the Municipal Chancellor agrees to forge Obama’s birth certificate.

6. Ambassador Chowdury of Tahiti invoices George Bush for monthly costs of hiding American Airlines Flight 77.

7. Simon Wiesenthal Foundation work-order form: Change Request re: Hollywood and Banking resources, Feb 2006.

8. Bill Clinton calls Google staff “a bunch of little faggots.”

9. An “inebriated” Maria Shriver’s text message to the Prince of Wales, stating bluntly that “Uncle Jack was hung like a grain of rice.”

10. Pakistani Minister Gupta asks to be sat next to Hillary Clinton at UN Anniversary banquet because of her chronic and “repulsive” gas.

But alas, as it stands, is the current Wikileaks scandal embarrassing to the U.S. government? Hardly; in fact, it’s a blow to birthers and truthers and retards who think there’s some big global conspiracy that the masterminds at the U.S. Government are hiding.

In real life, what happens behind closed Illuminati doors? Turns out, people talk shit about each other, throw their retarded cousins under the bus and lie to get what they want.

Surprise surprise.

-BENJAMIN LEO


Comments
  1. ty says:

    “Supplies!”

  2. Anonymous says:

    You didn’t like it because you’re a moron who didn’t actually read any of it that wasn’t on the front page of NYT.com, or newyorktimes.com, or whatever in the fuck their website. There’s actually some pretty wild shit about shooting horses with golden pistols while riding them and Ukranian sexmaids being recruited by the CIA to kill high-ranking Al-Qaeda members.

  3. Uncle Wah Wah says:

    11 A drunken W. Bush urinates in the bed of the Lincoln bedroom and e-mails Clinton’s former guests to “come and sleep in it now, you liberal bastards!”

    12 Sarah Palin orders filmographers to get lots of footage of her on fishing boats to explain “the fish smell” that people comment about during her public appearances.

    13 John McCain admits to spilling his guts like a school girl on several occasions with the Viet Cong in order to get pizza with “white man” toppings, not fish heads.

  4. frankie says:

    “in fact, it’s a blow to birthers and truthers and retards who think there’s some big global conspiracy that the masterminds at the U.S. Government are hiding.”

    yes! you are right on the money with this point.

    i assume you’re being “hilarious” when you say he should be executed, right?
    i think the more nuanced view is that wikileaks is intrinsically an important and valuable thing (regardless of assange’s persona), but that he ought to exercise more editorial responsibility.

  5. Sounds like says:

    Someone is a little jealous.

  6. Have you read them? says:

    If you read the discussions on Iran its clear that their nuclear capabilities are prehistoric and all of the trumped up bullshit that almost led to an invasion of that country is a bunch of horseshit ( go read the discussion between the us and russian defense department ). Imenant nuclear threat my asshole, fuck you.

  7. Damn says:

    That is pretty fucking funny.

  8. muscles says:

    haa good one

  9. Anonymous says:

    i agree about the truther sentiment, because if anything it shows that this government is far more “oh well we’ll just keep talking to qadafi and see what happens” than the Machiavellian overlord conspiracy theorists think it is.

    as for the other parts, dead wrong. it has been interesting and gave a fantastic look into the North Korea situation, that makes America and North Korea look like squabbling little children and China the mediator. It’s given us a lifespan on how long she’s actually going to last (not very long). There’s also some rad-ass shit involving nuclear cargo, and it’s so refreshing to see a source that hasn’t been filtered into spin by the media.

    i suppose it doesn’t help if you’re not nerdy about politics. but to be honest if Assange gets caught, he’s going to be given a death sentence for treason. no attention-seeker is going to deal with brass-ball shit of this level unless you do actually have a moral higher purpose. he definitely knew the risks of doing this.

  10. Zach says:

    You can’t be treasonous (to the US) if you’re not from America, you idiot.

    Also, there’s a lot of crazy stuff in there.

    Jullian Assange is a giant wanker though, I’ll give you that.

  11. Alpha Rapist says:

    i lol’d at the idea of bill clinton calling the google staff “a bunch of little faggots”

  12. joe says:

    if the price for exposed government and corporate corruption were tolerating someone who was getting more attention than yourself, are you saying you wouldn’t pay it?

    you’re the shitty person.

  13. chachi in charge says:

    JOE congrats: Winner of all time stupid comment award.

    and #4 is FTW

  14. JM says:

    THINGS THAT ARE TRUE:

    -almost nothing in the documents is that earth-shattering or deeply damaging to anyone. it mostly gives concrete evidence of things already widely suspected, making the question of the moral permissibility of this dump moot for the time being.

    -the function wikileaks attempts to perform, and the organization’s goals, broadly construed, are morally permissible and probably morally good.

    -Assange is an egomaniac, a dork, somewhat delusional and holds more than a few articulately stated but nonetheless ineffectual crackpot radical views. he’s also really smart and has thought out his operation impeccably well.

    -IF Assange gets caught, it’s going to be a real legal snafu as to how to prosecute him, due to the disconnected, international nature of wikileaks and due to Assange’s australian citizenship (assuming he’s not leaked much relevant to australia and that the country has no real interest in prosecuting him).

