Posted by
Jim Goad
• 04.12.10 11:46 pm


The popping sound you hear is the Catholic Church imploding after pulling its dick from millions of boy-asses over the past two millennia.

The popping sound you hear is the Catholic Church imploding after pulling its dick from millions of boy-asses over the past two millennia.

I shed no tears. I’m glad the chicken-hawks have home to roost. I was raised Catholic in the Philly ’burbs. I endured twelve years of Catholic schooling, the merciless Sisters of Mercy slapping the shit out of my young pink face just as they’d torn the Brylcreemed hair out of my older brother’s skull years earlier, their grey old pruny clit-mouths screaming that Jesus would rain eternal hellfire down on me for daring to ever question their authority. From my experience, the nuns were far crueler than the priests. I never heard any whispers of nuns or priests in my grade school diddling any of the kids, but it was only the nuns who were verbally vicious and physically violent. And although sexual abuse by priests has been making headlines for more than a decade, you never hear about sexual abuse by nuns unless someone such as me writes about it.

It wasn’t until high school that I encountered a priest who gave the nuns a run for their money in terms of jaw-dropping arrogance and cruelty.

When colon cancer picked my father’s bones clean in the New Wave summer of ’80, me and the surviving Goads sat in the front pew at Holy Cross Church in Springfield, PA, for his funeral mass.

The parish chose Father Richard Jones to recite the mass. Father Jones taught at my high school and was always hugging you and mussing your hair every chance he got. He had a Barbasol smell to him that could have been alcohol vapors. He ran the local Catholic Charismatic Renewal meetings, an odd movement where ex-hippies, drifters, and even normal fat church people would play folk guitars and speak in tongues and fall to the ground under the bitchin’ force of the Holy Spirit. They used to hold their psycho glossolalia-fests in an old building on the cemetery grounds where my father was about to be buried.

But this was a standard funeral mass, and the time came for Father Jones to deliver his eulogy. I don’t remember specifics, but the essence of his sermon was that my father, Al Goad, was not a good man. For what seemed like ten minutes, Father Jones hammered on the idea that my father was a despicable weasel.

We Goads sat in our front-row pew, incredulous. This was possibly the rudest thing I’ve ever witnessed. If you didn’t think he was a good man, let your stupid God decide. This dumb fucking ritual is for the family’s benefit, not yours. As we rode to the cemetery in our rented limo, my sister Chris was crying and cursing Father Jones, while my brother John stared stonily ahead without saying a word.

In 2006, I received an email from a guy who grew up on the same block as me. He said Father Jones and a slew of other local pastoral celebs had have been getting popped for sex crimes. Here’s the poop on Father Jones, straight from the inestimable Delaware County [PA] Times:

One [plaintiff] alleges he was abused by the Rev. Richard G. Jones, a former religion teacher at Cardinal O’Hara High School….
In his lawsuit, Christopher charges that when he first reported the alleged sexual abuse to archdiocesan officials around 1988, he was told by them that reporting the abuse to criminal authorities “would not be the Christian thing to do.”
In the lawsuit Christopher also alleges he was told by archdiocesan officials that they were not responsible for the conduct of a priest in the archdiocese because he is “an independent contractor.”
The lawsuit charges that Jones “coerced” Christopher to live with him. He said fondling also occurred in a confessional at Cardinal O’Hara High School.
The lawsuit also states that Jones told fellow priests and other people that Christopher was his “adopted son” and that he convinced Christopher fondling one another was a sign of trust. The lawsuit alleges that Jones then proceeded to rape and sodomize Christopher over three years. Jones allegedly took Christopher on vacations and retreats to Maryland, New Jersey and Massachusetts and later, around age 18, inducted the plaintiff into a “charismatic community” of priests and laypersons that promoted homosexual and pedophilic behavior.

I don’t know what became of the lawsuit, only that Father Jones is now “laicized,” defrocked, and probably never spent a day in jail nor a penny of his own money to compensate his accuser. Another friend from the old church recently contacted me to say that multiple other males eventually stepped forward accusing Father Jones of sexual improprieties.

So I’m glad what’s happening to the Catholic Church. Even though I was never deemed cute enough to molest, they fucked with my head to the point where I enjoy gloating about their demise.

Now if we could only spread the blame around and acknowledge that whenever someone in authority claims that God is on their side, they’ll likely use that as an excuse to fuck you literally and figuratively.

