Posted by
• 09.25.11 09:59 pm

A few hours after reading an interview with Matt Stone and Trey Parker in today’s New York Times Magazine

A few hours after reading an interview with Matt Stone and Trey Parker in today’s New York Times Magazine, I watched them both on 60 Minutes. They’re all over the news because The Book of Mormon won nine Tonys, made 32 million dollars and is sold out for the next five months. I was enjoying what I see as “our people” on the TV when the overweight beer drinker I had invited over said, “Ah who cares?” Like all couch potatoes he is over it and by “it” I mean anything that makes him feel like the lazy asshole he really is. “Everybody knows Trey Parker writes 99% of their stuff and he’s just a bitter old fag who wants to make fun of Christians because they make him feel bad.” I told him to fuck off. I had heard this unsubstantiated rumor before and it makes me mad. Not because I care if someone is gay but because I do.

It drives me nuts when people discredit entire debates by drudging up some incriminating personal detail about their opponent. “Oh he’s just mad because he got kicked out of Metallica” shouldn’t matter. Is what he’s saying true or false? In my guest’s case, what he was saying was most likely false but if it was true, I couldn’t help but think it affected what Parker says. And I hate that I couldn’t help that.

After the drinking buddy went home, I was left wondering if Trey Parker being gay would affect the way I saw his comedy. I interviewed Bob Mould after he came out of the closet and when I asked him about it things got weird. I asked why and he said that if his recent announcement changed the way I saw his music, the interview was off. The interview was off. Sorry but after hearing the news, I couldn’t help but wonder if the song “Diane” was about a dude. Can you? I’m not saying it ruined Hüsker Dü for me but it did change things. How could it not?

A week ago, I was lucky enough to get to see The Book of Mormon and I laughed my fucking ass off. I now had to involuntarily put the whole experience through the retroactive gay filter. I did think it was unusual how perfectly these straight guys mimicked the musical. The play seemed to be about the hypocrisy of religion and how naïve believers are. One of the highlights is a song called “Turn it Off” where Parker (and the audience) laugh in the face of closeted gays who think they can hide their gayness. It reminded me of “Trapped in the Closet,” the banned South Park episode featured on tonight’s 60 Minutes that ridicules Tom Cruise for not being open about his homosexuality. Then I stopped myself. It may be counterintuitive but why can’t people in glass houses throw stones when the target is accurate?

It’s certainly nobody’s business if a chocolatier in Needham, Massachusetts likes to make sweet love to a man after a hard day of packing fudge. That’s a no-brainer but what if this closeted fag’s entire career was built on mocking closeted fags? Oprah became the richest woman in America by teaching people to be proud of who they are however, if the rumors of her lesbianity are true, she certainly doesn’t practice what she preaches. Does she have the right to tell black lesbians how important it is to be yourself? Ellen certainly does. Isn’t Oprah doing black dykes a disservice by not telling the world she’s one of them? I don’t know the answer to that. I’m just asking.

When senator Larry Craig hit on a man in an airport bathroom, Anne Ann Coulter said the whole thing was needlessly intrusive. She pointed out that Craig was against gay marriage not gay sex and what he does on his own time is his own affair. I was inclined to agree. If John Wayne Gacy says murder is wrong, it’s still wrong. However, Craig was against more than just gay marriage. In 1996, he voted No on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation. He also voted No on including sexual orientation in hate crimes back in 2000 and again in 2002. After seeing this entire context, I can’t help but think Craig is driven by his own frustrations, not what’s best for the rest of us.

When Rush Limbaugh pushed for tougher sentences on drug violations, he had a pretty solid argument based on facts. I didn’t agree with it but it was impersonal and clear-headed. However, he was also illegally buying prescription drugs. Democrats had a field day with Rush’s addiction but it didn’t quite end his career. The same can’t be said for GOP Rep Chris Lee who was forced to step down after sending out a picture of his nude torso. Of course, when the tables are turned and we go from flexed torsos to turgid erections, Democrats claim the perpetrator should become mayor of New York. Spitzer deserved to be called out for fucking prostitutes because he was using our money but should anybody care that Italy’s Prime Minister had orgies? Shit, I didn’t even care when the president put his cigar in a chick’s vagina. All I care about when it comes to politicians is how little of my money they spend and how much they tell me what to do.

If we were all obliged to be 100% honest 100% of the time, you could fault those who hid the truth but we aren’t so we don’t. I’m sure I’ve said things far worse than John Galliano when I was drunk. We all have.

We live in a world based on illusions. When Seth MacFarlane roasted Charlie Sheen last week we assumed he wrote his own jokes but we don’t get into it because we want to enjoy the show. When the other roasters came on and mocked Seth for being in the closet, assumptions became part of the entertainment. The same goes for professional sports. We root for our local teams but the big leagues are made up of transient millionaires who care more about the highest bidder than the city they live in. So, we pretend.