  15. Anonymous says:

    Wikileaks is down, didnt get a chance to read anything. But on topic, boo hoo people. He got the documents from someone else and then published them. You know what that means, do a better fucking job at controlling in-house secret documents. You can’t honestly say that it’s a good idea about going after this guy. What will it actually solve? Not a damn thing, and if I was Obama I would be like: yeah, we said that shit, what come get some bitches! Nah, I wouldn’t really say that but oh well, it’s not like anyone else isn’t getting their shit leaked out either.

  16. Julian Assmeat says:

    Exactly. There IS no conspiracy. That’s what they want you to think. Do you actually believe that they’d let a dirty, sniveling Norwegian rapist expose any boring secrets without their consent? You a dumbass.

  17. cam says:

    anything interesting is top secret.

    snoozeville

  18. Steve Langford says:

    hahahahahaha!!!

    And you know what, this guy’s Uhcle Wah wah’s aren’t half bad either.

  19. stoops says:

    c’mon assange. just show us the two-headed nixon/kennedy tyrano-saura-sputnik-rex that really rules the world, already.

  20. dragler says:

    “Grown-ups know that International Diplomacy is like a big complex chess game; ”

    That was maybe true in the 20th century like during the cold war but it’s so over now. international diplomacy is just what these losers in the capital cities do to waste time and money. That’s why none of this stuff matters, which you are right about in a sense.

  21. benny guy says:

    blogcracker, what about the possibility this is us psy ops?

  22. Crack King says:

    you are a dumb faggot Ben.

  23. wyatt says:

    stupid. read more, talk less.

  24. Cable Zguy says:

    Why these faggots jock your posts if they hate you so much. This I will never understand.

    Faggots, this may be one of the funniest posts of ALL time.

  25. boys have a penis and girls have a vagina

  26. Smegma says:

    The best ones so far are the Canadian releases. CSIS director thinks Canadians are a bunch of pussies. American politicians pay more attention to Canaidan TV than Canadians do (the do realize nobody actually watches Canadian dramas, right?).

    http://cablegate.wikileaks.org/cable/2008/01/08OTTAWA136.html

  27. They Can See All the Names I've Used, WOW says:

    Hey, if you think diplomatic wires would have anything to do with enacting the Illuminati master plan, and that an absence of conspiratorial messages in these leaks somehow proves the non-existence of any grand conspiracy regarding geopolitics, you really have zero idea who the Illuminati is and what they’re all about.

    Diplomats are obviously total dipshit drones with zero say in what’s actually going on…same goes with any of the politicians whose names we recognize save a scant few.
    If you’ve heard of them or seen them on TV, they’re relatively low on the Illuminist totem pole.

  28. Anonymous says:

    ^ you’re such an idiot.

  29. Juicy fug says:

    @They can see all the boys I’ve touched

    Dude, you make my head spin. You’re exactly the same as a Christian fundamentalist (who you’d undoubtedly mock) staring at carbon dated fossils and arguing why this only PROVES your point that god created the world i 7 days 20,000 years ago.

    There IS no grand conspiracy asshole. It’s an escapist philosophy that let’s numb nuts like you avoid reality and their own problems which stem from their own inabilities.

    Go get on with your life.

  30. fernando says:

    Even if there is a conspiracy what are you going to do? Just wait for shit to get bad then fight for your life.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Let’s all go have some pizza with white man toppings

  32. Julius Assangelo says:

    HILARIOUS list. This post is like an overdue kick in the balls sprinkled with generous doses of laughter. 8.5/10.

  33. Anonymous says:

    So international politics is a chess game, eh? Do you want to a subject of a fucking chess game? I’ll admit this will most likely amount to nothing, but at least it is a step it the direction of revealing that international politics is nothing more than overgrown teenagers on a fucking power trip.

  34. BongBong says:

    What if he actually works for the CIA to fake leaks to the public so the public thinks its really learning the truth but we’re really just being bamboozled.

  35. ZOGISTAN says:

    What if he really just wants you to think that he’s a CIA agent that’s out to misinform, but the leaks actually are the truth?

  36. Mental Patent says:

    “Do you want to a subject of a fucking chess game?”

    good job anon 12:17

  37. menial patience says:

    All this bullshit is pointless and stupid. Until it leads to war, then it’s historic.

  38. testing says:

    Calling a guy a “status whore” who’s work uncovering corruption gives him a greater than 50% chance of being assassinated, that’s just dumb, so I’m gonna leave that and move on to the parts where you are ignorant, since you believe the “liberal” media like NYT.

    “The leaks having shown us anything we didn’t know!”

    Okay… show me ONE place where the following things were reported or discussed before the leaks:

    1) The US military refused to investigate the mass and systematic torture that it knew would happen to all the prisoners (many totally innocent) it handed over to it’s proxies in the Iraqi security system.

    2) The US government threatened foreign countries (including in Western Europe) to avoid investigating CIA torture and kidnapping of their citizens.

    3) There were tens of thousands more uncounted casualties from Afghanistan and Iraq that the US military lied about not knowing about (and having caused).

    4) US massive spying on the UN and foreign diplomats, which is in violation of international law.

    This is all off the top of my head since I haven’t read the leaks directly myself and the vast majority haven’t even been publically released yet.

  39. Anonymous says:

    you’re dumb.

  40. pop fop says:

    This is awesome, Ben. I wrote a similar piece on my blog here:

    http://popfop.tumblr.com/post/2169980493/n


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