Shut up. Whatever story you’re about to tell will not compare to the tales of Gavin McInnes. The “godfather of hipsterdom” has lived a life and isn’t afraid to piss people off by revealing all his dirty secrets and life lessons.
You know what’s worse?
He’s right… about everything. His new memoir, How to Piss in Public, is everything you want in an autobiography – except it’s true and funny. Everything is on-limits, from sex and drugs to the creation of Vice Magazine. It’s all here.
Below are the greatest lessons he has to share loosely transcribed from an interview.
1- Help Those In Need
When asked where the strangest place his hand has been.
McINNES: Good question. I was hanging out with a friend who started saying, “Ugh. I don’t feel so good” so I fucking rammed my finger down his throat until he puked. I had to do it more than once. I did eventually get him to puke. Takes about five good, hard triggers.
But that wasn’t uncommon in the party days. You’d do a bump, a shot, and then you feel like you did too much. So you puke, and then you’re good and you can get back to work.
2- Give the People What They Want
When asked what his book tour will be like.
McINNES: The audience who come to the live comedy tour will get the greatest hits. Like the story about having a cocaine orgy in this hotel and the concierge finding out who I was and coming upstairs with more coke. And the stories about Joe Strummer and the time I got kicked out of Johnny Knoxville’s house.
3- Be Mr. Nice Guy
When asked to describe the nicest thing he’s ever done.
McINNES: I just sent a huge packet of DVDs to the troops in Afghanistan but I made sure that a reporter was there to watch me do it, and I made sure I was photographed doing it. I’m not sure if that counts as “nice.”
4- Change Your Shirt
When asked if having kids has changed his style.
McINNES: When you become a dad with two kids, you stop being a dick. I used to wear shirts that were purposely offensive but with kids, that’s hard. You always need someone’s help when you go the park for example. You can’t ask another parent to watch your kid for a minute when you’re wearing a shirt that says “Fuck You, Douche.” It’s like saying, “Help me with my kids, and go fuck yourself while you’re at it.”
5- You Are Your Own Best Medicine
When asked about his “Go for it” philosophy.
McINNES: When you get punched in the nose, it hurts but only for a little while. During a fist fight, your adrenaline is pounding and it takes the pain down. Sure your ribs hurt a few days later but it only hurts when you laugh.
6- Screw Fear
When asked if the book has a message.
McINNES: I hope when people read the book they’ll think, “Yeah! I should go out there and not worry about failing. I should fail. I should start a business that fails.” Start ten businesses that fail and maybe one will do well. Go write 100 TV pilots and maybe one of them will be good. Go and try to get laid. Yes, you will get rejected, but the only way you can get laid is if you keep trying.
Everyone’s been trained to be so scared of life. All the kids need helmets. And you can’t have gluten…whatever the hell that is. It’s not healthy. The list goes on. I’ll tell you what’s healthy. It’s healthy for kids to have skinned knees, and it’s good for business to have people taking risks. When you live in a culture where people are too scared to go out there and get laid, that culture isn’t going to last very long.
I was scared but I jumped in with both feet. I got fucked up, and beat up… and it was awesome.
7- Tell a Good Story
When asked what his favorite story in the book is.
It changes but right now my favorite story from the book is “Circles or Strokes.” It’s about the time I finally got the chick that I wanted to fuck all through high school. Her currency went down over the years and mine went up so by the time she was thirty, she was in my league. I tracked her down and she was down but it sucked shit. She was really lame and uptight. It was the worst sexual experience of my life.
She had decided in advance there’d be no fucking or oral sex but hand jobs were okay. She got all set up next to my dick and said, “All right, let’s get started. First, do you prefer circles or strokes?” What the fuck are circles? I had no idea what she was talking about and said, “Forget it” before going to sleep in a rage.
The moral of that story is: don’t pine for that chick in high school. She sucks.
READ THE ORIGINAL UNALTERED PIECE HERE.