I want to enjoy The Book of Mormon for what it is and ignore my loudmouth pal’s petty gossip. I didn’t want to wonder what Parker’s motive was but that shit just creeps in, you know? Was he really out to sabotage Christianity because it made him feel bad about being born that way? Was his whole career fueled by closeted spite? On the Larry Sanders Show, Artie said, “Jews don’t run Hollywood. Gay Jews run Hollywood.” This jibes with Steve Sailer’s belief that there is a glass ceiling for non-gay friendly entertainers. Could this be the Da Vinci Code behind Trey Parker’s success?

South Park blew up back in 1992 when they made an animated short called Jesus vs. Frosty. The gory short features what are now known as the South Park kids getting Jesus to kill a monster snowman. That’s it. When openly gay FOX executive Brian Graden saw it, he went bananas and had them do another, which they called The Spirit of Christmas. This version has the kids calling each other “fat” and “Jew” and then realizing these names hurt. Jesus tries to kill Santa until a very effeminate figure skater shows up and tells everyone to be friends. Graden loved it and made sure Parker and Stone rose with him as he became one of the most powerful people in television.

Graden had graduated from Oral Roberts University, and if there is a class of homosexual who has a bone to pick with religion, it’s someone who had to sit in a chair for four years and pay money to be told how awful they are. In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I don’t like Graden and believe most of his decisions have been made with some kind of gay agenda in mind.

Matt Stone is so straight he only fucks black chicks. Parker was married to a diminutive Asian woman but that didn’t work out and now he lives with a single mom. See? This is the stupid rut you get into when you let someone’s personal life into the mix. In that sense this is all an argument FOR staying in the closet. It muddles the joke and makes people think about agendas. On a personal level however, people who are ashamed of themselves annoy me. Especially when they make fun of other people for doing the same. Oh, what the fuck am I talking about? If you want to talk about personal motives here the impetus for this whole investigation is my own jealousy of Matt and Trey’s success.

I know it’s confusing and I don’t really have it figured out myself but if the question is, “Can you make fun of hypocrites while being one yourself?” the answer is, “Yes, but you better be really fucking funny about it.”


  1. DingBat says:

    Dude, what is your beef with fat people? BTW, ‘Ann’ Coulter, not ‘Anne’ Coulter. Great mustache.

  2. Anonymous says:

    “Parker was married to a diminutive Asian woman” Aren’t they all? Great article.

  3. Vulvæ says:

    WORD. We’re all hypocrites and thieves, Janus-faced illusionists talking out of both sides of our mouths, and generally blaggardly in all way shape and form. But fuck it, who cares, we all have agendas and biases, let’s just drink and fuck and try not to blow each others heads off. Sorry to sound like a college research paper I am just really high

  4. :) says:

    Ayn Rand would be proud.

  5. nrrrd says:

    *forgot yer meds again, mate.

  6. Gavin, I’m pitching a series for HBO about Roman Catholic monks who save the world by joining the NSDAP in 1933. It’s tentatively titled “The Good Guys”.

    You in?

  7. peter glackin says:

    @Vulvae haha, “Janus-faced.” If you were concentrating more on drinking/fucking, you would have just written “two-faced.”

  8. cook says:

    i sound gay for saying this but i didnt like the tone of this article. it felt petty. maybe if your thoughts were a little better expressed it would have gone over better, but it seemed too much like bickering rather than honesty . thank you

  9. (not published or required) says:

    i think someone should do a joke where they make a thing about how the chinese are a lot taller now than they used to be from improved diet and how their global power is spreading and you could use that song “the nips are getting bigger”
    just putting it out there

  10. peter glackin says:

    One thing: Whether gay or not, Trey Parker is not a hypocrite.

    At the heart of all of his comedy, and at the core of all of his writing, is the belief that (even though absurd and militantly unscientific) religion can be character- and community-building. This is his view on Mormonism (watch the last minute of “All About Mormons?”), and other Judaic religions.

    His “attack” (it’s not an attack) on religion is a comedic take on the weird nature of religion, but the reason you don’t see a backlash against “The Book of Mormon” the same way we saw one against Krakauer’s “Under the Banner of Heaven” is because Parker looks at Mormons with a reasoned yet sympathetic and understanding position.

    Parker is professedly agnostic, and his antagonisms of religion are not to be confused with the likes of that preening faggot Bill Maher, so don’t call them bitter. They are hilarious, bizarre, truthful, but most importantly, heartfelt.

    He is not the bitter misfit who masturbates to the idea of tearing down the institution which tormented him as a child (that would be Stone… watch his part in “Bowling for Columbine”), but the astute writer who walks the impossible line between making fun of, while making a case for, religion.

  11. Don't Quit Your Day Job says:

    I didn’t know anyone under 50 used the term “gay agenda”.

  12. Joe says:

    Gavin and Malcom Gladwell should be best friends. They are both masters of post hoc ergo propter hoc.

  13. doye says:

    Yeah what’s the “gay agenda” anyway? Equality?