This also applies to rabbis, but you don’t hear so much about that because of, ahem, the media.

And Muslims—well, they’ve been boy-fuckers from the get-go.

SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON JIMGOAD.NET

-JIM GOAD


Comments
  1. Ah so says:

    Buddhists have always had their shit together.

  2. jj says:

    jersey shore blowjobs and thats the thanks he gets?

  3. Taeil says:

    Well that’s because Buddhists are down for the caste system.

  4. Jetpack says:

    Ooh, this is edgy. Goad’s the only guy with the stones to really STICK IT TO THE CATHOLICS. It is awesome to be forever fifteen.

  5. Zippy says:

    Millions of boy-asses…pruny clit-mouths…young pink faces…Barbasol smell…psycho glossolalia-fests…poop on Father Jones…

    I feel that this come straight out of Revelations. We have reached the Omega.

  6. moufbreatha says:

    Springfield: My first home after moving to the US as a child. I went to Erdenheim Elementary for 2 years. Whatever, your 12 years of nun torture could have easily been easily avoided, had you taken yo’ ass to public school just like the rest of us regla folk, you elitist sonofabitch!

  7. the realist says:

    my dad went to a catholic school and when you had to get lashes the nuns expected you to just hold your bare arms out of your own free will, and if you flinched they’d give you more. the really bad kids ie. my dad would straight up pull their arms away causing the lash to go down and whip the nuns outfit which pissed them off more.

  8. stoops says:

    and yet, and yet–millions round the globe still bow and scrape. ugh.
    the doors of the vatican need to be stormed. one of their defences is to claim that the incident rate of peadophilia is no greater inside the church than out. i’ve got no statistics, but i’m finding that hard to believe at the moment. i got into an argument once with someone over this–my belief is that opening up the doors to married priests, whether gay or straight, would do something to alleviate this disaster…the person disagreeing with me (a practicing r.c.) felt that it wouldn’t. it was important to this person that priests be celibate–it was a sign that they existed on a different plane than the rest of humanity, that they had sacrificed something important to be in the position they were in. i’m no theological expert, but my argument is that that state of celibacy is extremely difficult to attain…i can understand going through periods of celibacy in order to reach certain spiritual states, but jesus christ, attempting to be a eunuch without actually cutting off one’s balls is–well, i’d say it’s only for the very few. as it is, it seems the church has become a refuge for a perverse sexuality practiced by psychologically fucked-up nutballs who’ve obviously no problem defiling the so-called house of god. Ugh, i say, ugh. I can’t even imagine what sort of pscyho-spiritual gymnastics these people use to justify their behaviour. where’s the fucking law when you need it?

  9. heroin chic says:

    Every place where adults have authority over children turns into a rape pit. That’s just how it works. Youth sports, public schools, you name it. It’s just a little bit more fashionable to give the Catholics shit.

  10. stoops says:

    !RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

  11. blobbing says:

    Awesome Goad article.

  12. Dragler says:

    catholics libertarians have a thing against public schools, as they should I suppose they are pretty horrible by and large. I don’t know that the catholic schools are the alternative they make them out to be though. With religion you have different but similar kinds of corruption as the government. master of the obvious here!

  13. vince says:

    thank god for goad!

  14. fredMS says:

    i don’t debate that pedophilia occurs throughout the world, and specifically in islamic countries, but the mission statement of metapedia reads —

    “… Metapedia gives us the opportunity to present a more balanced and fair image of the pro-European struggle for the general public as well as for academics, who until now have been dependent on strongly biased and hostile “researchers” like Searchlight, Anti-Defamation League, Southern Poverty Law Center, Simon Wiesenthal Centre, and such.”

    – which makes me question any merit it has.

  15. Anonymous says:

    …right, because organizations funded and populated by Jews are entirely objective and can’t possibly be promoting an ethnic agenda, while those run by whites are immediately suspect.

  16. dry rub says:

    Same thing happened in my childhood Catholic parish, but in a slightly more dramatic fashion. One of our priests got very suddenly and unexpectedly transfered to some diocese in the Philippines. He was murdered by one of his own parishioners about two years later. It doesn’t take too much imagination to connect the dots on that one. That stated I am still a devout supporter of the Catholic church because for some reason girls believe you when you tell them you can’t use a condom because you’re Catholic. Heyo

  17. Al Anon` says:

    Dry Rub must give off that ‘AIDS’ vibe…

  18. fredMS says:

    @ anon, first off, jews and whites aren’t two different things. 2nd, my point isn’t that all other sources are more objective, just that this one isn’t.

