Dark comedy about a guy who might be dying.

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A bunch of funny stories about being a teenager.

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With actors and music and I cried during the 9-11 chapter.

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The hardcover version of The Death of Cool.

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I tried out stand-up comedy and went on tour and brought along my best bud and shit got seriously cray cray.

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We staid up for five days filming the Movie Watching World Championships and I totally lost my mind.

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My street fashion column that was so funny, it created hipsters.

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More DOs & DON’Ts

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Posted by
• 03.19.12 11:45 am

A few nights ago, I did stand-up at UCB to promote my book. It was a sold out show and involved several tons of laughter. Afterwards we had a fancy pants after party at Soho House that nobody came to.

The Soho House was a huge gamble because they insist on a $3,900 deposit that they don’t give back if the bar doesn’t sell enough drinks. The prices there are fucking insane ($17 for a Maker’s Mark) so the few who did show up got turned off fast. So, after selling $1,300 at the bar, I got stuck with the remaining $2,600. To a Scotsman, this is like having your penis removed. FUCK!

The UCB show was great but they don’t pay so despite bringing in about 150 people at $10 a pop, I was left with farts. This is all my fault of course as I knew what I was signing up for in both cases but there’s a moral here. It’s easy to make money in NY and get stuff for cheap but you have to pay attention. You can get a slice of pizza for $1 on every corner but if you’d like to blow $100 on some pie, the city will happily oblige.

Like Matt Sweeney said to a reporter after we pranked the living shit out of him, “It’s New York CIty buddy, you got hustled.”


I’m going to keep a tally of everything we spend and everything we make on this tour. So far it goes like this…


Taxis $20

Booze $100

Deposit $2,600

TOUR TOTAL: -$2,720



  1. chester says:

    are you coming to los angeles? there’s a soho house here you can lose money at too.

  2. omg sooo randummm says:

    Vancouver. (yes its a bit outta the way and yes you probably have a zinger about the riots, but I think you’d get a good turnout..)

  3. raymes says:

    The answer is dive bars I guess. good luck bro!

  4. micah says:

    I’m surprised you didn’t try to drink the remaining $2600 since you were going to be spending it anyway. Rookie mistake.

  5. Boston Crab says:

    Bring that tour to the UK

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