    And regarding the courage to speak freely about oneself and others, a lot has been written. For example:

  14. nrrrd says:

    A gay agenda would be an assault on heteronormativity. It’s a bit like when jews try to shorten the christmas song list, change the name of the holiday, etc.

  15. Shug says:

    A Gay Agenda would be constantly crapping on Christians for not accepting homosexuality even though they worship a 3,000 year old book that tells them not to. It’s none of their business if a group wants to exclude members. You can’t tell the organizers of the Irish Parade that they have to wave an English flag.

  16. sad face says:

    so trey’s gay bc he likes musicals and married an asian (model) whoaaaaa what?

    and if he is gay (and not based on those reasons) the religious parodies trace back to matt and trey’s time at boulder–there was a big mormon population around those parts, they thought it was weird

    *mormons are the only ones who go to heaven in south park*

  17. popfop says:

    The Gay Agenda used to be called the Homintern (homo + Comintern) or the Velvet Mafia. Kenneth Tynan, a heterosexual English theatre critic who was also a socialist and into spanking, was probably the first person to talk about it. I think it all goes back to the ancient pagan European Männerbund, an elite group of ‘culture creators.’ Hetero copulation served a utilitarian purpose to the village/clan/whathaveyou by ensuring a large population but those who determined a culture’s values could partake in sex for pleasure (with other men) because they were of a higher order.

    If that example is too archaic, consider the most effective Cold Warriors like J. Edgar Hoover, Roy Cohn or Whittaker Chambers. They would’ve vomited on their shoes at the idea of gay marriage but they were all pickle sniffers. Hypocritical? Sure, but the way they saw it they were an elite protecting America from Communism and what they got up to in the bedroom or back rooms of Mafia owned bars was their business and not to be known by the average, Church going American.

  18. know-it-all says:

    Is it me or have most of y’all missed the point? It don’t matter if Trey’s gay. What we have here’s an interesting question on the validity of accusation based on who’s leveling it. Kinda calls into question the whole Mary Magdalene scene in that one movie. It’s related to the question, Can you separate the art from the artist? Can we separate the judgement from the judge, and should we?

  19. ??? says:

    I stumbled across this 60 minutes last night. These guys are admirable. I fucking love the Team America movie. I think i’m going to watch it now actually…as far as the gay debate, I could honestly care less.

  20. jissom jigaboo says:

    I dont care about homosexuals but wanted to type this: Rip Torn’s Artie in the Larry Sanders Show was hilarious

  21. guide to life says:


    i never gave a fuck about south park – the shitty animation and annoying voices always distracted me. i am a simpsons loyalist and you are the real bart simpson.

  22. Chris says:

    Diane was written by Grant Hart, not Mould. Travesty!

    Funny that he freaked out about that. Who you fuck is such a huge part of who you are, of course people are going to start looking at everything he does through that lens.

  23. no says:

    A good joke is a good joke. It doesnt become anything else because the writer might be a homosexual.
    I love Matt and Trey and I wanna gay / mormon marry their faces off.

  24. andrew says:


  25. man says:

    I feel better having a drunk say rumors about me than him knowing the truth. A bunch of bitter old drunks worrying about it while I devote time money and energy to my own pleasure is one way to define winning.

  26. Fancypants says:

    “Diane” is about a murdered girl, so, yeah, it’s not really a love song or anything.

  27. Uhm says:

    I… I…
    I think that this has been really hyperanalyzed. Even if Parker was gay, that doesn’t change his humor at all. “BUT HE JOKES ABOUT GAY PEOPLE!” Right. But Parker and Stone joke about EVERYTHING. It’s not like Parker is hiding behind his goddamned buttchin, because he and Matt have made it abundantly clear through four misproportionate ten year olds that it’s okay to be gay. And doesn’t it seem like Trey, someone who seems to pride himself on being big and loud and honest about himself and the world, would find it somewhat easy to come out?
    Now, I’m not dismissing the idea that he and Matt and fucking (uhm) life partners, but he’s a fortysomething, and I think that at this point, if he was gay, he would dropped more direct hints, like, “Oh, yeah, Rolling Stone interviewer, I’m A bleedin’ buttpirate.”
    ALSO. Matt and Trey.
    MATT and Trey. Don’t discredit the former just because Trey is more prone to be seen and heard. Matt himself focuses everything around Trey, even if Trey isn’t even involved at all in what he’s talking about. He’s notorious in the fan(girl)base for that. I think that people forget about Matt, because, essentially, he’s Elphaba, and Trey is Glinda, and Mattphaba is content to let Treyinda soak up the glory and be the “Big Dreamer”. That’s right- Broadway, bitches. Because nothing is gayer than Wicked.

  28. steve says:

    This article is poorly written. Gather your thought and decide your opinions before you start writing next time. This entire article seems like too much of an internal struggle.

  29. J. Husen says:

    I’m not going to delve into all of this, I just have one point to make. I think the author and several of the guys who posted responses are the gay ones. Talk about belaboring something that most people could care less about. Just go hook up with a dude already and get it over with!

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