Posted by
Gavin
• 03.31.14 12:13 pm

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I dated a chick in college and she would have wild orgasms just from sitting on my knob. Naturally, when she was visiting New York many years ago, we arranged to meet for drinks (fuck). 

She had a big, full, head of black hair but when I met her again, she had cut it off into a bummer of a nest that made her look like a Cabbage Patch Kid. She was still pretty and I could remember how awesome the sex was so after a couple swigs we were back at my place humping like no time had passed. Everything was fine until I turned her over. As I fucked her from behind, I looked down and saw my date had changed into a young lad. I had to remind myself this was a chick because for all intents and purposes, girls with short hair look like frail dudes from behind. After a few pumps of this bullshit my whole body replaced the endorphins with pure rage. How dare she make me fuck a dude. Isn’t that rape? The definition has become so diluted, it’s come to mean basically anything you don’t enjoy. Models who voluntarily fucked Terry Richardson are now saying they were molested in retrospect. The stats on college rape is up to 1 in 2 which means they must have to include virtually any lay that isn’t tantric yoga sex with Sting. How is a chick turning into a dude not just as bad?

Ladies, if you are not interested in being courted, by all means, cut your hair. If not, please stop not having long hair.

Anways, THIS.

PS: The comments are awesome.

 

 

-GAVIN McINNES


Comments
  1. raymi says:

    The mermaid hair girl is always the prettiest in the room.

  2. Calvin Candie says:

    When I see short hair on women I think power trips, mudsharks and roller derby.

  3. Sean says:

    That lesbian haircut that middle-aged women get is the sole reason I won’t get married. If my wife cut her hair like that, I’d end up in prison. Not gonna toss those dice.

  4. blackmamba says:

    You appear to have emotionally destroyed hundreds of people with that article.

  5. Ben says:

    I’ve rarely seen a good, short hairdo on a woman and by rarely I mean once. Stop that shit, girls. Do it appropriately when you’re old, fat, unfuckable and you had kids. Or if you’re gay I guess. It’s not fucking cute, it doesn’t give you more spunk AND NO MAN LIKES IT (except latent gay dudes).

    I blame female celebrities for that fucking nonsense. The Rihannas and Halle Berries can pull that shit off because they have superhuman beauty genes. Most of you don’t have those.

  6. Hunter says:

    Gavin, what’s the shortest a gal should go? Shoulder-length?

  7. jim says:

    The short buzz cut women get when they want to surrender to life. Short hair is cool as long as it’s feminine. Angular cuts are just the current generations’ old lady hair shellac. They get these when they give up. If you aren’t there yet, then stay away.

  8. yabyabyab says:

    You make your satirical point (some people are trying to stretch the definition of rape waaaay too wide) a lot better in this article than in the one you link. So I don’t blame the majority of commenters there for it going over their heads.

  9. Jaz says:

    It seems that in the past two years you cannot go 48hrs without hearing the term “transphobic”. I don’t think I am eloquent enough with my language to describe how much this angers me, nor do I know why? It just does, deep down in the pit of my stomach. Scratching away like a live tarantula that’s been placed within me under general anaesthetic. It’s this seething rage that I know shouldn’t be there, but a soon as I see or hear one of these smug irritating cunts mention the term. I just want to put a bloody bullet in my head and end it all.

    Also, on my ‘fuck list’ (I have a list of all the girls I can remember fucking as it fills my god hole). There is one name which simply says “boy headed pixie” – she was a cute short haired girl who had a yeasty vagina. I remember banging her then the next day wanking off to she male porn for the first time, so in a sense it made me a little bit gay.

  10. ??? says:

    I just cut all my hair off. It’s a bob. Not a Halle. It’s my mommy hair but nothing a little red lipstick can’t handle, I’m growing it back, but I’m currently in newborn and toddler survival mode. Whatever makes life easier because right now, it’s fucking chaos!

  11. Anonymous says:

    this makes me think of how the only time i’ve ever thought Lori Petty was even kinda hot was in the movie tank girl. but even then…

  12. George Eliot says:

    “Cis scum!!!!!” Ouch, that’s gotta hurt.

  13. Dr. Scientist says:

    “Cis scum” is the best insult because it assumes that there’s something wrong with belonging to a group that comprises 99.5% of people. It’s like insulting someone for having 10 toes or not being a midget.

  14. Atlas Puked says:

    As much as I like your thinking and writing, I must disagree on this. I have always thought there was something about girls w short hair, so long as it’s done right. I always thought Dolores O’Riordan from the cranberries was smokin’ hot, even though she looks like a little boy. I like girls ‘n all, but there is something about women w short hair that is kinda sexy. Your line of thinking surprises me, being an ex-punk & all.

  15. Wi// says:

    Should have grabbed her boobs while you were doing her from behind might have stopped you from focusing on the hair so much.

  16. […] McInnes started his own site, Street Carnage, to continue his brand of writing with pieces like “Short Hair is Rape” about how women shouldn’t have short hair because it make them look like “frail dudes from […]


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