  19. Jimmy Fucking Carter says:

    The catholic church is simply rooting out its true believers. Nothing screams faith like a dick in the ass. “God works in mysterious ways.” Said a drooling Father.

  20. Anonymous says:

    …which is why Jews and Gentiles are equally likely to suffer from Tay-Sachs Disease and why the idea that Jews average a standard percentile above the “Gents” on intelligence tests is just a myth created by…Gentiles, I guess.

    And there’s no such thing as an Ashkenazic haplogroup, either.

    If you asked most Jews whether they’re the same as Gentiles, genetically or otherwise, they’d probably look at you like you were meshuggah. Gentiles, I don’t think they’d be so touchy. Jews tend to keep it “in the tribe” up to the point where it starts to get obvious and they get singled out.

    Bottom line: Muslims are the biggest boy-fuckers of the bunch.

  21. Anonymous says:

    All I’m sayin’ is that whites ain’t Semites. Ask any Jew.

  22. fag hag says:

    Isn’t Catholicism just a front for a old pervs to get closer to young boys. I mean what better way to convince someone than to say god told you it was cool.

  23. VatoFromSanAnto says:

    Maybe your dad was an asshole. You know what they say about the sins of fathers.

  24. Anonymous says:

    I’m a practicing Catholic, and shit is getting kind of embarassing. They should definitely let priests get married. Let women in too. I would consider becoming a priest if you could get married, but otherwise? Hells no. Too lonely and weird – plus everyone holds you up to some impossible standard of behaviour while they have a ruddy bloody good time themselves.

  25. Crowbar says:

    Im on a job in springfield right now.

  26. Dragler says:

    not all jews are semites. the russians converted around the time of charlamagne. I live near brookline mass and the differences between the russians jews and the semites is plain. Ethiopians jews aren’t either!

  27. Mike Eide says:

    When I cleaned pools, we used to maintain this big old one at the American Boys Choir campus, whose history is laden with pedophilic scandal. We referred to it as “the American Boys Queery”.

  28. sarah says:

    This is funny. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what you said- I think maybe you’re right. Well, it seems like these personality disorders are too all-encompassing and don’t leave any room for individuality. i read your interview and now I regret saying to you that you shouldn’t have custody of your son. I actually did say “i hope this isn’t true”. Believe it or not, I really do worry about children. I guess someone like you can have a diagnosis of NPD and still be a great father. Actually, I think the fact that you had shitty parents will make you an even better father. I had fucked up parents too, not like yours, but fucked up in different ways. But when I see my five year old cousin my heart melts and I just want to give him the childhood I never had. I post so many pictures of him, everyone thinks he’s my son. He even tells people i’m his girlfriend but of course he’s going to marry his mom ;) Anyway, I actually told some people on the NPD group I go to that just because they have NPD doesn’t mean they can’t be parents and I used you as an example. I now believe that everyone has the capacity to change. The hitting women bothered me, but that’s ’cause my father gave my mother a few black eyes and wasn’t exactly the greatest husband around. However, instead of simple-mindedly assuming he was mr. evil incarnate that I should stay away from, I delved deeper into his past and realized his fucked up childhood (he was beaten with baseball bats, tied to the back of cars and burned with cigarette butts) really shaped him into a fighter. Like you, he has a high IQ. at the mental hospital he went to, at age 12, his IQ was 160. My and my mom don’t view him as some evil monster and my mom kept him from going to prison several times because she loved him. And believe it or not, he’s my hero. He would die for me at any time and when I was born his face lit up and he was the happiest he ever was in his life. This so-called evil monster turned into a sympathetic daddy who stood up for me several times, including beating the shit out of everyone that ever attempted to slightly hurt me. And he is my hero. One day, your son will probably feel the same way about you. I have really been thinking about it a lot, and I admit I might have been too quick to judge and that psychology is too much black-and-white thinking. I took a personality disorder test and i ended up scoring high on narcissism, antisocial, paranoia, etc. and yet i’m the nicest person you will ever meet when it comes to kids and I hate child abuse so much that i’d literally kill myself before i ever hurt a child. Nobody is completely evil. it exists within all of us, like Carl Jung says.


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